I heard about men who bruise and bring pain
I have heard about men who walk out and leave women not the same
I heard about the shame, their voices roaming in their heads
Telling them over and over that they are to blame.
I was warned, I was given reasons to stay away from love
How it defeated our ancestors, how this generation is cursed
I heard that we have lost what the feeling means, its something we will only read about
Women dying and men lying, a creation of doubt so terrifying

And there was you, A living epitome of God answering prayers
You, an embodiment of my inner child receiving grace and a second chance
You and how you restored my years of doubt, you! as a man…walking through the cold corridors of my heart gently bringing me back to life, finally I can exhale
You and how you see the world, having been through so much I would expect you to be bitter
The trauma and the battle you fought, I would expect you to be abusive
I would expect you to hate peace, to sabotage happiness and call it “being a man”
Yet here I am, in your arms, the safest place I have been, so secure
Here I am, feeling beautiful in my own skin, smiling from ear to ear
I never needed you to love my eyes, to adore my smile but you call me beautiful every chance
Even on days I feel less myself, I am more aware of my flaws and I dwell in these scars
You see me at my worst and never have you made me feel anything less than amazing
Here I am again, grateful for your presence, for your life

I was told that I live in dreams and the reality is that love hurts
I was told the world chews girls like me and spit them out, I felt it, I witnessed it
I loved and lost many times, fighting became the death of me, love was the reason
Now there’s you, and all the light that covers your occurrence, the words you use in disagreements
How you choose me every single day, How you honor me in every single way
My whole existence is no longer the same, my heart rejoices everyday
You, and the promises you keep, the faith you have in me
The way you handle my strength, the power in your tenderness
You, as a man not being a slave to your past, letting go of your pride everytime you apologise
Even when you were right making me a better version from who I was.
Why would I break when you love me right?
There’s you and everyone else, everyone else in the game
They are making careless moves, creating rules in a web of lies
Holding their hearts outside their chest to avoid feelings While they mourn past hurts and vow to shut down from love as they learn from their mistakes.
Creating notorious memories with strangers who steal the best of who they are every drunken night
Then then wake up in the morning with sober regrets next to soul not worth of their flesh.
Then there is you.

The King, He who receives the best in who I am.
You stand by me and hold my hand, correct me when I am wrong and kisses my hands when they cold
You and your afternoon walks, love of music and horror movies
You and the crazy stories you tell from your childhood
You, becoming more of a man daily, opening to wisdom and appreciating being different
You stand out, you are all that and more.
How can I not see that, when you love me right?

NB: Sensitive content

I had fun last night, the company was great, the music amazing and the vibe was sky high but I am not doing it ever again, shout out to my girls for giving me a night filled with nothing but a great artmospher but I am honestly not doing it again. It’s not that something bad happened or that I am a spoil sport, I am actually a joy to be around but no, this is not my scene, it’s not me and it was confirmed last night.

Shout out to people who love partying, drinking and having a night of their life’s on the dance floor, you are very strong, I can barely move my body right now however I discovered what I needed to know, I thought maybe I was boring and that I need to let my hair down a bit, I did last night, I am happy to announce that I am not boring, it’s just not for me. At some point the room gave me nausea, the smoke and the sound with the bright red lights got to me, I felt like I might fall down, I walked outside and tried to catch myself before I drift too far to a point of regrets, while breathing the fresh air and finding my feet, a man out of nowhere shouted in my ear “I think I know you” he then continued telling me stories about his childhood barely being able to stand and utter words right, the alcohol had its way with him.

Got to my place safe and sound but I didn’t sleep, everything that was in my stomach.. I threw it up, till I had nothing else but bile to throw up, it left my mouth bitter for hours, my body shivering, a major headache and hours of being in the bathroom throwing up till I thought I was dying, I hate pain, if you know me then you know that I hate feeling pain, physical or emotional pain, I hate it.

