Melanin always dripping.

This is for everytime I wished I was lighter in my teen years, this is for all the times I wished I was taller, for everytime I wished I was thinner, for everytime I body shamed myself, and for every woman who ever looked in the mirror and wished they could change something.

You are beautiful baby

Me being with you means that I would Have to admit that love is real and I am not ready to feel yet.
Last time I did, I was left with pieces of what I thought would last.
The last time I did, I was left with memories and lessons.
You being so close is a threat to my pride, it means I have to let you in but my walls are too high.
I am scared you won’t stay too long with all my BROKENNESS so I’ll rather not give you a try.
Not because I don’t feel the same, honestly I would love to stare at you everyday.
Not that I don’t want commitment, how I feel about you is enough to keep me grounded.
I am just one who is known to love for real, It might scare you.
I am one who goes hard on loving maybe it might offend you.
Because with these kind of feelings we turn to think we are not deserving.
Hurting other in the process because we are used to the toxic…that’s not me.
My love is only right for you when you’re ready, it’s not childs play, you should be done with games.
Failing for you is not a mistake, I own up to it.
But you saying it back to me is questionable since I have been the only one who has really meant it.
I am not binding you to my past, you’re way too precious.
I just want you to understand it won’t always be too priceless, lets be honest.
Should I ask you?
Would you be able to love me When I am not myself?
When trauma from the past forces me to react and I lose the battle?
Would you still see me the same when you meet my demons?
Would you believe me if I tell you I am fighting for freedom?
Would you stand my tears? My inability to breathe when I am speaking?
Because if you’re loving me because of what you see then we are already losing.

It’s not that I don’t want you, I am just wondering.
Would you allow me to love you with more wisdom?
The kind that would force you to be better or are you okay with being comfortable?
Are you okay with not apologising? Are you okay with not facing the problem? Are you okay with being unfaithful?
That’s not me!

You being with me should not give you the idea of “perfect”
Or “relationship goals” taken from pictures you’ve seen on your news feed.
I am not designed to reject reality, some days we won’t see eye to eye but I will still choose you, over  and over till you force me not to.
Knowing that I want to be with you should not fool you, I would leave any day if what I serve no longer fulfills you.
I would drown in my tears, I would dry my soul out from missing you if I have to…I won’t force it out of you to choose me.
I will love you far away from you until it feels natural to.

If this is what you want, then own up to it.

NB: take note that not everything I write is about me. It’s just writing!!!

Good Morning Monday.
Even though I may not know what you hold, I know for a fact that I am coming to you bold.
I will not tackle you with the same mindset I did way back when I was young, that’s the old me.
There’s nothing blue about you, there is nothing to fear.
Though I found myself asking questions with no answers, knocking on doors that won’t open, there is something new about you today.
You Hold opportunities and you hold forgiveness.
You hold assurance that my dreams are valid.
You hold a promotion, you hold a deal that is sign, sealed and delivered, You hold redemption…
Here I stand, with my knees weak and my voice trembling.
I am telling you this “I will not let go until you bless me”
No, not this Monday.
I speak victory over fear, I know I deserve it, I am not shy about it.
And if anyone dare to ask me, why this Monday particularly?
The answer is, This is the first to every Monday there will ever be.
From this Monday, to the other Mondays as long as I live.
I will rise up despite what I see.
And this goes to everyday the same.
I will go and live, create something to my  name.
Yes, I might fall, I might have to face the shame.

But my soul has decided and I will never live my life like God made a mistake on me.
I am here, and that’s my power!

• 

• 

It’s funny how we believe we know what happiness is and we are confident in the list of things we compiled which we believe they can provide happiness.
Or maybe happiness is indeed a choice, a state of mind yet with all this love from our famlies, qualifications, high ranked jobs, status, fast cars, music and money still we go to bed empty, still struggling to make that choice to be happy, it’s scary…

It could be that we know what happiness is but we are scared if we choose it, then it will disappoint the people we are trying to please, maybe if we choose happiness then they would call us fools, or maybe lose friends or maybe that pay cheque because since you started that job every morning your heart has been heavy and if you had to choose your happiness then your pockets will be empty, ever since you left that dream for something promising, everyday you are drifting away from yourself, the truth is…you know it but you don’t have a CHOICE

Often I hear people who have given themselves time to know me speak of how kind and great I am even when I don’t see it because of the things I think when no one is around, they still see “greatness and kindness” and I can’t see it sometimes because of the things I have not yet accumulated, because of where I come from or maybe because when I look at myself I still see great work to be done and it took me a while to actually be okay with the fact that I am a work in progress and lately, well to be precise just about a few month ago, I made peace with being kind to myself and okay with not being okay, that was a start.

