I have been keeping these dreams to myself with the fear of how people will receive them (only told a few people) but the more I do keep them hidden, the more God bothers me, the more He keeps me up, the more He makes them bother me to a point where I need to let someone know, anyone who might read this, I need you to know that Christ is near, He is preparing His own.

The first Dream:
I was in what seemed like a crusade, a revival but what shook me, this revival was filled with young people and they were crazy about God, worshipping, jumping, dancing, praising and I was in awe, I could feel their love for God and in that dream I heard a word “I am raising an army, my children will emerge, they will have a burning sensation to tell people about who I am in a new way, in an evolved way because the world is evolving” it almost felt like the place was ascending, like there was a lifting and then I heard “Everything is mine, everything is me and know evil is beneath me” I couldn’t stand, I could be in the same place with the holy spirit and stand, I fell on my knees and then bowed my head because there was so much light there (Please remember this, as light appears on all these dreams) but not the kind of light the sun can give, this was pure white, darkness faded away immediately, this light was too pure, there were no shades. I woke up and my body felt like it was in shock, I couldn’t feel even my arms, it took me 2 hours before I could sleep, just shaking, almost in fear but not really.

The Second Dream:
I was in my apartment, every day I check traffic from my window as I have a full view of the route I use to work, I do that to prepare myself and make my way through when I see that traffic isn’t bad. In the dream, I looked out my window and everything was normal, a very ordinary day, I went to my wardrobe to pick the outfit for the day and then suddenly a sound come from above and everyone could hear it, a very powerful sound and then there was light, I went outside and people were lifted to the sky some were running, trying to hide from the light, others thought it was an alien invasion but I could see in their eyes that they know the truth, they know what is happening and they were terrified because they knew that for those left behind, life will change. In that dream I saw Pastors staying behind, at one point a very small church that operated in a small shack with 4 male members who were trusted, they looked like the committee or leaders, but they were very respected by the church, they left behind, the whole church left behind, and they had so much pride that even when other people were crying to the heavens begging for forgiveness, the 4 men felt above that plead, they didn’t want to look weak. Suddenly it looked like I am hallucinating, in the dream, imagine that< how can one hallucinate in a dream? I heard “Revelation 1V7” I woke up, in a shock, went to search for the scripture and when I read it, my jaw dropped…EVERY EYE WILL SEE HIM.

The third Dream:

This one broke me to the core, this was scary.

I was back home, seemed like I was on leave, I think I was left behind in this dream (Hence it broke me down so bad) the first thing I noticed about this dream was the weather, there were heavy clouds but no rain, it seemed like the clouds were there for the purpose of stopping the sunshine, because it felt like for days we couldn’t see the sun and then there was a strong wind and everyone ran to their homes, suddenly there were huge black birds, they were poking peoples eyes out, these birds aimed at the eyes, I just stood there in paralysing shock, like I was supposed to see that horror, then fire come out from heaven, it was raining fire…literally. The trees were burning, the mountains were melting, the world as we knew it in all its splendor had turned into a murder scene but no one was dying, people wanted badly to die but all they could do was feel pain, they got burned but never died, their eyes were poked out but they never died, there were also children there, 10 year olds, 12 year olds, not babies but kids that were screaming in pain, 9 – 15 year olds. I have watched scary movies, The conjuring, the Nun, Annabelle but none compares to the horror I saw, the screams of people asking God for help and the only thing that came from the heavens was fire. When I woke up I cried, I cried and repented.

In the morning I contacted the people I trust and I started opening up about these dreams and I was not alone, even though it was just about 3 of us, but we were dreaming about the coming of Christ and one thing we had similar was the light, we both saw the purest light…Almost as though, after all is said and done, the world is never ruined, like the children of God own the world, after the horror, the crying, the children of God inherit a beautiful world. We don’t know what this means, but there is a wave of God taking over the world and I need you as a child of God to join in that wave, if you are called, stop running away and reach as many people as possible, call them to God, call the people to God because Christ is near, even if you don’t know if you’re called or not, still.. Preach the Good news, they will mock you, they will laugh, but lets continue. My confidence is the word I got from one of the dreams that “This whole universe is mine, evil is underneath my feet no matter what you see”

If you read till the very end, if you read till this point then may the spirit of the living God tell you what to do.

#Unedited.

Dear Lerato

I hope its not too late to render this apology, I don’t want to waste time with the formalities, truth is I never really gave you time and its not fair of me to require that from you.

