I just realised how young I was, How I didnt know a thing about myself and how that resulted in traumatic experiences for people who had to experience me at that time.

I am typing this in my office, my very first official office, it needs some touch up here and there, starting with the carpet, clearing all the broken equipment in here too will be great, atleast give me some space to keep flowers I am yet to receive, talking about making space. its so crazy how now, all of a sudden I understand myself, who I really am, my flaws and all the nasty little habits that make me a little annoying at times, my need to isolate when hit hard times then come back like nothing happened, my inability to allow feelings in their greatest capacity because if I am being honest, I dont know if I can handle them, I never really had to handle anything besides having dreams, goals, studies and other activities I need to do on the side, but older I get the more I realise that the feelings I so ignore, I really need to focus on.

My apologies to people who met me before the emotional intelligence, before I experienced loss, before I actually gave myself time to be within me, you unfortunately met the broken, unaware, self sabotaging, angry and depressed yet coping human being, you met my coping mechanisms not me, you met the psycho who had the need to control everything around them, you met a girl, a very small girl who did not know how to communicate well, you met a stranger lost in her own world, you met a wounded soldier who had no intentions to get well, you met the anxiety, you met the fear camouflaged in a short height and the face you saw was actually a mask, you met my double, she is nothing like me.

I look at me now, the scar on my chest, my birthmarks, my big eyes, skin with texture and I would rather be me than anything I was. I look at me now, able to deal with the devil I meet in the hallways, the streets, the church and the family, I look at how I am not scared to tango with this devil only because now I am sure, I WILL WIN, NOW I AM CERTAIN THAT HE HAS ALWAYS BEEN BENEATH ME, and now I can love free, I can feel free, there are no more strings on me, I am sorry you met me while I was in chains, yet with the keys to set myself free in my hands, my focus was on captivity and I became addicted to the feeling of being bound to past hurt and shame, so scared to try again incase it still remains the same, I apologise, I was just a child.

Looking at me now and I cant help but laugh, I am a combination of both my parents, best of both worlds even the darkest parts of this world. Have you ever felt like you are defeating demons that your own mother couldnt fight, that your own father couldnt face and yet here you are, one man army, fighting through what put generations before you on their knees, I must be wonderful, I think I am wonderful so my apologies thereof for not seeing myself for who I am, when you met me, I thought I was unworthy, I thought I was not great, I judged my life by what I saw and now I am crazy enough to believe I can set this whole world on fire, give me one match and watch me set ablaze everything telling me that I cant be that which I desire, give me one chance to let you know that back then I let mistreat create a home in me, now it submits to me…

Now if you got a chance to meet me when I didnt know what I wanted, what I deserve, how powerful I am lucky you, you had to benefit from my brokenness, now I burn bridges, now I disrespect you respectfully, now I walk away and I dont turn back, Now I love myself enough to know that there is no table without me, I bring the table, you need to qualify to sit on it, I don’t wine and dine with Judas, it was my Fathers story… not mine and because of Him Judas is scared to look at me in the eyes because of the cross.

My apologies you met me while in the company of fools, now I have joined the winning and new management has taken over, they dont hesitate to fire and dismiss, mind how you treat me.

Bear with me as I take care of unnecessary drama and negative energies, I promise it will get better

Feels so good to be here, I love who I am becoming, so bold and free. these are the days I have been praying for

It has been some time since I last had an insert here, I am typing this with a hope that everyone is well, healthy, wealthy, loved and appreciated.

I am well, actually…I am way better yes I cry, yes I get tired, yes I am overwhelmed at times, yes I am stressed out or anxious but I have been so well with all these changes taking place.

I am in love with my body, God knows it took us a while to be in this place where I look at myself in the mirror and see a perfectly flawed yet lovely person. I cant begin to explain the amount of things I wanted to change every time I looked into the mirror, it was almost like all I see is all the things that are wrong, cellulite, weight gain, thick thighs and small toes. All I saw was parts of me that people dont clap for and they were making noise. I started working out, even though I am shaping up, I am also gaining mass but strange enough, I love us right now, I love my body in all its flaws. I would beat myself up for lacking that Kim Kardashian or Beyonce booty, I still dont have it lol, but I love what I got now. I really love it here.

