You’ve been clocking in with the weight of the world on your back.

Still moving like a king who never learned how to fall.

Some fold under fire but you? You wear the war like it’s tailored.

Grace in your grip. Power in your calm.

There are many good men but you quiet the room without saying a word.

I don’t need medals to know what strength looks like.

Some men speak loud, but you?

You echo long after you’ve left the room.

In respect to the king you are, I cater a meal.

I prepare the evening like a prayer, I wait for you skin glowing, coated in honey

I set the night with intention.

Low light. Open door.

A slow burn humming through every room.

I know you love your meals rich  layered, wet with intention, served hot and unbothered

So I plate it just right, 

centered, presented like art,

This is ceremony. A feast, You don’t need to ask if it’s ready, you know it always is. 

Eat up, give me a chefs kiss because I’ve outdone myself, Nothing about me is fragile 

This isn’t just dinner, it’s satisfying your hunger, with a side of mischief,

and dessert served under low light

and no fabric.

And when you reach your edge

I go with you , every time.

your head tips back when the tension breaks, the way you call my name like it belongs in church

The way your breath stumbles when it’s too good to hold back 

That’s the part I crave.

That’s what you get for making a house a home, that’s what you get for being you.

😜 lol, yep, I wrote this at 05:13 am, I omitted a lot to maintain the respect! One day the original, long version will surface, for now let’s keep it here!!!!

I don’t usually do this, Honestly, I prefer peace

But I’d be doing womanhood a disservice if I didn’t say something

Please, don’t take this the wrong way

This isn’t shade

It’s… appreciation in its most poetic form

Because I get it now

You were the one who led him to me

That hot summer day when the stars clearly had better plans for him

You, who called him weak…

Sis, I don’t know which man you were looking at

But you must’ve had your eyes closed

Thank you!!!! ☺️

No, really, thank you for hurting him

Thank you for making him question his worth

It sounds dark, twisted… a little cruel of me maybe

But stay with me….

If you hadn’t exposed your true self he would’ve stayed

Because he’s the kind of man who stays

If you hadn’t pushed him so far

He wouldn’t have let go

Because he doesn’t give up easily

And that’s one of the many reasons I love him

Woman to woman

He came to me carrying ghosts you gave him

Insecurities you nurtured

Trust issues watered by your betrayal

He walked small

Heart wide open

Broken

Well, it’s mine now

And I don’t mind the rebuilding

Because in his brokenness, I found beauty

Through your chaos, he found clarity

You showed him what love isn’t

So when he met me, he recognised what love is

The man you belittled

He holds me like I’m the most delicate thing in the world

The one you doubted

He’s my biggest cheerleader

He’s thriving, Sis, thriving I said, the man is happy!!!

You gave him hell

Now he knows heaven

And guess what

He calls me his angel… heaven sent! That’s me!

So really, you were necessary to our story

Thank you for sending him back to God

Because that’s where he found me

Now I don’t want to gloat

Okay, maybe just a little

But he’s safe now

Fed

Loved

Whole

You’ve probably noticed how he moves these days

That glow, that’s love

Real love

Not the performative kind

The kind he never had until now

I wasn’t even looking for love

I wasn’t even chasing

But he found me and stayed

So truly, thank you

Because a grateful heart attracts blessings

And I got mine

He loves harder now

He shows up without being asked

And just in case you were wondering

He’s safe with me

This piece was inspired by Sam Smith’s song “Make It to Me,” specifically a TikTok cover where a woman changed the lyrics to say “I wanted you to know he is safe with me.” That simple line stuck with me.

We often hear about women being saved by love, as if love exists only to rescue us. But a man being safe in love is just as important. A man being loved right matters too. So I wanted to flip the usual narrative. This time, it is the man who gets to be saved. The one who finds healing, softness, and security in love.

Lately, I have really been enjoying writing about love, especially from this perspective.

I prayed on it. 

I sent my sorrow up to the heavens,

Not in elegance, but in desperation.

