I have been meaning to publish this earlier but I have been working my heart out trying to reach target and make that money but my heart has been so heavy, the kind of heavy that makes me feel so tired and cold on the inside but I can’t allow it to take over so I need to reach deep down to find courage that will heat up my day because if I stay in the cold, I will die.

I have been thinking about who I am, Who God says I am, what I have been through that got me to be this person, and the genes that are running in my veins so I dwelled the whole day as I work my way down 16:00 to find out exactly what God, searched Podcasts of my  favourite speakers and songs that got me in rhythm for this research because its hard swallowing the truth and I need the truth to be free.

Have you been tired of complaining? Of misery and pain? Tired of the heaviness of unforgiveness that you carry or the need to impress and be on track with your life so much that you start having anxiety attacks or depression. Have you been tired of living in the picture your mind didn’t create? Because in your mind your life should be so fair right now, Maybe you should be nursing your first child, you should have graduated, when you were 18, you thought by this age you should be really happy with 2 cars, a blooming career and your parents by your side but unfortunately the picture seems so blurry.

I want you to sit down and find out who you are because if you find out who you are and stop pretending to be someone you are not there is so much fire in the real you to burn everything that was not supposed to be in your life. We attracted problems because of denying our true selves, Got ourselves in messy situations because of a lifestyle we cant afford, it feels good in the moment but you hate yourself after. Who are you when we take away the social media and money that is helping you get by? Can you start a conversation without talking about what you don’t have or do have? Are you happy with yourself when you take away everyone surrounding you? Can you cheer yourself up when all the cheerleaders are gone? Who are you before you were cheated on, was your heart always so cold with trust issues?

I found that once you know your weaknesses, no one will use them against you (Bruce Lee) but we hide so much behind a made up picture of who we are to protect our weaknesses and not deal with them that’s why when people poke on the sensitive parts of our lives we fall apart. I grew up in the township (Kutloanong) during my times as a teenager there were no Swimming pools, no parks and with financial disadvantage is hard to see yourself without self-pity and low self-esteem, when you are in a crowd of people with better, more advanced memories that does not include getting excited over going to town because you already live in town, its hard to keep the faith and pure hard so I hard to fight not to be bitter, not to be jealous of those who had better, to run in my own pace knowing I have a lot to deliver for my family and my life, to never feel pain and compare myself with people that get help from their parents when I have to soldier on to become gold and its not easy digging for the greater good, that’s why many choose to be Gold diggers, its an easy escape however I had to accept things I can’t change before they defeat me, I have to accept where I come from so I don’t have to ide the reason behind my hunger, anger, stamina . I had to look at myself and not see anything but faith and works and a life and a future and hope.

Learn to be okay with who you were and where you have been so you don’t have to feel the pressure of being who you are not.

I met a young woman last night. I went to the swimming pool to pass time, both my phones were charging and I needed them to be full before load shedding takes full charge.

Then joined a very kind lady which immediately when we started talking, we understood each other’s vibe, we shared the same thoughts, love art, we feed from our own energies… Okay this is what I mean, we don’t use people’s pain and misery to feed instead we dig deep within ourselves to be our own heroes.

For a very long time I thought I was a weirdo, I thought I was too creative, too observent and too careful and it’s hard making friends when you are that way but last I realized, EVERYONE HAS SOMEONE. do not settle for people who don’t fed you just because you fe that’s the best you can do.

I don’t only want to be known as “BEAUTIFUL” I don’t want to only be known as a woman with an amazing skin tone, Yes My melanin is everything, I pride myself with all this gold covering my body. I don’t want to be known as a woman with a beautiful body, curves, and thighs, whatever that concludes a beautiful body, I don’t want it to be my identity, I don’t want the shackles of editing pictures, posing every time and uploading another flame on my social media to be my priority event though I am a picture junky, I am addicted to megapixels and neutral colours.

I don’t want to struggle to leave the house without make up on my face, I don’t want to struggle to identify myself without the contour even thought I love what eye liner does to my big eyes, How Contouring helps show my small nose, or the effect of lip stick on my slightly thick and pout-like lips, I don’t want to mask myself every day, I don’t want to fill in my eye brows every morning even though I remove them to draw them again, I admit I hate the fact that I never had full eyebrows, that the shape is out of place and some Meagan Good eye brow transplant will do me some good, I am okay walking out the house looking like an alien sometimes.

