Happy New Year, I have already said much on the New Year Video I posted on my social media (Please do follow me on all my socials), if I say more, I will start sounding like a broken record, repeating words over and over again.

Have you ever loved someone and lost them because of what people said? the regret you feel? the questions you asked yourself about what could have happened if you just focused on the person and forget about what people say or think? have you felt that “Wow, I really messed up on this one” feeling?

Please don’t let your 2022 be governed by people, pride and uncalculated decisions, stop making mistakes which are influenced by people and that end up costing you, what I am saying in simpler yet rude term is …DO YOU BOO BOO by all means. sure mistakes are what helps us grow, we find ourselves in the middle of war at times and we don’t know how to act or who to be, that perfectly fine, what’s life without learning away? but don’t let another minute go to waste living a lie.

Come out of the closet, go back to school, start that business, go on and let that person know how you feel, think long and hard before quitting your job, very hard and then do it. want success, crave success, want love, be open for love, want healing, be ready to forgive, whatever it is that you have to do to, go ahead because when you die, no one is going with you to the grave, not even the people you so wanted to impress so much that you hurt the ones who could have took a bullet for you.

I just chopped my hair and I see why women should have hair every time I look in the mirror, I see how I still need to grow into my head but this decisions feels so good, it was a mistake I was willing to make, because no one influenced it and yes, my mom and aunt figured I should not cut it but IAM A GROWN WOMAN and I make my own choice, feels good to say no, especially if that “No” is said to liberate me or how I feel.

HAPPY NEW YEAR and I LOVE YOU…YOU WHO IS READING HERE.

lets have an amazing 2022, I wish nothing but amazingness this year

NB: This insert is unedited

I am convinced that the street are not only unsafe but they are also entitled.

My sister and I got mugged, they took our phones, her money, my airpods and of course her house key because they “Sound like money”

However, I am blessed to have strangers who have offered multiple help, others just surprised me, from counseling to buying me a gun, the offer was a bit funny but it came from a good place.

I guess there is still some humanity left in this world.

Thank you

Before I dive into it, I want to thank everyone, who made this year an amazing one for me, the support, comments, likes, reading this right now, every compliment, every criticism, thank you for giving me the opportunity to live, grow and to discover myself more. Through out the 2021 journey you held me up, continued watching me evolve and supported everything I did, Thank you.

I TOOK SOME TIME OFF.

A friend asked me” Do you still write?” and I told them “I am currently trying to find balance; a lot is happening around me and I don’t want to put it on my blog and install certain feelings on my readers” what did I mean by that?

Since October I had a goal that by December I would have done a few things right, go to therapy, attend events, love, be officially permitted to drive on the South African roads and also focus on my health and spirituality (and many more), during this period I was in and out of place, not in a bad way but in a sense that I had so much work to do within myself that everyone’s business became irrelevant.

But listen to this.

I became so much in myself that I stopped trying to fix or heal other people, I realised that the need to want to heal other people came from parts of me that needed healing and because the wounds were so deep, some so old, maybe I was not ready, and I camouflaged into being a healer instead. I needed to dig and accept the toxicity of my past that created the impulsive urge to impress everyone, I had to look at the truth dead in the eyes and call a spade exactly what it is…. a spade and that is not easy. One time I cried for the whole week and that’s when I realised that I am going about it the wrong way, I am doing this to judge myself rather than embrace my choices and who I had to be even if she was an ugly person, evil with a villain laughter, I had to love her still and tame her, that little beast needed to relax, tell her to behave and take a seat because the better me is taking over now, the me who breathes before snapping.

Thank God for who I had to be, for where I was, for the pain, the psychotic phase I went through, the “crazy girl with a big forehead” moments I experienced because they showed me exactly who I shouldn’t be and in return, the right people stepped in, who chose me in every form, in every way and they made me believe in myself so much that the therapy, the healing was worth it. When you let go of certain things, could be painful memories, hurt, pain, shame, you allow good things to flow in your life, I attest to that.

I remember rushing in between work, school and driving, I found myself hungry at the office at 07:00 pm, I almost cried again then realised I have already cried for the whole week, it’s enough now that’s when I got a call, and I was reminded again why I am doing everything I am doing and how its okay not to be okay. I walked out the office with my head held high, shoulders broad, hungry, very hungry in fact but I was a hungry girl with some powers, striving for distinctions and success.