Now, I knew long ago that going out was not my thing, I hardly do go out and I barely drink, alcohol makes me sick…the side effects of it all I can’t stand, but I went out because I have been telling myself to m live more but I guess this one is not for me, by 11pm I was in my feelings, missing my warm bed and warm apartment, by 12 am I had enough of the men stopping by our table offering things, at 1 am… That was it, I had enough, I was out and ready to just step at my apartment and get rid of the skin tight jeans I had on. Please! If you have in mind a road trip, a photoshoot or anything to do with art, skiing, skydiving, traveling, gala dinner, book launch, science and history lectures, picnic dates, site seeing, church seminars, movie nights… please tag me along because that’s my thing, yes I am that person.

If I go out, it’s never gonna be a repeat of last night… Last night was my last, if you think I am boring, well hey, it’s okay but Its not my thing, my social meter runs out and I hate the side effects of it all. I am not a party girl… I tried

#UNEDITED

The guy who lives 2 apartments away from me seems to have a whole fantasy happening in this head and it makes him believe that “He can save me” I don’t know who told him that I need saving or some company on my movie nights which usually take place on Fridays. We met last week and hue immediately asked why is it that I am not always around and when I am, he hardly sees me outside or with company, amazing how you can move into a complex and in just a month a bachelor would think that they have studied you enough to know you, yet he hard a whole year at school to figure out his modules and that wasn’t a success, but hey! There he was standing Infront of me and make bold statements. He also mentioned that I am not married yet because I am a Xhosa woman, apparently we are hard to deal with, hot headed, stubborn. I knew when he was speaking all this nonsense that our next encounter I wont be generous to even dignify it with my time, he also made a few promises, in a 3 minutes conversation he managed to promise to buy me flowers after church on Sunday as he always sees me making my way to church every Sunday morning, I knew at that moment that if I entertain this conversation for another second I will end up saying things that my mother tried so hard to keep out of my mouth.

I don’t know what makes a man believe that a woman living alone is definitely “alone” just because he doesn’t see somebody, he thinks there is nobody , and even if they are alone, what makes him think that she is lonely, being alone doesn’t necessarily mean one is lonely, automatically he will think that he is some kind of hero, he should save her from the misery and torture of the single life. Some of these fellas are preposterous. There’s a difference between a grown woman and a little girl, a grown woman has long became her own hero, you trying to save her its actually an insult to the work she had to put in, you see her looking stunning, she is minding her business, she has dreams and she is trying to find balance, don’t bother her with lazy pick up lines and honestly… useless compliments, this woman already knows that she is beautiful even if she isn’t your kind of beautiful, it does not matter to her because she just snatched her confidence from a cold, cold place, she looks at her flaws and sees magic, don’t you dare come out of nowhere and think you will save her, from what? From her solitude? From her strength? A real man knows that he is supposed to just add to her not use her as a trophy, a good enough reason to brag to his friends. There are women and then there are girls, mind you actions when you deal with both, maybe a girl will make you believe that without you life is on pause but this side we make moves, with or without you, in case you think big decisions wont be made because you are depriving her of your presence, you are in for a shock. This side we really don’t have time to be stressed out, our bills are already taking care of that, our families are already taking care of that, if you are not my peace then why are you here?

I had a second encounter with him today and he was mad that I saw him and I didn’t greet him, I told him that I was busy on my phone, I didn’t see him and he told he was mad, my answer was “ok” he then said “I don’t forgive you” and I said “Okay” maybe he was expecting a some kind of cheerleading since according to him I am in desperate need of his attention, I am an introvert, if anything I feed from not getting attention, its like a super power, the more you leave me at peace, the more I strive, I blossom gracefully, life makes sense, I love it that way. Maybe little girls love his car, maybe they enjoy his conversations on polygamy, alcohol and sex. I am reading a book, attending a history lecture on Thursday and Friday, I am on zoom meetings trying to create multiple streams of my income so that my babies wont have to live like I did, I just discovered the art of ASMR and a woman called Latte who has been helping me fall asleep, I am not looking for help, I don’t want to be saved, I am not worried about age, time, I don’t care about your car, its yours, not mine… I don’t care what you drink, I don’t even know what is in and what is out, I don’t even know who more famous right is now to brag about your life style, I just know that Will slapped Chris Rock and I saw hurt on both these men’s face, the embarrassment on one and built up emotions on the other. So please, if you want a girl please leave a woman alone, as you are not ready for that kind change, deep conversations, you are not ready to add to her then please don’t want to take from her, her time, he space, her mind, her loyalty, let her be…