Yes, I have natural hair, its very hard to comb so I sometimes hide it under the wig, Lately I am loving how I have been able to wear nothing but my very black, very afro, sometimes dry, sometimes breaking hair, I am loving how I am preferring braids than the lace front or bob cut, I love hair, Curly, big, colourful hair, that’s me, Nothing wrong with wigs, weaves, whatever you prefer to call it, I love it too but I also love my type 4c hair, I love how black it is, exactly like my Dads, I love how my hair line never disappears, I love how my big forehead shows off, I try to fleek my edges, sometimes I get it right but yesterday my hair said “Not today little Miss” either way, You should see me when I hit the bed at night without stalkings on my head, I look like the man on the packet for Nik Naks chips. Its okay, That is who I am and I learning to know that I am okay in every form I decide to be in, whether make up or natural, baggy clothes or skin thight jeans, I am okay with walking out completely myself and love it.

I want to be kind to myself, know that I too deserve the chance to call myself worthy, strong or important without seeking confirmation, I want to call myself “Baby” like I have called people I love, see what a gold mine I am like I have said to people on these motivational videos or private calls. I want to forgive myself for everyone who betrayed me, lied to me, left me, I have to FORGIVE MYSELF knowing that I am a giver, I gave and its not my fault that all they do is take, I did not lose, they did and its okay, I am still wonderful. I want to laugh because I feel like laughing, Cry because it hurts not because I want someone to see how strong I am so I am going to keep it together infront of my enemies, I don’t care about my enemies, I will greet them if I see them, I don’t want to send shout outs for them on social media.

With a post that goes like this…

Shout out to all my enemies, You are the only ones who respect me

No, I respect myself, My colleagues respect me, my family respects me not because of how I look but because of the things that come out of my mouth, because of things my mind unleashes, because of the way I say them.

I don’t want to abuse myself, go out every night, every weekend, every month when really all I want is to watch Netflix and google “fun facts around the world” (You should really try that). Its not me, I dont want to do it for fun, that’s not my definition of fun, its okay for people who do, if its you then go all out for it, buy the whole bar, but I will rather make pop corns, go out with friends at certain places and come back before 10 p.m or stay longer if its my vibe and if its boring for some people and not cool enough then fine, I picked my poison and you picked yours.

I don’t want to trend with the Moet and 5 star hotels and flamboyant life styles while in fact I am so simple. Yes I will book in at 5 star hotel, yes I will have sushi but I won’t snap that, yes I will buy shoes, Sometimes 3 pairs a month but you might not even know about that, or where I work, if there is someone in my life, who belongs to my family, not knowing doesn’t mean they are not there and not seeing them on pictures or hearing about them might mean they are not there but I don’t want to explain why I am the way I am, who is saying what to me, who did what to me because I understand that things happen and people achieve, I choose to keep the details I want to keep to myself and I feel happy about it everyday.

Even though it hurts, but I want to be my own hero, if I need anyone to step up then let that someone be me, If I need to know all the things I need to know to get by let it be on me, I don’t want to blame my parents for what I don’t know, I don’t want to blame my ex for trust issues or my dog for stitches.

I want to be my own master, I don’t want to be a slave to a  man because he gets me things I cant get, I cant afford, I don’t want to forget my truth just to fit his picture perfect type of woman who doesn’t exist, I don’t want to break myself for him. I don’t want to beg for friendships and gossip about people I should be learning from to excite the crowd I don’t even want to belong to, a crowd that makes me a joke,a punchline when I am not around, I don’t  want to hide my Christianity because someone doesn’t believe in God or they are confused, I don’t want to be the reason they prove their theory, Its okay what you believe in, don’t just use me to convince yourself that you are right.

I want to look beneath my appearance and still love what I see entirely. This Valentines day I celebrate my old soul, I celebrate not being cool to some people, I celebrate my crazy yet loving family, I celebrate my scars, I celebrate the times I stopped myself from snapping, I celebrate having control over my feelings, I also celebrate being a beast on certain people because my softness is definitely not weakness, I celebrate my writing, I celebrate my birthmarks, stretch marks, any marks.