Rest assured this post is not about me, it’s about the people who held my hands up in battle, the characters you never hear about, I won’t mention all of them and I won’t use their real names, but I am loved, my circle is small, very small but their hearts are so big,

Like a gentleman I know, Let’s call him “Divine”, who loves to smile. I love how he tells me “Thando, breathe” every time I call him, and he understands my hustle and never allowed it to be a reason to detach. I am more me and I am not afraid to mess up around him, never has there been a day where I felt too much, I just realised that I am his headache but he still finds me worthy of his time and patience, Thank you Divine.

Then my girl, the marketing specialist, let’s call her “Poppy” my go to girl, the one who helps me make reckless decisions, I often find myself in trouble with this one, ALWAYS, she is my headache but she also takes me out of trouble. I cause trouble people, I am a problem sometimes, I mess things up, I am a lot sometimes, but she handles me well, we fight but I wouldn’t trade her for the world. Thank you, Poppy.

Let me introduce you to the radio DJ, a great sensation, I call him “Megahit” on many occasions he has physically been my help. No matter the hour of the day or night, he is there and he handles chaos like a boss, if I had to go to war, I will pick him over a thousand soldiers. Its important to mention that I have mad love for him though I think he doesn’t know, because we both have tough and dominating characters, we don’t pass around words like “I love you” if you are reading this Megahit, thank you

Then we have my sales phenomenal, lets call him “Eskimo” because he will literally make you buy something you don’t want, this one is my biggest critic and my biggest fan, he helped me drive and he was brave enough to introduce me to traffic and take me back and forth when I was looking for an apartment. Kea leboha Eskimo.

Please, love and welcome my biggest spiritual advisor, he is a Poet, I call this one “The voice” we had plans to go live on social media influencing and having talks that build, It didn’t happen but it will come to pass. Thank you for being my spiritual advisor, one of the most humble people, the most alert in the spirit person that I have met. Thank you for your love son of a Prophet, The Voice, I will call him.

I am not going to mention my family, they have been amazing and thank you.

I did everything I said I would do, not for people but for me, I build the broken pieces in me, I am still picking them up, some are sharp, and they cut my hands, I am still trying to smooth them up, make the edges more appealing, and swallow my pride.

I did everything I said I would do, I fixed the voices in my head and made them beautiful like me, sometimes when they whisper like ghosts and they bring up the dead, I have a team of ghost busters who I call, they kiss my forehead, they hold my hand, they revive my magic, they pull me close, they whisper in my ears “let go of the fear, I am here” and I unfold, I gather the courage to fight, I feel like I belong, yes I am strong but I am also human, my heart breaks, my soul shakes, insecurities take the best of me, sometimes I feel useless but they call me a home, a safe place. Even with the dark parts of me, when I am the Joker and everything bad about the world, they want to know what I think like its a big deal.

Thank you for the joy, for keeping me sane.

Can you believe that I can be a big baby? Me? YES. Divine helps me be a big baby, he will sometimes say “Thando just say it, you just want me to baby you” he said I defeated him the day I shouted “BUT I DONT WANT TO” when he asked me to calm down when I overreacted on my driving test, but we still vibe.

Can you believe that I can be a savage? ask Megahit… the things he will tell you are out of this world, one time he asked me “Are you sure that you are shy and an introvert because wow…” the truth is I am not sure but I know this, when I am around you, I know I am safe to step out of my roles and responsibilities, to walk away from the corporate mentality, wear anything besides black and dance, I am who I never dared to be…

I am a nerd and I love stand up comedy, I also love murder documentaries, my idea for a pet was a rock until I discovered my love for cats, I am a big Marvel fan and I think Doctor Strange is the strongest Avenger, I am sapiosexual and I have this weird theory that aliens exist but not even a day have I felt misunderstood or a need to change, I love it here.

I learned that there is nothing wrong in asking for attention or some tenderness, to enjoy music when I am having a had day, just take a break. I can’t believe I am at a point where I can cry without taking to mind how I look, and someone holds me tight, I am never without comfort. I can’t believe I can be my weakest and not be ashamed, I can’t believe I can be my worst and still be chosen, I can’t believe I don’t have to fight for my spot in anyone’s heart, they place me there intentionally.

There are a lot of people who played a huge part in making me who I am, from my driving instructor to the security guard at my apartment who sees me when I am tired and always tells me “Rato otloba sharp” to every comment and reply I get, thank you.

Here’s to 2021, thank you for bringing the greatest love, healing, achievements to my door.

