It was at 3 a.m. when it started again, the guilt trip, the constant reminders of things I have done wrong, I am not immune, I too show symptoms of depression and anxiety somedays, I have made a few wrong choices in pursuit of attention and affection. In my lamest hour the ghost of the past pay me a visit, they love to poke me where it hurts, down memory lane where they remind me of a time I had to be someone else just to survive, they mock me, I play along, when I am walking down the streets or running errands, the voices will remind me of what I am healing from, sometimes you have to heal the same wound a couple of times and that’s how deep the cut was, they ask me questions I dare not to answer because every time I do, I break again.

I am breaking again but this time its by my own hands, I am breaking the habits I picked up from the toxicity of forcing things, who I thought I should be so I may look more desirable or worthy, I am breaking the spirit of resistance which was born from my own thoughts that before anything good happens, there has to be a struggle, the lies I took from peoples mouths which I fed them to myself, that happiness is in the next best thing and is never where I am, happiness is in me even in my darkest moments, like the voices, it speaks, silently with authority, I know this because I woke up this morning even after wondering if death will be easier, if an escape is better.

Last night I laughed like a villain, reminiscing on times I was bad in someone’s story, when I went a little crazy, like The Joker, maybe those are the side effects of being treated like a clown because you always have a smile on your face, I laughed because I was never the punchline, I was the comic, laughing when everything has been washed away in tank full of chemicals, like the Joker, I dived in, known to give my all And jumping in harder than I should, with no thoughts or questions, after all a villain is just a victim whose story hasn’t been told, so I wrote mine in between the lines until I realised, I feel a lot more better when I have nothing to defend, I broke again, the need of trying to prove myself so people may understand what made me the way I am, or who I am not YET.

Spend so much time trying to save souls that broke mine until I did the honors of saving them the hard work and break myself instead, from the prison of thinking that people will treat you right if you treat them right, you can take care of a bird because its wings are broken but when they heal, it will fly and you will never see it again, it was never yours to begin with, it only needed you for the healing, the same with people, if you helped them heal, and they came into your life limping, they can walk out when they are whole, they can fly away and leave because its their broken version that loved you and that period is over, I broke the fantasy of believing that if you are there for them, they will remember or stay so I let down the constant need of being needed, that maybe choosing people shouldn’t be about who they are at their worst to fill your own void but really, choose people who are good by themselves but better with you.

I am breaking again, over and over again. I AM BREAKING

I am breaking the feeling of questioning love yet accepting that pain is possible, I am breaking the spirit of stagnation, no one will leave and come back to find me in the same position, being the same person, I am accepting the fact that I evolve and I am not fighting change, in me or around me. I am breaking the shell, I will not grow from within myself, I am stepping outside walls I have built, because the very same walls are not only blocking the possibilities of being hurt, they are also blocking possibilities of happiness.

I am breaking the characters I picked up when I wanted to be chosen, when I wanted to feel protected and safe, when I wanted to feel better.

Breaking isn’t so bad after all.

May you break.

if its a break up that you need, break up and go back to yourself.

if its a break you need, go out and exhale.

whatever it is, just don’t remain the same.

Lately you have been in my prayers.I’ve been thinking about all the things I have to be, the things you will need from me. I have been thinking about my toxicity, the mistakes I have made that brought me here. Thats the reason I am on my knees, pleading to be a better me. I take pride in who I have become, believe me I searched for her in the deepest fire. Walked through hell and went to the deepest waters to save her, to save me. Please understand this, please know the truth, I have a few wrongs on my lists, a few mistakes I wish I could erase, in all honesty I have been clearing my ways. A man like you deserves peace, on God I want my soul to be calm like the seas and leave the storms in the past, let that ship sink. I know you’re an amazing man, the devil has been preaching in my ears about how every male is the same but I tell him “not you”It makes me look stupid sometimes, especially in a world that has turned pain into luxury, that has turned heartbreaks into a trend, if I could heal, if I could believe then in my heart of hearts, I KNOW YOU ARE REAL.