And I have nothing but hope that one day we will get it right.
Choosing happiness is simple but choosing it for ourselves is the hardest part, it means choosing to separate yourself first from pain and trauma of the past, it means forgiving yourself for allowing people to use and dishonor you, it means forgiving what they said knowing its not who you are, it means stop comparing yourself with other people and judging yourself from the things you lost…atleast that’s the start.

Waking up everyday and choosing yourself could hurt people as you will grow out of being their expectation, waking up everyday and choosing to leave behind everything that ever mattered to you because its really rejected you, waking up everyday fighting addiction because it’s binding you, waking up everyday choosing to see what others doesn’t see in you…no matter how hard it may be, that is happiness.

Or maybe it’s not.

Happiness is not what I tell you, its not what your mother approves, its not what your friends enjoy, it’s not even what the other person has that you envy for when you have it, it might not be as appealing as you thought it will be. Be true to your happiness.

As for me, I think I am learning to finally dance to the rhythm of my own heartbeat, I think I am finally seeing myself and its beautiful here, I think I am getting this happiness thing right. It could have been any year but it had to be 2020.

Last night over an amazing conversation, I made a discovery that my birthday, in the year 2020, is exactly on the day I was born and maybe for the first time I realise why things had to realign.

May you discover yourself.

I lay awake.
According to my plans hours ago, I should be sleeping right now but thoughts are running in my head.

Before you read this. Incase no one has ever said it. I am sorry for what you might have lost.

For days I have been affirming “Restoration” I have been declaring it, speaking on it, my soul has been calling for it, my mind has been racing on this word so much that I begged it to be silent, I begged my mind not to even think about it anymore as I was not ready for what “RESTORATION” might represent, maybe it meant that I had to break, I was not ready for that yet.

As beautiful as restoration felt, that  everything taken away will be brought back, I had to understand who I should be so I may be grateful of this devine substitution.
God can’t restore what I lost if my heart and receiving hands won’t appreciate it or recognise it because it comes in a form which I am not approving of, if I would still not see it as a blessing.

Change has to take place within me, the woman I was before I lost should be gone, a brand new woman should arise, a wise woman, a grateful woman, a healed woman, a gentle woman, a woman who has forgave and no longer a slave to her insecurities and past experiences. I have to break, gracefully

“Forgiveness is the perfume a flower leaves on the heel that crushed it”

I cried over these words because they meant that I should be merciful even to the ones who hurt me and I been refusing to, Now did I really forgive them? I would remember the words someone used on me, the hurt I felt when they accused me of hurting them when I have been the one protecting them all along for years, I thought about being hurt in the house of the Lord and I said “wait God, if you restore me before I deal with this pain and unforgiveness, I will still mess up what you bring my way” and I can not have that.

I need to still hold my beautiful heart even in disappointment, even those who hurt me, like the flower, my scent still remains because I have been beautiful inside out without pretending.

Know this today; be merciful to the ones who hurt you, forgive them as this will help reposition your heart to restoration. Stay as beautiful, stay as giving, stay as positive because what will be restored needs you to be better not worse, it needs your best version not the hurt version, because the hurt version will fail to recognise and protect whats being restored.

So I cried and I said to God…

“You mean you need the real Lerato that you created, not the one the world forced out of me?”

God will restore what has been taken away but you need to break! You need to stop knowing so much.

I am a “know it all” probably because I am blessed with a sharp mind and people like me think they have all figured out, you know whats best for you and when you end up losing that apartment, that job, you start thinking it wi come back the same way, now when God blesses you again, you refuse to accept it because it’s not the way YOU THINK IT SHOULD BE.

You start thinking.
“But God won’t bless me with Him”
“God I asked you for property, you gave a job at real estate”

Do you ever think, that Maybe God doesn’t want you to rent, He wants you to be a Landlord?

