On the monday we were told that Uyinene was murdered, was the same monday I also got news that my uncle has been murdered. He has been missing for months now. during winter I had thoughts about him, if he is eating, if he is warm, if he is okay.

But I was hopeful, I come from a strong family so by faith I hoped that someday I will pass by a place and see him, ALIVE and we will go home. I didnt think that his bones will be close to a dam surrounded by stones that killed him. Someone stoned my uncle to death, that person heard my uncle scream, he heard him cry and begging him to stop but he didnt, He made sure that he dies far away from home, lonely, like an animal.

My heart bleeds for Uyinene Mrwetyana and all other women and men who dead a painful death and my heart bleeds for their families. Its hard enough witnessing a person die from sickness, there is tiny comfort knowing that you saw them sick, you saw them struggle but a pain of a person you had a conversation with yesterday, or you imagined spending Christmas and the festive season with, is just unbearable pain.

Pain of knowing that they didnt wan to die because they put on a fight, fighting their killer to survive, to make it…thats also the heart breaking part.

Monday evening I felt like my brain was splitting in 2, I felt the inside of my mouth swelling from the crying, I felt my eyes burning, I felt my heart in pain, Yes, I felt like someone took a knife and stabbed me, I cried for Uyinene and I cried for my uncle.

Uyinene was supposed to graduate, maybe she was her families only hope, she had dreams, she had love and My uncle was supposed to share wisdom, lead the Nondeyi family, be part of my lobola negotiations, share the history our family but someone took him away from us.

My heart is in mourning, I am typing this at work, I feel so suffocated, I feel let down, I feel like we are living with devils in a form of human being, I feel angry, torn apart, I am hurt, I am feelings things I never thought I would, like going to an empty place and just scream and all I can say is “God help us”

People talk to me, give me hugs and I dont even share a tear only in their presence, I guess its true, you truly dont know how strong you are until b eing strong is the only choice you have when doors close and you are all alone, your heart tells you the truth and mine has been bleeding.

Uyinene and other women who died the way you did, REST IN POWER QUEENS.

To my uncle. Go on, go home, You have been found now

”I can show you the world
Shining, shimmering splendid
Tell me, princess, now when did
You last let your heart decide? ”

I used to listen to this song form the movie “Aladdin” and I never really understood it, I mean I was only 15 or below that age, what would I know about these beautiful lyrics that introduces a beautiful feeling? nothing, absolutely nothing until few weeks ago when I watched “Aladdin” again and these lyrics hit me, let me tell you why…

First Verse:

”I can show you the world
Shining, shimmering splendid
Tell me, princess, now when did
You last let your heart decide? ”

I loved how this verse lets you know that love has to introduce you to a different world than that you know, maybe you have known a world of pain or misery but the right person brings you closer to beauty, a different feeling, a different world.

“I can open your eyes
Take you wonder by wonder
Over sideways and under
On a magic carpet ride”

Okay this is cheesy but think about it, dont you want to feel magic? though we know there is no such a thing as magic, but everyone wants to feel those butterflies in the stomach, its magical, You want to feel a wonder, something your heart is not used to.

” A whole new world
A new fantastic point of view
No one to tell us no
Or where to go
Or say we’re only dreaming

A whole new world
A dazzling place I never knew
But when I’m way up here
It’s crystal clear
That now I’m in a whole new world with you”

I heard people say “when you meet the one, you will know” this verse made me realise that we might think love comes with pain and hurt but really a person who comes into your life needs to give you a different point of view, show you exactly how this love feeling can almost feel like a dream if you allow yourself to wait long enough to experience it.

Basically from there on wards the song has almost the same lyrics but I said to God:

Wouldn’t it be amazing if your children had to experience love the way you want them to, because we have fooled ourselves into believing that it should hurt but really it should introduce you to a part of yourself you never knew, show you all the wonderful things you never imagined are there. it should take you on a ride, be willing to bring you closer to God, YES, IT SHOULD BRING YOU CLOSER TO GOD…not sleep at night questioning when will he get home, or have you hiding bruises with concealer or have you feeling alone, or have you wondering your place in someones life. No, thats not love AND I AM NOT AN EXPECT IN LOVE but I know one should not be fighting to be loved, they should not force it out on no one, it should amaze you.