#Unedited

I am burned out, I think I might lose my mind and I cant imagine what a woman in my shoes is feeling, she who wakes up every morning with hope even when the odds against her, she who is taking care of a family and never focus on herself, she who cries in secret rooms and fight her battle on her knees, praying to the only GOD she believes in. Women like me, those who are doing it without family inheritance and assistance, no ones help. I know the voices in your head girl, they whisper to me too, they are mean, they are rude, they attack the works of your hand, they mock yours strength and I know there have been simple ways to get out, I know filthy men who had fading gold promised to make it better, they wanted to toss their coins on you like Judas in exchange to your soul, and I know you are wise, you know that not all that glitters is gold and none of them has ever fooled you, you are doing okay girl, you are winning love. I know you have had nights where the weight on your shoulders feels like pulled muscles and a painful back, for the life of you, no matter how hard you tried to reach down your spine and soothe your aching back, you, and the beauty day at spa is always postponed, for some reason you priorities something else, someone else but yourself, even if that massage can do you a great deal, you sacrifice yourself, you would rather carry that tension.

 I carry you in my heart, you walk into the room and their hearts are stolen, its in the way you laugh and direct respect to everyone, it’s in the way you carry yourself and give kindness even when the world has been cold to you, I carry you in my heart.

You are so strong that some will love it and never give you a chance to be weak, I know at times your pride and independence will not allow help, you will never admit to failing, to weakness, to confusion, it often makes you look like you are on top of the world, only if people knew that sometimes it feels like the world is on top of you, that when it rains, it pours, the floods drown you and you need a helping hand but the word “Help me” do not escape your mouth, you will be treading water until you save yourself, there is strength in that, I wont judge you for that, though I want you break the silence before it kills you, I carry you in my heart.

I know the love for beautiful things, diamonds and long hair, I know you want your eyebrows on fleek, you want to follow a skin routine yet along the way you just lose the time and the interest fade, I need you to be easy on yourself, self-care is also important, I need you to allow yourself to unfold, open up to feelings you never had, give them a chance.

I am in love with you, everything about you girl, every victory and every loss, everything you got over and what you are about to receive, what you believe in and the way you talk about what you desire, even with fear in your voice you speak it to life, you believe in it.

You keep doing it girl and no one will ever do it like you do, you are the woman for the job and you handle it with excellence and great ethics

It is with great sadness to announce that I am no longer holding on to pain or keeping people who break my soul and my spirit close to me, I denying poverty, stagnation and I am denying pain, I am denying disappointment and rejection, they are no longer a part of me, I am refusing to believe that before I receive something, I have to break my back first and fight for the things I deserve, I am no longer embracing the past and Yes, I forgive you too.

I don’t know how you will take this, I apologize if I have done you wrong before, but that’s what I did and not who I am, that’s where I was when I didn’t know better but right now, right here I am a good person, in a good space, with a good heart and I deserve the best of what life has in store, the best in my career, the best in my finances, the best of love and mostly, peace in its greatest form.

Therefore I apologize to those who have benefited in my brokenness, those who have rejoiced in my mistakes, those who have danced to the rhythm of my heartbreak, I apologize to those who believe that they have a hold on me, a say to what I should do, I have outgrown attachment and the guilt trip, I have outgrown trauma of the past and the walls I have built around my heart that were blocking the happiness, I have defrosted, my cold heart that never accepted any flaws, my pretty little heart, the one I have been wearing on my sleeves is exhaling now, its awake now, its giving life another chance, its seeing beneath the facet.