I know you are in a better place emotionally, mentally, and spiritually right now and that’s all I wanted from you, I wanted it so bad that I pushed you too hard, I pushed you to the core and then acted surprised when you spazz. A part of me loved to see lose it, I loved to know that you can feel anything besides anxiety, I wanted to know that you can be on beast mode, so I threw you in the fire, I threw you in chaos, made you believe that you deserve it , made you believe that you are broken and I am the only one who can fix you.

You asked to walk away so many times and I always made you believe that you are nothing without me, that you need these walls we built, I didn’t understand that you are outgrowing the trauma, the past, the pain, I couldn’t have you outgrowing these things because I used them as the fuel to keep you going, I wanted the best for you and I would do just about anything to ensure that you get it at all cost even if it meant sacrificing your sanity. I am sorry the walls that kept the harm away, also kept the happiness away, I am sorry that I wanted to be the only one to experience you, I am sorry that I held on when you wanted to let go, I am sorry I would shout at you for crying because it’s a sign of weakness to me, I am sorry I never listened to you when you said it hurts, I am sorry I made it hurt the most. I was on your corner but to force you to fight in the ring when you wanted to throw in the towel, honestly, some battles you wouldn’t have won because even before you started fighting, they have already made up their minds about you, but I kept asking you to go on. You felt the blows, you had the punches, you fell to the ground, you fought, and I was only the coach, silly of me to stand on the side while you got your hands dirty and I never asked you to stop, Forgive me.

You have no one to trust, it’s my fault, I kept you bound to the promises that people broke, and I made you believe that no one could ever act right by you. My reasons behind this were very pure, see I Know your heart, I know how fragile it is and that was my focal point, I apologise. My sincere apologies for not allowing you to be soft, to accept love, to accept being vulnerable. But you were always stronger, you were always tough because no matter how many limitations I gave you, to be less you human, here you are…

I love to see you laugh, I love to see you smile, I love the sparkle you have in your eyes, I love how you talk about yourself in confidence, I love how you handle bad days and the worst all the same, in faith, in hope. I love the chances you have given to love even though I made you believe that all it does is hurt and destroy, just love in general. Love for the things you do, your job, your hair, your body, the people who are for you, the people who stayed. I love where you are going, the qualities you possess, the grace that carries you but mostly I love you.

I loved you even when I didn’t know what’s best for you, I love  you even when I couldn’t figure out how to love you, I love you even at your worst and when I thought you were broken, I loved you even when you walked in a big city, far from the family, far from what you knew, I loved you when you didn’t know how to cross the road, when you didn’t know what you will eat, I loved you too much that I made sure no one sees your cry for help and no one gets to witness you at your best because they were never there when you needed them.

I am sorry for not believing that anyone is good enough for you but that didn’t stop you. Look at you now, look at you trying, look at you genuinely laughing, look at you doing so well and still about to do great without me trying to hold you back from the best version of yourself.

Now I let you be you because you are good at it, I can never do it better than you do it

With Love, Lerato

Dear God

It took me so long to be here, in a place where you are, and we stare into each other’s eyes without having to feel shame when you look beneath my mask. It took violence, it took breaking control, it took forgiving myself, it took total surrender that I may stand in a place where your grace dominates and my pride submits.

You have seen the empty rooms of my heart, you have knocked on the doors of chambers I refused to open, you stayed and endured the cold breeze, you tried to reach for me when you heard my cry through the cracks of the walls I built, you stayed still. You and all the love you have for me stayed, waiting for me to finally defrost, how could I have thought that I needed to be perfect to deserve your love? Why did I leave you in the dark when you are my light? Why did I think I can feel without you when you have my heart? God where did all this start? Where did I think I needed to be someone to deserve your embrace? So foolish of me to create laws that restrict harm from coming my way when you are the law.

You are my King, my everything, my rest.

The light that finds me in the darkest places of sin, a God who is never enough with me, a God who is always on my right-hand side. I felt death craving for me, I felt it sneaking in and just when it almost caught me, you stood in formation, you consumed it, and now I stay burning for you. Just when I lost my way, I became whom you didn’t create, chasing after things that were the death of me, when I lost my ways out of wanting what you didn’t intend for me, you gracefully broke me, you broke the need for justification, you took me to spiritual rehabilitation to eliminate addiction and now you are my obsession.

