When you have done all you could for something you love or someone, that you have fought and tried your best to be everything and more, gave commitnent while dealing with insecurities, forgave even when the betrayal cut deep, kept coming back even when you been rejected a thousand times, LET GO.

Relationships

I know people, I have been part of those people, who would take a bullet for someone they love, not family or friends, A partner, a girlfriend, a boyfriend, a fiance, drop everything to start a life with them or maybe go out of your way to become what you never thought you would or do what you never thought you could just to have them, You have been there, She has been there, He has been there, I have been there and we all have been there, Its normal to, Its called love however you need to know when to finay pick your love and leave with it even when your feet can’t carry you, the want you to Stay… Take your love and walk away.

Let people be, If its yours it will happen, it will want you as much as you want it and it will show you like you deserve to. I have learned that the hard way, from my first hard break which I didn’t see coming because I was head over heels, boo’d up, to a point where I met a person I wanted to build with, you can love so deeply and still lose not because you did anything wrong or cheated or nagged, only because you are loving the one who doesn’t want your love, pick up your toothbrush and your little loving heart, walk on out. Even though its hard, your heartaches and your life is used to having this person around not only in the good but the bad, their worst and their best, You need to take up the courage to allow them to have love even if its not from you if they believe your love is not what they need, Let them be, love them enough to set them free, let them fly to what they seek or the kind of love they imagine for themselves and do so with a clean heart, wish them well and heal.

Love is a beautiful thing, it comes when you are not even looking, love opens your eyes to parts of yourself you never knew you had, love always finds us, when we are broken, full of scars, even when we dont believe in it anymore, it comes in a form of a human being who is going to appreciate and love all the things you do, sacrifice and how you carry yourself, it will all be enough for them, they wouldn’t wantb to be without your love and then you will understand why it didnt work with the previous person.

I know that people may regret their actions, people have a way of realising what they had when its gone, maybe they wont and maybe you wont even receive an apology for what they put you through, maybe you will never receive their call or even hear their voice but be okay with that, be okay with giving them their freedom, for giving them things the way they wanted, be okay with hurting your way out of the past, be okay with knowing that you gave your best and thats all you had to offer, Its okay to have loved and lost, its okay to cry over a person you visioned a future with but this time cry and move at the same time, this time give them all the space they need and never look back even if it hurts you inside, know better than to stay in a hurtful circle of back and forth, THIS TIME CHOOSE YOURSELF and let down your weapons, there is no shame in losing when you fought till the end.

What you lost in the fire, God will give back to you 100 times, Your laughter, your time, your dignity, your pride…God will give them back to you 100 times in ways you never thought were possible no lies, no uncertainty, no crying almost every season, no unnecessary fights, no lack of communication, God is a giver of beautiful tjingsm

I am writing this because I know women, I am one, A woman can hide evidence while she is bleeding just to protect a man she loves, a woman will carry a child of a man who had never proven himself just because of love, a woman will stay and stay and stay and stay just because they love somebody so much and they would wonder if this person know just how much they would give just to be there but DARLING, JUST LET IT GO.

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R1500, that was the grand opening to my bank account. I WORKED ALL MONTH FOR IT, I was hoping it would be more but I guess we all start somewhere. we called it a stipend, I received it for 12 months, I had to survive from it, Hair, toiletries and clothes, of course my parents helped but we don’t all come from famalies that can afford to give us huge allowance so I had to make my way through with that much and nobody noticed a thing, only few people knew the strain I felt, by day I am an intern for R1500, by night I am a part time student.

Second base was a job that paid R4500 and this time I felt I needed to stand on my own so I told my parents to never spend any more money on me. I will pay for my rent, food and other essentials, it was hard, imagine how much the rent caused, the hair, food, electricity yet still the cru of my heart was to give my parents a break, even though I couldn’t handle the heat some tomb, I would look at these beautiful ladies with everything, From luxurious hair to beautiful shoes and I wanted all those but I couldn’t because I had a goal.

Let me throw this out there , I thank God I never had the courage to find Minister of Finance, Minister of Transport or even ways to get through that meant me sacrificing myself to get by however I would say not too many of us are strong enough not to seek help from an older, wealthy man, and if you are a female readinh this and you never worked night shift for the long inches and fancy nails, I AM PROUD OF YOU SIS, WE NEVER GET CREDIT FOR STRIVING THROUGH DIFFICULY AND PRESERVING OURSELVES THROUGH IT ALL.

I found myself needing strength from within, fighting to get through, looking at people who have so much and wishing I did too, hating where I come from, hating how hard I had to hustle and I felt it was unfair, until I got Atleast something that could sustain me and mine.