I had danced with wrong love too many times. 

Men who could not see me, Men who wanted my silence more than my soul.

I softened my voice, crossed my legs.

Painted my toes white, and tucked my words behind a fragile smile

“Don’t talk back” they said “men don’t like women who talk back” in my silence, still there was a struggle. 

So I looked to the heavens again 

“Is there something in me that repels devotion?”

“Is my soul too wild for someone?”

And the stars were silent.

“Fix me Jesus! fix me” I cried 

In that stillness a voice not of this world said…

“Do not pray for a man.

Pray for the return of yourself.”

So I stopped chasing shadows and let myself be emptied.

I wept like the prophets,

Folded my faith in prayer and placed it at God’s feet.

Became one with the angels, seeking not for a face but for a presence.

Not for a name but for discernment.

I prayed and prayed

Even when the sky returned nothing but the echo of my own longing, I prayed. 

And then below….You.

You did not arrive to fix me, you arrived to see me.

To sit beside the woman who had forgotten the sound of her own laughter. 

You love! 

And you love me with reverence, with patience and devotion that made my past

seem like a bad translation of love.

I prayed for loyalty you came with truth.

I prayed for protection you arrived with peace.

you came slowly like breath, like water, like something God sends when He is sure that you have finally come home to yourself.

So this is what prayer does? 

For now stands a man who does not interrupt the healing but influence it.

who does not flinch at the weight of emotion but stays steady in its storm.

And I realise miracles do happen and this one is mine, I’ve won.

He…. 

loves me out loud in front of eyes that once watched me break.

sits at tables and saves me a chair, he makes room for me and really considered what I have to say.

He keeps his word like a man who walks with God.

And if you ask me what love is now, I have the answers 

I will tell you… love is  not only the arrival of peace but also a return to oneself.

It’s a home that has always being built with  every no, every goodbye, it’s the end of trauma and the beginning of peace.

It’s  not perfection but the acceptance of flaws.

It’s not grand gestures but a daily choosing.

I bless the breaking that brought me to my knees.

I bless the waiting, I bless the God who heard me when I thought He’d gone quiet.

And I bless the day He said yes.

And named you my saving grace.

He called my name and said  “beloved. You’ve waited long enough.”

I was listening to India Arie’s “He Heals Me” recently. The last time I heard it, I was in a relationship I thought would last. I truly believed love was enough. But the man I was with didn’t have a relationship with God, and yet I hoped he could love me the way God intended a man to love a woman, like Christ loves the Church. he wasn’t connected to God, he hadn’t spoken about faith, he didn’t pray and boy did I pray up a storm for him, I was a prayer warrior lol, wow!  He hadn’t set foot in a church in a long time. Yet somehow, I still believed he would do right by me… silly little girl I was. 

Looking back, I realise how misplaced that hope was. I loved the feeling of love, but I didn’t understand the depth of love rooted in God. This time, hearing the song hit differently. When India said,

“Then he made me laugh, and I knew it was a sign,”

I understood.

Life can be heavy. Laughter doesn’t come easy when your heart has been through a lot. So when someone brings joy back into your life, it’s not luck. It’s a blessing. It’s a sign of God’s grace.

This is just a reminder: God is still answering prayers, even the ones about love. Even yours. Your kingdom spouse isn’t forgotten. They are being prepared, just like you are.

Hold on. Healing love exists. And God hasn’t overlooked you.

I isolate not to disappear, but to protect the softest parts of me.

A homebody by instinct, a lone flame I’ve kept lit in quiet rooms.

Anti-social? Yes.

Overthinker?Always.

Jesus in my breath.

OCD in my bones.

firstborn of an African house, raised in duty, dressed in pressure, never taught how to stay where love feels too close.

I move too fast, talk before I’m asked,

interrupt the silence because I already know the script.

Small talk feels like noise but your voice? I could let it fill me like music,like breath.

I love the way you say my name, slow, low, like you’re tasting it first.

Your accent curls around each word, turning sound into touch.