Breath of life, it was you I needed to inhale more than anything, I have been breathless only because you were never in the things I seek. Hoping to grasp for air without you was suicide, you are my life support. My soul knows very well, My King that you are all that makes sense. You are beautiful in all your ways, your love stays the same even in my shame, you never stop chasing me down, leaving the 99 to come and chase me down. I can never really explain what you have done for me but if they ask I will tell them that you, God, that only you reign supreme, I will tell them that you have set my heart on fire and now I am burning from within. When they ask, I will tell them that you dealt with what I have been trying to fix for years, it only took one touch from you and now I feel complete. When they ask why I am crazy, deeply in love with you, I will tell them that I never knew how to feel, emotions felt like a movie but you made them real for me. Let it be known today that you are King, you alone are KING.

I arrived at my place yesterday and quickly jumped into my Pajamas, I fixed myself a small snack, it seems to be all I am eating these days, never had a decent meal since I came back from home and that’s 2 weeks ago. I took both my laptops and opened 2 document individually, one I was editing my work on the side, on the other I was editing my submission. I put  my Bluetooth headsets and switched on my favorite playlist, jammed to Snooze by SZA while I carefully take in the pain my feet was exhuming from the shoes I wore in the office today…”Only God knows why I keep wearing this shoes” I thought to myself as I rub my tiny toes to each other trying to ease the pain…”Wait, I have a bottle of wine in the fridge” I thought, as I jumped off my bed to go get the whole bottle, which is somehow almost at the bottom, since I have a minor case of flu, I let my bottle defrost while I listen to my fire playlist and I go through both my machines.

“I should eat something” say no, As I perused my phone straight to Uber Eats, selecting prawns… I didn’t even spend 5 minutes, this is a miracle, considering I take a while before I decide what to eat, I placed my order and went to the bathroom to wash off the dirt my face encountered throughout the day. Waiting for my food to be delivered, I don’t want to start working and then break the momentum when I collect my order. My iPhone rang (proud that I finally got the upgrade I wanted, I think I deserve it) and my guy with the prawns was outside. On my way there, I bumped into a very fine gentleman from the complex, we collided by, the iconic K-drama kind of collision, the kind we only witness in movies, ladies, and gentlemen I present to you my first ever collision with a fine African brother.

“ I wish we collided to a point our lips met and I kissed you” at this point I think he is flirting, his next statement confirmed my thought to be true  “I mean, it will be a beautiful valentine’s day gift” and I just stood there with this fine guy in front of me and said nothing, why am I acting like a teenager, a scared little girl, why? granted! I can’t flirt to save my life, my goodness, I just walked away, he must think I am a nerd, yes I am a nerd but I didn’t have to make it that obvious and I can’t believe I forgot that it is valentine’s day.  Got my food from the uber gentleman who wished me a happy Valentine’s day, so sweet of him, I went to my house hoping I don’t bump into the same guy again, I don’t want a double dose of embarrassment, still can’t believe I did that.

Few minutes later, done with both my laptops, done with the prawns, finally indulging in a glass of wine and I am watching my favorite show “The Big Bang Theory” oh how I love Sheldon! Until the invertible happened, A guest on my door. The first knock felt like a dream, no one would ever show up without asking unless this person knows me well enough to a point where they knew that if they asked, I would say no. the second knock I was in awe of their audacity, Its honesty the audacity for me. I looked around my house, its clean, at least my pj’s are also cute and I don’t look too crusty and this could be my neighbor so I just answered the door and God have mercy, at this point I don’t even know what to say.

“Hi, can I get in?” he asked, this is the second time today I have ran out of words, I should be having an easy Tuesday, I am not working out today , I don’t have much to do, I just wanted to breathe in the day but no. when he asked to get in, of course my initial answer was No, as always, but I have begged myself countless times to open up this year, allow access this year, carefully so. So he asked again, “Can I get in?” I might hate this decision so I said “yes”

Then walked in a gentleman I met while at an outing with my friends a few weeks ago, we met by chance, started having a conversation only to find out that He is new in town, He is in agriculture and He loved the tone of my voice, our conversation was flowing and therefore I shared a few details, including where I live which happens to be at the same place as his friend and business partner live, I  might have been exited that day to see my friends that I just easily had a conversation with him, or maybe he didn’t force it and the introvert in me unfolded, the last thing you want to do is get my introvert overwhelmed.

