I am not what you have heard from the lips of men who praise beauty and perfection.
I am not a garden of flowers, beaming deligently to the sun’s caresses.
If museums held art, I am the story unspoken behind the walls.
when soldiers return from war, I am the sounds they run away from in their sleep, I am deep.

Sometimes your soul calls for me when nights are long and cold.
Yet through your pride I slip away and wonder around your forbidden happiness.
You pack me away together with the skeletons in your closet, I see you hoping I am not real and you believe your own lies.
Still I am patient, waiting for the day you realise.
That I am the reason your legacy will begin.
In my hands I will hold your heir and build you into a tower of hope.
And thats my curse, that I will forever see in you what you cant see in yourself.

I am not a song that reminds you of hope.
I am a sound of thousand thunder storms, a beautiful chaos.
When women curl their hair, when scents of sugar and flowers escape their skin, I am the reminder of what you always wanted but forgot.
I am what you always deserved yet always betrayed, I am the only truth in the midst of the lies you live.
When you look into the mirror and become amazed by the work of the creator, I am the helper to the man staring back at you.

And if they have deceived you with their smooth tongues, lured by the temporary treasures you hold like your youth that will some day fade away, your wealth that will never speak for you on your death bed, your smile that turns sour when the sun goes down. I am your deliverance.
I am a home you will run to when you finally forgive your past.
And the comfort you will seek when your wounds ache and your heart bleeds.
I am the magic you will need to make all the pain disappear.

By then it will be too late to realize, I was never what you wanted, I was what you needed.
I was was not made to wait for the day you realise what men do with women like me.
I should have been the first place you ran to when skeletons in your closet called your name.
What a sad way to realize that not all that glitters is gold.
Look at the diamond you lost in me only because for that moment I was covered in mud.
Look at what you have just lost.

L. P Nondeyi

This should change you, this should change the way you see life and this should take you back on everything you have done and forgive yourself, this should be an opportunity to be okay in your own space, this should be an opportunity to restore all the broken pieces, the emptiness, this time that you have been given alone, with people you love should be a time you become true to who you are, honest with all your lies, find peace within yourself, get rid of the loads that you’ve been carrying just to get by, this time should be an opportunity to get back to yourself.

A lot has been happening, we lost people we love, we felt used at some point in our lives, we carried scars and traumas from the past, we dont speak to certain family members, we are not happy with ourselves, we sit in our rooms and we looks at our peers, what they have, what we dont have and hearts bleed every night thinking of the times we lost, we are tired of being bread winners, THE TRUTH IS, YOU NEEDED THIS BREAK.

You were drowning in a toxic work place, it was just a matter of time before you snap and lose it but God needed to give you this break. The relationship you were in was consuming you, you were giving more than you were receiving and the fighter in you couldn’t let it go even if holding on hurt more than being alone, you needed this time to reflect on what you deserve and rediscover your worth, you were almost at the verge of a break down, everything around you was falling apart and the alcohol was a coping mechanism not to look at what you are losing, at least not being sober took away the feeling for a little, you needed this rehab.

A lot of lives were lost and the past days we have seen how life can end any minute of any day. People dont want to be left alone with their own thoughts because the things we think of when no one is around are too deep, so as destruction we rather be around friends than our own thoughts, truth is you need to deal with the things you think of yourself, the pity party you throw. the guilt and shame behind every joke you tell and maybe the reason behind the anger and bitterness.

Use this time to accept things you cant change. Yesterday when I got to my place I asked God “Why you make me this way?” because I realised during this season where we have been so careful not to be infected,, my heart has been so heavy thinking about people who have died, seeing the look in my Presidents eyes, hearing the anxiety on my moms voice when she asks me “Lerato otla neng haye?” and I have to work through until lockdown because I want the pay to be by my side, all these battles I m fighting of plans I had that now need to be postponed and I feel like its delaying me SO I BOWED DOWN AND TOLD GOD THAT I CANT CONTROL EVERYTHING, I SURRENDER.