Your kindness undresses me not skin but fear.

It’s like your soul was given instructions on how to cradle mine, like you knew the shape of my ache before I ever said a word.

Your hands speak in heat and weight, strong enough to anchor me, gentle enough to ask permission.

When you walk, the world slows, your body in rhythm like something divine. And when your lips find my forehead, your scent stays, warm spice and something holy. It lingers on my skin, long after you’ve gone.

Your skin is lighter than mine but when we touch we make the shade between honey and dusk.

Caramel and chocolate blending, blooming, brown-eyed children dancing in daydreams. 

I could live without you but I don’t want to.

I want your voice in my ear, your hands on my hips, your breath in my mouth, your presence written all over my quiet life.

My mother best not read this, the church must not find out. I’m on my second plane now ready for take off, I’m finally making it home even though I heard that the city is cold. I have been on the costal areas for too long that I forgot the Free State breeze and even though it has been warm where I’ve been, I’m glad I’m going back to my apartment to drink my green tea and carry on with my diet.

But this, my gorgeous lady is for you to read, if there is a man loving you right, send it to him! Let him know how he makes you feel…

As for me, I’m taking off

I want to be in a place where you can always find me.

no games, no time to waste.

And I just want to stay beside you, even in death, even at the end.

It’s never easy letting go of everything you’ve ever known but I’ll do it gracefully, because I see how much you give, how much you sacrifice without ever asking for anything back.

And if there’s still a drop of pure love left in me,it’s yours, ALL OF IT!  Even the parts I’ve hidden,the parts I swore I’d take to the graveI’m sharing them with you.

I’m opening up,blooming wider than any flower because you make it safe to be seen.

No shame. No fear. I’m not holding anything back.

I can’t help falling in love with you despite what the wise men say, I feel the rush… yes, I am the fool who’s rushing in

We’re doing 180 on an 80, running red lights like promises I’d never break.

I’d put my life on the line for you.Stand in front of a bullet. And if I die maybe I’ll come back and haunt you, I am joking bae, I’ll take you with me… No that’s a joke too, but you jump, I jump right? Like Jack and Rose on the Titanic… Only we both make it out, there’s no freezing in my arms. 

I know, it sounds a little dark, maybe even twisted but that’s just how wild it feels to love you.

I feel like I will do all the things I said I won’t do.

Wrote two poems in a plane, this is the second one. Both the poems are really without structure, I must admit, I’ve been writing like I am making an entry in my diary, only I’ve been using my notes and it’s been the best thing ever. I wasted so much time trying to sound good, to make my writings make sense, trying to be a writer, I am done with that, you are about to read the most unhinged and unplanned writing ever, unedited and raw.

The plan is to write about love as much as I can, the good, the bad and the ugly too, sometimes nasty, Sometimes holy but all of that will be me, so leave your judgement until we meet at the pearly gates of heaven since you’ll be a security guard there, I hope you will be allowed to say a word or two, now you see? Get it? You’ll be on the same queue with me, awaiting the King! Now does your judgement matter? No, it doesn’t… but yours is definitely coming, so stay on your lane and give the throne to God. But for those who just love reading! Let’s just read, let’s keep reading

And may every girl get to experience a love that makes life better.

The last couple of days have been amazing on, even my skin is changing

Exhibit A

Actually, my whole being is changing

I can’t explain it, I feel like I am giving Lerato a chance, it has always been about everything else but me, everyone else, a whole lot of me transferred to everyone else but me and for a very long time I thought that’s how it should be and I was so unfair to me; so I am starting to love me AGAIN

I am starting all over AGAIN

I am learning me all over again, I am taking her into consideration, I am refusing to put her last, I am learning to allow her to be imperfect, to take it easy, to rest at night and have joy in the morning. Sometimes God destroys somethings to the root so that you stop clinging to it, He breaks the alter into ashes so much that it will hurt your soul to go back and rebuild it… and that’s how some endings bless your life.