I dont eat breakfast, I know…It doesn’t sound right? its known as the most important meal of the day and trust me I tried eating maybe an apple in the morning or drink Coffee but I cant until maybe 10 a.m

This is where it started, In Primary School, every morning I woke up, dressed up and went to school, then my Parents could not afford to buy those cereals and it was a normal thing in the township, actually if you ate cereal in the morning, you will get to school and brag about it because it was a big thing. I automatically made myself adjust to the fact that I am not supposed to eat in the morning that also helped me bury hurtful feelings such as the fact that honestly even if I wanted to eat toasted bread, cereal or even a fruit, I wont be able to.

There are things that might have happened in your childhood that forced you to change your thoughts or feelings towards life and everything in it, trauma that gave you trust issues and fear of the unknown, there are things that really made you lose hope but PLEASE HEAL. Heal your inner child and let go. I know its hard, a mind is the hardest thing to change but choose to be okay. take small steps and eventually you will get there.

I try to drink Coffee now and next I will be eating a sandwich then a full meal, slowly but surely. It might sound stupid but I am going to break from that, some of us still in adulthood are afraid of the dark because of something you saw as a child. work on that

I decided to forgive you not because of you but because I deserve freedom, I deserve life and I been trapped in the box of unforgiveness holding you to things you dont even remember and I am just an amazing bubble to be kept contained, thats the thing, I had forgotten who I am holding on to thoughts of your pain and what you did wrong and I just discovered that even when you are gone I still allowed you to have a hold on me and I dont think you deserve any part of me, So I am taking away the thoughts of you that still linger on, I am taking away the hurt and the anger I gave you, you also dont deserve that.

Its not that you are a bad person, you are too much of a good person only to yourself and I had been broken trying to fix you and I have been bleeding trying to save you and all of that you didn’t see because at the end you still chose what is good for you, thank you for teaching me something valuable… I learned to focus on me, dont get me wrong you didn’t change me, you just showed me how important it is to be the right woman for myself, make me better work on my heart, work on my strength and work on my path but I am doing it with class, I am doing it not only for myself but also for children I will have and people I will help because they deserve a selfless woman, I am doing it for my family, for my career and for my coming husband because he deserves a free woman and good woman and I cant be that while I stay on sad part of life and regrets.

No, I am not holding you to anything, No I am not begging you for anything, No I am not missing out on anything or hoping for something, I realised late that I have been squeezed and like any other addiction I am dealt with the side effects of you, No I am passed closure, and yes I am passed the 5 stages of grief and I created my last stage, Call it stage number 6 and its “Breaking all holds you had on me” I am glad I met you, Now I know exactly what I should be careful of , I am glad I met you because now I know what I should be praying against and you showed me that I have a heart that can actually love pass a persons flaws and a passion that can go beyond expectations, you introduced me to something people never get to experience and that is love in abundance.

Now I am saying all these to tell you that my soul is finally okay with you, no crying anymore, no hating any more, no anger anymore, no regret anymore and no blame anymore, it took me a while but no reminiscing anymore and I am so ashamed to actually admit I never thought it will feel as good as it feels because I didnt trust myself enough to believe I will heal but this feels so good.

Woke up this morning and again, First thing I did when I opened my eyes was to ask God to give me strength.

Let me take you back 5 weeks ago, I started begging God to be closer to Him, I felt like I have drifted away and honestly, I never felt so naked, so exposed, it felt like I was without a protective shield and I tried to shift the blame to God, It sounds crazy right? But I shifted the blame so that I have something to justify my emptiness, I started saying “But God if you answered my prayers I would be closer to you” I WAS WRONG AND I FELT IT but I forced to believe it just so I may sleep better.

But no one can run away from the truth, you might hide it for a while but eventually it will catch up with you. I was broken, angry and mostly, I didn’t have peace but I thought thats how things should be in this life, that everyday wont always be sunshine, that sometimes you will be happy most times miserable because you have not yet reached things you want to, thats a lie

Do not be comfortable in pain, in ill treatment, in hurt and misery because you think thats what life is about, draw closer to God and you will realise that there are amazing things that you deserve, beautiful things set in place to help you grow and make you happy but we have blocked these things because of the low standards we have set for ourselves.

You deserve love, in its purest form, the kind that wont let you sleep in question of where you stand, you deserve life in abundance, the kind where you will be able to share with people around you, the kind where people will regard you as a blessing, you deserve happiness, you deserve peace and all these things you can have if you decide to walk away from the prison in your mind…you are worthy.

