I think I am finally there, No! I HAVE BEEN HERE BUT JUST NOT EXPRESSIVE OF IT, of this skin God gave to me. My mom is light in complexion and because daughters idolise their mothers, I hated that I took my dad’s eyes, lips, nose but most of all COMPLEXION.

But now, I thank God that the sun loved me so much that it kissed me more than the rest (Rupi Kaur) and I could have never asked for such

• 

• 

• 

You heard this many times before, its starting to feel like DeJavu.
That maybe its not for you, atleast thats your view.

Maybe you loved before and your fear is that I will hurt you.
All these girls you been with have you questioning if I’ll commit.
Or Am I after petty things, am I another mistake?

I know this time you want to do it right, I am with you.
And this time you have your heart on your sleeves, there’s no need.
Its not about what you have , Its not even part of what I see.

Yes, your smile steals the room, It draws me to you but thats not reason enough…
Its not even in the way your eyes speak to my deepest insecurities and restores my faith that a man like you exists in any possible way…thats still not enough

I just want to show you that everything you thought love is was not your imagination.
You have it infront of you, thats me!
Maybe leave the past hurt where it should be and spend the day with me.
We don’t have to hold hands or share our first kiss…
We just have to feed on the thought that something magical may exist.

Lets not fight this.
What I am saying is…
I want to have many moments like this.
Where I get to have you this close and know everything is possible.
Have all the world and still choose to be with you.
It may sound crazy, I guess thats what love does…
I choose you, over and over again.

Thats how it will always be.
I will choose you in a heartbeat, choose you on days you can’t stand yourself, if you let me.
Don’t be careful with me, dont build those walls on me.

I have decided on you.
What do you say?

By now you are aware of the things people have said about you, to your face, about the things you did or the things you do.

And those things are true, some you wish were not, others you didn’t mean them to be, they came out of a place of hurt, BUT THEY ARE TRUE!

YOU ARE NOT ALL BAD, I PROMISE YOU.

If you have learned from the hurt YOU CAUSED and the shame YOU BROUGHT and by God you are sincerely sorry and you are fighting every inch of darkness in you to be better, every trauma of the past to heal, every bad habit to die then I AM SENDING LIGHT TO YOU.

You are not all bad.

And if people choose to see that in you and crucify you all over for the mistakes you are trying to recover from, holding you back in the past while everyday you strive to be a better person and they use the bad you have done to cut you off, PLEASE LET THEM!

It sounds cruel, it sounds bad and maybe unfair but you need to focus energy on the people who believe in the goodness in you, people who see beneath the mess and choose to believe in the Good than the bad, WORK MORE ON YOURSELF FOR THEM while you forgive what you have done and forget the shame.

No one is an angel, this may be disturbing to people who have done no mistakes and are perfect because its the truth and we are bad people in some stories, villains if you will, others, we were pushed to our limits and hurt to the core so we reacted and action in anger causes danger, WE HAVE MESSED UP SOMEWHERE SOMEHOW

Thats not who you ARE is where you have BEEN and if there is light in your heart to change it..

To stop drinking alcohol because you hurt people you love.

To stop acting on how you feel because you hurt people you love.

Letting yourself down by acting out of character.

And you are not trying to create and paint a good picture to feel better about it, instead you are working on it…

Then its not who you are, be selfish about healing too, CUT THEM OFF!

The people who are holding your past on you like a gun on your head! To be a better version of yourself, YOU NEED TO CUT THEM OFF

If you have given someone a chance, a person who has hurt you badly but you gave them a chance, you believed in them then GIVE YOURSELF A CHANCE TOO, dont be too hard on yourself, take it a day at a time, be kind to yourself too and believe me, lile you have given people a chance, YOU WILL ALSO BE GIVEN A CHANCE BY PEOPLE WHO UNDERSTAND.

To perfect people, I am sorry you live in an imperfect world, I am sorry that you have never had to be forgiven because you dont do any mistakes, May it be so forever!

I shouldn’t be wearing this smile but I am.

I shouldn’t be hoping for the best but I am.

Everything else looks dark and cold.

I am scared and I feel all alone.

Words whisper to my ears, telling me I am all I have

Scar on my chest, reminding me of where I have been.