A million wrongs, a million reasons to believe love doesn’t exist. I have seen the worst glorified and women vowing never to commit. I have had my share of rachetness, serving Savage love, I have turned bad girl on several occasions, spitting lies, making empty promises, a million wrongs leading me to Christ, a million wrongs leading to my miracle, a million wrongs leading to my redemption…the only place I could stand to be deserving of you. A place of deliverance, a place close to where you will find me.

I am for you love.

I have been crying, feeling pressure the whole week.

I want to be honest on this blog, Its easier for me to write down instead of expressing my feelings. However I vow to be honest here, its scary because you will get to know me, you will get to see me without the walls I have built and thats scary to me.

However, Yesterday I cried again, I couldnt hold my tears, I promise you I tried to be strong, hold it in, be on top of the world but I was fading. This week I have been under pressure trying to beat time in securing a place, an apartment, then there’s another priority, meeting with the reviewers at work then moving from the apartment we have.

what made me cry yesterday? you may ask.

I just viewed the most amazing apartment, now there is a catch, this one in particular was expensive and now I had to decide if I continue with the search or just accept this rate, Honestly, I AM TIRED OF SEARCHING, I am done, so the best thing was, Call someone you trust.

I stood in the middle of a busy street, calling him and when he picked up, I started unwinding, venting out but you see, he couldn’t reply because he is still at work, then I shifted, I called my best friend, who couldnt answer because she was asleep, I called my other friend and he was as confused as I was, we couldnt come to a conclusion, I called my mother who told me straight up that the place is expensive so I should just drop it.

I hanged up, I was wearing high heels and I forgot to take my flats, it was cold and my tiny toes were freezing, this ladies and gentleman was the moment my hormones were waiting for, I could feel the count down happening, every woman in me was ready, WE CRIED, we all cried, I however was the only one who looked the fool in public, not frustration, or anxiety, or guilt but me.

A gentleman approached me and asked what was wrong, I told him I was hungry and cold, he stood there for a moment looking at my now rearranged face, He did the best thing a stranger could do, gave me a hug and I let loose, I took the kind gesture as an opportunity to take everything out, I cried like a baby.

After I stopped embarrassing myself, the kind gentleman asked if I cant still walk in those heels or should we go buy flats, I said I WAS COMFORTABLE, I tell you, its not easy being independent, I got home and my feet hated me.

I cried some more, woke up this money and my big eyes looked puffy, I had eye bags and for the first time in 9 months, I applied concealer and powder, I managed to ruin my skin route “No foundation or concealer n my skin”

ITS OKAY NOT TO BE OKAY, its okay to feel defeated even for a little while, its okay to feel and its okay to cry, I never thought I would cry in public like that but sometimes holding things in can be the exact thing defeating you, let things go, you cant carry the load and still bottle emotions in.

You are entitled to break apart once in a while and you will be surprise the people God will sent to put you back together, strangers who will heal you.

Never in my life have I felt so much pressure

To be honest, nothing has ever hit me quite this low, nothing ever in the history of my existence. I am currently in a middle of an important work transition, I just began a new role, something really challenging and I am trying to fit in as much as possible, and this week is the hardest as I am also searching for an apartment.

I have had help from a few people whom of course have really came through for me and they are so patient with my nagging and constant questions, constant pressure I put on them.

The other day one of them said “Lerato, wankwatisa mare wena watseba” and I laughed at him because I understood just how much I have been on his nerves and to be honest, I haven’t really been committed to the search until I felt the pressure.

but I thank God for the calm demeanor I have received at one point I didnt realise just how much I was not making sense until I was told “Hey, Calm down okay, I will help you with the list” and tears just filled my eyes because the gentleness and kindness I have received from those words was overwelming.

No person, not even Super Man can do this life thing on their own, No one can even survive on their own, we need love, we need support, we need joy installed back in us when we lose track of who we are.

It is in these times when I see who really sees me and choose me even at my worst, I have cried over the phone, I have lost ,my mind, I have pushed them away like everything else but they stayed and I am never unsure about myself but I am glad that every once in a while I am reminded of how much of a big deal I am, I am reminded of the fact that even though I am a little unhinged and a bit hard to deal with, I am still worth a fight.

