People born in November were conceived in February, The month of love, I guess it only makes sense that my name means love, I honor my parents for that.

If you believe in star signs and are trying to figure out where does the 22nd of November fall…I did too, for the longest time until it was made known, I am a cusp, I have 2 star signs…I am both a Scorpio and Sagittarius, this answers why I always felt so different, if you study these 2 star signs you actually see that I am a combination of fire and water, RARE isnt it?

Enough about Astrology…another fun fact about my birth is that I almost didn’t make it, I was born sick, Pneumonia to be precise, as a result my mom was always cautious about what I eat, what I wear and my hygiene even though all I needed were antibiotics BUT MOMS KNOW BEST, better than Doctors.

Early teens years I was not really the talk of the school, or town, I never made headlines, I was almost not there, I swear if I was the only girl left in class no one would have picked me, because I was just plain Jane, short, not popular or a risk taker like my peers who by that time were experimenting with things that were plain sin to me, A LATE BLOOMER, its the simplest way to explain

I am here today, I am not where I want to be and I get mad at that sometimes yet I AM WAY FAR FROM WHERE I STARTED. I am still trying to figure myself out every time yet I love who I meet every time I stare in the mirror and let me tell you, she looks back and questions me all the time.

I look at her and see the times I bounced back from casualty and went to school to write my exams. I look at her and I see the strength it took to post a motivational message with heaviness and tears in my eyes, I look at the mirror and applaud the woman I see, she sacrificed fashion, shoes and accessories to pay her tuition, she stands with qualifications.

almost when I feel like falling apart, I look into that mirror and remember, for the past 20 something years she has been strong from birth and no one could ever understand it because she is rare, no one could pick it up because she made pain look like amazing grace.

On the day I was born, I thank God for rescuing me from all the disasters that could have claimed my life, for blessing me and making me a blessing,

for every time I could have been lost, all the times I cried from loss, the moments are felt so small, the errors and correcting my wrongs…. Thank God I was born, I am no mistake

I want that love where I know you are out with your crew and I am safe In Your thoughts, that love where you apologise when you are wrong and let your pride down because losing us is not worth your ego, that love… Where I have all I need yet still need you because you make me feel like the biggest part of your life, that love.
When you hold me down, defend my honor because you know I will never let you fight alone…even though we fight each other but when the enemy comes we are a team, that love.
I want to be free falling everytime and not be scared that you won’t catch me, the “who’s that dude on Your comments?” because you’re jealous and not afraid to show not only that but your true feelings… that’s love. Then we laugh about it because we know what we have is beyond social media, unfiltered, no captions needed, no cropping the truth or even get excited over likes, we grown.
No slave to your pride.
No hiding what you feel.
No focusing on pain.
That love

I have not been writing the past few days, I dont want to blame it on work and being so tired afterwards, also I wont blame it on my Knee injury, which was so painful by the way, me being so afraid of pain didn’t speed up the healing process however I can at least walk better now, no more limping.

Let me tell you what happened on Monday…

My Knee couldn’t even bent, I couldn’t stand for long and the Doctor booked me off work due to injury. Since Sunday My mom has been giving me her methods to get rid of pain and reduce the swelling however because I am scared of pain, I didn’t do it. Should I have done it, It would have been better by Monday

Okay, back to Monday…

On my way to The Doctor I met a Pharmacist and he said to me “Your knee is not broken, you just need to apply pressure” I looked at him with eyes that told him right away that I am not planning on hurting myself (which was odd because I am already hurting, pressure would actually help me) in the most known phrase, I CHICKENED OUT.

The Doctor sent me off for X Ray , Suggested that I should get an injection for pain, I refused because the injection is painful even when I am already in pain and is supposed to help me . I settled for medication.

Later on in the evening I had to do what I was afraid of, I had to use my Mom’s Methods, put pressure on the Knee, while I massage it using salt water, put pressure on it and then bondage the, I was screaming the whole time, I was in many thought…

What if I am causing more injury?

What if it wont work?

What if its all for nothing?

I had to actually deal with my knee, help myself and take the risk even with so many WHAT IF’S, If I wanted to get better, I should try something different, take what Mommy told me. Tuesday Morning I was feeling way better, I could bent it a little more and Today, I am at work, moderate pain but whole lot of healing.

One of the hardest things to identify is why are we hurting, why are we unhappy even with so much to be grateful for, why are we angry, why are we scared, why are we smiling only on the outside but the pain on the inside is paralyzing our hearts so much that we dont believe in happy endings or love even marriage anymore more.

The past days I realised how hard it is to temper with pain, even if exposing yourself to the cause of your pain maybe your remedy, its hard to confront what is hurting you, to put pressure on it, to face everyone’s advice telling yo about the things about you that you need to change, because no one wants to be wrong.

But if you are hurting people around you…you need to know so you fix it, If you have been holding on to past hurts, what your family said, what your uncle did, what your mama said, you need to revisit that pain and deal with it, you will cry, you will re-feel it again but it will go away and you wont have to live with it anymore, you wont allow it to change you, you wont allow it to make you pus away people who really love you.

