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The beginning of this month I affirmed “A new beginning” and I had been working on it in a silence for so long , a few close people have been witness to it, and a few that God has sent my way to help me become.

J one of them revealing a part of myself I didn’t think I have. The sexy, weird, strong, artistic, strange side of me I have been keeping away for so long because it didn’t fit with who I want to be, SO I tried hard to be mature.

Until I met myself in different forms and I realised, I AM FOR ALL SEASONS…I am hit enough to produce warmth in winter, cool enough to chill the heat in winter, bright enough to blend with the flowers in Spring and every autumn, every I turn the leaf, I let go of all the bad habits… ALL MY AUTUMN LEAVES FELL, I was stripped naked like a try waiting for for spring to evolve and I loved every bit of it.. Thats how I reached myself.

Listen.

You are not crazy to feel anxiety, it is its season, you are not crazy to feel lonely, it is its season the same way you feel feel love in abundance at its own season, the same way you will feel pain in its season

Learn to deal with yourself in every season.

I went to the mall with my mom and brother the other day, I looked horrible because I had a long night studying and long day at work, my feet were killing me and my skin was breaking. It was a bad day for me, A FOOL WAS A PERSON WHO JUDGED ME ON MY WORST DAH then the following day I still went to the same mall, this time I had enough sleep , I ate well and I looked way better, the one who judged me on my worst day, missed the chance to see the good in me on my best day.

Every picture I am about to post has a different feeling behind it on the day I took it, can you guess how I felt on every picture?

Or maybe you won’t it’s because my seasons and what I feel during those days is just a part of me but not who I am.

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These are my moments, every picture captured in pain, love, hurt, happiness, joy, peace, bliss and regret but it won’t show on a picture because it’s not who I am but a season.

Love even the winter,

I spent 27 Hours hoping you will call.
Went back and forth everytime we hit the floor, picking up the pieces when you went over to the next one.
Checking my phone for a random text.
Praying and hoping you allow us a chance, that maybe you will finally see how much I cared.
You never did.

I spent nights wondering what I did wrong.
Blaming myself for battles I fought alone.
Because when I was fighting, you were clubbing, cheating, mistreating.
The frustrations of wanting you so much had me acting like a maniac.
Throwing things at you, hoping they Will hurt the way you are hurting me.
What a fool! Thinking you actually felt anything. That you would realise the damage you did.
When you never really did hurt. I ended losing my morals over your mistakes.

Spent 1 Month trying to pick myself up.
Drying out every drop of faith I had in you, washed away all these thoughts I hoped for you.
Just when I hit the floor, right when I got to rock bottom.
HE CAUGHT ME.

He caught me and I didn’t even see him standing there.
He caught me even when I pushed him out, even with no replies to his texts he caught me.
He held me close when I fought him.
He never confused fantasy with reality.
My demons, he drove them out, my insecurities, he embraced them in all his might.

He looked into my eyes like it was the only place he wanted to be captured in.
Held my hands like they were his home.
Even today he reminds me all the time how his future is designed with my presence.
How I am not what he is used to, his mama agrees too.
How I light up his whole mood, his friends notice it too.

After years of crying over you, begging for space to belong to you.
I have become his priority without lifting my finger, I have lost myself just to be found in his arms.

And when he holds me, Suddenly I understand why I had to meet you.
So I may understand what a real man feels like.
When he talks, I have nothing else to say, he doesn’t make noise, he doesn’t act insane, HE SPEAKS WITH GRACE AND AUTHORITY.

He is gentle and always remembers my place in his hands…to hold me down, to pull me on my knees and pray.
He brings me closer to God, never makes me feel like I am in competition with a girl from the club.
He speaks to God about me, even over arguments I create out of fear.

I thank God you rejected me.
I thank God you hurt me till I had to let you go.
If you didn’t give me that blow, I would have never met this man.
He would have never caught me while I was still stuck on you.
Thank you for showing me how love shouldn’t feel

Born from a blood line of women who turn pain into power, I am an epitome of faith and strength.
Women before me fought on their knees, prayed for my generation to never be slaves to fear and oppression, with thunder in their voice they called out our names to the heavens, weeping, dancing for the knew that WE WILL NOT SURRENDER.

I AM A WOMAN and let everything meant to harm me bow in shame, let every criticism, every embarrassment attached to my name tremble in fear for without me there is no home, there is no life.

With my bare hands I raise Kings and Queens, I perform miracles, I turn ashes into shelter. I am a matriarch, streams of life flow through my veins and on my tree of life your legacy was created, every root in my being held your flesh and forgave your sins, BEFORE YOU KNEW HOW TO HURT ME still I caress the earth with gentle breezes, I save it from itself.