This time should remind us of what we already know but have forgotten that life is not a race, we are all trying our best and to some people it will come easier and others it might be hard, others are helped to get what they have, others have to dig way deep, others have to do unspeakable things to have material things, while others have to save up because they want it the right way but in any way, this is not a race now be at your own lane, you have been running in other people speed because you want what they have even thought you dont know how they got it, this is the time to restart, breathe and do it again in your own fashion.

I am hoping to take this time as an emotional and spiritual rehab, patch things up with God, be more real with myself, face those demons I have been dealing with, get rid of the toxic, so if this is the end then everything will end with me clean, THIS IS REHAB TIME, JUST WHAT I NEED, What do you need to recover from, use this time.

In addition, lets be safe, lets protect ourselves and be law abiding citizens.

I pray for you reading this, you and your family and everyone you love.

I use scripture Deuteronomy 7:15 in your life that no sickness will over power you, I declare the protection from above, the powers of heaven to keep you safe, your family and loved ones. You will not lose anyone to this virus, You will not suffer from this virus, The Bible says even if we eat something poisonous, it will not kill us Mark 16:18, I speak this scripture to you and your family with loved ones today

I will not die, but live, And tell of the works of the LORD. Psalm 118:17

I speak heavenly covering at work, at the taxi rank, in the bathroom, supermarkets, malls, restaurants, wherever you find yourself, Angel Micheal is protecting you.

As you walk and you think of this Virus, may you rest assured and never doubt with great faith that God is looking over everything you love, He has His hands on everything that is close to your heart.

I stand against the spirit of fear for we know where it comes from, this is a battle Satan will never win for He was defeated long ago, He will never take the souls of those who do not belong to Him until their rightful time to depart is near.

May your coming in and going out be be kept by the Lord.

AND FATEHR AS YOUR CHILDREN WE ASK THAT YOU FORGIVE US, IN ANY WAY WE COULD HAVE WRONGED AND SINNED AGAINST YOU, PLEASE HEAL OUR LAND

On behalf of my family God, in whatever way we might have wronged you, hurt you, shamed you, FORGIVE US. On behalf of my family (Also make this personal to your family) please teach us how to be what you want us to be, please show us how to handle the fear, please keep us from breaking our faith. My family and I are turning from our wicked ways, PLEASE HEAL OUR LAND.

Amen.

I hope this prayer you prayed in your heart, I took the liberty to pray for everyone and be personal focusing on my family in the end and you can personalise it to your family too, mention them by names

Let me be sincere, I don’t love it here.

Honestly if I was wiser, I would have made a better decision but I decided to be here, sometimes I ask God why He allowed it but I know that ALL THINGS WORK TOGETHER FOR THE GOOD OF THOSE WHO TRUST IN HIM.

That’s the only reason that gives me some hope that Here, Where I am, God was not asleep when I landed and if I had stayed, His grace would have still been there and now that I am here, His grace is still here.

It’s all a mystery and all so disturbing sometime but I rest assured that He knew me before I was born so He knew years before I knew that I would be here.

I love it here only because I am not alone, He is here.

Wherever you are, no matter how it feels, YOU ARE NOT ALONE

*Unedited

I can’t sleep and no it’s not because of Covid 19 even though the thought of it makes my skin crawl but I believe God has this under control. I am living in a world where people are having it difficult to believe in a God they haven’t seen and many don’t think He exists and I am not going to fight or question what power they believe in BUT TO ME HE IS GOD and I know my family and Loved ones are all under His care.

Like I said, This is not about Covid 19 a.k.a Corona Virus, this is about the deep worship I am feeling now, the kind that is making vulnerable to Him, for some reason I am crying to God and I am telling Him how I AM TOTALLY FOR HIM, I am asking for strength, I am asking him to take the laziness away, I am asking Him to help me remember at all times that He is God and I should not raise from the dead the things that He has killed.