I am not going to allow myself to go overboard to prove a point, seek attention at every coast, dwell in what people saw, what they know what my past holds, ALL THAT IS NOT WHO I AM BUT WHAT I HAVE BEEN THROUGH. I am not going to be embarrassed to walk the streets only because I failed at a certain thing , I am not going to hide my wounds just so people may think I am untouchable, then How will I heal?

Don’t do that to yourself, dont take pride in having a short temper, dont take pride in being a crazy girlfriend, dont take pride in knowing people fear you and you love it, dont take pride in being cold hearted, go seek help, thats not healthy.

Dont be what people made in you, dont be the pain you once experienced, choose to be you before the lies, before the betrayal. choose to be you unfiltered

Somethings will never be yours, it doesn’t mean they are bad things but they just dont fit in your life and that does not make you a failure or incapable, THEY ARE JUST NOT FOR YOU and you cant force them to stay, work out for you or be good to you.

I often tell people not to give up, to wait, to be patient but somethings you just need to walk away from. An addiction, a job, a family member, If you have been working on that relationship and its just not standing maybe you should let it collapse even though its scary starting over but LET IT GO. If you have contributed so much into a job that keeps on killing you, everyday is a different fight, a battle and you dont win, work on getting out of there, start a business, apply to a different place, just WORK ON GETTING OUT OF THERE.

Lets stop the lies, SOMETHINGS ARE JUST NOT WORTH THE FIGHT, yes you put on a fight a few times and the results stay the same, you deserve peace too, Just let go.

Its simple writing the words “Let go” but how do you let go of your first love, a job that feeds your family, a dream, a toxic family…well, its never easy and sometimes you wonder if you are making the right decision, anxiety kicks in, fear and all the other feelings that come with letting go because as people we have been taught that letting go is a sign of failure but what is your truth? somewhere deep inside your soul, this conscious,this inner being is telling you that this relationship is the death of you no matter how much you care, that you really need to leave the nest, you have been comfortable at home for a long time, that you need to have that talk with your family and disclose your truth, that you are living a lie but we are so stuck in pretending everyday that we are okay, forcing ourselves to believe it, everyday drinking to accept it, forcing yourself to live it while the real you is in need of freedom, a real thing, stability, a family that cares, a career that unleashes your potential, you really want to leave that job to pursue that dream no matter the odds, TRY YOURSELF FOR ONCE, explore yourself for once, try your magic, try your love, try your abilities, for once use the same motivation you have been giving others and give yourself, GO FOR YOU NOW

• 

I am facing my computer again after days of being absent from work. First thing I felt when I walked in was “I hope no one asks me if I am okay” followed by “Deadlines are going to kill me” and all this time I have put on my resting face, I dont want to be bothered, already I have that “Please dont talk to me” attitude which has worked wonders for me in the past, I avoided so many unwanted conversations and me being an introvert, I have mastered the art of blocking communication, I am amazing at it.

This morning was different, first thing I sat on my chair, my colleagues came to me, asked if I am okay, If I need anything, If I want to go back home and I handled it very okay, In most cases I would have answered 1 person and left the room as soon as possible, come back when they have forgotten about me but I STAYED THERE and answer all their questions.

just for an update, I was involved in a certain accident, of its own nature and I ended up with stitches

My Colleague said.

“I have not been okay since I have heard you are not okay, its hard not to care when a caring woman is hurt”

I had always hated the fact that I have a personality that has allowed people to ask me for help, that certain people took my kindness as weakness, I have always hated being selfless and I vowed from last year that I am not going to give out what people take for granted so I will have the backbone to say no and just be emotionally unavailable at times because when you are too soft, people tear you apart and I have been torn enough.

But her words shook me, when you are real about who you are, when you have accepted yourself, nothing that one does will ever change you. When you have accepted your flaws and you are aware of your weaknesses, growth is evident.

For a minute, I stood there and I thought my kindness felt by the right people, appreciated by the right people and I should not change because of people who were a lesson learned. THE RIGHT PEOPLE WILL FIT RIGHT IN MY PERSONALITY, nothing forced and nothing faked, the right people will never use you, take you for granted or hurt you because they know your value.