Do not allow the hurtful things that happened in your life make you believe that you only attract hurt, dont let the challenges you face make you believe you dont deserve peace, BREAK THAT SPIRIT. God didn’t create you just for entertainment, that He may see you running around like a headless chicken, bleeding, trying to escape death, No.

God created you to be like Him, thats why He gave you authority over the Earth. YOU HAVE AUTHORITY, start changing your mind, the way you think, start thinking like a King, A Queen because even Angels have been sent to help you, You are not alone, YOU WILL WIN.

I am not going to lie and pretend its easy, sometimes I catch myself crying and remind myself who I am, Sometimes I fall apart and then snap out of it, reminding myself who I am. sometimes I have questions, doubt my faith then remember the amount of power that is backing me up, other days I fight suicide thoughts, other days I fight depression and anxiety but I pray that I may never stay in that dark place. The devil wants you to doubt yourself, doubt God because if you really find out who you are and what you have THEN YOU WILL BE UNSTOPPABLE.

My Dad does not have a fancy job, He does not have that education still he made things happen.

I am not going to lie and say it was easy but when I asked for things my Dad will buy for me and where he couldn’t, I saw it bothered him so I stopped asking.

He might not have been able to buy me the trending things, the flashy things but I always knew he loves me. My mom once told me that I love how your father loves you and dont forget that. I knew even if He didnt get the education he wanted, I got mine, even when he didn’t get the job he wanted, I will get mine. He always tells me “Have your own company” and I see the passion in his eyes when he says that, My dad believe I can handle a company.

When I used to sing at church, sometimes I will look at where he is standing, the joy in my dads eyes will make me feel like I need to sing more for God, I realised that God is love, I saw Him in my Dads eyes.

I love my Mom but this one here is for my Dad, I love them both but this right here is for my Hero. When I make those crazy jokes at home (Yes, I am funny, I make jokes) I know he will laugh low key and when I haven’t been home in a while, he says to me “Next week is a public holiday, You need to be home” best believe I will be home.

My Dad might not be the richest man in the world but he puts bread on our table, He taught me love, self respect, sympathy and most of all, he surrendered me to God.

Usually I draft this open letters to my future self it has never been about anyone else, especially a man, I dont know how this will unfold but its worth a few words.

baby listen, I am not going to let you in to the stress and anxiety I have been lately, trying to build something of my own but I will let you know that you do cross my mind and every time you do I ask God to protect you. I am not thinking about you as much as I wish I could but know that I am jealous of the fact that I cant see you in your good days and your happy days, I am thinking maybe are you okay? I am hoping you understand that its okay not to be okay, so with me you dont have to put on a face, trying to be tough because thats what society says you should be, THATS NOT ME, I am hoping you will be able to let me in, know my purpose is never to hurt you, know that my purpose is to never let you do it alone, I wont let you.

Dont be fooled by the fact that my name means love, and figure that I have an idea what it is, honestly, I loved and lost when I thought I was doing it right, lol… so I am not used to wining in that department, this might mean I would push you away hoping to protect myself from hurting again, but please stay, stay when I am telling you to leave because honestly I dont mean it, stay when I insist that I got it, honesty I aint got it and I will be needing you yet too scared to admit, because the people we have needed have treated us like we never existed, so please stay.

I hardly cry but that doesnt mean I dont feel pain, I do, I deal with it by pushing people away and staying in my little dark place until I feel ready to rise again…what I am saying is, I bottle things away but I have been working on that for you, actually I have been working on a lot of things for you, how I communicate, how I fight, how I get mad, how I should submit which might be difficult because I am independent but I am working on it, for you…talking about fighting, ALL MY LIFE I HAD TO FIGHT and sometimes the only thing I know is to fight, thats not alright..please help me with that.

Okay lets have fun together, date nights, night outs, summer nights.. every other night there is, lets go bungee jumping together, try new things, travel the world, eat their food, try fashion traits together, pillow fights, lol crazy little stupid things like walking in the park, lets have braai, lets visit our friends lets just do everything we never get to do, lets do everything I have been doing alone, lets do it together, get to know the little things that get me to smile, and the stupid things I call happiness. I want to share those with you

I want to make you blush, lol, YES, MAKE YOU BLUSH…tell you all the beautiful things no one has ever told you about yourself, call me at 1 a.m if you are not okay, you cant sleep? your girl got you, call, I might speak in tongues because I am half asleep, but when I realise its you calling, Ia m picking up. You scared? drowning in your man duties? are you getting tired of providing? are you scared of failing? are you nervous about a big meeting? do you need your baby? I got you, make that coffee for you, iron those shirts for you, buy you that thing you need to help your business, is it a briefcase? a laptop, I got you.