Yes. Nobody saw. Yes I was craving the glitz and glampur, yes I am a go and zi love hair and shoes and I couldn’t afford it AND YES, I WISHED I HAD IT EASIER but Looking at myself now, I thank God I went through it, I thank God I held my head up high and wore my pumps every morning to work, I thank God I cried TO HIM for help, not any man, not any god, not even my parents.

I thank God I held on, I thank God I didn’t quit. I am not yet there and I don’t know what will happen but I am becoming and everyday I am learning to be better than I was yesterday, it’s not easy but its worth the fight

Not even once did I speak ill of anyone, not even once did I try to push somebody down, from day 1 my mind was on my money, my life, my family, my future, my children

I do regret opening up to some people they way I did, they didn’t deserve to know me that way, I regret loving and giving so much to people who only gave back hurt, shame and regret. As a person who grew up with a family that believed in sharing what we have, as a person who had to fight my way up with almost nothing, get my qualifications from conditions I can’t explain, I know how it feels like to need, to need love, to need a friend, to need a snack, to need a shoulder to cry on

So I gave, gave to people who had no idea how valuable time, love and care is.

And today, Everything in my bank account is me, big or small, it’s me and I am proud that I can stand on my own too feet and realise no one owes me anything, realise no one has power to control my thoughts and stop me from being who I want to be, not even my past, people who hurt me, what I went through and where I come from.

Get your money girl, your own pace, your own race, your own way, bury the past and set yourself free, think about your family, think about your future and bow down to pray when things don’t go away. People will question your strength, they will wonder where you get your strength and if you have helped them for years, they will question your loyalty just because when you meet challenges, you attack them head on and make it look so easy when they can’t, so they will call your strength witchcraft or something inhuman, that’s because you are made of Devine material, something that stands pressure and make it look holy.

Go get your life girl, sleep at night and hand your worries to God, let Him take care of that hurt, enxiety, failure.heal fr

Heal from the loss, recover from the abuse, break the curse, lead that family, be a different woman, a different breed, don’t let the past take away your chance to be happy, go get your life, no

Crazy title huh? Very brutal, so insensitive, very cruel.. Right? And maybe something a descent person should never say. Why is it that people are quick to realise the chaos in others but fail to see the clutter in their soul? It’s denial, it’s believing that what you are and how you react is okay because someone or something made you this way, ITS SELF DEFENCE, RIGHT?

It’s okay not to be okay, it’s okay to feel like a storm, it’s okay to have fear now and then and maybe be confused, it’s okay to feel under pressure, it’s okay to feel like reality is something you don’t want to face, JUST DON’T STAY THERE TOO LONG.

I can’t explain this enough, no one said life will be easy, I am sorry you feel frustrated, I am sorry your friends are thousand steps further than you, I am sorry it didn’t work out and whatever you feel, FEEL IT.

FEEL IT TO THE BONE, BLEED IN IT, SINK IN IT, DON’T DWELL IN IT.

We hold on to a lot, there is so much chaos in us that we lose out on wonderful things that should take place, there is so much we have accepted, that we have sealed and protected and all that clatter destroys, it takes away the beauty, let it go.

I had anger issues, I hid them well, my anger is silence but my reaction is a blackout. I kept so much in, introverts will understand that it’s not easy talking about things we encounter, with that being said, my respond to anything was silence even though I felt fire bursting in my chest. I got separated from people when I went away from home to varsity, the more time I spent with myself the more I was convinced that I am okay, until someone pushes me, until someone provokes those demons, then I lose control of reality and I would call it self defence because I am far away from my family, I am on survival mode, I am a small person, short and fragile so when I fought in any way, I made sure I WIN, THAT WAS A PROBLEM AND I TAUGHT MYSELF TO BELIEVE THAT “YOU ARE A ONE WOMAN ARMY, ITS OKAY”

Then when I get caught up with family, still I would observe and be silent until I break, which in most cases ended up in tears, I am crying because I love the person I am fighting with and deep down I know I can’t spit bullets like I suaally do fighting with strangers, I can’t break bad and lose control because this person is a part of me so I cry the anger out when I walk away then claim to “take a walk” but honestly, I knew that I had to separate myself.

The other day from class, I was 20 years old, a group of savage girls decided its good to peek on a nerd, They thought it was funny to play a little trick on me, let’s just say…they caught me on a bad day, the “buttons” I talked about, they pressed all the right ones, later I remember going to the girls bathroom and my eyes were red and not from crying, I was another person, It was as though I smoked something, but instead of getting me high, it gave me multiple characters and I was Hulk.

