Dear God

It took me so long to be here, in a place where you are, and we stare into each other’s eyes without having to feel shame when you look beneath my mask. It took violence, it took breaking control, it took forgiving myself, it took total surrender that I may stand in a place where your grace dominates and my pride submits.

You have seen the empty rooms of my heart, you have knocked on the doors of chambers I refused to open, you stayed and endured the cold breeze, you tried to reach for me when you heard my cry through the cracks of the walls I built, you stayed still. You and all the love you have for me stayed, waiting for me to finally defrost, how could I have thought that I needed to be perfect to deserve your love? Why did I leave you in the dark when you are my light? Why did I think I can feel without you when you have my heart? God where did all this start? Where did I think I needed to be someone to deserve your embrace? So foolish of me to create laws that restrict harm from coming my way when you are the law.

You are my King, my everything, my rest.

The light that finds me in the darkest places of sin, a God who is never enough with me, a God who is always on my right-hand side. I felt death craving for me, I felt it sneaking in and just when it almost caught me, you stood in formation, you consumed it, and now I stay burning for you. Just when I lost my way, I became whom you didn’t create, chasing after things that were the death of me, when I lost my ways out of wanting what you didn’t intend for me, you gracefully broke me, you broke the need for justification, you took me to spiritual rehabilitation to eliminate addiction and now you are my obsession.

Breath of life, it was you I needed to inhale more than anything, I have been breathless only because you were never in the things I seek. Hoping to grasp for air without you was suicide, you are my life support. My soul knows very well, My King that you are all that makes sense. You are beautiful in all your ways, your love stays the same even in my shame, you never stop chasing me down, leaving the 99 to come and chase me down. I can never really explain what you have done for me but if they ask I will tell them that you, God, that only you reign supreme, I will tell them that you have set my heart on fire and now I am burning from within. When they ask, I will tell them that you dealt with what I have been trying to fix for years, it only took one touch from you and now I feel complete. When they ask why I am crazy, deeply in love with you, I will tell them that I never knew how to feel, emotions felt like a movie but you made them real for me. Let it be known today that you are King, you alone are KING.