Academically, I am striving… I met a hiccup along the way, a little bit of delay in supervision but my God made a way, I am now supervised by a wonderful Doctor. He told me something, He said

“What you are doing needs you to build up positive vibes around you, your degree will drain you so make sure when it does, you have people around you who will feed you good vibez”

I heard you Doc, I have been making changes, It gets a little bit lonely and I have to be cold, trying to cu toff everything or everyone making me feel less of anything I am, but I am loving the space they created because God keeps replacing it with amazing souls, no negative energies, no hate just love, I really love it here.

I am learning to bake, I am experimenting in the kitchen, I am travelling a lot, I am meeting different people, with different views on life and I realise in every encounter that the world is such a beautiful place, so much bigger that the pain you might feel, or the betrayal you felt, there is a whole new world out there, amazing people, great atmosphere and I am here for it, I am here for all the poetry I am reading, the ability to feel besides being used. I used to think that before I could be appreciated I need to prove my worth, bring something to the table, be strong and complain less but to my surprise, I am myself and I am wanted and needed still. it feels unusual, I dont need to be fluent in afrikaans, know numbers, speak in tongues, be a yellow bone, I am just me and guess what…there are people who love me, just me…just who I am. I really love it.

Yes, I had to face my demons and understand that certain things happened in my life because of me, but in the midst of all the self introspection and calling myself out on my mess, I am glad to announce that I have not loved myself less, I am on this journey and I dont have a map on where to go or a manual on what to do to fix what and how to know when what is broken but I know rhis for sure, every bad move, wrong decision took me here, and its beautiful here

Let me re introduce myself

Hi, My name is Lerato, my friends call me Lee, close ones call me Thando, I am known as Miss Nondeyi in the corporate world, sometimes they call me “Pretty” thats my second name. I am a bit broken, I am bit unhinged but there is a blessing in that… I dont judge, I dont have time to hate, I let bridges burn now, I dont really chase anymore, I dont read between the lines, I dont cry over spilled milk no more. My name is Lerato, like my name I have so much love to give but when its not reciprocated I honestly walk away with it. I am not ashamed of the gospel and I have clubbing.

I am hoping you get to grow with me

Every time I post something romantic, could be a poem, a song, a quote, people think its what I am going through or what I am feeling.

This blog is about truth and by vertu of that, let me be clear and honest…

I am not dating and I am not lesbian or whatever rumors’ that have passed by and lingered on, I am not in a relationship

I am however committed to a lot of things, I would say that my mind has been in these commitments so much that I don’t give myself an opportunity or time. If you have had a glace of my life, you will know that a lot happens and I lose my mind at times, for weeks and sometimes a month, I become detached and isolate just to recuperate, so… to cut the long story short and all the curiosity, I am single, I have no child and my pet is my phone and laptop, I would love to have a cat but I haven’t taken care of or have accounted to a life, having to own a kitten is a bit scary for me, what if it gets sick? what would I do? what if it doesn’t like me? does it have a choice to even like me? because I don’t want to force it, I am not a dictator.

I believe love happens, everyday love happens but the bible tells us not to arouse love before its time (Solomon 8:4) this scripture gives me the comfort I need in knowing that love happens at a specific time but I will not arouse it and I want every single woman reading this to know that its not your job to pursue any man, The Bible says that He who finds a wife, key word “Find” (Proverbs 18:22) its not your job to be out there acting desperate and available to any man who makes no means of proving that he wants you, relax, God got you and I know the pressure, I know the questions about who is the lucky guy or when will you get marrie, they can get too much at times but dont let them get to you, the worst thing you could do is allow the pressure to get to you and end up falling into a trap the devil planned to destroy you, either your confidence or your time, relax Girl, a man who wants you will do what he is supposed to do to get you, dont worry about time, dont worry about getting the wrong person, God has good people to give to good people, RELAX

I had so many many reasons not to reveal my relationship status, because its private but I have been approached lately by people who ask me who is this important man behind my glow…like a woman cant glow on her own, without any influence of a man. like we cant make our own happiness, like the season of singleness is a curse, dont you know that sometimes God needs to work on you alone? so you may realise the strength you have as a person and when you know the source of your happiness, God will then give you to someone without worrying that you will make that person the center of your happiness and suffocate them with your misery.