I had to break down into portions and find out why I was angry and why do I hide it so well, on a normal day I am laughing, smiling, I love people, I love God but when I turn, I become a person I can’t even identify.

I unplugged everything, broke it down, BY MYSELF, worked on it, became selective of the people I bring close, the energy I accept, I started choosing who I reply to, separating myself from people who don’t add into what I want to achieve, and that was healing.

Not everyone is gossiping about you, not everyone is jealous of you, not everyone is out to get you, find out why you have those thoughts. Don’t be proud of the fact that you burst out open, become an explosion when you are angry, no… Find out what hurt you.

Don’t exalt yourself just because you come from a dangerous family, a family known as one not to be messed with, don’t run toward your own death because you are notorious. Why?

It’s okay to have a lot on your plate, depression is real, generational curses are real, pain is real, fear is real but don’t let all these paralyse you, get you stuck in one position, deal with it, when you do, face the truth. Face the truth about the people you keep, what your family did, what you are going through, don’t let it swallow you.

Now do you understand why I used this title?

Is there such a person? The right person? Equally yoked? Or soul mate? He that my heart is in sync with? Will he complete my sentences? Will we get along in almost everything? Is he the one? HOW WILL I KNOW.

All this is unnecessary, I try not to think about it because the truth is, there is no perfect person, we all are try the best that we can, we all have skeletons in our closets and some of us have the most aweful reputation, now wouldn’t I be lying to myself if I expect the PERFECT Person?

Here is an idea of perfect to me…

A beautiful mind, a mind of its own, not afraid to believe or stand for something even if you stand alone, now thats a beautiful man to me. He believes the truth behind his own discoveries, his mind is unlimited and he digs deep into his curiosity, when he speaks he never holds back, he does it with great respect and authority, he doesn’t need to prove a point, the passion in his voice details every fact like it’s scientifically proven even though its just a thought he produced from experience and life.

My perfect man is flawed, he almost gets it right but most times he doesn’t, he forgets important dates but he plans ahead, he shuts down when he is hurting and he is fragile but never shows it, sometimes he doesn’t know what to do, solutions are not at the top of his mind for every problem, he gets excited over tiny little efforts and he craves for not alcohol all the times but a chocolate bar and fruits because it he is human.

I imagine him listening to music because it reminds him of time and flashbacks of when life used to be simple, he shows up, handles his responsibilities and he lives his life. He doesn’t live his life according to ekay spectators request, he does impress the crowd at the expense of his respect, he doesn’t take whats not his unless if not taken care, he is vulnerable and he is courageous, that’s how the one should be….

The one, my one, my Mr Right know what it means to struggle, he doesn’t flaunt money to impress people who will never contribute to his success, he takes soundful decisions that benefit his life, he strives in pressure, the expands in challenges, he grows in misery, he doesn’t pretend to be something he is not

He knows what’s at stake, he doesn’t gamble with people who have nothing to lose, he takes mature risks, he loves family, he loves himself enough to be honest in admitting his faults, he is gentle with himself, he takes care of his business in recession, in every season, in inflation, he takes care of his business anyway.

My Mr Right won’t have to be exactly like Me, think the way I do or even experience what I have, I swear to God if he is anything close to perfect I would run away from him, far far away, If he says the right things I would hide from him, if he has his life in track and everything in place I would definitely pretend like he doesn’t exists.

If he calls on time, walks right, has tight muscles, a strong chin, with great financial record, perfect car, right fashion, smooth talker, I AM GOING TO RUN AWAY FROM HIM, he is too good to be true.

Don’t take me wrong, there are men who are the full package, ready made men, flawless men, spiritual men, put together men, but all these men sound too artificial, too engineered, more like a robot or a machine

Give me that faithful man, that respectful man, the one who forgets to comb his hair then hides underneath a beanie, the one who prays, believes and is realistic enough to tell me when he is doubting his own faith, the unhinged one, the one who has a childhood made of brick cars and mud, the one who still calls his mom, the scared one, the nervous one, the one who feels sympathy for beggers and supports street vendors, the one who treats everyone with respect no matter what they have

The one who will look at me and not see what the rest of the world sees, who will walk with me in high heels, sneakers or pumps, the one who will see me in my weakness and strength and still love me the same.

See most women have a perfect image of their Mr Right, he probably has a German car, perfect legacy so she may live like a Queen, he probably smells nice, he is funny, he is financially stable and famous, goes to best restaurants, takes great pictures, he has relationship goals, everyone knows him and he is handsome… Okay, you go girl!!!!!