When you have to force yourself to laugh, force yourself to love, force yourself to stay then drink so you wont have to face the shame, drug yourself to ignore the pain, then it was never yours to begin with.

And we hurt over and over again because we ignored the signs and warning our conscious delivered just to experience made up bliss, made up joy.

You live once, Don’t live someone else’s life

Sure feels good to be presented with yet another year to do it again, this time stronger, wiser and better…AND A LITTLE MORE SELFISH.

Happy New you, Happy New Ways, Happy New Grace…Its not a race, its a Journey and no one knows the potholes, speed-humps and Dead ends that exist in your lane better than you, so dont rush.

I already witnessed most of my friends and people I was in class with making life time commitments such as marriage, children and I just stood there in complete awe thinking “Wow” as it takes great strength and vulnerability to submit to feelings of sharing a life with someone and I am so happy that all those who made that commitment felt love so strong they just couldn’t let it go.

This year PLEASE BE SELFISH. I mean this, BE COMPLETELY SELFISH. I told my mom this when I left home for work, I looked at her straight in the eye, just days before her birthday and I said “For your birthday, I wish that you may be very SELFISH”

I know you are thinking “Really Lerato?” but the truth is we give so much of ourselves trying to provide or build people who are finding it so easy to forget us when their foundations turn into skyscrapers. Be your own hobby, check in with yourself, If you are not okay, if you need a treat or 2, if you are hungry or full, make yourself a priority now and people who are used to taking and taking from you wont love it BUT YOU ARE ALSO WORTH IT.

People are empty, so empty that when they come across a giver, they take until there is nothing to take no more. People have deep issues about themselves so much that they will do anything to feel better, even if it means using other people, hurting other people, You have been the one they hurt and use too long now, it stops in 2020.

No more being there for people who disappear when tables turn, no more putting people first who hurt you the minute you turn your back, no more defending people who let you stand alone when tragedy hits, No more eating with people who let you starve when their pockets are full, learn to be selfish.

I am not one to walk away from a challenge and I am also not one to pretend and that’s why this festive season was more like a disaster than an amazing time with family. This year was a lot to take in and if you live far away from home you will agree that we want to go home to our families to regroup before we head back and yes, do help out at home with certain chores but not everyday.

The amount of crying I did in secret places, the amount of work I put in everyday, I was hoping that family is what I needed to recover before I go back to do it again but instead everyday was hard work, not to mention that It included climbing on the roof to unblock bird poop from blocking the water pipes.

Everyday something new, something almost made up, from morning to the afternoon and after that I am so tired, all I want is to sleep, that’s wrong, it’s like I was at work all over again but this time I was tested and paying back the time I was not there to help around the house. Everyone knows that they need to do certain chores but how do you not get fed up if you had to paint the walls, do gardening, cook then wash dishes, then what’s the need of going home to be merry, there is nothing merry about that.

I had to woman up and express my feelings, I voiced out to my parents, told them the reason why nobody wants to be around home during this time is because we work none stop, they didn’t like it but it was the truth and it had to change.
2 days after the confrontation and the house is still standing, still clean, still no worms crawling in our sink.

You need to learn to say no to some of the cultures our parents install to us because they learned from their parents because not all of them are right, be the one brave enough to break the chain, SAY NO.
I am sorry but Holidays are not an opportunity to pay for all the times you weren’t home, it’s not a chance to break your back trying to fix everything that was broken even before you came home.
Parents need to understand that some of the things that were done to them were not right and we won’t allow them done on us.

So many of us, our families are taking from what we have but we get nothing in return, no one asks about your studies, no one asks about your work or if you need help financially but all they do is take, we are scared of talking about it because it’s family but what happens if your family is using you? What happens if you are tired too and no one offers you water and a place to rest your feet but you are the one they call when in distress.

Love is so simple yet so hard, I know I am not making sense but think about it. We can have arguments with our Parents, Siblings, Friends and Colleagues and it ends but an argument between love birds it most of the times heated, some end up not together anymore, and back together after a while. Yes some have a different opinion but this is according to what I have notice in a world surrounding me. I would fight with my little brother, I am a fighter so when I shoot, I fly bullets everywhere, I dont know how to stop so in a situation between my brother and I, My parents would sit us down, shout at us, correct us and say something like “Look at you, those eyes, the devil lives in you”And I would want to laugh, minutes later, the whole family is okay.

