In less than a Month I will be celebrating my birthday.
Often we beat ourselves up for not being where we hoped we will be, we look at ourselves and see what we lack, what  we have been through, what could have been and our mistakes.
Sometimes we just overlook the things we survived, how strong we came out or the power we possess only because a couple of things are not going our way…
The greatest challenge I had this year was to control the way I think or see myself, BE HAPPY WITH MYSELF
I could have the best job, amazing support structure, the fastest most latest car, the best of everything but it will never be enough if I am not happy with myself.
Stop thinking about the things you lost, the mess you put yourself in, the shame or pain of being disappointed and start seeing things about yourself that are worth celebrating, the things you overcame.

The truth is I am scared, I am terrified even.
I am posting and driving this blog, doing videos and the only encouragement or push I get is from the messages my readers send me, the comments, the inboxes and love besides that and God, really I don’t know where I even get the strength to continue.
I don’t want to paint a luxurious picture, like I have a whole team backing me up, I don’t.
No one reminds me to update my blog, no one edits my videos, no one gives me ideas for content… Everything you have been seeing or reading is all me. Understand when I say I know how it feels like to stand alone, to do something that no one gets.

As much as it may hurt sometimes, it’s prove that God can equip you with resources until the time is right to allow people in your life, THIS IS PROOF THAT BEING ALONE IS NOT WEAKNESS, it’s prove that not having anyone backing you up is not a curse. If it’s from God then nothing will stop it.
That gift.
That job.
That relationship.
If it’s from God, it will strive. Do it even when you’re scared.

“No man is an Island” true, I feel it everytime when I need something done and I have no choice but to do it myself, I feel everytime I don’t even know where to start but I never allow fear to make me feel like I won’t make it, like I won’t strive. Have fear and do it anyway, anything else will fall into place, have fear and stand up anyway

Happy Monday

2020 has been personal, to be honest I didn’t know how much I lost myself until this year began, I didn’t know the amount of things I had taken for granted, forget all that! … I MISSED ME and I didnt even know.

I missed out on so much about myself that finally, all of me gathered for an intervention, a serious discussion on how much I had forgotten the things that make me.

Short summary.
I am the first born, I don’t come from a comfortable background, I had been by myself throughout varsity and I was raised by my grandmother, I AM AN OLD SOUL who is an Introvert, who loves art.
Already you can tell that with me everything is not black and white, there are shades of Grey, you can tell that I am not an easy combination, plenty about me spells out “Rare” and I have been fighting it until this year.

I knew that I lose control when I am angry, I just didn’t know how deep it was until I had to really dig into my past and see where all this came from and I found it, on a normal day I wouldn’t have been able to go that far but thank God for the Lockdown that I lost the most but gained myself, I finally heard myself think, I finally had to be real.
The truth is a bitter pill to swallow but a lie is worse, I had to be honest with myself because if I lied and put the blame on others, thats a toxic behavior.

I realised that yes, I am a beast, I am hurricane and honestly I am a volcano and there is a reason why.

Don’t get me wrong, I am so loving, I love God, I love life, I love diamonds like any other girl, I love  movies, I am friendly and people around me know this, even people who are not close.
But all of that goes away when I am mad.

Why!? Why is it that I can not cry when I am sad but I cry when I am angry…

I discovered the truth and it hurt me, because I realized that I had driven away so many people who tried to love me.

I also saw and understood that working through my mess, since I am aware that I am a working progress, I need people around who won’t use it against me, who will bare with me, people who will know that just like them I got issues too and I need patience, people who won’t give up on me. And I won’t treat them like they don’t matter just because I am getting back to myself.
It’s a give and take.

I am also afraid of babies, yes… Children.
I love cooking.
I hate noise in the morning.
I can’t stay in a crowd for more than 2 hours.
I speak loud to myself and I think I am funny so I end up giggling alone.

I am a bag full of emotions, a bubble in a bottle of champagne, I am worth the wait at the same time I am worth rushing into, I am a lot in a little way and I have been ignoring myself.

Lately I have started baking and I love it, I don’t know why I have not been.
I love taking walks and video calls, I hate watching TV and I love radio. I am actually good in playing tennis (just discovered that) I love camping (also newly discovered) and once I am with people I am comfortable with, I never stop talking.

I know we lost a lot, I know there is uncertainty and all we are holding on to is faith but if I should not awake tomorrow, then I would go a happy soul because I met myself, I met my past, I went head on with my lies, tackled the toxicity and I am happy with myself.

I AM HAPPY WITH MYSELF even when I am aware of the things I need to change, I am working on it everyday, God still loves me anyway.Welcome Home Lerato.
Welcome home love.

I’ve been here so may times
Maybe that’s the reason it hurt less, than before.
I am not saying I didn’t care.
I am just grateful for what we had.

Maybe I should be bleeding, pleeding.
Yet for some reason I am not heartbroken, I am not grieving.

Go on, say what you got to say.
Give reasons why we not here anymore.
When they ask you say it’s all my fault.
I just don’t care anymore
It’s not that I never loved you.
You know the truth, you know how much I wanted you.
I did everything.
And that’s why it feels okay without you.