Its with sadness to announce that I will no longer give where I am not given, I will no longer submit to people who take my submission as weakness, I surrender to people who admit to my weakness and give me a chance to be at my best and even if it may take time, they are patient with me, the kind of ambiance that allows me to blossom, they hold my hand and give me a chance to become in any manner I wish I could be.

My deepest condolences the people who are about to lose me.

With Love, Lee

Whats up Brav?

I am heartbroken brav, I have seen the stats, I see that men cant speak out, they believe that their feelings are not important, they choose to kill themselves and I hope that you don’t ever have to feel alone or that you are not valuable, or maybe you need to be a certain kind of strong to deserve love, I pray that the Lord may surround you with great peace and serenity. I know the world can be such a cold place and you have battles that invade your mind, it gets a bit hard sometimes and you wonder if it will get better, TRUST THIS LOVE, it will because I pray for you, I hold you in my arms when I lift them up to God in worship, I pray for your sanity, I pray for your prosperity, I pray for your strength. You and I are going to draw people to God, we are going to prove that God is still in the business of holy matrimony, we will be the ones they use as examples of God ordained union, we will not be typical “Couple goals” that people get hyped over, we will be a combination that God approves, that bring revival to the souls of people who believe that marriage ends in divorce, we will be the ones to prove what “Eternity” means and because this is such a huge task that God will give us, I know HE is testing and trying you right now, He is making you cry, HE is building your character not only as a Man but my Husband, a Father, My prayer partner, My parents son-in-law, their leader, the head and also my best friend, trust and believe that I understand. I am also tested, I am also tried, the last week was the hardest even though there are many like that to come, being aware that I am human and I will get tired, best believe your woman aint no punk, I am holding it down, sometimes I hold it down crying, crawling, doubting, discouraged but baby, I MOVE REGARDLESS, I move because the God in me is always strong. I had to be completely broken down in order to be built as a woman you deserve, the process was not easy, I met a couple of clowns and now I believe that the clowns were necessary for me to know when I have met a real man, there are no regrets, if that’s what I have to go through to be a force that is also deserving of you then “CODE BLUE”. I am woman who strives to change lives, I don’t know where this passion will take me but know that God had to make me a different breed in order to handle this heavy dream, what I asked from Him entailed that He will have to be a little hard on me, asking God of such a big thing means that I will have to be stretched and learn somethings the hard way, in order to speak soft, I have to know the pain of being spoken too harshly, in order to be kind, I have to experience people being rude to me, in order to love you right, you have to imagine what I went through and not only relationship with ex’s but love in general, from a church, from a colleague, from a best friend to a simple cousin, you can imagine what I had to endure but I knew, even this, IT WILL WORK TOGETHER FOR MY GOOD, and I am certain that you are part of that “GOOD” God mentioned in this scripture.

Take a breath, calm your thoughts, this world can be crazy and that we both know, its easy to slip up, its easy to fear, its easy to give up but rest your heart, you are not losing, you are not crazy, you are not unworthy, you are doing it right, you will make it just don’t let all the chaos cause you to take your own life.

I have realized that people want to know me, even though I believe I have been transparent enough on this blog but it seems as though I am not clear or making sense, I continue being a mystery. People want to know who I am loving, if I want children, where I live, what I do for fun, if I can dance or sing, any secret talents, my age is one of the things that people are curious about, some have nailed it…guessed it right, others say I sound mature yet look so young.

The world has changed, we are not who we used to be, we completely took a different route, its not safe but that’s not my reason, I am a completely private person, the only thing not private about me is my Instagram and Tweeter account and on purpose.

Let me answer your questions.