It’s hard to understand God’s plans when they don’t correspond with your own, it’s like you can twist His hand and let Him play the game the way you see it fit, that is just another way of deceiving yourself because God is never wrong.

I am crying because finally I surrender, finally I am not fighting His will, finally I am letting go of all the control I love having on things, I am letting go of certain conditions, situations, I am forgiving and I am crying because I am forgiving deep things, hurtful things, betrayals and shame and I am going back to where he wants me and it took me a lot of burns and aches because I am stubborn.

When I asked God to help me forgive I thought it will be like the movies, 5 stages of healing and all those funny little scenes of meeting the past and suddenly it does not hurt… well, it hurts like hell, but I am letting go of all that burden not for anyone but for myself.

I am worshiping because I need change and I am seeing beyond Corona Virus and that Me, my family and loved ones will survive it. I am seeing above anything else that Satan will use because I am an overcomer. I am worshiping for my husband for he deserves a woman who has dealt with her rubbish, for my kids because when I shout at them, I don’t want it to be out frustration, to the group of employees I will have because they don’t deserve to experience what I have experienced in the work place, I don’t have to take it out on them, for people who look at my videos and hope to find something worth while, I don’t want to spit lies, IF I SAY IT, LET ME LIVE IT. I am crying because I want God desperately to break everything He didn’t build in me, I am crying because I need to grow out of pain, I need to be above what anyone has done to me, I need to live this peace that I preach, I need to create this happiness for myself.

I don’t know what battle you are fighting, I don’t know how many people you are lying to, I don’t know who betrayed you, I don’t know why you are crying the way you do, I don’t know who took what you worked hard for, I don’t know why you feel this pain, I don’t know why you are looking down on yourself but I want to tell you that Jesus Died for you even if you were the only sinner in the whole world HE WOULD HAVE STILL DIED FOR YOU. You are to die for. Go and hide in the room and cry to your God who hears your cry for help and attends to it like thunder.

If that man abused you, leave your heart in God’s hands and He will lay it in the hands of a man who is deserving of it.

If they wanted you to sleep your way to the top of the corporate ladder and you refused, baby girl stand high and look to the God who rewards His children.

If the whole household is resting on your shoulders, as a man you see others living for themselves and buying their own cars and your money goes on feeding your family, wipe away those suicide thoughts from your mind, allow God to be your strength. Its hard when you cant tell where your money goes but no good deed is ever unnoticed, He will help you.

If today no one has said Thank you, if no one has ever appreciated your sacrifices and no one has ever held your arms up when you are tired… God is busy working on your blessing and no man on earth would ever be able to stop it, no one will ever understand, all they will do is ask how it happened, tell them “GOD DID IT”

To everyone, I pray God protects you from this virus,I cover you with His blood.

I am in love with 3 men, I tried choosing between the 3 of them and I realized, I JUST CAN’T. I love them seperately and I need them to accept my forth man because for some reason I feel He is about to be a big part of our love circle.

My God, My Father and My brother.

Those are the 3 men.

I don’t know what was in your mind but this is not another love triangle, this is a plead for blessings. I love God so much that I dont find sense without him, my relationship with Him sometimes needs a bit of work and it’s on my part, I run from him when I feel like His will is too much for me to handle and I go back again when the world has stripped me naked and He loves me anyway.

Then my father

The man who taught me how I should be loved, the man I ran to when I hurt myself as a child, His love has always been so truthful, my father has never hidden the truth from me. A spade has always been a spade, never had he had to sugarcoat anything to fit my liking, my father has been my hero but he has also let me fight. Sometimes I had to actually ask myself “Why is Dad standing so far away and let me ha e this argument when he can just step in?” but my father taught me to spit bullets with my mouth “If you are going to say make sure you never have to change it” so I think before I SPIT THESE BULLETS.

Then… My little brother.