Thank you for breathing life back to me, I didn’t know just how much I needed it until I met a few people whom I will thank one day. they got their hands on me and I have stopped questioning my sanity.

Listen…

You need people who will LISTEN even when you don’t make sense, even when words cant escape your mouth, even when you feel cold inside, listen to your shout for help even when you are silent and keep them. keep these people

We laughed about it, and for the first time for both of us no pain was clinged to the laughter, it was no pretence, it’s was genuine and we felt it, the contentment, the chains that no longer bind us, the vengeance that faded long ago. He said “I can’t believe we are over it” and I returned with a sigh in my voice, at ease, this time without holding back tears “Man, I am glad we have”

We have been friends for long, and we never really touched the topic of heartbreak, we just knew its too sensitive and we avoided it but this time it came naturally, he told me, I returned the favor, back a ND forth we narrated the events, made dark jokes about it and then he asked me “What changed in love for you?”

“a lot” I said
“I know you and accepting people as they are, you don’t ask for much, you don’t change them, it’s so easy to become themselves around you because you never make demands”

At this point he hit a nerve, at this point he makes sense, at this point I am going through files in my head, at this point he is right.

He asked again “So what changed in love for you?”

To be honest, I am open minded, I never really expect much, I don’t ask for much, I am the kind of woman who accepts flaws, I understand imperfections and you will never hear me say “Oh I love when you do this” or “you are not doing this right” I believe in allowing things to flow but at this moment I realised, I have been making things easy, people don’t hesitate letting you know what they way, letting you know if you’re getting it wrong and now it sounds a little unfair, that the same people never really ask back “so what do you want?”

He asked again “What changed in love for you?”

And I was honest.

“I changed”

Its at this point I realised that, I have been so giving, what do you want? I will give it.
But I never had the same question asked back.

“What do you want Lerato?”
And so I slept on it.

In the morning I called again and as soon as he answered, I asked him to repeat the question.

He asked “what has changed in love for you?”

I told him

“we are no longer accepting, all the women in me are no longer accepting of everything, we have demand too now”

We both laughed.

I am in love, don’t get me wrong.

But hearts are careful around here.

Lesson here is, If someone never asks about your love languages, how you want to be loved, how you give love.

Then how will they know how to love you right? Theh will always miss the point.

*unedited

I have been getting better for you bae.
Scratching our their names , something tells me I should clear the list.
These people calling me, announcing their plans but my bet is on you, you got the win.
12 a.m in the morning and your heart is chanting.
Am I Miles away or close to you I am not certain, one thing for sure I am dancing to the rhythm.
Look at my scars, they are fading.
The same way my insecurities went out the window when you walked through the door.
I pride myself in fighting feelings, this moment I am failing.
In this moment I am disappointing, this moment you got your way with me.
You creeped in, slowly invaded my thinking, I am sinking deep into your vicinity.
Something about you that makes taking risks a better option, something that makes me want to break my shell and allow access to my vulnerability.
Maybe it’s in the way you handle the broken pieces of me, like they are not cutting your hands, like your are not bleeding.
Somehow it makes me feel like I am not too much to handle, somehow I feel like my brokenness is a blessing.
See what you did? You have me looking at life differently, thanking God the past happened to me.
Thanking God that the last one hurt me, He taught me a lesson.
That love has to feel like heaven, ever since we became, I have been liberated.. This is heaven.

I have been doing it for you boo, fighting my demons.
Night after night I have been reaching my hands to God.
Hoping I will be to you what He intends a woman be to a man.
Fasting, hoping the thought of me is all you see, when you’re at your best and in times you’re at your worst.
Is it obsessive? That I want you to be all for me?
Eyes on me? Mind on me? Is it crazy? I am unhinged… I know.
Something about what we could have makes me loose my mind, something I have never felt, Hoping I escape my own thoughts… Just to get away from you.
It feels good, I been trying hard to lay low
Its not Working for me especially when it comes to you.

Future bae, thank you , I have been waiting on a miracle.