Saying its my fault, I should learn to act like a lady

The scar is deep but their words cut deeper.

I should be down on my knees, saying my last prayer.

I will not.

Even with these chains on flesh eating away my freedom I still think like an eagle.

Even when the walls are closing in and it’s hard to breath, I still imagine the breezevfrom the mountain peak.

Even with the rejection and the fall from loving the wrong ones and consuming their wrongs I still give my heart like its my all.

Even with limitations presented on my door, My heart believes in the impossible.

I have seen the sun dance and I also felt the moon cry, both these wonders broke my fear, Life awaits.

And when morning awakes and the sun brings a new day, I was in the night, darkness invading my space…still I arose and touched the sun ray.

And now my soul burns with desire.

I apologise for every rejection and messages that I was never enough. The rumours carrying my name decorated in lies.

They couldn’t handle my truth, lies felt better to utter.

That a girl from a shack can sit on a throne, I am amazed too, Life almost made me believe that I am not worth this crown.

Good Bye to the frown, I am no longer a clown.

Playing the fool just for your entertainment, wearing your laughter like its an award.

Magic is what happened when I rose from the ashes. A show is what I gave when I walked through the fire.

This is for evertime I never made you laugh when I was crying inside.

This is for the clown in me when I was made to believe my life is a joke.

It has never been! I own this.

I hate who I am sometimes, I sometimes feel like I delayed myself by trying to so the right thing, the right way because sometimes it feels like the right things to do sets you far behind.

People dont think about how good you have been when they betray you.

No matter how hard you worked u less God steps in, your name might not be called for the interview because they already have their candidate in place.

I sometimes battle with myself, it’s like good versus evil, do I remain the girl I am who was taught that the only competition is myself or do I just swift that away and hate every woman who looks better than me, who grew up having better or Who has what I want because for some reason No matter how hard I focus on myself, some girl somewhere is on my social media trying to see if I am broken, miserable and unhappy.

Why be good? Why be kind? When people take it for weakness.

Think about this…a married woman loves her husband, she is Faithful and has been with him for years of hardship and horror but He cheats with a girl 10 years younger who only wants his money, He loses his wife and realises that he was wrong after losing a good wife, and she is left heartbroken.

If that’s not clear enough, think about this….

A young man works hard for his family, He is the elders and he has a good job then suddenly dies, He has been good to his family but He died. That’s not fair

So I asked God “Why should I be kind in a Cruel world?”

I asked God because I felt like the good I am doing, the way I handle myself, My faith in Him and I wanted Him to answer me not as GOD or a Father but as a friend

And He…crazy right! God speaks to me😁

Good people go through a lot, the devil attacks them and show them how people who dont believe in God have it better because he wants us to change, Satan know already that He already has evil people in the bag so he dies not bother trying to win them over, they belong to Him. BUT YOU! AS GOOD AS YOU ARE, He can’t wait to get his hands on you so He will do whatever it takes, He will want to show you how your good heart is a waste of time so you join his side.

I have witnessed that evil people dont rest, have you heard the saying “No rest for the wicked?” They dont rest because of you, A good hearted person, they want what you have, they want your peace, they want to have you because deep in their souls they know that you are at rest.

We are all bad I someone’s story but there are people who choose to be bad in every story, who choose to gossip, who choose to lie, to cheat, to step, they make being a bad person their life style, dont be lured into how easy their life seems, it’s not! Stay the way that you are.

If you are a good person and you mean well for others, I pray God protects your heart, that He fights for you against those who mean to destroy you, hurt you and spite you, May they be embarrassed, may the witches who are trying to destroy you be destroyed, the ones who are taking your good heart for advantage and granted may God replace them with those who will appreciate it.

From My mouth to God’s ears, May your heart never change, May Angels guide your path, may those who harm you in the secret be embarrassed in the public, those who lie to you May God Fight for you.

My Dad had the “talk” with me, He asked my Mom to talk to me and I think he felt that it was not enough so He did it himself Just so I may understand how important it was to him.

The first words he said were “Love is not a bad thing, Love is God ” and I knew exactly where this was going. Truth is, talking to my Mom was fun but My Dad, It almost felt like I was called into the principles office, Like an interview.

