Sometimes when I think about it deeply, When I awake and realise that it was me who felt the pain that made me want to take my own life, When I think about how I walked on the street with shame sitting on my head, streaming down my toes and I had to walk the walk but my spirit couldn’t carry my feet, When I really think about it, I am left in awe on how amazing the same fire that was supposed to hurt me was the same fire I needed to heat my passion up.

I am smart, If I should say so myself, my biggest asset has always been my brain but that year I failed the most important Grade I needed to pass, GRADE 12 and I didnt know how. The amount of laughter I heard from people started to sound like the monsters we were scared of, only this time they were real, and I could hear them. Monsters at church, Monsters in my neighborhood, Monsters from people I shared a class with, I could hear their evil laugh behind my back, others to my face, others to spite my parents, others to rejoice.

And I felt dizzy, the kind where the only escape is if the Earth opens and swallows you. The amazing thing about being at rock bottom is that it becomes the right position to get back on your feet, it gives you the ability you need to break the fall, even though landing on hard ground is painful but pain reminds us that we are here and we are still human. I locked myself in, regained my strength and do the thing over again,I had to step back again to the halls of the same school I failed in, write the same subject I failed, only this time with people who were behind me, People who wished to wear the Matric Uniform when I wore it were now wearing it and I was in the same level as them but I didnt care, It was no longer about who, what, when or why, It was now about me.

Fast forward to University, I had 35 Points to get in, I received my qualifications under a lot of strain and I got distinctions in the most difficult modules I never thought I would and I am proud that I never let go of myself.

This life thing is very odd, sometimes it takes away so much from us, sometimes it leaves us with scars, other times we have the opportunity to live out best lives when others days people dont know what you have to go through to live your best life, the things you have to forgive, the sins you need to confess, the tears that hide behind the smiles and the truth that lingers behind the lies, whatever it is, This life is for you to live and no one will master it unless they live their truth.

I will keep saying this until someone understands that it was a part of me and for me to evolve I had to let it go…PLEASE HEAL. it took me 3 years to get over the feeling of failure, it took me 3 years to find my value and in this 3 years there were people who loved me and I didnt see their love because I didn’t love myself, I felt their love was not enough because it didnt fill my happiness but happiness is something I should have brought to the table and not demanded.

I love the fact that I failed, it helped me relate to feelings people hide, when they open up to me, I see why they live a lie, I see why they are angry, I see why they are so loud, I understand the hate because I felt it foe people who saw a chapter on my story and concluded the book of my life. I thank God I failed and the alone time He gave me to hear him clearly.