I am looking at him, he is looking at me until he said “its cold in here”

“how dare you come into my house and tell me that its cold? Its been raining do you see the clouds?’  I said to myself but honestly, it is cold and my heater is broken and I told him that, he asked to have a look at it! Imagine my shock, people that have come into my place knew about my broken heater and my attempts to fix it with no luck and none said anything or offered to help, here is this stranger with a beautiful smile asking to see it, I pulled it out like Sonic, he had a look at it and told me what it needs, I had no clue so he took it with an attempt to fix it before winter is upon us, that felt amazing.

Almost 2 hours later, he leaves, I walk him out and he said I am a great person, and that felt nice.

You are probably reading this and you think  it might be a possible love story, don’t get your hopes up, no one knows and I won’t confirm anything. You probably gathered that I am not for the streets and you are right , I am not. You probably gathered all the evidence you need to try and figure me out, you maybe have an idea.

But…

I shared this very intimate piece of information to people who have forgotten what it feels like to let people in because of betrayal or pain, and  the side effects seems to linger on longer than you expected but give yourself time, there are things you haven’t felt yet and they are still on the way but you wont feel the magic in these things if you don’t open up to the possibilities of being happy. Amazing people have shut down, funny people have stopped making jokes, kind people have turned cold and these are the side effects of the people who took advantage of the good.

I hope you give feelings a chance again, I hope you give people a chance again, I hope you give love a chance  again, steady, softly, gently… Allow yourself to unfold again, not everyone is your ex, not everyone is your abusive father, get help and start living again.

As for me, I apologise to the people who met me during my brokenness, I was  barely breathing, I was on survival mode, I shut down, I was scared but now, I am on my way, I am unfolding, I am changing and I apologise you had to meet me while it still hurt, I am healing…

Please live

Your girl has a coffee date. lol and I am not going to cancel

I am usually hard on myself, if I fail, the feeling of  failure lingers on so much that I drown in it for a little while, when I am drowning in any feelings, I isolate, I disappear, I take some time to recuperate and then I make it back into peoples lives like nothing happened, yes, that’s notorious of me and I agree but I don’t know anyway of dealing with negative emotions, that doesn’t mean I don’t try to allow access to  me while I am hurting, however automatically I just shut down. I keep thinking about how this manner of attending to obstacles seems toxic and I should have never allowed it to get that far but what do you do when you don’t know the right thing to do? How do you do better when you don’t know how to do better? What if the way you are doing things is the only way you know how? And you have been doing it so long that you don’t even see that you are wrong.

If you think betrayal hurts, wait until you figure out that you allowed certain painful things not only to take place in your life but to repeatedly visit you now and again, let’s not be hasty or nasty to think about assault, death of a loved one or hate from people, those are things that don’t give us a choice, we can’t choose when death will visit therefore I need you to be more detailed and logical, the truth hurts I know, but let’s face it for a change. The fear of being alone made you stick with a partner who didn’t appreciate you, abused you and who took you for granted now we are here, you are wounded and scared to love again because the first time you actually allowed yourself to be reckless that was the one time you should have been extremely careful and selfish with your heart and now a good woman is standing right in front of you and you are sabotaging any chances of being happy because the last time you fell, you hit the ground so hard that every bit of your anatomy scattered on the ground and ever since then you have been struggling to attach the pieces and get back up, hurts doesn’t it? And I am sorry but it happened, now move from it, stop blaming that person when you also had a chance to actually accept what your mind was telling you, what God himself was telling you about this relationship and take ownership of the side effects of the choices you made, that’s the first step in healing, accept that you fumbled yourself, you overlooked your worth and you settled when you were supposed to level up and heal so you  may recognize a blessing from a lesson.

We are a generation that lives in a different world, our kids are born into a whole new era where AI seems to be the future, the things are parents feared will happen are already taking place, we are the generation that living in the days our ancestors feared, there is no time to camouflage or pamper toxic  traits that our contributing to our extinction. At some point you need to be an honest and tell your bestie that they need to fix their hearts, their heart is so evil that they try to destroy anything or anyone that is above them, they gossip and trap, you entertain it yet knowing very well deep in your heart that your friends heart is evil until its your turn and you get that one thing which they always wanted and now you have to live in fear and watch your back, and when people tell you that your bestie is gossiping about you, you get hurt yet you knew that’s how they are engineered and you never stood up and called a spade exactly what it is, A SPADE.

Your attitude stinks, you are mean, you talk bad to waiters and you are proud of it because you got it from your mama, you hide behind being “blunt” but honestly you’re a mean human being and that’s why you don’t have any friends, no one wants a piece of your dirty mind which you so enthusiastically want to share, talking about “I will give you a piece of my mind” nobody wants that dirt, you are single handadnly driving people away and its all you. You must do better.