I pray for you, beautiful woman, I stand with you that in your season of singleness, may you never fall into toxic relationships trying to run away from loneliness, may you find strength in the Lord to take care of yourself gracefully, glow in your singleness, grow in your singleness, don’t wait on someone to be happy. I pray against the feeling of losing out, you are not losing out on anything, you are not scattered, you are not miserable, you are not broken, there is nothing wrong with you love, everything about you is what a man needs to commit. You don’t deserve to be someone’s second option, you might be too much to handle but you are also too much to lose, you may have flaws and burdens but God got you Girl, the right one will not say you’re asking for too much, the right one will stay, He will not go and come back after he realises that there is only one you, the right one will know how to love you even in your worst days and you will love him the same, you will be exactly the woman he needs, you will submit, you will respect him because he will never make you feel like your submission is weakness, You will have a healthy household were children are brought up by both parents, your marriage will not end in divorce, your marriage will not be a lesson but a blessing, together with your husband, you will be a testimony that God is still in the business of healthy matrimony, an example that God still loves the union of 2 people.

your children will be called “Great” your household will have no problems financially, spiritually or emotionally, your household will tell of Gods glory, both your and your husband will be blessed with endless love and friendship, loyalty, faithfulness and your love will be renewed everyday, your bond will be unbreakable, grace will protect your unity.

Amen

I receive this prayer for myself too

In your season of singleness, bloom gracefully

On your worst days, when the sun hides behind the skies.

 all you feel is rain

When there’s pain, the failure to give this day another try.

Please, see how far we can go, give me the benefit of a doubt

All I ask is that you believe in me, that where you need to be is in my arms

Even when you are broken, when you can’t make sense of reality

Don’t shut me out

I will be an escape, another chance to see life in a different way

I don’t promise you paradise, I can’t give what I don’t have

I wont lie to you, I won’t make promises I can’t keep

I won’t compare you to anyone, who you are is all I need.

Don’t try life without me

I don’t want to know who broke your heart, I don’t want to know what she did.

With me there’s a new start, these walls you’ve built don’t stand a chance

I don’t want to understand the disappointment you felt, or the shame

It wont be the same, with you I will keep every word, every promise, I will cross my heart and hope to die..that pinky promise, that teenage romance  

 That old school love

I don’t know where you’ve been but you just found your home

I don’t know what they said before that broke your soul, with me you just found rest

My king, this is where you belong.

Now when you’re done gambling with your heart

When you have finally had enough

When the glitz and glamour don’t mean much

When you finally understand what you are worth…

YOU CAN REST YOUR LOVE ON ME

I know it has been a while but when I disappear know that I am working on a lot, it has been a very long winter filled with so many surprises and hiccups of its own, I had to deal with health issues, progress with my academics and change in my career, I knew this year will be a discovery but I underestimated how deep of a discovery it would be for me.

This day started pretty emotional for me, I had church then cooked myself a descent meal, my apartment if shaping up the way I want it to, a lot of flowers, a lot of music, I am finally feeling again…no, its not what you’re thinking, when I speak of feeling people often confuse that to loving a man but I mean “I finally see myself and I am making so much sense” I had fears, scars I was scared of showing and incidents that threatened my sanity but finally, I am back to myself, listen to me

“ You can lose anything but never lose yourself” because the journey to self-discovery is very complex and extremely hard. I thank God for allowing me the opportunity to break the way I did in JUNE, boy did I break in that month that in JULY, all the fears I had seemed so unnecessary.

But here is my wish for you. I know it might be something you don’t want to hear but I am going to write it anyway, I am not going to give an explanation on why I wish this for you but I hope you understand that it comes from a place of a healed heart and a clear conscious.

