I received this one from anonymous

I am a man and my watch is broken too, I watched time freeze and I thought we would catch up, we never did. I heard men don’t cry but I cried like a kid, She cheated, hurt me, lied but I ended up being the one who begs her to stay, I should have loved myself enough.

Now I am stuck on time, I am stuck on memories which I hate myself for, I wish I could erase, I wish to get hypnotized, I wish I never gave us a try, I wish I never spoke to her when I thought its love at first sight.

I think Karma has finally found my address, I have hurt many women before, just when I think I found the one she turned out to be a lesson learned, I have no desires anymore to try again.

Men cry, men hurt and men love, forget about a broken watch, I am a broken man.

send yours to prettynondeyi@gmail.com if you have a story to tell

I had surgery a few days ago, its something I should have done a long time ago, its something that has been holding me back, now when I went under the knife, my heart knew it was the last step in defeating the past. I felt every inject, the same feeling I had 2 years ago when I had stitches but this time it was slightly different, this time it came from a good place.

My Dermatologist, Dr Jacobs was amazingly calm and in control, his focus made me feel safe, my best friend was in the parking lot braiding her hair and I knew she was thinking the worst might happen but she pretended to be okay till I made it out of the ER. yes, I had to go to the ER because of a bleeding problem, though I couldn’t feel the pain, I heard and saw everything, my skin tearing apart, the cut, the blood, the sound my skin made as the knife went through it, everytime the knife touched my flesh, everything that happened, everything thing leading to that moment, I LET GO, not that I was holding on to it but finally the last piece had to be removed, both physically and emotionally.

NOW, I know there are billions of people on the surface of the earth and maybe everyone is going through their share of changes, confusion and bliss but I am thankful for holding on, lately I have been struggling to find balance, I have been involved in many things, talks, career wise, academically and I have been struggling to find time, time for myself, time to breathe yet, I am thankful that I am me.

When we tell you on videos that you should invest in yourself, heal and be alive, we never really tell you the work you actually have to put in and its a lot, sometimes you wake up and wonder if you are still on the right road, if you are doing the right thing, you lose people, you realise your toxicity and it will hurt, I just want to thank me for the heart I have, for the times I could have given in but I wanted to better so I kept fighting.

I want to thank me for listening when God told me to change, when He said No and I took it as it was without question, for allowing loss, for allowing myself to grief without shame, for never pretending to be okay, for breaking walls IN MY OWN PACE, for giving love and happiness a chance, for choosing to keep myself sane no matter the times I could have lost my mind.

I am a lot of things, maybe I have been a bad person in many stories and I take the full blame, I take whatever you might have heard, good or bad, Its okay, I have also wasted time proving my innocence or defending my name but I thank God that I have overcame the need to be accepted, loved or appreciated. I thank me, Lerato for holding the meaning to my name, showing love every kind of way, yes I have also lost on love, yes I could have done better and maybe I could have given the right people a chance and I fumbled the opportunity, however I have never lost what was meant for me and I am so happy that I have pushed myself to a point of believing in everything I have and knowing better is coming.

People see pictures, quotes, motivational posts and they think thats all there is, thats not true..there is an actual person behind it all and she hurts, she gets tired, she gets discouraged but the trick is not staying in anything negative for long and I thank myself for not allowing anything to keep me down, yes I have days where I need to take a step back and then days where pushing hurts me back, I have learned to accept both forces and know that I am doing my best and the rest will follow.

Yes I am stubborn, I am also gentle and kind, I am weird and goofy, I am also a nerd with a little bit of style, I love the colour black but I also love flowers, I am a work in progress and I love who I am becoming, flaws and all, it happened only because I accepted who I am and I got rid of what the world taught me to be, finally its all me and she feels amazing.

This is for not giving up on yourself when everyone else did, this is for the times you listened to God and did what He knew would benefit you and it did, this is for the time you cried and still showed up. This is for all the things you lost but still made your way back…be proud of who you are

This is a heavy night, nothing about us feels right, nothing between us but pride.
I am beginning to lose my mind, I feel like I have lost the will to fight. what’s worse I don’t even remember how we got here.
This cold, dark place where your tears no longer touch my soul, nothing you do can revive us, nothing I say will calm the storm.