Me, I had/have an affection problem, working hard on it. I am still working on expressing my feelings, if you just made me happy, say you bought me a teddy bear, a watch, a piece of jewelry, an iPhone, shoes, weave (this is me giving you a list of things to surprise me with, by the way lol) I would be so happy in the inside, my  heart would be bouncing out of my chest but my face would  be so emotionless, I would say all the nice things to thank you which I mean, but it wont look so convincing because my face is just neutral. I am so bad in showing affection that I talked myself into believing that I hate surprises only because I don’t know how will I handle the thrill of receiving something I was not expecting. I have planned birthday parties and worked so hard on surprising people that I  wonder, why is it that I can’t put myself in the position of actually accepting  the same thing but then quickly realize, maybe it’s because I am scared to even think about people putting in the same effort to me as I do to them because…what if they won’t? What if a surprise party is something that my people won’t do for me, so expecting it is just a way of breaking my own heart, naturally I teach myself to hate and fear surprises so that I wont have to deal with the side effects of disappointment.

What am I doing to change?  THERAPY! Yes, I just started seeing a shrink, no matter how scary the reality or the origin of this flaw, I am willing to work on it because one day I will be a mom and God forbid my children surprise me with a card or slippers and I formally respond “Noted, with thanks, kind regards” imagine the torture. One day love will find me, and God forbid the gentleman kneels down and propose and my answer will go “After careful consideration and analysing the situation, my heart and I agree to be in this partnership with you”  imagine that. I cant kept missing out on the greatest opportunities to feel and give because I am scared to show emotions and so ladies and gentleman this life is already hard  enough, I wont make it  harder with my inability to express and display affection. I will cry, I will jump on you and give you a hug if you made me happy, I will give you my account number (lol) Miss independent is gone, I will accept help so if you knew me and knew that I  will turn it down, not anymore…now I feel, I speak and I am not afraid to show it.

Happy New year and stop making things difficult for yourself.

Hello beautiful people I know it has been a while and I have not committed to my vow on being consistent here but I promise you that the absence have contributed heavily on being the great woman that I am becoming.

A lot has happened in the year 2022, I learned a lot of about myself, which I feel was the hardest thing I had to do as I had to come to terms with the things I hated about myself and the things I wished didn’t exist in me. I am not an angel and it was crystal clear, I am no where close to being a perfect woman and I apologies to the people who had to met me in my reconstruction era, I am really sorry you met me when I didn’t know ho to love, forgive and let go and I apologies for not making it easy o get close to me because of the demons I was fighting, from the bottom of my hear, I am sorry that you had  to experience me before I met the broken pieces that exist in my soul and I didn’t have the courage then to call a spade exactly what it is “A spade”.

Though I regret the time it took to accept myself for who I am, I am glad it happened now, there are no more strings on me, it took breaking laws and being a rebel to find she that governs my heart. Understand that I couldn’t lie and be an angel when I was acing demons so please, bear with me.

When you see  me in love next year, please be happy for me, I prayed for him

If you see me looking great next year please be happy for me, I am working on my physique

If you see me graduate, please be happy for me, I stayed up all night.

If you see me alone, please let me be,  I am connecting to life.

If you see me crying and praising God, please let me, I fight my battles that way.

Amazing things God has released, I am accepting every beautiful thing, every blessing, every light, I deserve it.

Thank you for being here

I want to dedicate this one to GOD just write a love letter to my Father.

I love the way you have been with me, I love the way you handle me, I love the way you bring me closer to you in such a way that you totally destroy that which holds me back and every time you have caused a separation, you always show me why, even if it hurts, you always prove to me that it happened for my good and you’re close to the broken hearted, I am never alone. A lot of people have broken their promises, a lot of people have only showed up for me when they need help, some come closer just to benefit from what I have but you loved me before I even knew myself and even when I was aware of my flaws, my imperfections, my sins and I drifted far away from you because of guilt, you held me together, you became a father and a friend, nothing I could have done or can still do ever makes you turn your back from me. I fight you more than I fight anyone else, I say mean things to you, I throw temper tantrums, I question you but you always bring me back home, thank you.