Not only did I pray for God’s to help to be merciful and forgive ENTIRELY but also give me the spirit of discernment …that I may not be attracted and hyped up by what is going to cause harm more than good just because it glitters.. That I may not belay my restoration out of confusion.

Restoration is deeper, restoration means accepting change.
Maybe you lost your job as a consultant and this time what is coming to you is a seat in management, you can not lead a company having a mentality of a follower.
You have been a follower, YOU HAVE TO RELATE TO BEING A FOLLOWER BUT STILL GROW FROM IT.
you were a follower so you may relate to people you will later lead that way your leadership will be equipped with empathy.
Leadership requires certain characters, open yourself to growth in your waiting period, work on yourself in your waiting period.

Be ready for a good partner while you are working on being a better partner, stepping out the way you used to communicate previously, how you fought, the things you did because when you are being restored with a great partner, you need to let go out what might ruin this blessing.

Habit needs to break, character needs to be enhanced, the past needs to go before it destroyes the future.

This is not only a Christian principle, this is a life principle.

People will enter your life who do not only bring great “FUN” but wonderful connections, have the discipline to carry ground breaking conversations with them, be able to negotiate with sponsors, learn!

People who want to build will enter your life, even though its what you need, are you ready for it!? Are you ready to build a life? Are you ready to give the love that you need or you still want time?

People who want to start immediately will enter your life, are you done postponing?

Can you recognise it when you are being restored?

Your turn is coming, RESTORATION is taking place.
Your time will be restored, don’t even look at those who got it before you!
Your job will be restored and multiplication will take place.
Your heart will be restored.
Your business will be restored, what collapsed as a mere building will be a skyscraper.
Your tears will turn to joy.
That tiny idea will turn into a explosion.
That small beginning will have great results.

Work on yourself, your mind, your thoughts, your healing…in your waiting.

One thing I know about restoration is that it comes with multiplication and a better version of what you lost, it’s a redirection incase along the way you lost your purpose, it’s grace that once more God has thought of you, its not a “restart” button, it’s an “upgrade” button.

Happy New Month, Happy New Season. The weather is unstable but its still a new season. Sometimes there are storms but it’s Still a beautiful life, other times there is Covid 19 yet it’s still a beautiful year.

This is something I will always say even on my death bed, that no matter how painful things are, I still choose to be happy. Last year today my uncle was found dead, murdered, his bones scattered on the fields where no one walk, still I thanked God that we found him, last year this time I was Heart broken and I thanked God for the lesson, for this seasons healing, for redeemption, last year this time I worked at a place that was toxic, I still thanked God for the experience and vowed never to treat my employees in any bad way.

This September will be a different one for you. You will Celebrate, you will find employment, you will seal the deal, you will move in to your house, you will secure the bag, love will find you, you will finally live in freedom, you will conquer that mental disorder, you will get that promotion, you will have other great ideas, new opportunities, you will win, you will have that baby, you will be happy, you will get through this, you will no longer bury people you love, you will celebrate, you will get that property, you will survive this…THIS IS YOUR SEPTEMBER, A WHOLE NEW SEASON!!!!! ❤️ You are about to witness beautiful things. OPEN YOUR HEART TO THIS, BELIEVE THIS, AGREE TO THIS… YOU WILL!!

I refuse to lose at everything, I refuse to be

Even on my death bed… I will choose to see the light.

Talking about “beds”😂😜 I took these in my bedroom the other day!!

These pictures sums up autumn!🌻💐♥️🍂🌷🌺🏵️💮🌸🌼🥀

Another night of bad decisions.
I can’t help that wrong feels right with you.
Passing red lights, chasing the thrill, I think this might be the death of me, I love it

Tattoes on your skin got me on my worst behavior, provoking my demons, Confessing my sins.
God have mercy on me!

I am a good girl not when it comes to you.

Another night of bad decisions.
I can’t help that wrong feels right with you.
Passing red lights, chasing the thrill, I think this might be the death of me, I love it

Tattoes on your skin got me on my worst behavior, provoking my demons, Confessing my sins.
God have mercy on me!

I am a good girl not when it comes to you.

Just to throw it in there, I was sick when I did this video but I went and record it anyway, because I really had to say somethings.

Family and life and everything in between can take away our energy and sanity but we live anyway, decisions everyday.

I hope some day you will decide to handle everything or at least if not “Everything” then handle the important parts. Before they handle you

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