Its scary how young people are scared of love, commitment, the thought of giving your heart over to someone who MIGHT not appreciate it.

So I tweeted this morning “I cant believe in 2019 we are so afraid of love more than anything”and I got mixed reactions, others still believed love was a beautiful thing while others would rather donate an organ than fall in love, CRY THE BELOVED COUNTRY.

Are we at a place where one would rather contract a disease than love a human being? whether family, colleague or partner. Are we now in a position of witnessing heart being broken like its how everything should be? are we so hurt, so broken, so disappointed that we would rather indulge in temporary pleasures while we bleed our way to the next one?

I watch posts and comments being made everyday about cheating and not getting caught, about women raising kids because their fathers denied them, the very same pain of being denied by a baby daddy, other women wish upon the next woman, because everyone should feel the same pain, right? so where are we headed? Are we going to be a group on innovative and intelligent youth with no souls? when another is getting married, we make comments such as “I give it a year” only because none of your relationships lasted for 6 months.

The stigma, that thick women are for a certain season where did we learn all these things? Love has been a simple thing, the only thing that it ever wanted was 2 people who are willing to work on it but we dont really want to work very hard, we dont really want to put in the work.

I am just saying, if you are okay by yourself, if you know what love is, if you know you are done, if you really want people to experience the same hurt, if love doesn’t live in you no more and you are shaming it, making it look like a bad thing, then why are you still feeling alone?

This is my promise to you and May God help me keep it only because I think you are worth it and you deserve it…I promise that I will forever save you and if I cant, I will try to remind you that you are everything and more.

For the days you fail to look inside the mirror, when your image makes you wonder if you are moving or stagnant, I promise to remind you of where you come from and the fact that you are no longer there anymore, remind you of all the achievements you have and the strength you showed whenever you were supposed to be down but you moved forward, you’ve always been a fighter.

Should you question your beauty, feel oppressed to be something you are not, be tempted to show your flesh as society does, let me help you remember that what you have on the inside is way beautiful than what you hold on the outside, YOU HAVE A MAGICAL MIND and I have seen you at your worst and I still think you are the best. I promise to remind you that each flower is beautiful in its own way, and you are a flower in your own right.

I promise to listen to your silence and believe your truths, understand your dreams and carry you through, listen to your fears, listen to your anxiety and conquer it all, break boundaries and know when to let go, reach out to you when you are drowning in thoughts, lead you to the shore and if you want to jump, I jump too

I promise to never hold you accountable for the results in matters you could not change, I know everyday you do the best you can, I know every minute you hope to be a better you, you can now when you say you are tired I will understand, for each time you exhale, I promise to let you live. So much happens in a short period of time, I will understand when you need to break out from time to time.

I promise to help you love yourself, everyday in every way, love your scars, love your laugh, love your mind, love your life, love everything that makes you who you are even when no one approves, even when someone takes it for granted, even if it gets you confused, I will hold your hand and breathe with you, take every flaw and imperfection and wear it like a crown, nobody is like you and thats why I will choose you everyday all day.

I promise to pray with you, even when you dont have the words to say, even when tears are all you have to share, even when youa re angry and lose yourself, even when you testify and declare war at the enemy, I will fight with you, I will cover you, I will beg God for you, I will speak with a trembling voice to defend you,I will be your hero.

When you cant forgive your past, call on me and forget your pride, I will walk down memory lane with you, heal your inner child, I will break you up with disappointments…they should not be the only relationship you know, I will reconcile you with you future, you better days, your happy days and thats where I want you to be…in a future where pain is nothing you know, where hope and joy are conditions you get to live in, where wealth and peace are your daily breads and when they ask me, WHY YOU? I will say “She deserves it, you dont know what she has been through”

Dear Future Lee.

Let me hold your hand and promise you this, YOU WILL NEVER STAND ALONE, you will never wonder if you are enough, you will never feel the need to fight for your right, you will never wonder where you stand with me because every time you look over your shoulder, I will be there. I promise to help you be a lady that represents elegance and strength, a woman hidden in Christ. Thank you for protecting our honor, for standing by your faith, for never letting social media, challenges, hurt, pain, disappointments and burdens change you. I wont let go of you

For a change, I wanted to post pictures of me in different looks, well…”Simple” looks…..