There are things you protect me from, I am such a curious being, I always want to know, God you know I love having control, I love being on top of things, I push till I get the answers, I never give up, I never walk out and sometimes me being a fighter who doesn’t know when to let go destroys me, I am difficult at times, to a point where I don’t understand myself and I would think I am not worth your love, that I am too difficult but you just make loving me so easy, you just make all my flaws look like a garden of flowers, you make me feel like my imperfections are not a big deal and you make me feel like a princess all the time. I am tough girl, a little bit crazy or maybe lot, I have my days, but you don’t have your days, you don’t have off days, you don’t even sleep, I am always in your mind, thank you for being concerned of what concerns me, for placing me in places I didn’t deserve, for helping me in the midst of my pride of admitting to needing help, for really working on me.

Lord you work on me so hard that I sometimes want you to take it easy, you work on my attitude, you work on the demons I like to keep as friends because sometimes that guilty pleasure hits so good, one just want to keep on repeating that sin over and over again for na enjoyment but you give me that holy ghost slap so fast my wig falls off, and I love that about you, my redemption is such a big deal to you, my deliverance is a big deal to you that you will rather break my heart to save my soul, you see the bigger picture when I am focused on the errors. Thank you for 2022 Lord, you really performed miracles, people don’t know that there was a period where I was not okay for 2 months, I showed up, I pressed on, I will still kind, I was gentle to everyone, I made plans but I couldn’t stand myself, I had inner battles, praying was hard, I remember telling you that if I don’t have any purpose then please take my life, Lord I meant it, I REALLY MEANT EVERY WORD but you kept me, even when I gave up on myself, you kept me. I couldn’t be real with everyone else but you, everyone leaned on me, everyone expected from me, everyone but you, with you I felt like I didn’t need to prove myself, just talking to you in our private place and I couldn’t wear that superwoman mask, I took it off, I submitted to you, I am in awe of you, I stand in awe of you, no one loves me the way you do, and I can count so many things that make me undeserving of your love, but you still call me your friend, you call yourself my maker, taking full responsibility of my life, thank you.

A friend I never had, I tell you things I can never tell anyone, sometimes the conversation starts like

“so God, did you see that guy at church today? Father you are a great creator, I love looking at your sons” I  used to stop myself and try to hide a crush from you then remember that you know my heart, I have learned to know that you are not a beast, waiting in heaven for me to mess up and be out of line so you may sprinkle some punishment just to see me suffer, you love to hear from me, from a crush, from asking you to remove jealousy from me when someone is doing good, to snitching on someone to you, you love hearing from me, thank you for being my personal psychologist.

Thank you for my life, thank you for the lives I will touch, thank you for the people you will send my way to help me, to lead me. Thank you in advance for all the good coming my way.

ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOMORROW! 22 NOVEMBER 2022

Yes, I am aging like fine wine, getting better with time. usually I make a big fuss for my birthday that I get so emotional on the day but something is different this time, maybe it comes with age or the fact that life on its own is a beautiful gift, I am alive. I saw the world stand still because of Covid- 19 and I was scared, I stood with my family in prayer, I fasted for our lives and we lost no one to the virus, God is good, I saw it happen, I witnessed the Russo-Ukrainian War, I saw cooking oil prices going sky high, and then there was Monkey Pox. Life is such a beautiful gift, I tell you, I am so glad to be alive.

I AM HERE, we lost so many people but I am here, with my family, unvaccinated and still here. My heart is still in one piece, I dont remember the last time it shuttered, I have been taking care of me so good that my skin is also responding, the glow is too much. I heard a quote “Happy women become softer and rounder” have you seen me lately? I am proof that the quote is true. a happy woman becomes softer and rounder and my biggest flex is that no one but myself is responsible for this happiness, I am so unbothered, I am treating myself right, I am going for all the things I have wanted and I look at myself with kindness. I am entirely responsible for the changes you see. I cry, I fall apart, anxiety is still making appearances here and there but it is well with my soul that lately King Jesus and I are on good terms, we are on the same page, no arguments, I haven’t thrown a temper tantrum since the last time He said “NO” and I lost it, we have been good ever since, I make time for Him too, reading the Bible like a good daughter should.

I am still accepting gift, I will be accepting gifts even after my birthday, so please keep send those flowers, shoes, food…I love it

A friend of mine has a beautiful 8 month old baby girl, for safety reasons lets call my friend Lulama. I remember in March 2020 we were both on a Vacation, Me, her and our other friend who was expecting a baby girl at that time. I remember Lulama and I being carefree, having fun, spontaneous, playing by the pool, taking risks, taking pictures, playing with the camera, being women with no kids while the other friend, lets call her Bohlokwa, was extremely tired and we would try our best to be more accommodative not just of her but of each other character. both my ladies are very calm, very laid back, I am also calm and laid back but for the first 5 hours when I get to a new place, after that it game time and Yes, we met a couple of interesting people, made some friends, interesting places, interesting things, just us and we deserved all the fun.