Hi, I am Lerato, my name means love, I am the first born and I look like my father, I took his eyes, brown skin, nose and lips, yes, my dad is gorgeous. I took my mother’s height and frame, some call it a figure, whatever you prefer, we are known to be thick, nice thighs and legs unfortunately, I didn’t take the legs which is unfair because I could do with some confidence boost. I am intelligent, a nerd even, I love those forensic science shows, the kind that bores my generation, those documentaries about wild life, I love art galleries and I can also calculate numbers in my head pretty fast, I know it’s not impressive but trust me to put together change at the front seat of a taxi, I become an accountant honey, everyone gets their correct money back and I am a critical reader, I love literature, if you want to amuse me, please read a few lines from a poem and I will listen to whatever magic that comes out of your mouth. People say I have an accent, I can’t attest to that since I have been speaking like this all my life, I am XHOSA, there is a lot to explain there but I am protective of my family, I will just leave it here

Incase you’re wondering about love, I have been in love before, got my heart broken a few times but it didn’t matter until I met someone I thought I wanted to be with for the rest of my life and it turned out they didn’t have the same sentiments, it was all in his actions, I didnt have to ask much, I could pick it up in things done, dont take me wrong, I had my share of misbehaviors, the me I am now is mature enough to admit I was wrong on certain occasions but I was never one who faked how I felt or even pretended to want us and thats what broke my heart, the fact that I was real from the start and it almost changed the way I view love. For a few months I was heartbroken, empty, I cried till I had the strength to pick every women in me and move, people think its weakness crying over a relationship that you really wanted, for a future that you hoped for with someone but honestly I see crying as a sign that you really loved, that you have a heart, the ability to love someone above you capacity, above their flaws or imperfections and that to me, is a beautiful experience and something I will never regret, its crazy how the heart can just forget, that something that once held so much could just disappear, one day you wake up and remember that you forgot everything and you don’t even know how that happened, how it all faded, that’s the beauty of letting go, it gets hard, harder, comfortable, simpler then gone. The mistake that people do is try to look happy, like they have moved on, prove it with pictures and posts, they announce to the whole world that they are single just to make someone jealous, I don’t have time for games, my life cant allow that unnecessary admin. Right now, people ask me if I am lesbian, even my own mother which I find hilarious but no, I am straight therefore I like men, they are amazing to look at, with that Adams apple and broad shoulders and veins on their arms, yes, they look amazing, I am a girl, I see that and Lord help me because He did a good job putting his sons together. I am not married and I don’t have children, I want to get married and I want a family, I hate divorce so I told the Lord to take His time with my husband, I will rather marry late than marry wrong, I asked the Lord to also ruin every relationship he may get in until he understands where his heart belongs and make it to me. I love tiny stupid things like Ice Cream dates, Movie Dates, I am an introvert but once I feel safe in a relationship, I become an extrovert, I become comfortable with people around as long as my partner is there so we can do concerts, attend seminars, whatever. Is there someone special in my life? am I dating? Am I taken?…

Enough about me and love.

I live with anxiety and I overthink (I don’t want to say I have anxiety, its not mine to claim) its always safe to be specific with me or else my mind will create different scenarios and I panic. I used to have anxiety attacks and I didn’t even know what they were, I just knew that I suffocated and felt like the world is spinning, when I was younger I could control it, without anyone noticing that I am self-soothing but the older I get the harder it becomes. When something has to be said, I prefer it to be straight to the point, my mind is always running that I might think things that are not there, it gets hectic at night when I should sleep, I struggle to fall asleep hence you will always find me awake at 3 am, which makes me hate mornings as I honestly don’t sleep much, which means I am not a morning person, in the morning before I face the world I need a few minutes to defrost, while I am defrosting I become silent, like I am not there, I am not angry, I am not sad, I just need to be in tune with reality and face the world and we all know that to face the world we need some kind of power and I am trying to put together that power. I hate being touched by strangers, especially when I am not expecting it, say you want to talk to me and I cant hear you calling my name, I prefer a gentle touch to my arm or hand, if you poke my shoulder or make an aggressive physical touch, I panic, my respond automatically becomes defensive, I believe its because I left home at a young age, I was alone in a big city and I always felt the need to look over my shoulder and be alert, this caused an amazing ability to observe, I never get to a place and not notice things, I see the most tiniest details, in colours, shapes, smell, EVERYTHING. I remember in pictures, I don’t know if there is a scientific name to it, I never looked into it, but I remember things in pictures, Example, say I am in a meeting and an important fact was communicated while a colleague of mine poured themselves a glass of water, every time they mention that fact I will always remember it in details as I see the image of water being poured in a glass, I know I am weird. In one sentence I mention 5 different things because I am impatience and I hate small talk, so if you don’t listen then you will not understand me at all, I will wrap up a conversation about a vacation in 2 minutes, in those 120 seconds I already covered accommodation, transport and suggested a date, I know its something I need to work on. I also live with Symmetry OCD, things which are out of alignment bother me, I am trying to kick him out, eventually I will. Now that’s a bit of what is in my head.