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I usually get “Are you sure you are from around here?”when I am home, I used to feel a certain way about it, how is it people around the area I grew up in don’t know me? it doesn’t end there, people I went to High School with don’t remember me, those who do, GOD BLESS YOUR HEART because I was the quiet one walking down the corridors, the short, dark skinned, no fashion sense, very dull learner, that was me and amazingly I was okay with it maybe because I knew there is so much more in me and I am there to prove it or maybe because I WAS JUST DIFFERENT and I realised there is nothing I can do about it.

After High School came Tertiary, wow, I really had it tough, book worm, part time student, full time employee, TIRED… tired everyday and nailing my exams but I came out, became more in love with myself the way I am, around my close friends I swear I am funny but in a room full of people I am just a weirdo, when I do presentations I am a fireball but in public events I am the one who goes home before 22:00 to hang with movies and popcorn… In class I ask questions, I am the spokesperson but come lunch, I have 2 male friends and no contact with female species because I dont get them, those I used to get just had other topics to talk about and I dont indulge in them because I AM TIRED so I was boring.

2 years down the line I realised that I have to work twice as hard than the average student because my bank account couldn’t afford to have me relaxing and my surname doesn’t hold many connections, Imagine what that does to an introvert, you become more introverted hence I am so inexperienced in so many things, I had to be forced to focus, less on the world and more into building a life and at 22, that is not easy. Its at that age when I realised that I AM OKAY BEING DIFFERENT, I became tired trying to figure out whats wrong with me, why many things that interest people dont interest me, that I have picked my poison and its getting education, working, building an empire from the ground (Still working on that even today) and for fun, I rather watch Kevin Hart, Chris Rock, Richard Pryor or Eddie Murphy’s stand up comedy, horror movies or documentaries, not that I didnt want to go out and be savage or there is something wrong with that but its not me.

There is nothing wrong with who you are and what you love, there nothing wrong in being different and thats why we have different talents and if its art that you love then be it, live for it, love art with all your heart, if you are a weirdo, be the best weirdo you can be and if you feel so different that no one understands you, take time with those who do, dont rush in building relationships with people who dont accept you for who you are just dont be a narcissist, that now everyone has to bow down and adjust themselves to your character or traits.

Loving myself for who I am is an everyday process, accepting who I am and where I come from is something I learn everyday, that I want to heal from in certain parts and that I want to make better with all my heart and accepting people around me for who they are is also something I try to do everyday, I am a working progress but in love with my flaws

Let’s talk about things that make your skin crawl

How you fell in love and promised to let it go.

The time It hurt so bad,  left with regret

Maybe wrap your fears in a nutshell

Laugh about how its messed up, make it a punchline

Point is, let’s have something this generation can’t get right.

Trusting me is a duty, that I know

You’ve been around and they were never kind

Deep conversations became arguments; they never got your vibe

I am not saying I am no different but I know about life

Now when it rains, when you’ve lost your temper, I understand

Tell me about those childhood memories you are embarrassed about.

You say you have a few secrets, afraid I might freak out

Maybe you don’t know where I have been

Call it “The ghetto” how real can I be?

I have a few tricks up my sleeves, something you’ve never seen

Nothing extreme just something to keep you at ease.

I am not another battle you have to win, put down your weapons

This is not another episode of a broken heart.

Slow down the shots tonight, get out of that club

Trying to forget a few hiccups over whisky neat

In the morning it still feels like another fight

Another headache, another bitter pill to swallow

Maybe we could talk about it, something you never really had

Someone who actually think you make sense

No judgement but something rare

You don’t have to go seek meaning from a stranger when I am here.

If it all makes sense, I’m trying to let you know

That you don’t have to hurt no more

“Give Me Something”

I guess I got caught up
In the rough and tumble
I didn’t mean to cause no trouble
At all, at all
I’m just so sick
Of the dream they’re selling
It doesn’t feel like heaven
At all, at all

So give me something
Oh, give me something
Give me something
I can believe in
Give me something
Come on, give me something
Please, give me something
I can believe in

I fell in love with fear
Oh God, forgive me
Have mercy on me
Oh it’s not easy here
Hey, please excuse the mess
See, I just wanna feel
Oh, I mean really, really feel
It all, it all

So give me something
Oh please God, give me something
Oh give me something
I can believe in
Give me something
Come on, give me something
Give me something
I can believe in

Oh yeah, you got people
But people change their minds
And people change their hearts
With the seasons
And then the songs
They too must end
So tell me now, my friend
Where does that leave us?