We talk, My Dad and I, He is a hands on father, Never have I ever had to ask him to attend important school meetings or watch me sing and act at those church events even when I was bad, He was there! I got my first period And he was standing from a distance asking my Mom if I had those diapers young girls need, Yes! He called them diapers.

In most sensitive cases he would allow my Mom to step in and he would not even ask about it, so now you see how this was important because even after asking my Mom to talk to me, He rolled up his sleeves and summoned me for a one on one conversation, I was confused.

After saying “Love is a good thing” he continued to say “You are old enough now to choose who you want to be with, I see that women are dying in the hands of men who love them and I know it might be scary for you to love someone but Love and marriage were created by God”...

Yes, up till this far He is the one doing all the talking which is good for me because it means I am not in trouble and he is orchestrating the conversation.

Then he said…

“I am grateful that you respect both me and your mother that up till this far we have not heard anything bad about your relationships, that no man has ever came here to disrespect us, that up till this far you have respected this home and yourself but know that whenever you are ready and you want to bring someone here for us to meet officially, We are ready to”

At this point I feel good about myself as a daughter, that I managed to respect my Parents so much that they are okay with me choosing someone and they trust my judgement so much that it will be a good person whoever I choose , they also respect the fact that I am grown and they wont involve themselves in my love life unless I allow them, That also they trust God will give me a Good thing since my Dad mentioned that love is God so they are praying for me to have a good thing.

While I was in my thoughts, thinking about how much of a good child I am for keeping things together I was woken up by the words “Are you lesbian?” And my Dad must have seen from my face that I think he asked that by mistake so he said “You heard me, Are you lesbian?” I was blown away, have I been so respectful that my Parents think I hate men, have I been so private that everyone thinks so because I got the very same question on my DM. Have I been sleeping on myself so bad?

So I answered “No. I love men” an answer that shook my Mom so much I heard her say “I hope you don’t love them too much” I thought she left the room. My Dad made me realise that love and marriage are an amazing gift from God and if I am ready I should ask to God, and God who answers all the time, will answer me even for a life partner.

My Dad made me feel proud that I never put them in a position of fighting my love battles (which I had plenty of) that I have the strength to hold my own until I am ready to share it with them and he also made me feel like I am not alone, I AM LOVED BY MY FAMILY incase a man makes me feel unloved, that I am so loved that they called me Lerato (love)

Now after I assured my Dad that I am not lesbian and my Mom that I dont love just any Man, I became so proud of myself that my Parents trust my judgement so much that they gave me a choice to be who I want to be with. That they respected me so much that they asked me about it, not get involved it, that they reminded me about my freedom of choice when it comes to a men while they let me know to allow God to be part of that choice and also understanding the reasons behind me taking my time with marriage and kids.

I always thought I am too mature for my age, how I handle things, How I view things, I always thought I am naive for wanting to be okay emotionally and physically, for fighting and trying but to know that all these traits I possess allowed my Parents to rest their trust on me, to know I am a big girl, to be concerned about me but still at ease with me because they raised a woman. Its an honour

I am not one who loves to dwell in pain, I try my best to see the bright side even when I feel the darkness dragging me to a deep hole but I cant seem to get away from the pain of losing you.

Grandmother, you died in June 2014, I dont remember the date but I know it was during my Marketing Research Final Exam, I know that I went into the exam hall with my mind blank, I know that after the exam I didn’t even know what I wrote, My classmates were discussing the paper, section by section and I didn’t even know what they were talking about, I managed to get a distinction and every time I think it’s because you were there, you must have been there. Before I left home to Bloemfontein every semester, I would go to you, bow right infront of you and you will pray for blessing and somehow I would step outside knowing that I will kill every module and so I did.

I got the call at 3 am, just after studying, the plan was to wake up at 6 and prepare for my 9 am exam, I couldn’t sleep, I was awake…thinking about how you raised me, what you taught me, how you drew on the sand while we sitting under the tree telling me stories about your childhood, some I didn’t believe while others scared me but mostly you taught me God, you told me Jesus was my friend, stories about the Crucifixion, you made me believe that I am not alone, and when I did something wrong, Boy did I get a whipping and after that you would make me realise how much my actions would affect people.