What am I leaving out?

Academically, I am a Masters Student, I have a driver’s license, I had covid but I survived.

Talking about Covid, that virus is painful.

I remember walking into the pharmacy, and I looked at the gentleman straight in the eyes and told him “I am dying” I was sweating, the heat was unbearable, my head was spinning, my throat was painful. The gentleman gave me a chair, He knew it was covid, he gave me everything he thought would work and I just couldn’t fight it, I am naturally scared of pain, I hate physical pain with all my heart, I am also dramatic especially when I want attention, I started heavy breathing unnecessarily, you will not believe how much the medication cost, I tell you the pharmaceutical industry is loaded, not only was I now sick, I was shocked at how much I had to pay, anyway, I don’t even wish it upon my enemy.

I Have a scar, on my chest, it used to be very awful until I did reconstructive surgery, I am still reconstructing it, it seems it needed more than 1 procedure, I keep going to the dermatologist, I won’t share much on how I got the scar, just know that I could have reacted way better to avoid the situation from occurring, the person I am now understands that and I have moved on from the scenario as it’s the past and I am working on the present, which is to get rid of this beautiful scar where light used to enter me.

Many have seen the love I have for God; I am deep in love with God, I love my friend, my partner, my confidant, my help, my Jesus, I know He loves me too because He thought I was to die for, I love the holy spirit which prays for me when I don’t have the words to say. I have been broken, I have felt things I don’t know the name of, I have sinned, done things I never thought I would, embarrassed myself, vindicated myself, I have fallen many times, but I can’t explain to you just how much I have been kept in grace, that it hides my shame, and it calls me back home. When you see, my face, know that there is a God, you might now believe in Him but know that in 2011 when I tried to commit suicide and I felt my body shutting down and I was on the floor, I might not know a lot of things but I know that just when I wanted to let go of this life, and I let go of the fight that’s when I felt God and I know that when I was feeling my heart beat fade that’s when I started living, I was given a second chance, I cried like a baby when He told me that He will never let me go, and that’s why I speak the loudest when I am scared to speak, that’s why I walk into places that make me question my worth, Because of Him I have every right to be there, I have every right to see my future with hope, because of Jeremiah 29v11, and I didn’t understand it then. Now when I battle Manic Depression, when I battle insecurities, when the devil tried to lie to me again about the secret battles I am fighting, I look back at him and tell Him that I could have died, took my own life and God said No that means I have so much to give the world because many attempted suicide and they succeeded, they are not here but MERCY SAID NO with me and I am bold because of that, I am bold because I know God has to stand from His throne and stopped my soul from entering gates of hell, I was there, I was dying but He said no. I don’t always get it right, me and God always work on our relationship, I throw temper tantrums and question Him, sometimes I don’t even want to hear form Him because I feel injustice over things I don’t even know even though at the end they all work out for my good but while I go through it, the process makes me feel like I am dying again, BUT IT ALWAYS WORKS TOGETHER FOR MY GOOD. Its not in Gods nature to fail me, I find comfort in that.

There is more to say but let me ask you this, if I write a book will you buy it?

I now do my research in restaurants, my apartment seems to be surrounded with every word I have used before, I am starting to sound like a broken record, writing the same thing over and over again, that’s how I got to the decision of doing this research in public places.