HERE WE GO…

 I wish you love, the kind that wont let go of you, the kind that would choose you everyday in everyway even on your worst moments. I wish that it makes you feel like somebody, that it may be kind to you even on days you cant stand yourself. That when you push it away, when you try to self sabotage…this love wont let you because you’re a beautiful person and you deserve it

I wish you heal form the times you let go and became vulnerable and someone took advantage of it, I wish you give love another try and never have to teach someone how to love you again, I wish you could rest in knowing that you and all your flaws are everything someone needs and more, I wish you understand that you and all the things you don’t know, all the things you cant get right, all the thing you suck with and all the things you are scared to share wont be too much someday when you meet the reason why you never settled. I wish you know that you deserve kindness, you deserve patience and everything about you that was a mess never controls you. I know its never easy letting your gut down but its 2022, people are dying everyday, our hearts our broken with every soul and those left…we are all left with nothing but hope that we get to keep eachother as long as we can, we get to express feelings and gratitude as long as we can, hold on to that hope, to the faith and give your heart a little chance to feel again.

I have been to different places the last couple of months, Cape Tow, Gariep, Limpopo, Botsoana etc and with every place, each time I am awestruck by nature, I realise how small I am against the ocean, against the forest, against the fresh morning breeze, the world enlarges to many opportunities. STOP THINKING THAT WHERE YOU ARE IS THE BEST YOU CAN DO, LIFE HAS SO MUCH GREAT AND BEATIFUL THINGS IN STORE, never limit how far you can go, how much you are deserving, or who is going to stick by your side, it all unfolds beautifully even with the things you have lost.

From me to you, love is real and you deserve it, choose one that sticks by you no matter how unhinged you may be, rest your heart in that.

Good luck with everything, you beautiful soul

If there is one thing I pray for, especially when it comes to you who is reading this right now, is that God should bless you so much that you become a blessing to other people, I pray that even on your worst days you may have the ability to stand strong and go through the storm in grace not only because you read my blog and maybe support other things that are related to me, I need you to be happy and I need you to strive.

You are important to me because through you I get a chance to become, many times I thought I was different and I fought that but your replies, the likes to every post makes me feel like maybe being different is not a bad thing, YOU GREW WITH Me ever since I started this blog way before the Pandemic you walked this journey with me, you read through the lines and you have been patient with me and that means a whole lot than you can imagine.

I have typed on this blog with tears in my eyes, I have uploaded content on this blog on the darkest days of my life, through heart aches, insomnia and anxiety, I got to share bits and pieces of me here and never was I judged, discouraged or even felt self-pity,  you have made my blog a safe place where I can admit my wrong and grow in my own pace, thank you.

Sometimes I take some time before I engage on this platform because life as we know it has a way of keeping us on our toes, then I disappear once more to get my head right, THANK YOU for being here when I come back to myself.

I have shared my experiences from love to my career and academics, I have shared some of my fears, the little things I can’t seem to fight or even the best memories on this blog, the more I did, is the more I became human, some people would reply by email, with every sentence I felt understood, thank you.

I have grown into my own woman, I have evolved and honestly…I didn’t know that so much of me needed healing, I didn’t know how broken I was because I was still functional in my mess, I was focused on getting so many things done so much that I thought I didn’t need any work but that changed and I realised that part of loving myself is actually admitting to certain truths, I broke down patterns and started all over, you were here.

I am not who I was 2 years ago, today you get to witness the best version of me, the healed version of me, the happier version of me, the more alive version of me, you get to see me love more, trust more and try some more, have you realised how many times I smile lately? Have you noticed how my skin has changed? I feel it…all the beautiful things coming my way, I really feel like everyday is going to be filled with amazing memories, I feel like the best days of my life have began and you will hear about it, like you always have

As promised, the PDF…just because I love yo

here is a little something from me, for better reading please request a pdf file… all love