But Lulama spoiled it, she is a mom now, both of them are and I am low key angry, why? WE WERE OKAY WITH JUST ONE OF US BEING TIRED, now its both of them and I will be seated there nursing my phone while they nurse human beings, I feel bad at times that I am the bad aunty who gives kids candy and make them listen to Kanye but what am I supposed to do? they are all below 3, I have no idea what to give them when they cry but I realised that Ice Tea performs miracles, without the Ice though, they dont like Ice, I think its something to do with the fact that they dont have teeth to crush it but Ice Tea always gets them silent, by the time they are hungry, I am gone.

Lulama is a mom now, her hair is different, her conversations are different, her drive is different. nothing stands on her way now, if she wants it, she gets it, she goes hard now, she breaks everything in front of her and she wont stop until its in pieces, real mama bear. its almost like she became better and I love it for her because she was always gentle, cared about what people say and very submissive even when disrespected she was submissive and I hated it but now, she will hit you so hard, hit you to the floor and walk away, she is a mom now and that’s beautiful.

Sometimes we birth things, things that change our lives but we don’t change resulting in us losing these things. Sometimes the best job lands in your hands and you don’t respect it enough to change, to learn more about it, to engage with people who will equip you with knowledge therefore one ends up failing to step in this new role, losing it. A relationship that changes your life, a person you have prayed for and God finally answers and instead of growing into a better woman or man, you decide to be comfortable in doing the things you did before receiving your blessing and then you lose it. A university or collage acceptance, you are now a first year but stuck in high school mentality then fail. A different change in live deserves a different you especially a change that requires you to grow up then please. MATURE. If you have a child then be a parent, so simple.

She is a mom now and her conversations are different, yes we still talk about hair and boys now and then, we still wear our mini skirts and sit by the garden and drink our wine, well, I mostly drink it now but I guess that’s what I mean by change, I can have it, she cant, growth requires taking responsibility, ownership, stepping up, being an adulting and adulting is difficult hence we still find men and women who are fascinated but the art of having their parents doing things for them, famously known as mamas boy, its sad.

She is a mom now and she makes it look cool, I have no intentions of joining both of them as yet but I love how they do it so well, its like something just welcomed them in the parenting world with skills and techniques on how to be the greatest mom ever and mostly, I thank God that they are not doing it alone, they have amazing partners who equally love being parents, and I have seen their partners change too, who knew Mosa would change diapers, He does it . Loyiso too (Made up names) and they even carry them on their back like women do, and sing Daddy Shark…so beautiful. I love it, there is hope.

Change, please change, once you get all you prayed for, once you birth it, please nurse it like a new parent would and love it and be a papa bear or mama bear when it comes to it, protect it, love it, never get used to it or take it for granted, what gets taken for granted get taken away.

A lot of negative things took place last week, I found myself ignoring social media, especially twitter and Facebook trying to avoid all the negativity. One thing that really disturbed me was a video of a young girl shot 12 times by her boyfriend which was making rounds, I heard about this video, but the plan was to never watch it, I don’t want to see a person die and, what do I gain from it? For some reason that video made it to me, I saw it on my WhatsApp through a friend’s status, no matter how much I tried to play far away from this video, it just found me, and I was disturbed.

Allegedly, this young woman decided to break up with her ex because he was not on her league anymore. She graduated as a lawyer, and it seems this gentleman is the one who paid her tuition fees and supported her but upon receiving her degree, she fell out of love with this man and that’s what drove him mad. A few weeks ago another lady posted on social media that her ex stabbed her with a bottle when she told him that she doesn’t want him anymore, this one was not influenced by status, she just didn’t want him anymore, he stabbed her severely and she had stiches, here life has changed. About a month ago, close to my home town, a man stabbed his girlfriend to death this one was different in a sense that they would drink alcohol together, get into trouble together, take drugs together, scam people together, but they had much too many, a disagreement took place, he killed her and then ran, her body was found in a shack.