The core of my heart, the one I would hold a gun for and shoot. My brother is the reason I take careful decisions, why I want men to cry when they are hurting, why I want another woman to be happy…Yes, HE IS THE REASON WHY I WANT ANOTHER WOMAN TO BE HAPPY because you see the way we nurture him as a family, the things we say to him, the way we make certain things normal to him even if they are not is the principles he is going to use on his family. He teach him to be the head and not the tail but be careful to give respect in order to get respect, we teach him that being respected is greater than being feared and I love him because we get to see the world change through him. Men are not trash and we pray that he, with other men his age grow to make that phrase disappear.

Now the 4th man.🤣

Not much details will be said about this one, if he exists or not but I know he is the kind of man who will join forces with me not only as a woman but as a woman who had to experience the best of 3 worlds. This 4th man should know that if he steps into my life then he should be ready to be seen as royalty as he will be standing in the presence of 3 kings, if he is looking for something ordinary and simple then he should seek for it on women who don’t know what class is because only alegence is served on my table and it can be a little too much for a man who is used to eat filth, it can be too much for a man who is not used to fine linen and delux behavior.

So I understand why women like me are too much for some men, I understand why some men lose women like me then end up searching for them in every women they meet, I understand the frustration they have to keep up with the level of maturity until they fall for the weakest link.

It’s because women like me are too much for men who don’t know themselves. Women like me are too much for men who are not ready for maturity, its because women like me use books and logic to state facts and never use emotional manipulation to reason.

I am in love with 3 men, I tried choosing between the 3 of them and I realized, I JUST CAN’T. I love them seperately and I need them to accept my forth man because for some reason I feel He is about to be a big part of our love circle.

My God, My Father and My brother.

Those are the 3 men.

I don’t know what was in your mind but this is not another love triangle, this is a plead for blessings. I love God so much that I dont find sense without him, my relationship with Him sometimes needs a bit of work and it’s on my part, I run from him when I feel like His will is too much for me to handle and I go back again when the world has stripped me naked and He loves me anyway.

Then my father

The man who taught me how I should be loved, the man I ran to when I hurt myself as a child, His love has always been so truthful, my father has never hidden the truth from me. A spade has always been a spade, never had he had to sugarcoat anything to fit my liking, my father has been my hero but he has also let me fight. Sometimes I had to actually ask myself “Why is Dad standing so far away and let me ha e this argument when he can just step in?” but my father taught me to spit bullets with my mouth “If you are going to say make sure you never have to change it” so I think before I SPIT THESE BULLETS.

Then… My little brother.

The core of my heart, the one I would hold a gun for and shoot. My brother is the reason I take careful decisions, why I want men to cry when they are hurting, why I want another woman to be happy…Yes, HE IS THE REASON WHY I WANT ANOTHER WOMAN TO BE HAPPY because you see the way we nurture him as a family, the things we say to him, the way we make certain things normal to him even if they are not is the principles he is going to use on his family. He teach him to be the head and not the tail but be careful to give respect in order to get respect, we teach him that being respected is greater than being feared and I love him because we get to see the world change through him. Men are not trash and we pray that he, with other men his age grow to make that phrase disappear.

Now the 4th man.🤣

Not much details will be said about this one, if he exists or not but I know he is the kind of man who will join forces with me not only as a woman but as a woman who had to experience the best of 3 worlds. This 4th man should know that if he steps into my life then he should be ready to be seen as royalty as he will be standing in the presence of 3 kings, if he is looking for something ordinary and simple then he should seek for it on women who don’t know what class is because only alegence is served on my table and it can be a little too much for a man who is used to eat filth, it can be too much for a man who is not used to fine linen and delux behavior.

So I understand why women like me are too much for some men, I understand why some men lose women like me then end up searching for them in every women they meet, I understand the frustration they have to keep up with the level of maturity until they fall for the weakest link.

It’s because women like me are too much for men who don’t know themselves. Women like me are too much for men who are not ready for maturity, its because women like me use books and logic to state facts and never use emotional manipulation to reason.