Maybe I’ll find somebody new, when you have already settled down.
The thought just doesn’t bother me anymore.
Maybe you’ll have a family, finaly when you’re ready. And I will be in the hands of the one I am enough for. It really doesn’t matter anymore.
I swear I’ll still be happy for you.
I don’t feel misery, I am not mourning.

Sometimes we want something and it doesn’t want us back.
Then we stop wanting it and realise it’s not all bad.
There was a time I couldnt even sleep at night.
Wondering who you holding, somewhere between the break ups I stopped feeling.
it doesn’t even hurt.

A little bit of spiritual motivation.

God wants to give you things that your heart desires, God is still in the business of blessings even in 2020, this year does not change who God is, it sure does not change His plans for your life, God still knows you, He still has good plans for you (Jeremiah 29:11) and sometimes there are walls and they need to break, sometimes there are strongholds and they also need to break but it’s in the nature of God to set us free, it’s in the nature of God to put you on hold just to save you. It’s important to have a conversation with God as your father, to understand the seasons in your life and what they require from you, its important to know when to ask and when to declare, Its important to know when to stop declaring or asking but mend your relationship with God because if you have Him, then all things will follow, it’s your right, you have the authority to understand the season you are going through. Maybe this Unemployment season is for you to build character because your next position requires a stronger you, its taking time because God wants you to be a leader, He has not forgotten because I know that unemployed even poverty listens to Him and it bows down. Stop crying child of God, Celebrate even if you don’t have the job yet, CELEBRATE! That wife you want my brother even when you dont have a girlfriend, Celebrate that car even if you don’t have the financial abilities right now, CELEBRATE BECAUSE YOUR SITUATION I

Take out the trash, you are keeping so much gabbage in your spirit, give God His space to work, those thoughts of who failed you, who hurt you, who betrayed you, GIVE THEM TO GOD and let go, don’t be bitter, it only delays your blessings, be brave! Be courageous, refuse to be a slave to the past. God wants to give you joy, love, wealth, not even at price just let Him be God. Forgive, please forgive and it’s easier said than done, I know! Horrible things happened, I know, the treatment you got was bad, I know, they left you with a child, I know but God let it go! Let the hole they left I side you be filled with God’s spirit, you wi never feel that hate anymore, let God de with them.

Many say “Well, by the time God deals with them I will be dead” who do you think God is? HE DEALS WITH PEOPLE EVERYDAY! in ways that you will never understand, they lack peace, they lack happiness, they lack purpose but when you give the battle to Him, he gives you peace and justice, He is a God of Justice, let Him judge them, let Him put them to trial.

May October be the Month where you get answers to prayers you even forgot, may it be the month where everything said by the enemy against your.

May every problem you encounterd let you to good news. May every shame turn into a celebration, every failure turn to success.

Every negative thing, every lie, misjudgement people concluded about your character, your life, your deeds, let Heaven defend you.

You are not gonna carry the shame of your past, you will not operate in fear, you will not bow down to thoughts that make you feel small, you will not answer to self pity, you will not look at yourself and see anything less than who you are, YOU ARE A CHILD OF GOD.

Wipe those tears away for God is going to replace everything that rejected you to an upgrade, from grave to grave, from ruins to plenty.

The devil might fight this, he comes to steal to destroy, but tell him he is a liar, he might remind you of where you have been, things you did tell him that God does not only forgive but he throws away your sins as far as the ocean can not see, he might want to give you self pity but approach God’s seat of grace in boldness.

I congratulate you, this is your month.

These are screenshots of my whatsapp statuses. I wrote these right after I woke up from a dream that I was getting married to Michael B Jordan (My Bakari, as I call Him, obviously a crush🤣😂♥️) I was so filled with joy, telling people about it, fitting wedding dresses but of course the dream didn’t get to the actual wedding part yet there was a celebration in the air, grateful not for Mr B Jordan but for LOVE . For some reason my mind made fun of me “It was only a dream, Michael will never marry you, Girl snap out of it, he doesn’t even know you” that was my mind trying to bring me back to reality.

And God forbid I stay in such thoughts so had no choice but to… Snap on myself!

“What is it about me that would make Bakari not to go on bended knee, with a diamond ring?” this was the moment I had an argument with myself. Sure it’s a dream and the odds are slim but I am also a catch (no matter what, remind yourself of how amazing you are even when no one’s says it) and Bakari would be a blessed man to have me. Sometimes we forget who we are, overlook ourselves simply because we think we are not deserving. You see good things happening to people and you cheer for them however you don’t want to even think about the same things happening to you and put your hopes high.

So it’s better to play it safe, think about things on your league, try and not stretch your imagination on things above your reach. You also deserve great things, especially great love, mind blowing love, earth shaking love no matter who rejected you or ignored you. work on the things you think about yourself in your lamest hour.

Change the way you think about yourself if its the reason behind why you block what you deserve… The pictures Belo

I wanted to engage more into this topic as it’s close to my heart (But I was tired and sleepy 😴) not just about moving on but also “healing” which includes forgiving one self. I am hoping to engage more into this topic and have insight on what you think about this topic.

DM me, on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn in or even Email me on your personal Forgiveness and healing stories or just your opinion on it.