Give me something
Come on, give me something
please God, give me something
I can believe in
Give me something, anything
Give me something
Give me something
I can believe in

Starting this blog I promised myself and my readers that I am going to be brutally honest and tell my truths. People are deceived on social media, we portray an image that we have everything but really behind the pictures we are empty and barely getting by. I am not here to lie and I am also not here to spill all the beans about my life, I am here so that someone who has been through the same path as me can relate and maybe we talk and try to figure it out.

I am not trying to save the world, nor be a healer or possess wisdom, I am not Dalai Lama or Oprah or even Rumi but in my Generation, I am just a woman trying to break boundaries and raise awareness, I am trying to reach to at least 10 or more men or women and show them that they are not crazy, its okay not to be okay but while we are not okay, we have an option to stand and try again or just die in pain and sorrow.

I am also helping myself, believe me when I say sometimes I do these videos and write these articles when I am facing anxiety, I will be telling you to heal while I am hurting and I do a video about hope when mine is fading however there is so much strength I get from that, Its like I am speaking to you and also speaking into myself. its a selfless feeling that also rejuvenates me Some people think these motivational speakers have it all together, you log in Facebook and the “Feleb” seems to be having it all, log in to twitter and see these “Twitter Savages” being notorious like they dont have feelings, they cry too, I cry too, Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and set myself right because at the end of the day you are the one who is supposed to help you, you are the one who is supposed to revive you.

I heard the words “You are on your own kid” spoken by a father to his daughter in a music video and I asked myself, “Why would a Father say that to his daughter?” now I realise that some battles not even your soulmate will understand, you will have to fight them on your own, its a fight between you and God, you need to be set apart, you need to be taught a few things about your life.

Do not hate people, do not say “When they need me I am there but when I need them they are no where to be found” No, Maybe this is something God wants you to face alone, away from the crowd that will tell you what not and what to do, BE OKAY WITH FIGHTING YOUR OWN BATTLES.

I cried the whole week last week, I cried so much that I felt my eyes burning every night and I told God that some people go missing and they are never found but we found my uncle even thought He had no flesh on his bones and his bones where scattered all over but we found him, LEARN TO FIND THE POSITIVE, learn to choose your mood even when you are falling apart, learn to know that it shall pass, I walked into the office like Wonder woman, I helped out like I was a warrior princess, I met my targets, then I went home and cried then SET MYSELF RIGHT, I chose to be okay and move on and I need you to know the truth, WE ALL CRY, WE ALL BLEED AND WE ALL HAVE A CHOICE ON HOW WE WALK OUT OF ANYTHING. Do not die in your sorrow, do not kill yourself, do not stay down too long, I will always say this DO NOT STAY DOWN TOO LONG, It migt take a minute, a week, a month but eventually you need to stand up, you need to fight.

Its amazing what God can do, just when you think you gave your last fight and you are on your knees, His angels work for you, work on your behalf, Angel Michael fight on your behalf and Angel Gabriel bring in good news when you think all was lost, learn to know which method to use in every battle, you can not fight 2019 battles the way you fought 2010 battles, Know which angel to call, which prayer to say, either way, CHOOSE NOT TO LET THE FIGHT DESTROY YOU, WALK OUT STRONG

Yesterday I googled “Different types of disorders”and I found a whole bunch from Personality Disorders to Psychological Disorders and I went through them one by one trying to find my diagnosis, I am not saying I figured there is something wrong with me but I was hoping to know myself more.

Many times when we work on ourselves we only want to focus on the positive, we brush away the negative, the ugly and the bad too because no one honestly wants to know that they have weaknesses or maybe a disorder but working on yourself means going through the whole process, from the head to the toes, pulling out the ugly, dealing with your reality, understanding that you might have been wrong many times and you made wrong decisions once or twice and you have bad habits.

So there I was self diagnosing and facing my truth and accepting that if I need help I should search for help, that if I need to bury certain habits that hurt people around me then I should, that I have to stay away from certain circles, that I am obsessive over spellings and grammar and vocabulary so much that edit whatever I read and I have to take it down the notch a bit.