Sometimes we talk about staying like its the only thing to do, we forget that leaving is also part of life, that it can be exactly what you need and there is no shame in that. we talk only about keeping positive feelings, placing guilt on negative feelings. I have been learning how to react positively to negative feelings, I think God has been heavy on me especially on embracing the journey, embracing what I encounter, bad or good.

It has taught me to enjoy where I am even if its not where I want to be, to be defeated but rejoice still because I know there are better wins coming, greater than the defeat. I wont lie, I have never been asking God for peace like I am now, I have really been crying everyday because I need certain alters to be broken, you see…I am a fighter and I fought nasty on some situations because I didn’t want to walk away, I didn’t want to fail and that is A SHAME because I was failing with every blow, with every punch I throw, I was fighting a losing battle and all I wanted was victory, even though I didn’t have the strategy, All I knew is how strong I am and I thought it was enough but it wasn’t. when I talk about fighting most people think of relationships, marriage, love, No, mine is brought, mine is fighting for validation, fighting to be understood, fighting to prove that I am deserving, fighting anxiety, fighting where I am which is not where I thought I would be, fighting to make it, for success… naturally I am becoming better but I am fighting to be more, Maybe for you is fighting for that marriage, that friendship, that job and that is also a portion of the things I fought for but I got tired of fighting that finally when I let go, I drifted to a dark place, a cold place, a place I used to pull people out of and now that I was there, I was left alone and now I know, that I was left alone because I was in desperate need of myself.

I had to stop writing for people and speak my healing truth (Hence this blog) I had to stop pretending to be a perfect Christian, self righteous and entitled and actually realise that like everyone, every drug addict, every abusive dad, every thug, like all the sinners I compared myself to feel better about my sins, Jesus was on that cross because of me too, now it dawned on me, not only the heavy burden of perfection but the shame of actually believing that I am the master of my journey when I was just a survivor, trying escape the fact that SOMETHINGS HAVE TO GO.

I started walking away, from toxicity, YES, I HAVE BEEN TOXIC ON SOME ENDS, from BEING STRONG, from always wanting to WIN and so I will do whatever it takes, from anxiety and from who I am not, I started opening up to who I am and what I enjoy and I JUMPED. I hate not knowing, I hate not having a plan, I hate vulnerability, I hate speaking about feelings, if there is one thing I fight more than I fight GOD, that would be my feelings, I fight them when they are wrong, I fight them when they are right, I fight them when I have to get in a relationship, I fight them when I have to exit a relationship, I fight them in confrontations, I fight them even when they are not there, I go… “where are you? aren’t I supposed to be feeling something right now?” until I didn’t know what I feeling at all, I couldn’t recognise these feeling I dont know the name of.

I was fighting and dying at the same time and I didn’t notice it, because I didn’t know myself enough to realise when I am running out of breath.

don’t be me, Well…DONT BE THE ME I WAS, the kind who will sacrifice the best part of yourself for war, to fight for people who will never fight for you back, a job that will replace you once you’re gone because you are just a number in the database, a relationship that is only standing because you are fighting, a friendship that doesn’t move unless you start the conversation, a place that only recognizes you only when you are bleeding, LEAVE AND NEVER GO BAK ANYMORE and no, you are not giving up, you are stepping up, you are recognizing the battles worth to fight, and I know that if you have read this up till this point, you are not the time who walks away without giving it a fight of your life and if you are thinking about walking away now that means you have tried everything, gave it the fight of your life and you are tired because it has burned out the best parts of you and you have nothing else to give. GO, LEAVE.

When I finally left I knew it was right because I had nothing left to prove, I just wanted peace and I needed the door to my old self shut, BOY WAS I A FIGHTER, wow!!!! I never saw myself leaving the battlefield but once God says, STOP THIS FOOLISHNESS GIRL OR I WILL BREAK YOU UNTIL YOU REALISE WHO YOU ARE because what you are fighting for is way beneath you and if you saw yourself as I see you, as a blessing and not a sacrifice then you will understand that you don’t have to die this way. After I let go, there was silence but it didn’t bother me, there were no calls for favors, no more giving explanations, no more feeling like i am not enough, there was the calm after the storm which I am not used to so I started some drama to spice my life up, I am used to the chaos right, some fights there and there but it didn’t feel good, it felt like I was wearing all white and I fell in a pit with oil and I came out stained, I went back to God and said “Well, we messed up again, I am in trouble now” and its like God was enough with me, because I swear I think I heard “No Girl, YOU messed up because YOU don’t listen to me, YOU are in trouble and I am still on the throne like the King I am” God has humor like that.