BOUNDARIES, LOVE LANGUAGES AND DETACHMENT
BOUNDARIES
Recently I have been thinking of altering some of my behaviors, I am an old soul, raised by my strict and very spiritual grandmother, some of her teachings I still uphold, for example.
A man should not walk into your house, into the place where you eat, drink, sleep and keep your draws unless if he goes steady with you.
What you just read is a valuable lesson from my grandmother, that a man should not enter my dwelling place unless if maybe, he is my fiancé, or in a courtship, years later and I struggle with allowing male species in my apartment, its almost like she is right there by my shoulder screaming
“WHAT DID I TELL YOU? NOW HE WILL NEVER TAKE YOU SERIOUSLY” my grandmother believed that young women give men easy access and as a result a man in return will be disrespectful, you are leaving no mystery for him, he won’t want to stick around when there is nothing left to know or see.
And years later, I am stuck on this rule, should I change? I don’t know
I feel a sense of dignity that I have gotten this far, this age that no man has went home because we are in relations and stepped in my parents yard, most would turn back somewhere close enough that even my neighbors at home wonder if there will ever be a wedding, my wedding celebration at home.

I have had to explain why I wouldn’t let a date in my place, after a beautiful time of trying to get to know each other over dinner, beautiful conversation and an amazing atmosphere and a brother takes me to my place, they look weird when I say “you cant come in”
I thought we had a great time? Or “What are you hiding?”
Yes we did have a great time and I am hiding nothing, This is just a very intimate space, this is where I store my energy, when I come back from work, I lay on these couches to rejuvenate, I am careful of the energy I let in and for some reason, allowing you in here is another level of vulnerability that a mere dates, a few conversations and laughter don’t even chip the ice, maybe later but now, I have boundaries.
And ladies and gentlemen, they fall like flies, something about this boundary that just rubs off certain male species the wrong way, I admit at times I use it to get rid of a few problems (You can tell when a problem texts you) but I do get worried that maybe it’s a bit too much.
The world is not the same as it was when my grandmother was a young lady, somethings still work, others are outdated…. some opinions, rules and principles don’t apply and I understand however this one has saved me from people that could have destroyed my soul, not only hot dates but bad people. I remember when I first got to my apartment, a week in and a certain gentleman had already figured out my lifestyle, He knocked on my door one night with popcorns, it was a Friday night and this is a very quiet complex, He offered popcorns only if he joins me. Of course, I refused however he persisted, He would bump into me and make small conversations then make his way to my apartment to get us to engage in certain activities, such as watching soccer, listening to music or playing games, I developed a negative attitude towards him, he was hitting a nerve, one day he did the same and I was having a bad day, let’s just say…He instantly became a dumping site, I let loose, I said things, I told him exactly what I thought of, I stepped out of character then wished him a great day, the next few days I will catch him and his friends say somethings looking my way, I admire their respect though, they knew better not to say that in close proximity, to my face, but the Lord answers real quick, later that night I had the honors of watching a live broadcast of 2 women from the same complex exchanging rather unpleasant words because of him, seems he loves welcoming women and making promises, now I had to witness a beautiful game of PAC-MAN, them with their mouths open chasing each other over a man who stocks popcorns just in case someone new has entered the building, Yet again…My grandmothers wisdom helped me.
But…
Should I change? Should I allow people into my space?
Should there be terms and conditions to this? I get worried that the same door I shut to protect myself from strangers is also shutting out my abilities to be vulnerable.
SHOULD I CHANGE?

LOVE LANGUAGES
The first time I heard about love languages was in 2020.
Kgothatso asked me about my love languages and for the life in me, I had no idea what He was asking me, usually I would google answers real quick but I felt that I needed a human explanation, I asked him to explain further, he sent me pieces of information and I got to discover myself all over again.
According to an article I read ( https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/the-5-love-languages-explained) a person can have multiple love languages, these are way in which ones gives and receives love.