I also realised my fear of crowds, I hate being in huge social event not because I cant dance or I am shy but because I once lost my parents in a crowd as a child (They found me though) but the experience made me uncomfortable so much that I get nervous and panic. Now knowing the cause I have to work on a cure.

Its not easy having to face your negative side, that maybe you are selfish or you have pride but the more you are in denial or you try to hide just so you may not have to deal with it will hurt people around you, its a bitter pill to swallow but understand that you are still royalty still with flaws, your negative habits dont take away the fact that you have value, they dont decrease your worth, they just make you human.

You have been a bad person in someones’s story, maybe you were young and naive, you have made mistakes you are not proud of or maybe landed yourself right in the middle of a huge mess BUT THATS NOT WHO YOU, ITS WHERE YOU HAVE BEEN. find who you are flaws and all, find yourself, work on yourself entirely, wear your crown and love yourself

The first thing I did was go to the bathroom and asked God to help me go through it gracefully, I didn’t want to show signs of struggle, signs of anxiety or even cry when I am trying to work and attract unnecessary attention.

There is an amazing grace that we all need from God, sometimes when we go through things we start thinking that its okay to look like you are going through it, ITS NOT.

I felt like I was tired of going through things and question God why me in all the universe, or cry my heart out but that day, In the bathroom all I asked was Gods will to be done and while I am in the process of going through His will, I may not show signs of war, that my family nay not be torn apart because after this battle, I want to walk out with strength and Wisdom, Not mistakes and bad decisions.

You call God to come into your situation, You call Him to help you like you would call your doctor to feel better. I learned that like a child would call upon their parent yo help them, God also listens and He helps. Your life is not an episode of “Survivor” where God becomes and audience watching you go through trauma and stress to win the price, God does not see you as entertainment and He sits on the couch while eating popcorn, God does not see your struggles as something to brag about. He is still on His throne, He is still in control, He is still the mighty Man Of War. All you have to do is know that He is there and call to Him.

I feel like after this storm I am no longer the same, I feel wise and strong and I hope everyone feels like that after a battle, dont let it take away from you.

On the monday we were told that Uyinene was murdered, was the same monday I also got news that my uncle has been murdered. He has been missing for months now. during winter I had thoughts about him, if he is eating, if he is warm, if he is okay.

But I was hopeful, I come from a strong family so by faith I hoped that someday I will pass by a place and see him, ALIVE and we will go home. I didnt think that his bones will be close to a dam surrounded by stones that killed him. Someone stoned my uncle to death, that person heard my uncle scream, he heard him cry and begging him to stop but he didnt, He made sure that he dies far away from home, lonely, like an animal.

My heart bleeds for Uyinene Mrwetyana and all other women and men who dead a painful death and my heart bleeds for their families. Its hard enough witnessing a person die from sickness, there is tiny comfort knowing that you saw them sick, you saw them struggle but a pain of a person you had a conversation with yesterday, or you imagined spending Christmas and the festive season with, is just unbearable pain.

Pain of knowing that they didnt wan to die because they put on a fight, fighting their killer to survive, to make it…thats also the heart breaking part.

Monday evening I felt like my brain was splitting in 2, I felt the inside of my mouth swelling from the crying, I felt my eyes burning, I felt my heart in pain, Yes, I felt like someone took a knife and stabbed me, I cried for Uyinene and I cried for my uncle.

Uyinene was supposed to graduate, maybe she was her families only hope, she had dreams, she had love and My uncle was supposed to share wisdom, lead the Nondeyi family, be part of my lobola negotiations, share the history our family but someone took him away from us.

My heart is in mourning, I am typing this at work, I feel so suffocated, I feel let down, I feel like we are living with devils in a form of human being, I feel angry, torn apart, I am hurt, I am feelings things I never thought I would, like going to an empty place and just scream and all I can say is “God help us”

People talk to me, give me hugs and I dont even share a tear only in their presence, I guess its true, you truly dont know how strong you are until b eing strong is the only choice you have when doors close and you are all alone, your heart tells you the truth and mine has been bleeding.

Uyinene and other women who died the way you did, REST IN POWER QUEENS.

To my uncle. Go on, go home, You have been found now