We should have known not to push each other that hard, we should have stopped the first time it stated to hurt, the day it was no longer fun and games, the day happy moments only existed in memories.
You and I together feels like another battle I need to win and I don’t care about victories anymore…
YOU WON, I AM OFF OF YOU.

Broken Watch series is not about me.

A lot of people have been reading the broken watch and I have had questions where people ask if this is about me, its not.

Broken Watch is about redemption and restoration from a painful relationship, I am mixing emotions and stories I have heard of women around me regarding a toxic relationship.

The purpose of these series is to make women and men aware that getting out of a toxic relationship is hard, don’t beat yourself up but eventually you will and hopefully before you lose your life.

I haven’t planned out how these series would go, lately I have a lot on my plate and I haven’t had the time to outline this but that’s the beauty of it, the fact that I would think of a story someone told me at 1 am and start writing about it.

Broken watch series are not poetry, maybe the format looks poetic, maybe there is a flow or rhyming but its not even about being a poet, or a writer, about grammar or even creativity, this is for every woman or man who found themselves fighting to leave who they loved, we all have that story, while some of us it’s a story we would rather keep private, others share to heal, either way you are deserving of redemption from that horrific past and restoration.

WHEN A WATCH IS BROKEN, TIME STOPS and that’s what happens when you are with someone you shouldn’t be with, your time is stolen, the same happens when you hurt the one you love, you wish you could turn back time, these Broken Watch series don’t point out the wrong, they teach you to be kinder with yourself, knowing you are not alone and that you can love that much, that deep and that’s nothing to be ashamed of.

I hope we read these inserts with an open heart, no intend to try and figure out if its my story or not…while we are at it, if you have been hurt, if you had to pull yourself out of any toxicity and you wouldn’t mind that story being, email me (prettynondeyi@gmail.com) and I will write about it, of course not exactly how you narrate it to me, but you were once broken and you overcame, let me write it down for you and let it go

The walls are closing in, words are fading into thin air.

I wish someone could have warned me “the love you see on movies is not real”

I had high expectations, never left any room for imperfections, my mistake

Reckless love, it feels like a dream, an addiction

Even when I am breaking, I want more of that toxicity

I think about where it began, that crazy adrenalin running in my veins, the kind of love we have seen on the  big screen, the “Mr and Mrs Smith” love,  the “Crazy in love” that Beyonce and Jay sing about, I wont lie it had me intoxicated, the kind where I don’t ever want to be sober, I knew it was dangerous, surreal but it had become an addiction, it had become our coping mechanism, the more we indulged in it, the more we lost our identity.

We lost our minds too, somewhere along the line one of us took the other for granted, one of us thought they can do better, the grass is greener on the other side and they jumped in.

“Better the devil you know than the devil you don’t know” and maybe that’s how we always found a way to each other, but I got tired living in hell, I got tired of fighting a different devil in a different level, I became the devil himself, smoke coming out of my ears every time you do the same thing that hurts, this is not the me I know, look what this reckless love made of me.

And what do we do with these broken pieces now?

Staring at each other eye to eye but we don’t recognize who we are

Who we have become, the paralysing words that escape out mouths, no remorse, no hesitation.

Hurting me and I return the blow, the silence that follows is loud as the echoes from war.

This is what we bring out of each other, this is who we have become, we broke us.

I bring up the past, suddenly time stands still when you realise, I didn’t let it pass

You hit the wall in response,  I feel it shake, you ask why I make you this way? Why I never let it go

I am amazed at how you don’t feel the pain, I am amazed at how you can become this way, is this my fault?

Neither one of us is walking out because we don’t want to be with anyone else

But what do I do with these memories?  How do I undo what I have done when you broke me first?

It feels so heavy in your vicinity, I feel like I am losing my dignity

This forgiveness has become the death of me, this is not how love should feel

First and foremost, I apologise that my colleagues have to see me in this state today.

Second of all, why is it that when I show up in sneakers, jeans and tshirt, EVERYONE IS WEARING A BLAZER?