• Words of affirmation
  People with words of affirmation as a love language value verbal acknowledgment of affection, including frequent “I love you’s,” compliments, words of appreciation, verbal encouragement, and often frequent digital communication like texting and social media engagement.
• Quality time
  People whose love language is quality time feel the most adored when their partner actively wants to spend time with them and is always down to hang out. They particularly love when active listening, eye contact, and full presence are prioritized hallmarks in the relationship.
• Acts of services
  If your love language is acts of service, you value when your partner goes out of their way to make your life easier. It’s things like bringing you soup when you’re sick, making your coffee for you in the morning, or picking up your dry cleaning for you when you’ve had a busy day at work.
• Gifts
  Gifts is a pretty straightforward love language: You feel loved when people give you “visual symbols of love,” as Chapman calls it. It’s not about the monetary value but the symbolic thought behind the item. People with this style recognize and value the gift-giving process: the careful reflection, the deliberate choosing of the object to represent the relationship, and the emotional benefits from receiving the present.
• Physical touch
  People with physical touch as their love language feel loved when they receive physical signs of affection, including kissing, holding hands, cuddling on the couch, and sex. Physical intimacy and touch can be incredibly affirming and serve as a powerful emotional connector for people with this love language.
  I always wondered exactly how I wanted to be loved and how I give love until this summed it up for me beautiful, my love languages are
• Words of Affirmation
  I love words, I love being told things, I love writing love letters and diarising certain moments hence my blog and I keep copies of multiple writers as a collective, they live in my bedroom, novels about romance and poems are my poison. It took me years to realise my need for words is actually how I want to love and I show love and I want to receive love, I never understood how something someone said would hurt me so bad than them hurting me physically.
• Acts of Service
  My life is one colourful, beautiful, hectic, scary, calm, chaotic ball of amazing events and sometimes I cant keep up, I don’t even know how to ask for help but when one does little things for me without even asking, I stick on them like a stamp on a love letter, where ever they are, I want to be, if they walk into a room, five minutes later I will follow because that’s a love language that hits my soft spot simply because being an independent woman, I don’t really want to give someone the power to think I owe them anything, but when someone approaches me not as an independent woman but JUST A WOMAN who doesn’t know how to fix things and so they do it for me, WITHOUT ASKING…I am gone! I am in love, matter of fact, I MARRY YOU NOW. This is the most intense love language I have, say I can’t reach the top shelve when I go shopping but when Tarzan shows up somehow, out of nowhere and helps me, the damsel in distress and reach out to that hot sauce I am trying to get at Pick N pay, my soft self might fall in love right there and then, be careful with me with gestures, you might end up a husband…
  There is a difference between these 2 love languages. The first one (Words of Affirmation) I developed myself, as a person who loves words naturally, from poetry to writing but the second love language might have developed from events that took place in the past, how I had to self soothe and do things for myself growing up and now the thought that someone would do them for me melts my heart, that’s why this one is more intense.
  Which gets me thinking about how some people’s love languages are a result of trauma, abuse or neglect. I think about how a boy who grew up without hearing compliments or words such as “I love you, I am proud of you” may have a problem of saying “I love you” but have a constant need of hearing words like “You’re the man” or “You are so handsome” or even “I need you” for affection and assurance.
  Should I change? Should I ask for more? Only having 2 love languages might not be enough for some people, others have all 5 love languages and that’s perfect, I am however worried about myself, I don’t ask for much and because of that I get excited over the bare minimum, I would get excited over other things that are standard just because I was not expecting them, this allows people to take you for granted, to know that you will understand and still be satisfied.
  SHOULD I CHANGE, SHOULD I ASK FOR MORE?
• 
  DETACHMENT
  There is the devil and then there is detachment, you can undermine the devil, maybe rub shoulders with him, like Keanu Reeves you can also be the Devil’s advocate (always remember hell though and burning, over and over again) but detachment is something you shouldn’t befriend, don’t play with her, she will crawl under your skin and invade your anatomy just to make sure you don’t care about any relation, you will destroy anything if it no longer feels the same, detachment will have you walking out even when you have all reasons and I have become her best friend. I have mastered detachment like the art of breathing, one minute I breathe you in the next I will rather suffocate than you exhale you become you have become comfortable and think you know me…just like that, I am gone.
  Emotional detachment is an inability or unwillingness to connect with other people on an emotional level. Being emotionally detached helps protect some people from unwanted drama, anxiety or stress.
  For others, detachment isn’t always voluntary. Instead, it’s the result of events that make the person unable to be open and honest about their emotions.
  Being honest, I was never detached, I loved sticking around, I loved until I realised that people use people like me, the “ride and die” kind of people, the soft ones and sometimes we don’t always get what we give, sometimes we give more than we should and that’s how I started detaching, I wont text if you don’t and I will deliberately let the conversation die if you don’t fight for it too, I will watch you make up your mind about me and say nothing, I don’t clear rumours, I would rather watch stand up comedy and forget about it over a meal and go about my life like what was said doesn’t exist.
  It has gotten so strong that I don’t even mind not being invited, I don’t mind not being counted in, the only time you will get my reaction is if it affect my family, my money, my career and my degree, now you will see me whip and nae nae, besides that I don’t even flinch, not even with my faith anymore, people questioning my beliefs don’t even touch my soul. I used to be bothered by what they say, about how I will walk away, about how long people stay, I don’t know more, my condolences to the ones who will fall along the way, I have lost all my crying, I cant cry no more, I can’t beg no more
  SHOULD I CHANGE?
  Some people don’t deserve the detachment, some people walk into our lives and restore, they need a little more time as they have never met a different, rare version of humanity, that is you, should you give them a chance? I don’t know
  I wrote this because I know there are people like me, you ae a blend of good and bad, you are curious and sometimes confused, you are managing everything but sometimes you need a break, this is for people who have been hurt and they can admit that they are dealing with issues that are heavy, finding it hard to trust humanity and themselves so they become distant, they disappear and live a different life away from the spot light, this is for those who pretend that the hurt didn’t change them, the trauma didn’t affect them, for those who loved and lost and they are trying to trust again, this is for those who are still struggling to forgive the betrayal from business partners and family members, don’t detach from yourself, be a beautiful mess and no one has the right to judge you but don’t be messy on you boo, find yourself again.
  Don’t pretend like it didn’t hurt you, don’t pretend that it didn’t change you, why are you acting like the betrayal didn’t touch you? Its okay not to be okay for a little while, you wont heal by pretending that it dint happen , you will sabotage your own happiness, the pain is prove that what you felt was real, your intentions were good.
  SHOULD I CHANGE? If the world has got you so twisted like me and some parts of you are no longer the same, here’s my answer
  Yes, change and grow.
  