People should simply love you for who you are and not for performance… I mean, you don’t need to prove yourself before you could win them over, you don’t need to always be the help before you feel appreciated, you need to be able to say no and know that it won’t be an offence , I’ve learned that it’s okay to set boundaries and say no, we keep learning

Anyway…

Its all love

One day, I’ll wake up in a quiet farmhouse, far from the noise of the city. A place where the mornings begin with soft light and birdsong, not traffic. Where the land is wide, the air is clean, and peace is the language of the day.

I want a yard with space to grow my own spinach, in a little garden that reminds me daily of patience, growth, and grace. A few chickens roaming freely, giving us fresh eggs and gentle company. I dream of having a cat and a dog both female so that one day, there’ll be tiny paws padding across the floor, some kittens and puppies for my kids, a small family of fur wrapped in love.

I want goats, maybe a stallion if I dare to dream boldly, two cows for fresh milk, and lambs grazing quietly in the fields. Life, growing and breathing all around me.

At the back of the house, there will be a swing where I’ll sit and watch my children play as I prepare dinner or wash the dishes. And just beyond, a garage where both my husband’s and my cars are safely parked, with a Braai stand in the corner that waits patiently for Sunday afternoons. After church, he’ll handle the Braai while I make the salads, the house filled with the scent of food, grace and calmness.

I want a big tree in the garden, you know those trees we read about in fairytales? The big, giant trees that have been part of the family for a while!!!! I want that kind of tree where we’ll host simple lunches with close friends. A small, Spirit-led circle of love, no gossip, just grace, prayer, and presence. A community that reminds us we’re never alone… good friends

In the evenings, I’ll sit with a warm cup of coffee, watching the sun set from a kitchen bathed in natural light. And I will thank God, knowing that every piece of this dream is held in His hands.

Far from the noise. Close to my heart. A farmhouse that isn’t just a home, but a quiet, sacred life.

My beautiful farm house

Last year, today I was involved in an accident. I had no idea how, I knew that I was in the wrong, I WAS WRONG. Few days after this accident were difficult. I had kept it away from my best friend (at that time, I decided to part ways and that’s a story for another day) and family (because for some reason I felt like they shouldn’t worry about me yet I worry about them, crazy huh? ) I had never been in this predicament, I was scared, nervous and guilt consumed me.

“How can I not be able to be careful with a car that God blessed me with? Why of all places, I wanted Mochachos fried chips? I should have just had lunch at work.”

These were words that ran in and out of my mind every time I was silent, they haunted my dreams, I felt like I failed Ruu (That’s short for “Ruach HaKodesh” the name I gave my car, it means Holy Spirit because it’s white” I was so hard on myself, I failed Ruu, I am a reckless driver and when the insurance declined my claim, I then had to deal with finances to fix this car alone. I just paid up all my debts, now I need a loan of which I took 2 (they are all currently paid up)

My baby was ripped apart, I could see parts of her that I didn’t want to see and I drove her like that to the garage, it was at this garage where I called a friend of mine and asked him to pretend to be my husband so that I don’t get scammed (you know yourself and for the kindness you showed me, may God increase you and all that you do, a lot of people walk away and that’s why I dont bother them, you were a stranger but you stayed, thank you”

Now, my baby got fixed and now the biggest task was to drive after that accident, I fetched her alone and I remember in the car I said “God, this car will never be in an accident of any sort or any car I will drive, all the cars I will drive will never claim a life, not mine or anyone else’s, just because I am sitting on the drivers seat, no harm will be done to me, the car, other drivers and pedestrians around me” and then after that prayer I had to cast fear away because I knew where it came from..

I’ve never and will never be involved in anything of that manner, and this I declare in Yeshua’s name.