I reminisced on the day I asked you about love, I wanted to know how to recognise it or what to do and you said “Love will always choose you and when it does, Never hurt it because love happens once” I failed you grandma, I chose love that didn’t choose me many times, I am even ashamed to admit and now I am aware and I know that you knew what I would go through thats why you told me God is always real and true, when love fails me I should hand my heart to Him, thank you for being real.

I remember when we went to gather wood, I dont know why you still insisted that we do but I loved getting out of the yard so I followed you. I remember we got attacked, I remember I went Crazy, I was Batista for a moment, A 13 year old fighting for her grandmother like she is insane, you looked at the man and said “Your grandmother will be ashamed” he paused, pushed me to the ground and ran away, thats when I realised grandmothers are heaven sent.

You were not educated, you did not know how to read so I read for you, little did I know that me reading for you was actually practice, I love reading now, I read everything and sometimes I wonder if I had not read for you, would I even know so much about things that dont even affect me, would I know how to reason and give facts the way I do? NO! I would be another woman walking around with an empty mind, thinking that life revolves around me.

Evelyn, I need to get over your passing, it’s 6 years now and I still feel cold every June, Not because its winter but because you were my sunshine, every morning you loved to sit on the blue chair by the window, you loved to sing and tap your feet, I would hear your rhythm and know there is hot tea by the stove, So I would run to you and we would sit there till its warm enough to go outside.

You are not here and I feel your absence but I have kept all that you have taught me, I am selfless and I love God, I am gentle and I am strong, I am tough as a rock and I am kind, I love Jesus and I try to do right, I have 3 Qualifications (Its actually 5) 😊and I am not yet married, I listen to my Parents and I love people.

Thank you for being a fair Grandmother, who taught me the truth no matter how hard it was.

P.S I love you

All my bad choices, heading for danger with my eyes wide open, I can’t help but think maybe I could have had children by now… Maybe! I could have named them after beautiful stars and fill them with love, I could be singing lullabies and watch them drift to sleep, I could be feeding them, teaching them everything My mom taught me and maybe now I could be looking into their eyes and see me however…

This prayer is dedicated to their father.

God. I know when the time is right I will give birth to beautiful children, I know that they will be the greatest gift you will give me, I know they will represent your kingdom and I know they will be loved by you and also I KNOW YOU WILL GIVE THEM A LOVING FATHER. who never breaks his promises, who will never forget the important things, tiny details that will make their world great.

Lord bless my children with a father who will prove that love is not a mistake, who will not only speak of love but show it greatly in different ways, from the way he disciplines to the way he comforts them.

Give my children a Father who will not be afraid to own up to his responsibilities, shown up on school plays, remember important dates and hold thrm up when they trip against a rock.

When Monsters whisper in the dark and the night falls on their shoulders and nightmares feel real, let him be their hero, let them hold that S on his chest, be the superman, Give him the strength to be whatever superhero they may need.

I pray that when we find out, in any way that we are expecting, when the bu bles start forming in my womb, let his love send vibrations to the unborn blessing, that he may feel wanted, accepted… I don’t want my baby to fight for his life before its even born.

God I pray that my children get to witness their father loving me, that they may never witness abuse and hurt. That they may see their parents loving each other in truth, in holy matrimony, in pain, in happiness. That they may see that love wins, that love is not only taken but also given. Don’t let them see love as failure, as rejection, as complication and confusion. Help me and their Father demonstrate the kind of love they deserve so they may know how IT FEELS TO BE LOVED, so they may never miss the feeling.

God.

Right now protect Him from anything that may try to steal his joy, protect him from anything that will try to destroy his future for his future includes me and our children. Protect him from anything that will make him feel like he is not enough, from women who will give him the wrong idea of love, from friends who will delay him, from habits that will destroy him and the feelings that will make him believe he doesn’t deserve a good woman (like me of course😂) and a happy family.

😂Lord, I may not know him or I may have met him or I haven’t replied to His DM yet😂, maybe I am not even looking his direction … Just make in him a man that our children would run to, would open up to, would lean on and call to. Save him from blood thirsty women who only want a trophy relationship, women who will give him toxic love and sleepless nights filled with regrets.

This is for the man who will someday help me raise my children, I don’t know when will that be but God I pray that we would both be ready.