Welcome to my Family, I am from a big family, Mom, Dad, Brother, Cousins, Aunts, all together, lol When you meet them, say a scripture or two, lol. it might be hard making Dad laugh, I hope you survive the experience. My Family is Xhosa dominated, we are stubborn, we laugh hard, we cry together, pray together so I promise you, they are the kindest bunch, they get angry,VERY ANGRY, did I mention they are xhosa dominated? that why.

Motho wa Modimo, I cant wait to give you your own plate on those family ceremonies, make a fuss about the fact that you didnt get your food, lol, and when they ask who is your wife, point out to me because I will be looking good, short, brown and respectful. I am the kind you will never be ashamed of. tell them your baby spoils you, tell them your plate is coming with a lot of meat, tell them your baby got you, I will not embarrass you. call you “BABY” when the are listening.

The arguments, I will try my best to have them in the most kind and gentle way, I dont want to open your wounds, I dont want to peel your skin, I dont want to crucify you just meet me half way. I know some days we wont see eye to eye, I know someday we wont like each other, I know somedays we will feel off color, heated anger and say somethings to each other that we dont mean but lets commit to making it happen, making us okay. I will be the one cooling you down when you are above temperature and do that too for me, I know we will be okay.

Other couples party together, hunt together, thats their thing, we will have our thing but what I pray for is that we pray together, love God together, let God be our center, go to church, read the word, love and bow down to only God.

On our wedding day, I dont want many things, I dont even want a wedding day, just you and my family and I will be okay, however its your wedding day too, I will wait to hear what you say, right?

as for the babies, can I name the first 1, because honestly they will have your surname and I dont want to be left out, that my only request, I pray for twins though, lol, 2 at a time baby, then we wait a while, lol.

How about we build an empire? some couple of businesses, live a life of bosses, give people jobs, charity events, invest in somethings, bu shares, that Beyonce and Jay Z thing, do it in style, and never forget where we come from.

I might have left something out, a little mystery has never hurt no one, so here we are, a letter I never thought I would draft and its for you and only you. By the way..just a little details, I am not a girly girl but I love flowers and art

I am a lot of work, I am all over the place, beautifully unhinged, its crazy, I am out of place but in a very beautiful way, All in all sometimes I just don’t know what I am doing, if I am coming or going but I am doing it , sometimes I am all together an alpha female, beta Female and Omega Female and just a typical female and I love it. . other days I am on top of it all, sometimes I struggle to see the top, so I snuggle in bed for a while.

I am trying to let you know that at some point I thought all these awful things that I have found out about myself should have an explanation, I should explain why I love being indoors than having a blast like other kids, explain why I dont know how to let a fight go, explain why I am not a morning person, the devil by morning and angel by night, I have to explain why I am clumsy, Explain why I love God and why I choose to love a God I have never seen,I have been explaining all my flaws all my life and thats not my fight, THATS WHY I BROKE UP WITH SHAME.

So I started trying to right my wrongs, trying not to fight much, trying not to drop whatever thats in my hands, trying not to worry about my future because it makes me grumpy, I was trying all these things just to avoid having to explain my shame, thats the word…All these flaws made me feel ashamed, ashamed that as a woman, I am stubborn and I am a fighter, ashamed that I, at this age still want to get educated while my peers are getting married and having kids, ashamed that the thought never crossed my mind.

But does it bother me? does it bother me that I am a fighter? No because if I was not a fighter I should have never passed my matric after failing, If I was not a fighter, I would have failed my exams and never passed with distinction, while grieving my grandmothers death.

If I was not stubborn, I would have believed any girl who told me to sell myself for money when I was struggling with finances at Varsity, If I was not stubborn, I would have believed that a girl who grew up in a shack, township, one working parent, all odds against her can never graduate or even see the doors of employment or even dare to dream of changing lives and start a venture, If I was not stubborn, I would have given in to defeat

Yes, I worry a lot and yes, worrying gets me anxious, but do you know where that comes from? it comes from looking at my parents and seeing all their sacrifices and wanting to make life better for them, so when things dont seem to go my way,I worry not only about me but about them because I am all they have, I worry about my bank account going empty and because I have been there, I awake in the morning with my fists up ready to fight for my life, So I had to break up with this shame reminding me of all the bad things I am and thats when I realised the treasures in me, thats I am not all bad, even with these flaws, these battle marks, these fight bruises.