And I realised that being in war for a long time can mess up your mind, its like you don’t want silence and peace no more, you are always in the fighting mode, sleeping with one eye open incase your enemies dont attack you, some of these enemies are even in your head, LEAVE ALL THAT BEHIND AND NEVER GO BACK

I have my share of medical threats, times I didn’t think I would survive. I have kept these to myself, I have indulged, with no word spoken, with no explanation, with silent prayers, my lips mumbling and the words coming out cold like the place I was in. Some days it felt unreal, the amount of explanations to these  medical terms, some minor, some complicated , some with side effects, some with lesson learned experiences, all I can say is… From a headache, migraine , to a bleeding nose, a scar, anxiety, whatever medical condition there is…
Nothing has ever come too close to the words I should have said to protect my truth and I didn’t, I almost died from the truth I never told. Nothing comes close to the  times I should have never protected anyone who hurt me but I did, making excuses for toxicity because it’s an uncomfortable situation to be in, from both sides, two wrongs never make a right.
Nothing has ever claimed my life like the times I wanted to be a bigger person and act mature about situations where silence has to be broken, where I allowed myself to keep my side of the story covered, when I Condemned myself, when I was broken and even with those pieces I never wanted to cut anybody so I stayed away, I let lies get away, I let discussions about me on things I didnt even know about myself slide when they come to life.

My condolences, a part of me died.
A part that cared, a part of defence, A part of explanations, a part of the real truth, a part of sin and redemption, the other side of the story, it’s no longer coming out of the ICU, I am pulling the plug, I have been on life support for long, hoping my diagnosis will find a cure, that one day those who witnessed will attest, that those who heared and saw willl be witnesses but there us no justice and karma might take long or never at all, I am leaving the past and the demons behind, the bad blood, the bad memories, the lies, the marks, Rest in Peace, ashes to ashes..

Here lies the deep need of approval I had, here lies the begging and pleading, here lies the woman who played it safe to protect more that was at stake, but mostly HERE LIES THE ATTEMPTS I GAVE to redeem myself from the gossips. Trust be told that half the things they say about you are not real but damn, some of them really  hurt to hear, now for my sake because you use the words to hurt me, to hurt him, to hurt her, to tell one side of the story so that you may gain a favorable image,  here lies you, here lies them who spoke and their words held weight, not anymore, not where we are.

I have had my share of life threatening moments, times where I failed logic and ceased the moment but mostly I regret the words I never said, words that could have become a volcano to every mountain, burned down every river and set the forest on fire but I knew that was their only way to redemption, to ease their conscious, to  caress the guilt and so I let every reporter, journalist, live the lies tey tell.

The ttruth is, if you heard anything about me, make peace with it because truth or not, I am no longer in the business of explaining.

=Unedited

I am checking in.

There is PEACE stirring in my soul, a joy and I love how it feels, I have been gone for a little while but I promise all has been amazing and I needed to savor the moment and build memories so I may come back and pour out positivity as much as possible.

I am now a Masters student, A started a new position and I am experiencing healing. last week a person who was supposed to be special to me disclosed information about myself that he heard from someone else, this information was one sided, it was incomplete, it painted a picture about me (a negative one) it was half the truth, now I am not one who lets such things slip, a part of me wanted to play dirty too, spit some bullets too, reveal the other side of the story too and the revelation thereafter but I didn’t, I spoke to a few people of my own and they advised that I keep my peace, instead of proving my point, I let go of this person I thought was “special” because if He wanted the truth, he could have asked me like mature people but he chose a side and I am done being on defend mode, so I let him live with the understanding he has of me, he chose it and it made sense to him, I cut him off and no, he is not my boyfriend, just someone I clicked with and I loved how they thought and their personality but maybe I thought highly of them that they would be able to filter the truth from lies and if their reaction is based on what people say then they should never be in my life, that’s how unbothered I have become.