Days after days, years and centuries I held on my chest, heartbeats in my womb, I loved the soil before it knew it could bear fruits, I am the motherland. It shall come to pass that even years after me one of my own will continue to lead. She will have fire in her eyes that burn out every desire that lures thoughts of destruction..

Curse a man who looks into my eyes with intentions to consume me, curse a man who sees the waves on my curves as a reason to touch on my skin without my permission. Cursed be the son of a man who commits himself in stealing my youth.

You should be ashamed, Don’t you know?

I AM A WOMAN, Life feeds from my breasts. Without me there is no you

P. S This is not a poem.

It was written at 3 am CAT, please forgive certain errors you may ci

You are a wreck, you don’t know when to stop talking and your mouth gets you into trouble. You have anger issues, daddy issues and therefore love issues, you mess up and push away any chances of love coming your way even when you don’t want to, you are just afraid that it would hurt you, so you hurt it before it does.

You believe in God and you also question Him, you don’t understand why things happen to you and in your darkest hour it makes you cry. You are bold and confident, nothing stands in your way. You have built a wall and no one can break it no matter how hard they try. Your heart is hidden somewhere between pain and regret and only heaven can reach it, no one can ever get to touch your soul because you have been vulnerable before and let your gut down only to be let down.

You ask yourself “When will it ever be my turn?” it doesn’t bother you because you have faith yet it crosses your mind when you have the world on your shoulders still you find a way to make that load feel look like a pair of wings.

Yes, you lose your mind over things you love and act crazy but you’re still wonderful.

You break apart in your own space, those walls you’ve built got you feeling alone, even though you need to let go, you are still wonderful.

Your mother left you young, your father never showed you that love is kind and love can stay even when know you deserve to be happy and you are learning to allow happiness the space it needs to happen, you are still wonderful

Even with your unspeakable past, memories you wish you could erase. Even with failed business attempts and losing your home. Even with nobody on your side when you are everyone’s hero. Even with bruises on your face, when he told you that you started it just by stating how you feel.

YOU ARE STILL WONDERFUL AND YOU ARE STILL THE REASON JESUS WOULD HAVE STILL TOOK THE CROSS.

He will leave 99 others just to go find you, His 1 and because of that, YOU ARE WONDERFUL.

You are strange, weird in your own way. Other days you have it all together, some days you break apart.

You should really learn to take your own advice and sometimes you love your advice a little too much. You should really learn to let go and love yourself more and this you know but your heart is big enough and you think it’s alright.

It’s okay, that’s who you are, you will get burned and you will learn that not eetyone

About 2 am, I was awake and I was filled with joy.

Trust me when I tell you that not everything has been going my way, I still have things I am working on and with everything happening in the world, it’s not really easy having joy at 2 am.

But you see, happiness is a choice, a choice that has been hard to make.

People lost their jobs, every week someone dies, humanity as we know it is facing fear but I chose joy.

I have been down with the fever, even though I am feeling much more better, my voice is still gone, I have cold sore on my lower lip, to sum it up, I LOOK AWEFUL RIGHT NOW. I still choose joy because I deserve it!

Last year in August, my uncle was found murdered and even today justice has not been served, it marks a year now and we still have questions but I still choose to be happy.

God has kept my family together, I am still working on my career, God is opening doors for me and even though I don’t see it sometimes, but ALL THINGS ARE WORKING FOR MY GOOD and it’s hard to see it someday when battles try to get me on my knees and once more I find myself crying to God, Once more I find myself struggling to explain thoughts in my head, once more I find myself starting from the bottom because I don’t have rich parents, or an enheritance or any other source to run to but REST IN KNOWING GOD GOT Me. That’s a lot, that need certain amount of faith.

I still choose to be happy

I know that someone might be reading this and they just lost their job, they just lost money as production had to stop, they just lost a parent, a child, someone is reading this and they were crying last night, suicide thoughts, anxiety or maybe low self esteem from rejection and disappointment BUT YOU NOT STAY IN THAT DARK PLACE FOREVER.

Wake up everyday and still choose to be happy, some days are. Better than the rest when on other days you will be at your lowest still choose to feel good.

You deserve it.

You deserve it.

You deserve it.

You deserve peace in the storm, choose to believe you do.

You deserve to know that this also will past, start living like you are walking out of it.

Choose to give away all that stress, choose to never allow it be a part of you.

You deserve the

We undermine small movements, we undermine small decisions…Stop beating yourself up because you feel slow, because people are passing you by.

3 years from now all this will be a memory, make sure you enjoy it.

I am the first of the 3rd generation at home to go to University and graduate, actually after my aunt, who graduated in 1998 no one really did it again but me, the first of the grandchildren to graduate.

