I am checking in.

There is PEACE stirring in my soul, a joy and I love how it feels, I have been gone for a little while but I promise all has been amazing and I needed to savor the moment and build memories so I may come back and pour out positivity as much as possible.

I am now a Masters student, A started a new position and I am experiencing healing. last week a person who was supposed to be special to me disclosed information about myself that he heard from someone else, this information was one sided, it was incomplete, it painted a picture about me (a negative one) it was half the truth, now I am not one who lets such things slip, a part of me wanted to play dirty too, spit some bullets too, reveal the other side of the story too and the revelation thereafter but I didn’t, I spoke to a few people of my own and they advised that I keep my peace, instead of proving my point, I let go of this person I thought was “special” because if He wanted the truth, he could have asked me like mature people but he chose a side and I am done being on defend mode, so I let him live with the understanding he has of me, he chose it and it made sense to him, I cut him off and no, he is not my boyfriend, just someone I clicked with and I loved how they thought and their personality but maybe I thought highly of them that they would be able to filter the truth from lies and if their reaction is based on what people say then they should never be in my life, that’s how unbothered I have become.

Stand for the things you fought hard for, even if you lose people, it means they were not supposed to be there to start with, stand for the progress you have made in becoming better, don’t let anyone make you relapse no matter the position they hold in your life, don’t let anyone come from whatever pit of hell to drag you back to your demons. I am a fighter, A dirty fighter to be clear, I don’t fight fair, I don’t follow rules, I don’t hear anything but my own heart chanting for victory, I don’t take breaks, I go for the win at all cost, I break the norm, I become evil, I unleash the monster and I don’t care and every inch of me wanted to unleash hell, then I realised that its not worthy, they are not deserving of that side of me, it will make matters worse, I am better than that now and that side of me only comes out to play when necessary, a side of me I am destroying

The purpose of this blog is to be real, to be direct, I am allowing you in to my life which is scary as you are about to know me and I am not used to that.

last night I fell asleep next to my content self, for the first time I didnt have to be someone else or be reminded of the things I should be, or the things I am that needed to be changed, I fell asleep next to the love of God, the kind that loved me with my flaws and weaknesses, that worked gently with me to fix them, YES, I am dramatic, YES, I am loud, YES, I have a resting bitch face (Sorry for the word) YES, I worry a lot especially about the things I cant change and it drives me crazy, YES, All the women in me are crazy, smart, loving, kind but guess what, all these things make this beautiful being that is ME and God doesn’t remind me all the time of how flawed I am, He works with me so gently, so kind to make me better. If you constantly remind me of how unhinged I am, I guess its too much for you, YOU HAVE TO GO and honestly, I will open the door for you as I am a work in progress, NOT ANYONES WORK IN PROGRESS and if someone steps in and tries to FIX ME, we will have a problem, I dont need saving, no heroes allowed, I am not Gotham city. The past few days I have been letting go of the perfect ones, I am not feeling quilt or remorse, I cant have such energies around when I am working on the best version of me, the right ones will fit in perfectly to the puzzle, I wont have to be careful when I am around them, I have been too careful way too long, I have been adapting to what people think or want way too long, I am not about to suffocate once more, falling too far from myself trying to fit a perfect picture, THATS THE ME I WAS AND I HAVE LAID HER TO REST, MY CONDOLENCES.

Currently I am at a very good space spiritually, emotionally and mentally, I am balancing my work and my studies, other departments in my life are working together and I love the unity, there is no war in my mind, it feels amazing, YES. Love has been winning, it has been choosing me like I have been choosing it and I am using my voice, even when I tremble with fear, I have been standing up for myself, I have been letting go of the past, I have forgiven myself and everyone, I have been letting go of dirt, detoxing, connecting to God (Me and Him are vibing ) just to put it out there, listen… NOTHING CAN COMPARE TO THE FEELING OF LOVE, money makes me happy, shoes make me happy, food makes me happy, BUT LOVE COMPLETES ME. I thank God that He restores.

6 months ago, if you would have told me that I will be here, I will be without fear, I will be seeing things the way I do, I probably would have laughed in disbelief, I would have called you a liar but love has a way of coming back, upgraded, better, gentle and kind when you start searching for it in your heart, when you start giving it a chance to evolve, when you know how to give it and how to receive it, no matter in what form it comes in, it is beautiful.

I want to challenge you, stop being scared of letting go, LET GO if it requires you to be someone else before you damage yourself and act crazy, let it go if it reminds you over and over again of your flaws, let it go if it feels like instead of helping you be better, it makes you feel worse, let it go. I DID, I STILL DO.

I wish you success in your goals, love, prosperity, protection. may you laugh, rejoice and celebrate, may you become one with God, the holy spirit and Christ who loved you enough to die for you, may you become more aware of your strength and worth, May everything that’s not meant to be in your life exit gracefully, may you fall in love with your scars (I cant believe I have learned to love my chest scar) may you be around people who don’t remind you of your failures and insecurities, may you see beauty in the fire and go through hell like you own the place. ..