You’ve heard of this story before but tonight I just don’t want you to read it but to see the goodness of God in it and how things will happen but will never be the end of us. I want you to see the evidence of His presence that even if I didn’t know anything about cars, He gave me a friend who did even for that moment, I want you to see a God who speaks in the little things we think are normal but are actually a trauma response and how He makes you see it so that you may be healed from it (because how could a person be in an accident and not tell people who she loves? See sometimes we grow up and we don’t realise that our parents are learning too and sometimes they will keep on repeating trauma , passing it on to their children and we pick that trauma up and think it’s normal for a child to be dependent on themselves)

I want you to see not an accident but Gods way of showing me what love is, how I wanted to do right by baby Ruu, how I made time and research to make sure that she was okay and fixed, how I left the insurance at a time I felt was right so she may have the treatment she deserves, I understood then that love will never leave your side, after the accident I’ve been extra careful how I treat my baby, I couldn’t stop saying “I am sorry” to a car! I was apologising to a car! Feeling guilty about not being cautious and making a promise that I will drive safe, this is what the bible means “love is not prideful” love apologises when it’s wrong, love wants to give you the best of what it has and that’s how I saw the Fathers love towards me. They had to remove 2 doors from Ruu, I had an option to buy second hand but I chose brand new doors because I love Ruu, I wanted the best parts for her so this is why the Father, my King keeps working on me, He wants me not to just function but live at my best.

I want you to see a God who put me back on my feet again. I was laughing thinking about it, where did I get all that money to fix Ruu in 2 weeks and I remembered that I made 2 loans, I EVEN FORGOT THAT I HAD A LOAN.

So please listen, there is never a place where you will be and God won’t pull up for you, He knew you will be there before you did and He allowed it to happen because He knew you would take it… honestly sometimes the things that happen in our lives are just consequences of our own actions and we need to go through the refining process so we may learn and be better but still, He will never leave you in that valley just like He didn’t leave me when He knew I caused that accident

The love of the father ❤️ is just so deep that He looks pass what we’ve done and He focuses on our hearts and not the mistake but like a Father, God will discipline you, like the bible says in Proverbs, teach a young man the ways to live while they are a child so that when they grow they won’t depart from it (I forgot the chapter and verse)

Now, when you look at me, when you read my uploads please see the evidence of the presence of God, please see the goodness of God and do not ever limit my God the weaknesses you know about me, please don’t measure Him according to the things you know about me, even if you saw me fight (God is still working on that part of me) laugh at a child fall (I am still letting go of dark humour) do not limit my God according to how you feel about me… the God in me is still great even if you don’t like the way I talk.

Now, in January I cried more than I have in all the 2024 months combined but these were different tears. Something happened home in December that made me realise that the way I behave in certain scenarios that involve emotions is really bad and after speaking about it to a few people (2 Pastors, 2 therapists and myself) I realised that I have detachment issues and they have cause a certain reaction to problems that involve emotions and if I want to be a great mom and wife one day, I need to work on them. I had to look into the root and accept it so I may not pass it on to my kids.

There I was realising that I am going head on with a demon that has been tormenting the women in my family and I have to stand against it for the sake of my kids.

I call that period a blessing because I got to see that God was speaking though people around me way before it happened and it was the same message that I hated to hear and it was said by different people. I am not an angry person, so where does this need to fight for myself come from? Why can’t I ask for help? Why do I cry when I am angry and why am I angry? I never used to cry so much, which part of me found freedom to know it’s okay to feel and be vulnerable and why did I think crying was a sign of weakness? And why did I think I should be weak?

I am learning, I am open to corrections and I want to be better, so me and King Jesus have been polishing some rough edges. I am working on breathing techniques too for panic attacks even though I am healed from anxiety (I will speak this even when I am having an anxiety attack so that the devil knows that I believe in my healing even when I am grasping for air) I am learning to let go of control, I am no longer in my head about the things I can’t control or I’ve lost when I didn’t know better… I am learning to forgive certain decisions I’ve made when I had no idea what God wants to do.