I am not nosey but in every area I visit, be it a restaurant, a cafe, a small place by the corner where they serve coffee hot and popping, there’s always faces that remind me that I am boring, I find myself in their business, I find myself amused by their face.

I went to my favorite coffee shop and the words “Happy Valentines Day” were written and decorated, I had a long day at work, dealing with academic stress which is no joke, walking barefoot as my feet were swollen from the life threatening high heels I had in the office, I sat down and ordered the special for the day, It was T-bone and Chips, I am watching my weight but I also needed a reward, looking at this awful red and white board, decorated with little hearts, written “Valentines Day” I saw just underneath, a couple feeding each other chips, I found it very irritating, hungry as I was, I laughed about how I would bite someone’s fingers off, I am that boring, that I have become my favorite comic and I laugh at my jokes, I live in my head, its like stand up comedy in there, I know all the punchlines and I use them in every situation. Staring at this couple, she looked amazing, hair falling like she just took a shower, I caught myself by the cake shelf made of glass next to me, I looked like I am going through it, biting my nails waiting for my laptop to switch on as I am chasing a deadline, I looked like a character in a horror, I smelled good though and I found that funny, how am this hilariously boring?

There I was hoping this couple could get a room , I just found out that Rihanna is pregnant, to make it worse, a group of students just walked in, How do they stay so energetic? Do they get that on Amazon? Because I want that, Here I am with swollen feet, eating a steak, while my chips get cold focusing on my work, I have mentioned before that I am not nosey right? But I happen to hear them talk about a weekend ahead, the way they had passion planning it, it looked like they were planning a heist, I promise you, they were giving each other a high five, I laughed because me and my bestie just say a few things to each other and we know the day will involve wine, I am so boring my idea of fun is art, museums, nature, braai, a book during the hours I dont work nor study, private locations with people who leave at 12 am because they cant wait to get to the love of their lives waiting, we speak connections now, who knows who and who will talk to who in order to seal the deal, we talk politics with a passion, we buy suits incase we have some event to network and grow business.

I went outside to breathe and I forgot I am not wearing shoes, this gentleman came to me and said “Well those are cute toes” and my answer was embarrassing, I cant flirt no more.

I looked at him dead in the eyes and said “Well, they are cute now because I am watching my weight, they don’t have to carry the weight of the world anymore” I am glad he had a sense of humor because I just exposed myself and work out routine to a stranger, YES, I don’t have pause now, be careful what you ask me, I don’t have the strength to hold back, I say something and I pass, I have Harvard Referencing to get back to.

My planned weekends involve a lot of traveling, driving, meeting different people in all different places, joining conference calls, cruising in nature and discovering new things, I am not club hopping, I am sorry… My ears wont take all that sound, shout out to everyone who does though, you are strong, I am not shooting shots, I cant stand the headache in the morning, I need to run errands, YES, I AM THAT BORING

I am into art and poetry so I find myself often at art galleries, live music shows and book stores, I have friends who have friends who pull strings so I find myself at back yard mini braai, wearing long summer dresses, making salads and listening to “How we met” stories, while we share job opportunities and sell each other things, I just got new couches by the way. On Sunday, We are painting my friends apartment, Sive had mentioned that he wont show up if there is no alcohol and Nathi decided to do a punch so Sive wont be late for his morning meeting, we talk like this now, how boring is that?

To all my boring nerds, there are nerds like you who are waiting to explore your weirdness, you will find them, people who will be on the way at 4 am when you need them because what connects you is something more than weekend plans, you are boring and its okay…you make so much sense and bring balance on this crazy world, you are simply magic, JUST DONT FORGET TO LET DOWN YOU HAIR and cancel some serious plans for a little peace of enjoyment, I know you are used to being busy and on schedule but honey, I have found joy when I stopped taking everything seriously, life is meant to be lived, dont always be careful, dont always watch your back, not everyone wants to betray you, live boo LIVE

Caught up in the intoxicating stars, the night is young and the moon rests on our shoulders, we wear it so well.
almost looks holy, Almost feels like we are heaven sent, may that’s the reason you call me”angel”?

it feels right! familiar to where I have been before, something my soul recognises..