But it terms of a relationship, I dont only chip or crack, I break hard and I live no room for understanding the reasons behind the fight, its like I am fighting to defend my whole life, to make my partner aware that I am not going to play the fool, ever ever again, like I am just fighting not only him but the past and people who hurt me, friends who betrayed me, people who didn’t know me yet tried to break me but I wondered, why is it that in a relationship you have deeper arguments, feelings spiral out of control, things are said that cut deep and decisions are made that do not benefit anyone in any way.

Then it dawned on me, Maybe…and I stand (under correction), maybe an intimate relationship introduces you to trauma, past hurt, things you saw your dad do your mom and you told yourself that you will never allow it in your life and now you are vulnerable towards this person and they know things that your parents don’t even know, they break certain walls that you have built for years, they introduce you to a different side, a side you can never imagine.

I came to realise that a relationship that does not introduce you to growth, that does not challenge you, that does not force you to chin up, where everything is only about fun, Instagram pictures, back to back posts on each others timeline, amusement parks and restaurant bills, its a relationship that is not rooted on the truth. the truth is relationships are not all bad and no matter how many people come to you and advice you somehow, you need to find a way to make it work for you and I also know that love is not forced out, conversations are not forced out, laughing is not forced out and you need to be comfortable being you in all your flaws even when the 2 of you are way different, even if each of you has a past but take away the material things, take away the photo captions and popular things couples should do, Can you be down and out with this person? When you bury one of your family members do you want this person to be the one holding your hand, when you wake up in the morning and you look like your dad, do you want them looking back at you and there is no guilt maybe that you lost your eye lashes.

It deeper than Morning texts, its deeper than matching outfits and that is why when the argument heats up, Its reaction is directly proportional to the feeling, thats where as partners learn to come to each others level and understand each others frustrations to reach a better conclusion, an art that many struggle to master.

I sound like I know it all huh, Lol, I am still learning

The only difference is that, when all is taken away would you still want to be with this person, will you love them even when it hurts, will you love them through their irritating flaws and will you stay and work it out because you know that just like you, they want to make it work, because if you are the only one trying to bring peace then walk out, they have to be willing to work on you just as much as you are willing to work on them.

Then I finally understood why Love and war can coexist and how movies have completely gave us an unrealistic expectation, How you want to live happily ever after in your castle, but what happens if there is no Castle and you have to build it, Are you are team? what happens when you forget about the anniversary or your Mother doesn’t approve of her? What happens when they have a past? what happens when you are sick your moods are causing chaos?

I saw a post on facebook that said “sometimes we think we are dating moody, angry women only to find out that they were molested”then what step do you take as a couple to go through that, from my understanding your arguments will be very heated as she is protecting herself, How do you show each other that I am not here to hurt you and you need to get help, I will be here?

One of the few things our generation shy’s away from discussing because they unleash feelings we have been blocking and post a question we have been ignoring…”ARE YOU OKAY?”

let me start here. I knew when I walked into my flat and the first thing I did was cry, may be I had a long day, Maybe I was tired or maybe I just wanted to let things out. I spoke to a few women about how often do they cry, about 98% of them said every month, they even mentioned how they deal with heavy feelings, the heartbreaks, disappointments, hormones and all of them mentioned that the first step is to actually “CRY” I felt better about myself honestly, because unlike many, I dont cry every month so when I did…constantly, I knew that something was up so I took some time to myself.

On my last video I spoke about the journey I decided to take, that m mainly focused on healing and looking within myself to accept flaws that I cant get rid of and correct bad habits I had picked from certain things, what people dont know is the process, which by the way was so hard as it involved apologizing to people I had done wrong or thought I did wrong and cancel certain people and also face my demons, also at that time I wore no weaves, I was walking around with my natural hair and my big forehead entering places 3 minutes before me and I was not bothered as I knew how important this was.