My Mr Right is way too different, he probably cried last night, be probably has no 6 pack, maybe he not so pleasing to the eye, or has a bad reputation, a tattoo that starts from his next to his toes, you probably might know his ex and she is way different than me, he might be part of church home cell or a leader at some political party, maybe he is a DJ or probably a Pastor, let’s say His family is rich or he is the bread winner.

Whoever he is, or if he exists he is not going to fit my imagination of how a perfect man should be or sound like, he is a living, walking person and if it feels right with him then I am RIGH

Rolling on the floor, questions splashed like pieces of broken glass.
Bleeding for more than just foot steps towards the door.
Craving enough to consume poison, so desperate for him to stay.
Yet no remorse or regret, he left her that way.

Self esteem ravished by inner demons,
Who tell her she will never be more than what he wanted.
Cuts on the wrists and pain where no soul has touched.
Dark clouds cover her temple by night and when day comes fire burns down her walls.
Still, he felt nothing.

Days and weeks have passed and she learned to love her scars.
Rain feels different like a song with healing lyrics.
Her body moves with the wind, light footsteps, no heavy heart.
He remembered what he lost and misses the sound of her name.
He left her and now she is has done the same.

Someone might call the above pictures “NUDITY” or inappropriate or someone might even be judgmental and ask me “you, of all people? ” while others might see it as an opportunity to slide into my DM’s for a hook up just to try out what they see because for some reason, women who appear like this on pictures lack self respect, Right?

I am a black woman, for years I have been struggling to love parts of myself that people don’t cheer for or clap for, YES…my body being the greatest Part. I hated my cellulite, my thick thighs, my short legs, my thick waist and my butt which didn’t seem to balance, since I thought my thighs took away all the fat and left my butt with so little… Oh yes, and the butt dimples, I hated those so much, I wished I could fill them up, make them less visible.

I hated being around thin girls, with long legs and tight skin, I felt like my fat belly and thick thighs made me look ugly and all over the place, like my body shakes like jelly when I walk, see I have very soft skin, very soft and it’s very easy for cellulite to make an appearance, you should see it on certain pictures, looking like bumps all over, I USED TO HATE IT SO MUCH. The fact that my soft skin takes longer to heal so scars are visible for long, the fact that acne attacks me during that time of the month, the fact that I have to be careful not to show off.

But something happened, my eyes opened or my mind, which ever one it is

I looked at myself and saw this veyy sad body waiting to be loved, every inch of my brown skin, every stretch mark, every scar, every curve. I saw a body changing, longing to be part of me, it’s like My soul was far from my body and my eyes were attracted to perfectly shaped bodies and I forgot my own flawed, uneven, birth marked body.

Oh yes, the birth marks, I have birth marks all over my body, they are actually darker than my normal skin tone, some are on my chest, when my breast grew, the skin stretched so they aren’t really visible now, I got more on my thighs and some on my legs and I remember people teasing me so much for them growing until I heard a word deep in my heart “Those are my marks, I marked you” crazy huh? You probably reading this and thinking “so you hear from God now?” Yes, I do… That’s why I promised myself to never get a tattoo because I am tattooed all over my body, these birthmarks are God way of reminding me that He made me so different and no one will understand it, I heard it loud and clear, It was a problem until I decided to love it.

So I took the above pictures the other day, trust me it’s probably the last time you see me this way, I am usually fully clothed and simple but I took these to celebrate myself, to say I LOVE ME, I LOVE THE BODY I AM IN. It might not be the Kim Kardashian factor, The Beyonce Hit or the Tyra Banks slim and tall temple but it’s my TEMPLE and it covers me very well.

IT’S MY KIND OF SEXY, it’s the body that will carry my children, future leaders, I am sure only 1% of models will choose this body, so I am right to say it’s not fit for the run way or size 28 photoshoots, or maybe the best frame but I LOVE IT.

Many people have failed to protect me, many people rushed to blust me out the second the seat got hot, many people forgot to defend me, many people forgot to stand by me, many people forgot to keep my dignity like I kept their’s , many people stripped me naked infront of everyone just so they may receive Favour, most people stripped me naked and exposed my flaws to the world, they ironed my dirty laundry where everyone can see, they played me dirty, they forgot the things I protected about them the minute they got a chance to expose my vulnerability so because I know how that feels and because I got nothing left to prove, because all that I am has been laid out for everyone to see let me introduce this temple to you, let me expose the good thing about me to you, let me expose the greatness of God’s creation to you, let me expose the best part of me to you let me expose the shell that covers this beautiful soul writing this to you.