Some people are savage, some are rude, some are mean but once you get to know them you realise thats not who they are but results of what happened to them so they built a wall to protect themselves but the same wall they created blocks happiness too.

Some men really need love, its what they want, to settle down and have a family but they dont know how to do it, they sabotage anything good with any women in their lives only because they were raised by their moms alone, they have no idea how a man should be, they dont know how a man should speak because mom was angry all the time dads was gone, or mom was not herself and she took it out on her children and all they know is hurt, trauma and never being around and they do it on women who are sent to help them see how love can be.

Some women were molested, she cant trust a man, she cant be herself, she is angry, she is moody, she is hard to get through, she doesn’t want to let herself fall for any men because all men are there to hurt her or force their way to her and its not her fault, she didnt choose what happened to her.

Either way, you choose who you want to be, heal whats been hurting you. YOU DESERVE FREEDOM TOO

I dont want your money, I dont want your car, I dont even want to know the status of your bank account. I am waking up everyday trying my best to make something out of nothing, some mornings the thoughts in my mind are above me and all I do is sit there in silence, thinking how I am going to win, How I am going to be better, not only for me or my family but my children, that mommy may leave them a legacy.

Take your money and promises, give me respect and love, thats enough to help me through a bad day of reports and meetings. take your bragging about how much you can do for me, give me hugs and comfort when I am breaking because my world is crazy, I need a friend not a man who constantly need to prove a point. When I cant even look myself in the mirror, I need to know you fell inlove with my roots, not only my flowers because the world is ugly and sometimes people have an ugly side too, would you stand mine the way I would stand yours.

When I am scared, doubting my own strength, when my dreams seem delayed and depression invades my mind, when I am lost in the chaos, trying to provide (Yes, I am a provider) and it feels like I am not doing enough, its not your fancy shoes I want to talk to, or your enchanting cologne that my heart cries for, Its wisdom that will come from your mouth that I need to hear, Its your humanity and care that I long for.

I dont need a competitor, If I did I would be attracted to my enemies, I need you to lead, I dont mind following but I am smart, I know a leader and a dictator, I am not going to bow down to a man who is not going to crown me, I am not going to follow a man who is confused about what he wants, I am not going to honor a man who compares me to anything else rather than myself, I am not in your level, I will never be the head but I will chop the head of if it fails to recognize me as its helper.

I dont need to feel like I am not valuable, I dont need insecurities, I dont need to wonder if I will ever be enough only because you are never satisfied, give me loyalty, protect my pride and thats all I need.

Woke up this morning to face your demons, last night was rough still you put on your crown and wipe away the frown. I love how you choose life even in fear, even in sadness, even in confusion, simply Because everything perishes without you.

He walked out on you with a baby on your lap, He walked out and strength walked in, your knees shaking and heart breaking, you became the hero your child can lean on, still today the earth has never seen so much power, of a woman breaking gender boundaries. both parents to your baby you became, with shining armor to display your glory, nothing can ever break you.

So smart, your mind is a problem to lazy beings who hope to see you defeated, who hope that one day you will bow down to limitations but thats your motivation. everything used against you has been your promotion.

Majesty, they can never question your throne, you earned it. the way you walk shows you have been through it, and came out of it with fire in your soul. slaying every force trying to hold you against your will, trying to chain you on your past, you are a force to be reckoned with.

Slay them Queen, those who hold your background against you for out of the ashes you rise.

Slay them Queen, those who look at you and think you can never lead. looking at your beauty and think thats how you earn your meal, those who use your name in secret places to feel good about themselves, those who never thought nothing good will ever come out of your family, tell them ”I am the good thing coming out of my family”

Slay them with forgiveness Queen, those who molested you, abused you, humiliated you, cheated on you, betrayed you, left you stranded, robbed you off of your peace, sold you out, called you names and hurt your pride, forgive them, free yourself from those chains, break their hold over your life.

For years I have forced myself to feel things I don’t even relate to just to be seen as a good person or not to step on anyone’s feelings but I was dying inside because I was never real to myself.

when people did me wrong, I would pretend like I am okay, that I take what they did lightly because mistakes happen but deep inside I would be angry of the betrayal and hurt, imagine all that build up anger, hurt and regret, what is going to happen when it explodes? And when it finally exploded, my anger made me so vicious, to a point that I dont even have control of what I say or do, after that my eyes would be red and my body would shake. thats not normal.

know this, certain people feed from people with good hearts, it makes them feel better about themselves, fill the void and when they think they took enough, then they leave and the good hearted person is left empty and full of regrets.

NO MORE. I learned my lesson, unfortunately some people learn the hard way, unfortunately some people only see themselves and the only way to save yourself is by cutting them off, leave them because your emotions, your thoughts, your pride also matters.

Its a pity that good hearted people have to be burned several times before they can let go but thats habit we need to get rid of, let go if something is acting as an enemy towards you, let go when it suffocated you more than make you smile, let go of narcissists, let go of bullies.