I am a lot of work, I am all over the place, beautifully unhinged, its crazy, I am out of place but in a very beautiful way, All in all sometimes I just don’t know what I am doing, if I am coming or going but I am doing it , sometimes I am all together an alpha female, beta Female and Omega Female and just a typical female and I love it. what a way to start a paragraph. other days I am on top of it all, sometimes I struggle to see the top, so I snuggle in bed for a while. BUT I AM WORTH A FIGHT, I AM WORTH THE RISK and so even with all of these, I know I am powerfully and wonderfully made. I am a whole new world, a collection of wonders and mystery, I am perfectly out of place but my story is not done yet. I broke up with shame and I have never been the same.

I want to open up about the fears of a woman my age, someone might ask “What age is that?” Well, its below 27. thats the age where my peers almost have it together, from career to building their families and even having empires, now you can imagine the pressure.

First it starts at home, I am the first born and naturally, I know that I have responsibilities and these responsibilities increase with age, now at this age, the critical age, I need to make soundful decisions that will help me occupy space and have a voice in family meetings which means by now I should at least have a stable or promising career, at least an Entry Level job because everyone who knows my mom will want to know what I am doing to help at home, thats where questions like ”bontse boya jwang bophelo?” comes in, from people who are trying to investigate if the Education my parents paid for is working well for me.

Then its the job, For 3 years I was an intern, I even questioned if my choice of career was wise, I should have studied engineering or Medicine. 3 years straight, praying and hoping for a better life while my peers are now getting Salaries, mine was a stipend and again, YOU CAN IMAGINE THE PRESSURE so I resigned and hoped for the better. I don’t think my heart will ever be satisfied as long as I have not occupied that desired position because even today, I am still searching and the funny part is, some of my peers are not even searching, they are posting Bikini Pictures at the beach with a mystery guy only showing his hand. I could choose their way, the shorter route to money but thats what separates the weak from the strong but the strong also want the long hair and colorful nails, only from our own wallets.

Then comes the ”When are you getting married?” question which is becoming more constant now. The question increases with every achievement, after graduations, they want to know now that you have finished school, who are you loving, then when they find out that you have a job, the question becomes deeper, it goes like..”Now that you have money, who are you loving? then the question gets insensitive about 1 year, it starts including your age, your womb and death, its goes something like ”When are you getting married, your womb will shrink and dont you want your mom to see her grandchildren before she dies?” but what they dont know is, as a woman my age, with my goals and plans and stress and a big mouth and no time and independent and God fearing and determined and focused and introvert and always minding my business, Men dont want that, well some men dont and those who do run away from such a forceful woman after time, while others love the idea of such a woman but dont have the maturity to handle the reality of such a woman. However I am hopeful only 1 guy is ready for my loving, to answer the question…I will get married and you wont even know about it.

The last one, this one is famous from people we grew up with and its “You have changed” like change is ever a bad thing, of course I have changed, I have different goals now, I have anxiety now, I have some accounts to pay now and some of the people I know have died, others have betrayed me and now life is not about fun and braiding each others hair, I dont even have time for hair now and thats because life and situation change everyday and every hour and I need to adjust to the changes, I have to be sharp and up to speed and sometimes that requires me being alone to regroup[

I finally have my own space, I am trying to turn it into my therapy place, the kind where I just walk in form work and I feel completely free. I grew up in a house where we had everything and more when coming to furniture, different chairs, my granny’s art effects, family pictures on the wall, colorful and homely couches and maybe or never a matching mat, it was home and I loved it, Our style advanced with time, we started using neutral colors, being modern and showing some style and class…However I love a semi-empty house with art and fluffy mat, some colors and on the wall, and set of couches comfortable enough for me to fall asleep while reading my books or writing something. but I am scared that when my family visits, they will feel a bit cold and maybe might have a problem adjusting to my style because its different. I want them to feel at home and relaxed but I dont want the same things in my place that I grew up with at home that made everyone feel welcome.

So Here I am with an empty place, googling what might be a family friendly space, the question is, when do you start introducing yourself and who you are to your family? How do you start being your own person? say, in South Africa, the whole family has a certain believe or follow a certain custom, so separating yourself from it might be a suicide thought, how do you start teaching your family the real person you are?