Here’s to 2022,  my love, I feel like you are about to be the beginning of the most greatest things and feelings in my life and I receive you with grace, you and many more years to come, it wont stop.

Happy Festive season everyone, I have nothing but mad love for you

I heard all the things you said and the truth you forgot to mention to your friends

I know the truth has never been what you learned to speak, but I thought you wanted my silence, since you always asked for it.

I thought you wanted happiness, that’s why I served it to you, A five course meal with all the freedom you requested.

Is not enough, is it? You are used to taking from me and it has never been enough for you, no matter how fulfilling it was now here you are, with my name in your mouth and theories you have gathered that makes you the victim and I support you, if it makes you feel better, preach about me, have sermons and spread the word, I hope one day you will believe it enough to set me free.

I never mention how self-centered you are, never have I ever said anything about….

Let me stop there, I am bigger than that.

I admit I was young and naïve, didn’t see my worth, that’s why I begged and cried

I admit all the women in me are crazy and being a cusp is not easy, a little psycho

I admit I didn’t know a thing, blinded in sight, I couldn’t see the biggest details

And I hated myself for it, I hated how stupid I became

But never have I hated what I felt, unlike you it was real, from a good place and that’s why I kept my peace, I kept the details to everything to myself, every fight, every incident that broke my heart, I dealt with it and never dragged your name, never, not even to my dermatologist.

I knew you were a lot of things, I never imagined a gossip column journalist

But I am not surprised, hiding things was your specialty, a talent, a gift

I don’t blame you, its easier putting the blame on everyone else to avoid the shame

Only the strong will take it, only the wise, its not for everyone, this “owning up” game is for men.

Be happy, happy enough to forget my name, I did the same

Know , every story has two sides and I will never tell mine, I wont shine in your shine

I am giving you the limelight, let the sympathy you get from my name make you feel good.

God knows you need it more than I do.

may your gossip column sell

22 November is my birthday.

I feel a turn around, I feel a praise in my spirit, I feel like the Lord is about to show off, I feel like the Lord is about to elevate His children, I feel a wave of blessing upon those who believe, I know the devil is listening and I know he comes to steal and destroy but I protect this is, the devil will not touch this declaration, the Lord is raising a standard

Congratulations children of God, it is done

Have I bragged about the love surrounding me lately?

Have you seen how I glow lately? I will bless you with my recent picture just to have a glance of how my skin is changing and its not because I am drinking my water, minding my business or sweating all that toxic out through 20 minutes cardio workouts.

Its love HONEYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!

Whatever kind love you think it might be, you’re right, its setting me free and its allowing me to be myself. 2 nights ago someone laughed about how dramatic I am, for the first time I laughed above my lungs because only in a week I have heard that I am dramatic for 2 days in a row but the main reason is that finally there are people, a circle of friends who have accepted my weird, nerdy, full of drama, down to earth, shy yet extroverted, lover of things and hater of pain self and it feels amazing. I am making amazing mistakes, like being vulnerable and eating out, I am making mistakes I never thought I would, like watching a movie during the week, taking longer walks, driving on the most busy roads, laughing at my pain and buying jewelry, I never did this, I am using online shopping, Do you know how wonderful it is not to go shop to shop looking for one dress? I am happy that I am letting loose and its only because people around me are allowing me to be more, they challenge me to step outside my comfort zone.

And oooh, why didn’t anyone tell me about the power of morning texts? those texts have a way of making me want to be a better person, those texts are anointed with the kind of grace that makes me get to work early, drive in the busy city traffic to the other side just to get myself Mcdonalds watermelon fizz, go home and study then work out.

No one mentioned that you may be a strong beautiful woman, with ambition and talent but occasionally you need to be called “beautiful” just for an emotional boost, I have been emotionally lifted, my name is now “Beautiful” call me by that name and blame the people around me for that, they have been an emotional drug.

I thank God that I finally decided to open up and give people a chance, its been great

I feel rejuvenated, no one has ever judged me or questioned my choices, I am surrounded by people who put me on my place and correct me when I am wrong but they also trust my judgement and when my choices lead me to danger zones, I have my people waiting to pull me out, I love yal.

One night I decided to drown my anxiety with a few glasses of wine, they turned into an entire bottle and for some reason my intoxicated mind thought it would be fun to make videos as I listen to music, then another bright idea came through that I should post these, AND I DID, early in the morning I got a call and all I could hear was “Girl you better remove those” not even a “Hello” or “Are you calm now?” then I got a loving lecture on the importance of switching my phone off when I have one of those nights.