I remember watching the movie by Tyler Perry “For coloured girls…” however the title is way longer than the 3 words I mentioned. This movie a character played by Janet Jackson was explaining to her partner how tired she was of hearing the words “I am sorry” from him and I wondered why? I felt Like she had pride, that she can’t take an apology and her being a feared business woman in the movie made me pass my judgement even more.

“Because she is powerful she now can’t take apologies”

That was me, immature, judgemental and unbroken me.

I realise today that “I am sorry” can mean nothing when things remain the same, you get tired of hearing the word when it’s from the same hurt and same shame but even Jesus tells us that you have to forgive your brother and we understand that but what do you do when the word has become like running salt on a wound.

These days people have hurt people so much that it seems like they enjoy it, like it’s something they are good at, like it’s just a mistake that won’t cause nothing, they make hurting a person so easy that SORRY will make it all right.

“I am sorry that I hurt you”

“I won’t do it again”

Aren’t you sorry that you betrayed trust?

Aren’t you sorry that the same walls you broken are the ones that protected you?

Aren’t you sorry that someone bled because of you?

It goes beyond saying those words to fix what’s broken.

It takes understanding that people are fragile and broken, some are trying to get rid of the coldness and darkness in their hurts.

It takes understanding that everything will never be the same and you were only sorry

Sometimes when I think about it deeply, When I awake and realise that it was me who felt the pain that made me want to take my own life, When I think about how I walked on the street with shame sitting on my head, streaming down my toes and I had to walk the walk but my spirit couldn’t carry my feet, When I really think about it, I am left in awe on how amazing the same fire that was supposed to hurt me was the same fire I needed to heat my passion up.

I am smart, If I should say so myself, my biggest asset has always been my brain but that year I failed the most important Grade I needed to pass, GRADE 12 and I didnt know how. The amount of laughter I heard from people started to sound like the monsters we were scared of, only this time they were real, and I could hear them. Monsters at church, Monsters in my neighborhood, Monsters from people I shared a class with, I could hear their evil laugh behind my back, others to my face, others to spite my parents, others to rejoice.

And I felt dizzy, the kind where the only escape is if the Earth opens and swallows you. The amazing thing about being at rock bottom is that it becomes the right position to get back on your feet, it gives you the ability you need to break the fall, even though landing on hard ground is painful but pain reminds us that we are here and we are still human. I locked myself in, regained my strength and do the thing over again,I had to step back again to the halls of the same school I failed in, write the same subject I failed, only this time with people who were behind me, People who wished to wear the Matric Uniform when I wore it were now wearing it and I was in the same level as them but I didnt care, It was no longer about who, what, when or why, It was now about me.

Fast forward to University, I had 35 Points to get in, I received my qualifications under a lot of strain and I got distinctions in the most difficult modules I never thought I would and I am proud that I never let go of myself.

This life thing is very odd, sometimes it takes away so much from us, sometimes it leaves us with scars, other times we have the opportunity to live out best lives when others days people dont know what you have to go through to live your best life, the things you have to forgive, the sins you need to confess, the tears that hide behind the smiles and the truth that lingers behind the lies, whatever it is, This life is for you to live and no one will master it unless they live their truth.

I will keep saying this until someone understands that it was a part of me and for me to evolve I had to let it go…PLEASE HEAL. it took me 3 years to get over the feeling of failure, it took me 3 years to find my value and in this 3 years there were people who loved me and I didnt see their love because I didn’t love myself, I felt their love was not enough because it didnt fill my happiness but happiness is something I should have brought to the table and not demanded.

I love the fact that I failed, it helped me relate to feelings people hide, when they open up to me, I see why they live a lie, I see why they are angry, I see why they are so loud, I understand the hate because I felt it foe people who saw a chapter on my story and concluded the book of my life. I thank God I failed and the alone time He gave me to hear him clearly.