Nights after nights, my spirit has been resting in your aura, I never believe in this bogus yet even magic looks real with you.
All fears disappeared when you performed your trick, as though I compare to the audience for I have been a fan of you from the beginning.

I saw your smile, sharp, beaming like a spell.
Pardon me, forgive my demeanor…you just happen to steal my intelligence, I seem to lose my manners around you.
You get me so mad, no one has ever had this side of me yet, I am awestruck.
If you ever questioned the truth, its in the words you just read.

(I dont even know why I wrote this, Reading it now, I cant even remember why)

I am not about the business of being the one who doesn’t do much, I apologise if I am failing the International Women Association but I am not one who is going to limit the capacity in which I love just to feel safe. No Sir, If I am in love, I dive in, you might not see it on my feed, or see series of pictures being liked, you might not see me posting love songs or checking in somewhere, but best believe that I am creating memories, I am loving moments and I am being babied and I love it. I am not going to be scared even to admit, if they ask me if I love him, I will say yes ad give reasons why even thought they might be deep to phantom but this year I am not holding back.

People will make you feel bad for loving someone and they tell you to focus on your dreams and dedicate your time in your future and all that is amazing, but did you know…

Did you know you can fall in love and still be successful? shocking right, weird because people always make it look like failure is the reason behind being in love but the truth is, the right person will always push you towards your dreams, by yourself you can run far but the right person you will go further, its not a bad thing to fall in love.

Also, I am not the one who is going to let past experiences control my happiness, they all happened, over it, living on it because I deserve to, Some people are still stuck on what they ex said or did 10 years ago, the very same ex who is married now with a happy family and now you are angry and bitter, everyone is paying for mistakes they never did, how sad that you should torture yourself so much over something that you never meant to happen, here you are blocking any possibility of love happening because for you have been hurt so much is easier to believe that genuine love will never be where you are, stop doing that to yourself.

What you are about to feel is going to be proof that you are an amazing person who deserves the best, its going to be feelings you have heard people talk about and you never thought were real, you are going to have random smiles and giggle in your sleep, you are going to want to go all out, you are not going to be obsessive, this is the kind of love that wont drive you crazy, you will not feel the wrath of umjolo, you will just hear about how brutal it is, you will never experience it because you have a good heart and finally your prayers are answered, you deserve that, that is what you are going to have just open your heart to it.

I know you have flaws, I know that last relationship had you questioning your worth, I know you messed up a lot of times so much you wondered if you are engineered for love. Maybe sometimes you feel like there is no one else out there for you and if you feel that then okay, for that period work on loving yourself, do more of what you love, don’t force anything, don’t get into relations because you want to forget about someone else, build up hurt can turn you in a villain, allow love in.

not obsessive but I love the company of someone I fall in love with, their walk, their tone, their mind just all of them will send goose bumps to my spine, I want to know what is in their mind, like Joe, I want to know what makes them cry, I want to know their fears and I want to be there, those are my love languages and I am not limiting them because I tried before and I failed or someone else failed and now they are projecting their fears in me, excuse me, I am not listening, I am not claiming that hurt, I already have scars from the past, I am past cutting myself more.

2022, you might be gone sooner than you think, make memories

2022, you might live more than you thought you would, make momories

2021, you survived death so many time now in 2022 remember that life is a gift and do more of what you love, if anything be with who you really love unless they are toxic and they are narcistic then put your heart aside and listen to your head, its very smart.

I get people asking me about the things I post here, if its what I am going through or went through, most of them are related to me but others is just the truth I needed to hear and so I pass it down to people I love (YOU) and who will not only read but relate, therefore me writing about love could be just an awakening, the truth or my current reality, could be anything, curiosity to the reasons behind this insert will always lead one to wrong answers or jumping into wrong conclusions.

just read and self introspect.

NB: Unedited