Stand for the things you fought hard for, even if you lose people, it means they were not supposed to be there to start with, stand for the progress you have made in becoming better, don’t let anyone make you relapse no matter the position they hold in your life, don’t let anyone come from whatever pit of hell to drag you back to your demons. I am a fighter, A dirty fighter to be clear, I don’t fight fair, I don’t follow rules, I don’t hear anything but my own heart chanting for victory, I don’t take breaks, I go for the win at all cost, I break the norm, I become evil, I unleash the monster and I don’t care and every inch of me wanted to unleash hell, then I realised that its not worthy, they are not deserving of that side of me, it will make matters worse, I am better than that now and that side of me only comes out to play when necessary, a side of me I am destroying

The purpose of this blog is to be real, to be direct, I am allowing you in to my life which is scary as you are about to know me and I am not used to that.

last night I fell asleep next to my content self, for the first time I didnt have to be someone else or be reminded of the things I should be, or the things I am that needed to be changed, I fell asleep next to the love of God, the kind that loved me with my flaws and weaknesses, that worked gently with me to fix them, YES, I am dramatic, YES, I am loud, YES, I have a resting bitch face (Sorry for the word) YES, I worry a lot especially about the things I cant change and it drives me crazy, YES, All the women in me are crazy, smart, loving, kind but guess what, all these things make this beautiful being that is ME and God doesn’t remind me all the time of how flawed I am, He works with me so gently, so kind to make me better. If you constantly remind me of how unhinged I am, I guess its too much for you, YOU HAVE TO GO and honestly, I will open the door for you as I am a work in progress, NOT ANYONES WORK IN PROGRESS and if someone steps in and tries to FIX ME, we will have a problem, I dont need saving, no heroes allowed, I am not Gotham city. The past few days I have been letting go of the perfect ones, I am not feeling quilt or remorse, I cant have such energies around when I am working on the best version of me, the right ones will fit in perfectly to the puzzle, I wont have to be careful when I am around them, I have been too careful way too long, I have been adapting to what people think or want way too long, I am not about to suffocate once more, falling too far from myself trying to fit a perfect picture, THATS THE ME I WAS AND I HAVE LAID HER TO REST, MY CONDOLENCES.

Currently I am at a very good space spiritually, emotionally and mentally, I am balancing my work and my studies, other departments in my life are working together and I love the unity, there is no war in my mind, it feels amazing, YES. Love has been winning, it has been choosing me like I have been choosing it and I am using my voice, even when I tremble with fear, I have been standing up for myself, I have been letting go of the past, I have forgiven myself and everyone, I have been letting go of dirt, detoxing, connecting to God (Me and Him are vibing ) just to put it out there, listen… NOTHING CAN COMPARE TO THE FEELING OF LOVE, money makes me happy, shoes make me happy, food makes me happy, BUT LOVE COMPLETES ME. I thank God that He restores.

6 months ago, if you would have told me that I will be here, I will be without fear, I will be seeing things the way I do, I probably would have laughed in disbelief, I would have called you a liar but love has a way of coming back, upgraded, better, gentle and kind when you start searching for it in your heart, when you start giving it a chance to evolve, when you know how to give it and how to receive it, no matter in what form it comes in, it is beautiful.

I want to challenge you, stop being scared of letting go, LET GO if it requires you to be someone else before you damage yourself and act crazy, let it go if it reminds you over and over again of your flaws, let it go if it feels like instead of helping you be better, it makes you feel worse, let it go. I DID, I STILL DO.

I wish you success in your goals, love, prosperity, protection. may you laugh, rejoice and celebrate, may you become one with God, the holy spirit and Christ who loved you enough to die for you, may you become more aware of your strength and worth, May everything that’s not meant to be in your life exit gracefully, may you fall in love with your scars (I cant believe I have learned to love my chest scar) may you be around people who don’t remind you of your failures and insecurities, may you see beauty in the fire and go through hell like you own the place. ..