  Somethings protect you. Keep them, others are your destruction, love yourself every day and choose yourself , of course you will relapse, there’s no manual, no recorded way of doing it right, there’s no pressure but let go of the toxic things you picked up when you didn’t know better.
  As for me, I am keeping my grandmother’s rule until I meet a reason not
  But yes, I am changing

This will probably be the most vulnerable I had to be, this is maybe the first time i explain my heart

I know, it has been a long time, but I am working on an idea that a friend of mine suggested to make my experience with yours a better one. Its too early to announce it but I am on the works to provide easy access and great quality for everyone, it might  take a while but if you have been with me on this journey, you already know that I will get it done.

Back to the order of the day “HOW HARD I FALL”

On Father’s Day I didn’t deliver as much as I wanted, I have this great surprise for my Father but I couldn’t make it home, I managed however to order something online, I complemented it with a heartfelt message (also covered with the embarrassment of not delivering) and my Father, as Kind and gentle as he is, gave back the most beautiful reply, so beautiful that I cried. I have been dealing with many changes, I have been in brutal discomfort both emotionally, mentally and spiritually lately that I become so drawn into my own world and I have neglected the most important people in my life but oddly even with these changes, I am at a great place emotionally and mentally and my Father, My dad has played a great role in that. My Father understands how fragile I am, He also recognises how strong I am, when he approaches me, He does it with ease and yet firm and fierce that even in my crazy moments, when the psycho in me takes over, when I am the villain and I want to pass the blame because the truth is a bitter pill to sallow, I become difficult to deal with, my dad humbles me real quick, In silence, in grace, in love and as a friend, this gives me an opportunity to understand and believe that even in my worst, I am loved.