3 or 4 years back I would have a problem getting out the house with my hair undone, eating alone at a restaurant, keeping different crowds(Just to find out which group I belong to) spending money on what I needed (Instead of putting peoples feeling before mine) talking to strangers at Art Galleries because I went alone and also hit the stage for some karaoke…But I did all these, I started writing about love and you must know, writing about love is not something I loved doing, I even fell in love so much with my body. I took few snaps of me revealing certain parts of myself and I though “WOW girl, you have been missing out on best parts of you” By the way, I was not too explicit.

During that time, I realized that I am magic, everything about me is just magic and it has the power to mesmerize only the people whoa re willing to see the magic, I have been trying so hard to get approval, from certain church members, cousins, colleagues trying to prove my worthiness to people who have already made up their minds about me, how bad I am and unworthy of respect even if I held Jesus hand, came down from heaven to Earth with an army of Angels, they will still not approve me, why? why have I been dimming my light for them?

The second week I decided to separate myself from Social media for 24 Hours, during that time I went to get my ears pierced, this sounds odd for a person who never loved jewelry but I wanted something new, something that when I look at I will be reminded of the time I decided to be more of myself, I stepped at the pharmacy and walked out with my ear on fire, about 4 weeks past and me, the person who is not in love with jewelry, I stated shopping for earrings, and I thought “Lerato Pretty Thando Nondeyi, you have never given yourself time to explore things you love, it has always been about giving pieces of yourself to people, you never left any for yourself” so here I am confessing, I LOVE JEWELRY just small diamonds, black and silver.

I wouldn’t have discovered that if I was not taking time to know me again, I love Art,I always knew that but I never knew to what extent, I talk to myself and actually love it and its official now, I really love watching comedy and I honestly hate drama, I hate being notorious, I hate bashing people down, I have romantic movies, I hate fruits and love vegetables and I really love Ice Cream and pop corns and for my family, I will launch war against Iraq honestly, I would throw myself on top of a grenade or even catch it like Bruno Mars.

Importantly, Though it was not easy not holding my phone and meditating for 24 Hours, cutting off people, coming to face my fears, I did it and it was not easy, I am okay with almost everything, ALMOST

And I saw that I am so much better with certain things broken, Right now I dont feel bad about stepping away if someone doesn’t like my vibe, I wont even try, I am not ashamed to laugh out loud just because my laughter is a combination of 3 tones,I dont care, If I got cellulite on my thick thighs, If I am too dark for some people, I can lose them but I cant lose myself for them. I dont care if I am too focused and missing out on the fun, I dont care if someone makes fun of where I come from or even tries to shame my name or mention my downfalls, May it be well even with people who just dont like me without even knowing me, may hey achieve something from it because I achieved something from loving myself.

Do not be afraid of fixing whatever is bothering you, dont be scared of facing your demons for no one is perfect, we all are hurting from one thing or the other, No one has it all together, we drown at a certain point, some are drowning in an ocean, others in a dam, either way we are all treading water, try to find your lifeline, I am working on mine

Today I wore my Corporate Shirt, as I was getting ready for work I remembered the words my mom said to me during those Mother and Daughter calls…

“Your Dad keeps on bragging about you, telling his colleagues that his daughter works and supports herself, she has never spoke back to him and she is very beautiful” and I laughed because Dad knows that I have been trying so bad to keep my life on track, Dad knows that a few months ago I cried over the phone about something I needed bad and it slipped off my hands, Dad knows that his baby girl has been pushing so hard, burning, falling, hurting, having insomnia episodes because of thoughts that linger on but Dad is proud anyway. Keep people who see the good in you even when you are drained out, people who will always celebrate you not because of what you have achieved but for the person you are, the way you handle things, the things you do and how you respond to them in any situation. I laughed because not only did my Dad love how I have respected him but he was proud to let everyone know, the respect I have given him has protected his pride and he can stand boldly with no doubt that no one will object with a different statement.

Sometimes I felt like a fool when I avoided heated arguments or public altercations simply because I wanted to keep my peace, when I backed off because I felt my peace of mind is way better than winning an argument but this morning I realise that I am worth bragging about, I am worth every good thing everyone sees or has said and that is because my intentions from the start about my life and the path to take was to never be anything but the best version of myself, If I am dark skinned then let me love every inch of my melanin, If I am smart then let me explore everything to the best of my abilities, If I am kind, let me be kind to everyone even those who are not kind to me and if I love God then I should love Him enormously