Never let any human being have so much power over you that the thought of losing them drives you crazy, it influences you to go out of character, it forces you to do things that you will never imagine doing, no person should have that power over you, ever. Know how to love right, know how to be in control of your feelings, leave some room for yourself to also grow, to discover, to have friends, your universe should still be in orbit even when they are not there. Don’t build homes in people even if they feel like a safe space. Please, don’t be “Crazy in love.  I am not one to pretend like this will be easy and sugarcoat anything, once upon a time I wanted someone so bad too, I wanted them to want me therefore I would do anything just to have them, even lose myself. I know how it feels to want to take a bullet for somebody, give your life if you must, no one ever prepares you for that, no one ever gives you instructions on how to love, who to love, why them or how to stop, you just have to see yourself through. In this scenario we can never say we understand why he did that, if he was angry or hurt but looking back, the way I was so far gone, I could have simply done that too, there way I was, If I had access to a gun, I could have made my way to wherever he was and mess things up, and that’s scary to think about, that a love you have for someone can turn into an obsession, for a minute there or hours, or even weeks your life is not your own, all you see , all you hear is them and what they did to you and how you can get back to them so they may feel the paralysing hurt they caused you but baby, its not worth it, pick yourself up and leave, don’t let them tell you twice that they don’t love you no more, No matter how much you have invested, there is someone who will love you, all of you, entirely just because you are you, you will be doing the bare minimum and it will be enough, that way allowing you to go above with no fear because every tiny thing you do, they are grateful for.

You don’t have to be crazy in love, losing your mind on purpose, you won’t have to act like a beast before what you say can be heard. I want to remind you, that’s not love. When Jesus died on the cross, that was it, that’s the only person allowed to die for love, that’s the only person who willingly gave His life out of love so you may never have to be a sacrifice.

We live in a different world, people have so much to say about this new age, about how the devil has invaded heart, things are not the same, love is not the same, so they say. Women and men are equally scared of what they can do to each other, killing someone is so easy that you can even take your phone out and record visuals while you take a life, make a video of them laying on the ground as a souvenir, even with all these things happening, I pray that when it comes to you, what concerns your life should fall in pleasant places in JESUS NAME. what concerns you should not answer and behave the way the world is receiving theirs, yours will happen softly, in Godspeed, yours will not result in struggles or aches, yours will not be forced to a point where you lose yourself, whatever it is, yours will be between you and God, so don’t expect it to look like anyone else’s and don’t behave like you would if you had an ordinary thing, yours will be exceptional.

So please, when you fall this time, don’t fall crazy in love, you shouldn’t have to lose your mind to proof the depth of your love, may that never be your portion.

Women, the bible in Songs of Solomon 8:4 SAYS “Don’t awaken love until it so desires” please refrain from handling love on your own because you awake in people premature or irrelevant feelings. I know time is ticking out and everyone looks boo’d up and you get lonely sometimes but please, don’t awaken a flame with gasoline, It will go out of control and end so fast before you could even trace where you went wrong, its hard waiting on the Lord but its even harder playing God to keep something alive, you will run out of love, you will run out of tolerance and they are killing us for that, rather be safe.

Prayer: I pray for every woman reading this, May God put his protective hand over you and all your loved ones. May you find favour in the Lord, May His mercies shower you with a love that will not hurt you, that will not destroy you, that will bring you closer to God, that will bring the best out of you. If you have not been able to be a woman, if you have had to show masculinity, if you have never had to be treated like a queen, open your heart for you about to witness a love that is God orchestrated, you are about to live in real time a love that is heavenly approved, no confusion, no stress, no holding back, no pleading, no begging, just quality life problems, open your heart and accept a love that will allow you to submit without fear that your submission will be taken for weakness, a love that allows you to give and yet still have enough to sustain your life, a love that allows you to be vulnerable, to be a woman, to be soft, to accept help and when you do receive this love, I pray that you may be ready, that you may be healed, that you may be soft enough to hear your partner without them having to raise their voice, may you be ready for this God fearing man who will never hurt you in any kind of way, a provider, a wise man who will help you greatly in making life decision, a man who will prove that norms and standards set by society do not hold every man captive in fantasy, may you know and have wisdom on how to be his helper, on how to be besides him, never behind him, before him, or above him just right besides Him. What the world is saying about marriage and love will not be your portion, you will only witness it with your eyes. all you will feel is abundance, completeness, forgiveness, patience, kindness, provision, protection, faithfulness, loyalty. you are never gonna teach him how to be a man, you are never gonna make excuses for him, you are not gonna be the problem, you are not going to be his headache…well, sometimes lol but not deliberately.

Let it be so and not otherwise, let the church say amen?

Receive it girl.