This will probably be the most vulnerable I had to be, this is maybe the first time i explain my heart
I know, it has been a long time, but I am working on an idea that a friend of mine suggested to make my experience with yours a better one. Its too early to announce it but I am on the works to provide easy access and great quality for everyone, it might take a while but if you have been with me on this journey, you already know that I will get it done.
Back to the order of the day “HOW HARD I FALL”
On Father’s Day I didn’t deliver as much as I wanted, I have this great surprise for my Father but I couldn’t make it home, I managed however to order something online, I complemented it with a heartfelt message (also covered with the embarrassment of not delivering) and my Father, as Kind and gentle as he is, gave back the most beautiful reply, so beautiful that I cried. I have been dealing with many changes, I have been in brutal discomfort both emotionally, mentally and spiritually lately that I become so drawn into my own world and I have neglected the most important people in my life but oddly even with these changes, I am at a great place emotionally and mentally and my Father, My dad has played a great role in that. My Father understands how fragile I am, He also recognises how strong I am, when he approaches me, He does it with ease and yet firm and fierce that even in my crazy moments, when the psycho in me takes over, when I am the villain and I want to pass the blame because the truth is a bitter pill to sallow, I become difficult to deal with, my dad humbles me real quick, In silence, in grace, in love and as a friend, this gives me an opportunity to understand and believe that even in my worst, I am loved.
I am not perfect, I have never falsified being perfect and recently I just realised that I carry a serious-minded demeanour, that at first glance people think I don’t even laugh, or feel, or engage with others and I can come off strong and affirmative. Dice once told me that my Aura is too strong, Sbusiso supported his statement that the first time he met me, He was afraid to ask for water or directions to the bathroom, He also expressed his concern with this as he believes it might be a problem with my relationships, he believes that I will scare men away, honestly he made me chuckle because he later explained that once you get to know me, I am the most kind and gentle person ever. Of course I take these concerns into consideration but the highlight is “At first I look unapproachable but once you know me, I am the kindest person ever” ladies and gentlemen this is what we call “Defence mechanism” I AM NOT FOR EVERYONE and my father taught me that those who are not ready for me will find it hard to break the walls and the right ones will blend in easily, My Father taught me that its okay to stand out, the people who are scared of it will depart, people who feel uncomfortable with my boundaries and principles will walk out, the ones who stay will be the realest, it will be the ones who saw beneath the aura, and I promise you, the ones who stay and allow me to be me, I fall for them, I fall so in love with them in every shape or form, I will die everyday for them and rebuild myself in the morning just to die again and those who know, will attest that not everyday do I not fall hard for who I love, Only they can get me defeated, fall on my knees.
I fall hard and I have been fighting myself for how much I go all in, sometimes when you fall the way I do, you never expect anything in return, you settle for the bare minimum because you can simply fuel yourself up when the flames burn out but you keep falling, harder and deeper, I used to fight it but now I understand, I am one of the few rare ones left, flaws and all, I am a rare breed. People give and expect, I give and I don’t even know how to ask when I am need, I give and I don’t even know how to stop, I give and I drift so hard that I don’t know how to get back, be patient with me, when you see these walls I build, be patient with me, when I am trying to figure it out, I am not as hard as I look, because no one knows how hard I fell the last time I did, how many broken pieces were there, how they cut through me trying to put myself into pieces but even so, I keep falling for those who stay and maybe thats an error, maybe thats a fault but I love, I laugh, I cry, I celebrate, I try to express myse am just not for everybody and I am okay with that.
May all the Fathers feel appreciated and be treated like kings this month, May all the Fathers fighting to be present in their children’s live have access to them. i love yal
Lerato Nondeyi 