I am not expecting life to be fair but imagine walking into a meeting like you are ready to walk out, thats the impression I gave this morning, even though my thoughts are sharp, I managed to do the most in just an hour but I look like I dont want to be here.

Why am I late? you ask, well… I have been sleeping late but not last night, you would say I would be early but No, the night I slept on time resulted in me waking up late, it was almost like my dreams lured me into this punctuality shame, for some reason I was having a time of my life, I was having a blast and I didn’t want it to end, I wasn’t ready for reality so when the alarm rang, I switched it off like it was insulting me, when it went on again after 10 minutes, I felt like it was undermining my authority, now thats when I switched my phone off, BAD BAD MOVE, why did I do that? granted, I am tired but WHY? Thank God my bestie/Sister came to my apartment (Talking about a life saviour) I could have /

It was never about you, from the beginning you were great, kind, calm, gentle, challenging. Nothing you lacked, talent running in your veins like the river does to dry places, The God that lingered in you spoke before you enter the room and that’s how you stole it, every stare facing your direction, curiosity and jealousy invading the thoughts of men who envied you, you were never the problem, I was.

Maybe half of my heart never believed someone like you, who is not broken, who does not need patience and is better by themselves will feel half of what I felt ages ago but this time entirely for me, all for me…it felt unreal, it felt preposterous, almost like a joke.

Maybe I don’t know my own strength

-L.N

I thank God you haven’t acted upon the voices in your head, I thank God you haven’t went for vengeance, that there is still self control, the ability to hold back your anger and act right because if you were not strong enough to discipline the wars that rage in your soul, the violence that sneaks in when you have been weakened, YOU COULD DO DAMAGE .

I thank God that you are trying, you still have the courage to cry, that you haven’t silenced the ability to feel, once you reach a point where these storms have been carrying you, You could do damage.

There is so much you feel, a lot that was created inside of you, a lot that was said that was not true and you heard it, it broke you, almost changed you.

The love you purely gave that was never returned to you, the shame you felt too, I thank God you never allowed it to change you.

You had every right to change, to act out of character, to break, to be devil for the hell they made you go through.

You could have done so much damage.

You chose to be better, thank you for trying again today.

To the man who wakes up in the morning with a plan, sometimes it doesnt go your way, sometimes your own mind feels like a foreign land, you wonder if you are on the right direction, or if you’re moving at all yet you never let the fall slow you down, rising from the durst you elevate, with your head held up high, you dominate, you carry it all, heavy as it is.

And even though the past holds trauma, memories you cant explain of shadows stealing your peace away, you never let the fear transform you into what you escaped, you become better everyday, you’ve surpassed expectations.

A great man, a good friend who comes through with no demands, no pressure, no judgment, just your beautiful soul.

you are gentle in pointing out the wrongs, very patient in making them right, no you don’t delegate, you don’t put pride on your head, you apologize when you have done wrong and that makes me respect you even more.

You feel like a home when the world is cold, when volcanos erupt and the earth shakes, you are a force field, no rocks can shake us

you have a past, scars and bruises to your heart, still you give love a chance, you don’t question it, you don’t sabotage it, you accept it because you know you’re deserving and so worthy of affection in its best and purest form and by virtue of that her heart freely surrenders to you, it feels like a new dawn, like sunset to all the disappoints, you bring the sun kisses to mend her broken soul and turn her sadness into a garden of flowers, you restore her.

you are a beast in the streets, walking down like royalty, even when they have broken you, embarrass you, you walk through the chaos, walk through the gossip, the traps, the betrayal like the king you are.

You’re not afraid to speak when it hurts, you down drown in your own sorrow, you involve the ones who carry your arms, until your muscles are strong enough to carry you weapons.

There has always been light in your eyes, a sense of hope, shelter, power maybe because you’re fragile yet strong, maybe because you have felt pain. its in the way you hold my hands when I tremble in fear, its in the way your voice echoes through my doubts and breaks the walls of my insecurities that I know that nations will bow down to your God, that many will tell of your victories like legends, for no man will be able to do what you do, you never play the victim, hypocrites envy you, your very move brings shame to their existence.