So if you met me more than 5 months ago, I apologise for being difficult, the walls I built were not all necessary, some were an indication of help but I am glad that it happened because God had to protect you from me, there were parts of me I wasn’t ready to deal with because dealing with them meant facing the truth which I was trying my best not to tackle. I thank God that He saved you from me because I would have given you the “silently and secretly hurting” version of me who believed that everything was okay when it was not and you wouldn’t have been able to save me in any kind of way, as a friend, as a partner, as a confidant or even a neighbour. I was not equipped to handle certain emotions and I could have given you the same spirit I needed deliverance from.

God is forever good, my mind hasn’t changed about Him even whenI don’t blog much, like I said… I was giving from an empty cup and I promised myself that I will never do it again, so be patient with me while I go through this session (attending therapy and just diving deep into who I am without things that happened or where I come from) because I want to be able to come to this platform and give you the best of what I got not what I hope to get.

About this platform, I might delete every entry and start in a different platform, more private and with good features. I haven’t decided yet if I want to complete delete this account or keep it but I know that this platform is not working anymore and it’s time to move. No sweat, I will announce it when I all set and ready.

I’m the evidence of Jesus unfailing love, that He will leave the 99 for 1. I am evidence that we all look put together but we are not, it’s grace that hides us from the world so much that we look like we have it all together, it’s all in His grace. I am the evidence of His faithfulness, when you see me, please be reminded of Gods faithfulness that He is true to His word, If He spoke it, it will never be reversed, no evil above the earth or under will stop it, so if He loves, there is nothing even you can do about it

Dear reader, I love you

⚠️⚠️please take note that I didn’t edit this post, I am typing from my phone and I have no idea how many grammatical errors I’ve made, just please read through them, see my heart because I am expressing this message straight from my tiny heart.

I have looked into the mirror of my soul and found it fractured, a thousand reflections, none of them kind. I see myself and I ask: Am I worthy? The question lingers, heavy, as my mind spins in circles of doubt. Perhaps it’s the weight of my own choices, or the poisons I’ve let into my life, or the silence of my body speaking in ways I don’t understand. But in truth, I’ve been reckless. I’ve been untethered, unhinged, and there are moments I wonder if you should be this close…aren’t you afraid of me like everyone else?

The shadows rise, the voices in my head speak clearer than ever, louder than ever. I am wrestling with myself, trying to heal the wounds of a girl still hiding in the dark corners of my heart. I am guarding her fiercely, do not mistake it for distance. It is not a game I play with you. There are parts of me you may never understand, yet you do not walk. You are consistent.

You hold my hand. In the crowd, where everyone sees, I expect you to let it go, you tighten your grip. You open doors for me, though you know I’m not accustomed to such kindness. But you do it anyway. You do it with patience, with grace, with love. You see the storm within me, and you choose to stand beside me, not to flee from it. You’ve learned my silence, my language of hesitation, and you speak to me without words, you are not a slave to your pride when it comes to me. You bring war to an end to save me.

I love the way you are with me.

When my nerves cause me to bite my lip, you notice, and without hesitation, you calm the tremors in my hands. You do not retreat when I try to pull away, nor do you ask for time, for space. You stand by me, steady and unwavering. Every day, I am in awe of the way you are with me. You speak softly, but your love is loud enough to fill every corner of my heart. You say you are proud to have me, and in those words, I find a home; a place I have never known. No one has ever looked at me and said, “I am proud of you,” but you say it, and I believe it. You call me amazing, and somehow, you see the woman I have been too afraid to see. How did you know? How did you see through the walls I have built?

You do not shrink from the challenge I am. You do not remind me of the ways I am difficult. Instead, you kiss my forehead, tenderly, as though you already know that I have fought, and I have struggled, and I have fallen. You buy me flowers, and you tell me, “We have time. Forever is a long time to figure us out.”

No one has ever seen beneath my masks. No one has ever taken the time to see me for who I am and loved me anyway. No one has ever been ready for me the way you are. You have prepared for us, for the long road ahead. You have prayed, you have fasted, you have cleansed your heart, and you have loved me before I even knew. You are not passive in your pursuit of me, you show me that you yearn for me, you are relentless, steadfast, unafraid of the work it takes to love me.

I love the way you are with me.