So this is the closest to being NUDE I could ever be, like I said, This might be the last time you see me like this, or maybe the first time, or maybe few times but whatever number it may be, know that I love this unhinged shell I am in, the one that requires me to breathe in on high waist jeans, the one that only wears skinny jeans, the one where I have to be careful with how much I expose because everything is too much to see for a chubby woman, thick woman, big woman but I am this woman and I learned to love

A partner who understands your backround is a blessing.

Some people have gathered from my blog that I was one of the many who were born not with not so much in their parents bank account or even livestock to make a living. The thoughts of being disadvantaged sometimes bring horror and hurt, sometimes they make a person bitter for people who have had enough which is what I pray to God to everyday, that I may never look at those who had better and jealousy forms in my heart, that I may not look at them and think they know nothing about struggle, that’s why when someone even begins to think I have bitterness towards people who had it better gets me to a dark place, a place I am fighting not to be in, because they don’t know the fight I have put in to accept my backround and fight for better.

However my main battle is the side effects of survival and struggle

Allowing myself to work on me and nor where I have been, the truth is is before I have to look at myself, the clothes I wear, the food I eat, the work I do, I look at my family first, to take them out of the hurt and the struggle.

Before I buy a car, I buy a few groceries, before I buy a house, I take care of my parents own, before I buy an expensive weave or new shoes, I look at what they do not have and I wonder if the weave is worthy. So if you don’t see an IPhone, If you don’t see Peruvian or Brazilian weave or long nails or new shoes, know that my family is fed, if I could, I would change it and because I want to change it, I work on it every day, When they put in 50% of the work because they know they have something to fa back on, like their parents money, I put 100% work in because that’s what my parents couldn’t give so I can’t afford not to.

Now a partner who understands that my wife, my girlfriend can’t afford the fancy dress, fancy shoes, fancy phone, top quality Instagram pictures because she is taking care of many people than herself is a blessing, a partner who sees the efforts, inner battles and needs of their significant other is a blessing.

To any woman who has ever had to out her needs to the side, every woman who went to school, starved and brought back the degree, to every woman who never got a sugar daddy to get the things she desires, to every woman who was cheated on because she couldn’t afford to put manicure on her fingers and long luxuries hair wihh beautiful Instagram pictures. I AM SORRY SIS AND YOU WILL MAKE IT

Find love, find it and and take it and live with it. Be very careful not to destroy it for something that unique doesn’t happen twice.

Allow it to heal you, allow it to give you a reason to believe anything you went through has ended. Let love overflow in you, don’t hide it.

It’s not in gold or silver, it’s not in the type of skin one is alive in, Love is not her hair, his wallet, their opinion or your past…its what you felt as a child when mom was cooking your favorite meal, all other “better” meals didnt matter.

It’s freedom to be yourself and sometime it’s hard to define, sometimes it’s hard to put in actions, sometimes it’s just a smile or a choice, a decision to keep choosing it not matter what.

Grandmother said “something real can not be threatened”

Let me repeat that

SOMETHING REAL CAN NOT BE THREATENED

I am done being scared of losing people I love because of the amount of work and energy I put in, because when push comes to shove, the same understanding you give, the same love, the same chances you give end up eating you up and you wish you never cared or even gave.

Thats the reality of pushing too hard, the force is unbalanced, no one pulls you back, you push because you want love, you push because you want stability, you push because you want something right but at the end, the pushing is all for nothing, people will believe what they want, they will walk away as far as they want, hold you against whatever they want and if it feels right to them, every little bit of it, if it feels right, if it gives them peace, if it sets them free, no matter what you want, no matter what you know, Let them fly.

I wish I let you into all the things you needed to you.
Maybe I wanted to escape to a world different to my own, you felt like home.
Even when you saw the signs, even when my heart turned cold.
Just when I thought you’ll walk down the door, just when I thought you’ll call me immature, you held me close.
Keep me there, please, hold me there.
Hold me till I forget my past and these demons rest.
Hold me this way everytime I fall apart.
My head against your chest, my arms around your flesh, this is what I only dreamt of.
Your heart beat in rhythm with mine to remind me, I AM ALIVE.

Let me believe in a love that restores faith.
Let me surrender to the possibilities that I am deserving of peace.
Whisper to my ears words I fail to speak to myself.
For some reason, you believe I am worth a CHANCE.
For some reason you call me a blessing.
For some reason you want to spend your whole life with me and I am honored.

After the shame, after war has ended and I fall to my knees from being everyone’s hero, you save me from myself.
It’s not attention you seek, it’s not the arms of another woman you find comfort in.
You walk with me in the smoke, you kiss me in the fire and I will rather burn to ashes with you, I would rather be broken with you, I will rather build with you.
Because you are everything God intended a man to be.