I am not perfect, I have never falsified being perfect and recently I just realised that I carry a serious-minded demeanour, that at first glance people think I don’t even laugh, or feel, or engage with others and I can come off strong and affirmative. Dice once told me that my Aura is too strong, Sbusiso supported his statement that the first time he met me, He was afraid to ask for water or directions to the bathroom, He also expressed his concern with this as he believes it might be a problem with my relationships, he believes that I will scare men away, honestly he made me chuckle because he later explained that once you get to know me, I am the most kind and gentle person ever. Of course I take these concerns into consideration but the highlight is “At first I look unapproachable but once you know me, I am the kindest person ever” ladies and gentlemen this is what we call “Defence mechanism” I AM NOT FOR EVERYONE and my father taught me that those who are not ready for me will find it hard to break the walls and the right ones will blend in easily, My Father taught me that its okay to stand out, the people who are scared of it will depart, people who feel uncomfortable with my boundaries and principles will walk out, the ones who stay will be the realest, it will be the ones who saw beneath the aura, and I promise you, the ones who stay and allow me to be me, I fall for them, I fall so in love with them in every shape or form, I will die everyday for them and rebuild myself in the morning just to die again and those who know, will attest that not everyday do I not fall hard for who I love, Only they can get me defeated, fall on my knees.

I fall hard and I have been fighting myself for how much I go all in, sometimes when you fall the way I do, you never expect anything in return, you settle for the bare minimum because you can simply fuel yourself up when the flames burn out but you keep falling, harder and deeper, I used to fight it but now I understand, I am one of the few rare ones left, flaws and all, I am a rare breed. People give and expect, I give and I don’t even know how to ask when I am need, I give and I don’t even know how to stop, I give and I drift so hard that I don’t know how to get back, be patient with me, when you see these walls I build, be patient with me, when I am trying to figure it out, I am not as hard as I look, because no one knows how hard I fell the last time I did, how many broken pieces were there, how they cut through me trying to put myself into pieces but even so, I keep falling for those who stay and maybe thats an error, maybe thats a fault but I love, I laugh, I cry, I celebrate, I try to express myse am just not for everybody and I am okay with that.

May all the Fathers feel appreciated and be treated like kings this month, May all the Fathers fighting to be present in their children’s live have access to them. i love yal

2 weeks back the doctor gave me a scare of my life, since that day I have mentally been fighting what He told me, spiritually standing against it.

He looked at me and asked, “Do you want to die young?” I knew from that question that He found something, He blew air into a balloon and then used a needle to burst it, He said “This is what you are doing to your heart” He made a few jokes to lighten the mood, I guess He knew from my reaction that I knew exactly what He was referring to, then suddenly he became very serious and asked “Do you have a boyfriend?” I answered, he then asked, “do you have a child?” I told him not yet, and then he said “you have 2 options. 1. Have a child, because at the rate you are going, you will die young, at least leave someone who will bring comfort to your family when you’re gone. Option 2, I suggest that you start living, stop doing too much and going hard because you’re killing yourself”

Which I answered “1. I will have a baby when I want to. 2. I am not dying, I will live, and I will tell of the goodness of God, I will believe that I am dying if God confirms it, until then I will lay off stress and relax” hence I took a trip but that was a learning curve.

What happened, you ask?

I have opened many times about having anxiety, though I never praise it or give it extra attention, it’s still something I can’t ignore but on the morning of the 16^th of May 2022 my heart decided to be dramatic and seek attention. woke up as usual to get ready for work and it didn’t cooperate, sharp chest pains and shortness of breath became my reality real quick, okay, sure I have been handling quite a lot of things, everything happening all at once, I have been here before, maybe everything was just a little too heavy to handle and little heart needed some TLC and that’s how I ended up on the Doctors bed with cardiac arrest (I don’t wish it upon my enemy). When you have anxiety, its like there is a little person inside of you questioning everything, or maybe doubting everything, making you nervous, showing you all the wrong reasons, something won’t happen. You try to buy shoes and there goes this little person “Are you sure you can walk in these?” you try to form relations and there goes the little person “Aren’t you worried?” and then you step out to have fun and there goes that little person inside “RUN” and I have been able to tame this little monster but when everything happens all at one, this little person at times gets the upper hand, sometimes it becomes so severe that I start feeling like they are winning, that’s when I need reassurance, that’s when I run out of patience, that’s when I isolate, that’s when I go in hiding, that’s when I become an island.

My heart is behaving now, my little girl is pumping blood and doing what she is supposed to do but I am careful now, I take it easy now. I breathe now because honestly, I don’t want little miss to misbehave