The first to leave home on her own, a different city, no enheritance or wealthy parents to take me through varsity leaving me at the mercy of NFSAS.

Imagine the heavyness of that responsibility, the discipline I had to install within me, the amount of fight I had to do because I carried everyone who came after me in my family showing them that we can do it even if we don’t have the resources to.

I locked myself in the room and cried my eyes out most times because it was heavy and I would walk into class the following day like I am ready but honestly, I didnt even know what I am doing, if I will even finish that semester. One day my classmate pulled me to the side and said “I can tell you were crying last night, go home” the craziest thing is, I was laughing with them, making jokes and a bit of girl talk, I didn’t realize someone saw how bruised and puffy my eyes were and even though she saw it and I felt like my camouflage skills failed me, I am glad someone saw me because even though I was winning academically, all I saw was what I had to do and I left no space to see myself.

I didn’t see myself at all, I saw what I had to do, I never left a chance to explore what I love besides what I had to adjust to, I had my heart on nothing else but being a trailblazer to my family, to my kids, my husband and people I love and I left nothing for me, I had long walls that I had built against everything that could have stopped me from becoming or that could have been a hindrance now when my class mate said “I can tell you have been crying” I felt for myself, I felt mercy for my heart, I took my bag and I left, no hesitation, no fight.

And that’s who I am, my desire to fight is both the death of me and a blessing, I fight with tears in my eyes, I fight with failure ahead of me, I fight even when I should walk away and there are so many times I should have walked away but it’s okay, I won’t many battles fighting And I had many lessons staying

At home people were preaching to my mom about how I will return home with only a child as a degree, my mom would take that anxiety and discuss it with me which didn’t make things easier as it was a complete opposite of my mission, not only was I fighting to become, I was also fighting to keep trust between my parents, to build something I never broke, I never broke the trust but the words that my parents heard about the place I was studying broke it for me, that’s another fight I had to win

I am not saying I am there yet but I am explaining why I should be.

Maybe other girls cry for attention, for their missing earrings, over a broken heart, maybe they cry when their head bumps somethings or during that time of the month when the period hits hard, I cry when I am angry, I cry when I am in deep prayer or worship, that’s where I always tell the truth.

I can’t tell the truth when I am trying to have faith, because the truth shows me why it will never be done , faith says I will. When I come before God, I break down and I become vulnerable, now imagine How I felt when messages from the house of God surfuced on socia media about me, they broke me, usually I would fight but I was broken that the same house I run to when I need God can bruise me, I had to build that house within me. I had to be my own temple, that was another unnecessary fight, the first of its own kind.

I do wish I could boost about where I am, how I look or the victory I had but the amount of fighting I had to put in doesn’t allow me to be arrogant, I had to love my broken parts and accept my flaws before I could look like a goddess and I had to break down, I had to fight for love after love never loved me to walk like a Queen, I had to shut down every word that cut me deep to be who I am, to know I am my own kind of beautiful, to accept where I come from so I won’t have to be jealous of those who have everything, I had to look at me first and give myself that fight… I was the first to own up to my mess and it doesn’t allow me to look down on anyone who is trying to fight demons that consume their soul.

I was the first and I paused who I was for what I wanted to be and sometimes that’s part of the sacrifices we make.

I have been apologizing for being so stubborn, for not being street smart, for being “boring”, for being a fighter, for having a big heart, for wearing the same heart up my sleeves, for having the edge to resolve things, for putting family first, for giving and demanding respect, for the way I refuse to see what other people see, I just realized, I HAVE BEEN APOLOGIZING FOR WRONG Tings.

They make who I am, they are part of my beautiful imperfections, I am fighter and I am sorry that some people never put in the fight so much that me being a fighter gets them uncomfortable.

That’s what happenes when you are the first, you become at ease with standing out than blending in, those who are “the first” will agree with me, you had no one but yourself and you had to deal with t

Know this. Believe it.

God is incredible that He can see when you are misused, unappreciated and taken for granted. He sees when you are “being desperate” when you are overlooked and as much as He gives you an opportunity to keep on believing in the good that someone would change, He also gives that person an opportunity to change because He is a loving father.

Take note, time will come when He will protect you and cause that person to reject you, that rejection is PROTECTION.

When God separates you from what has been hurting you, not only does He will your heart, HE REPLACES their void with people who have great intentions, people who Will help you, He raises connections on your behalf and you become happier with what you lost as you gained better.

Don’t find yourself being the reason behind God blessing someone, don’t provoke God with His Children.

If God gave away His only son for sinners, imagine what He will do for the one He loves, don’t misuse God’s property.