I am learning everyday to say No, without feeling guilty, to know that no everyone have the same heart as me, that people steal others happiness when they are not satisfied with theirs, that other people no matter how many times you cry, or complain, they will never change who they are even if its toxic, they are comfortable hurting other people because it makes them feel in control so cut their hold over your life. you deserve the same respect you give them, the same love, the same protection, You deserve it back to you. There is no flaw or imperfection or mistake that you have done that will strip you off of what you are worth, not even your failures, you, on your own are worth the cross, even if you were the only sinner left, Christ would have still died for you because He saw value in you, embrace that you are also deserving and important. we come from the same God now nothing qualifies you to be a slave to anyone who feels right when other people are feeling bad.

I am sorry we dont realise sometimes how hard you carry us, I am sorry some men gave the world a reason to call you “Trash” and I am sorry that you had to wake up in the morning even when every part of you could not carry on anymore but because YOU ARE A PROVIDER, you walked out the door to put bread on the table..

I heard them say “Real men dont cry”it must have been a phrase created by someone who thinks you are made of steel. you cried when you lost a loved one, you cried when you felt defeated, you cried when you failed the love of your life, its the same tears that prove to me that your heart is not made of stone…you must be human.

I think you are wonderful, the way you protect everything close to your heart, the way you put away what you feel just to carry the world on your shoulders, how you put away your needs just to create a better future for your kids, the way you carry your responsibilities like they were tattooed in your heart, how you rise up after every rejection and fall.

You are wonderful, and I know you are trying, even on dark days, you are shining, walking around in confidence but deep down you are dying, no one sees it, no one can even imagine what you go through because you carry it with grace, muscles too, lol.

you are magic, every part of you spells out “Strength, leader, love” black man, you are wonderful

It started here.

I asked God exactly why I had to be born in the middle of starvation, sad huh? years I have been carrying that burden and I wanted so bad to make up for all the times my family ever needed anything, that means providing. My dad is a great provider and as a first born, I wanted so bad to help him because two forces are better than one and besides, every good child wants to see happiness in their family, now you can imagine the pain I went through when interviews fail or applications get rejected, got suicidal and hurt so bad that I felt like I am not only failing myself but my family.

Never was I hateful or jealous of people who were born well off, I never really had the time to, all the time was focused on me and making something out of nothing , I hate no time to look at them and how the got the things they have or if their parents helped them financially, It didnt bother me, it has never so I thank God for giving me that heart however I did feel the heat, felt shame and occasionally…Useless

then it came here.

I felt different, actually I am different, I dont dwell in trends or find it cool to be funny while I am actually hurting other people or being offensive and all this was a problem to me as I was trying to find myself, why am I so laid back? so soft until I erupt? why am I so slow in keeping up on whats hot and happening.

It ended with.

I looked at myself few weeks ago and God have I damaged the Art you created in me trying to edit it with these filters, cropping myself to adjust to people, making homes in people..I should have known better that you dont create homes in people. I stood there feeling stupid, looking in the eyes of the woman I saw in the mirror, I hurt her so much. I could have let her go when she was telling me that she is hurting but I told her to hold on because I thought that pain is a part of happiness, I should have listened to her when she said she was tired, I drained her out and she was looking at me saying “Please, no more”.

Do not kill yourself trying to keep people alive, they wont even perform CPR when you are suffocating.

Finally, it begun again

I am not going to let myself break the way I did through the years and I was not aware trying to be superwoman, trying to make people see what a treasure I am, trying to fit in places that suffocate me, trying to be perfect for a world that is so imperfect, holding my true self away because its intimidating or not good enough for some reason to some people. I am a person who loves laughing and sometimes I dont and its okay, I am okay with myself and the God I believe in, I am okay with my birth marks or the home I grew up in, I am okay with my crazy laugh and my need to be something, I am okay with my brown skin and my uneven teeth, I AM FINALLY OKAY WITH MYSELF and it took me a while but I am not going back.

I found my super power and it feels amazing to be my hero, it feels good to be free from the shackles, to know my demons and give them a fight, to have absolute freedom in who I am, to work on myself everyday, thats the best thing I can do for my family because with being in peace with myself, I open my mind to possibilities, strengths I never imagined that I have and thats a blessing to my family. You are not to blame for what broke you but its your fault if you stay in broken pieces.

Black women are so strong, they are beautiful, with their golden melanin. It took me a while to feel free in my 4c hair, wide curves, thick lips but what a wonderful combination I am.

I have darker birthmarks all over my body, which I used to be ashamed of and I asked my grandmother on why I have them and she said “How blessed are you that God marked you” and then I took these birth marks as God marks.

It took me a couple of selfies and photo shoots to actually say these words out loud I AM BEAUTIFUL and it took me a lot of work, recognizing my value, My self worth, my inner beauty and my strength. Its a hard yet rewarding journey to finally look at myself in the mirror and love everything I see, to shut my ear to everything I have heard about what beauty is and actually have my own definition according to how I feel.

No one had a say on how they wanted to be created, we all saw ourselves in this shell, tall, dark, skinny, chubby…you had to love yourself in the skin you are in, because you are perfect, In the words of India Arie MY CREATOR DIDNT MAKE NO MISTAKES ON ME.

To black women, Your thick thighs, your brown eyes, your strong arms, your strong laugh, all these make you beautiful, nothing is missing and nothing should be added. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL WOMAN