I AM PREACHING LOVE NOW

I am back to let you know that there is love, in any kind of way, cold be friendship or relationship, whatever, whatever it may be, its there as much as we have BROKEN WATCH inserts about hurt and pain, we also have “I love it here” insets (coming soon) to let us into the wonders of being love right, we need those kind of stories.

Hi, I am Lerato Nondeyi, My close friends call me Thando, my colleagues call me Pretty (my second name) my vibe calls me Lee. I am a weird big ball of amazing weirdness and craziness but I am loved anyway….

and I love it here

 Why do you deny yourself heaven? Why do you consider yourself undeserving? Why are you afraid of love? You think it’s not possible for someone like you. But you are the love of my life. You are the love of my life. You are the love of my life. 

Warsan Shire

Yes it’s broken. I’m not a Watchmaker but I will fix it. It might get a few scratches as I figure out how to open it and change the battery. I can afford a new one but is has been the measure of time and times, when time flew and when it stood still, I relied on this now-broken watch. It’s the sentimental value I have decided to attach to this watch that compels me to say, “I am fixing this watch”. Not to continue to use it as a measure of intervals, times, periods, sessions, seasons or moments. This WATCH is mine but TIME belongs to God. The Watch…..my Love. 

B

Reporting live, 2 am and I have an early morning meeting but I have been MIA for a little while, its starting to haunt me because I love it here.

A lot, plenty, more has been happening and boy do I have all the juice, with just my birthday around the corner, I am glad to say that this has been a year that introduced me to my superpowers, I didnt know I could eat while I walk, I knew I had it in me but I never tested the theory until I had to balance life. the other superpower lies in my chest, I have a big heart, I met it a couple of times, its a brave organ I carry and for some reason its not exhausted like I am, the organ is at the right place, it actually still does feel.

Went from surgery to driving longer distances, to perfecting my academics (this is a struggle I am yet to testify about) starting a business and making women decisions and those are hard to make, I am not referring to choosing which outfit to wear or heels that goes with my bag, I am more on the emotional and mental life changing decisions.

One being able to let go when I feel overwhelmed, I am not 15 anymore, this “Fighting every battle” mentality is not good for my health, I dont want a mini stroke so I just let people say what they say, do what they do, I just want to get to my place, drink my lemon and herbs while I have a few conversations about everything with people that actually are for me, its been a joy.

My other superpower is being able to love the woman I am becoming, she is very calm this one, she is healed, she is thick, she is beautiful and lately, the walls have been breaking, very honest, left the baggage in the past where it belong, the weight is lighter now and so are the people helping me carry it.

of course life happens, the other day I caught myself crying, on the floor, kneeling in the office, wondering how in the world will certain doors open and then I remembered who I was, before that my hands hurt from pressing against gravity, my tears hit the ground and with every drop I felt liberated, more human, I cant remember the last time I allowed myself to be human, be real and not control this emotions driving me insane, I felt everything, the pain, the anxiety, the defeat but I am my grandmothers daughter, I traded the sorrow for rejoicing, its a hard art to master, turning toxic waste into a garden.

I see you.

I see every broken watch entry there is, of people from different places, dealing with hurt, dealing with regrets, trying to forgive themselves while they fix their mistakes, its never easy but look at you doing it everyday, in depression and loss but look at what your strong soul is breaking, years or months of betrayal and never have you returned the same treatment, you are strong love.

I see you.

and the tears you cry behind closed doors, I see you coming back to try again, you inspire and speak life, though words sometimes cant escape your mouth, you speak to the dry bones till flesh grows on them and they stand into an army.

I see you trying to trust, heal your inner child, go through the failure, starting over, raising a child alone, searching for love, accepting love, the smile after the storm…I see it too, because you and I are human and we need to learn to be safe place to ourselves too like we have been a home to many.

BE KIND TO YOURSELF, LIVE PLEASE LIVE

when you get a chance, LOVE

#Unedited

from Anonymous

You will miss me now that I am gone, I took my time and you took everything, you never gave, you were never wrong.

I know there’s a few things I did wrong but I gave everything I had and even though at times it wasn’t enough BUT IT WAS ALL I HAD.

You will miss me, every small detail will count when you realise you had a good thing.

But time will heal me, you son is 5 months