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I LOVE IT ALREADY

Happy New Year, my friend. Yes, I know I am late. By now, you are probably tired of hearing “Compliments of the New Year,” but I still want to send my heartfelt wishes your way. I hope this year brings you joy in abundance. I pray you soar in love and find yourself embraced by peace. I love this for you and I want you to believe it for yourself.

This is your year. Go back and try again where you have failed before. Pick up the things that once defeated you. This time, you will win. This year is different. It is restorative. What was lost will be restored and there will be plenty. Trust me, you will not lack. You will not bury a loved one. You will not feel alone. Love will find your heart after pain. Your heart, once numb and cold, will come alive again. It will beat with purpose and joy, more than just pumping blood to keep you going.

As for me, I love 2025 already. It started with hard truths that I could not avoid. Truth hurts, but it also sets you free. I am lighter now because I faced it.

We all carry questions about life. We wonder about family, careers, and the plans we make. We ask why some things do not work out the way we hope. Despite our achievements, there are voids that linger, leaving us curious about our place in the world. We wonder how others see us and whether they view us as blessings. It is a strange feeling to discover that not everyone does.

But that is also a moment of clarity. It is when you stop living for others and start living for yourself. I pray you never find yourself trapped in someone else’s expectations. Do not waste your life trying to please people who will always find fault. This year, choose to live your truth. Forget what they say or expect. Their opinions will change, but your life is yours to live.

For me, 2025 is all about stepping into a new season. Money flows to me effortlessly. I am never lacking. I have enough to take care of myself and plenty to share with others. This year looks good on me. I am checking off every goal with ease. I am excelling in all that I do, producing excellent results with grace.

I am the right choice in every room I walk into. Opportunities are drawn to me. My destiny helpers are everywhere, always ready to lift me when I need it. Love surrounds me completely. It is the kind of love that heals and restores. It is safe, secure, and pure. It brings me closer to God and helps me see the beauty in myself and the world.

This year is going to be exciting, a little scary, and completely powerful. I am ready for all of it.

Challenges will come, as they always do. They will test your faith and your patience. When that happens, lean into who God is. Read the Word and learn more about the King of Glory. Believe in His plans for you and trust that you deserve the blessings coming your way.

This year, you will see many happy moments from me. I hope to see just as many from you.

No matter what happens, hold on to God. He is the anchor and the one who restores all things. Here is to 2025, a year of fresh starts and big wins. Let us embrace it fully and make it count.

DO NOT LET GO OF GOD

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Suicide Note

Ladies and gentlemen, lets gather here to pay our last respect, to all the things holding us back, may they rest in peace…

but first…..

I’ve been thinking about everything I was able to do this year, the things I never thought I would feel and the things I have learned not to feel. It has been a long journey of self-discovery, and I am proud of myself for how far I’ve come. Of course, I didn’t do it alone. I cannot take the credit; all the glory goes to God. Even though there are things I didn’t receive and places I didn’t reach, I remain hopeful. And though some dreams were delayed, I am still grateful.

This year brought me through so much, from surviving an accident to relocating, navigating academics, and experiencing spiritual revival. I’m most proud of allowing myself to truly feel this year. Yes, believe it or not, I allowed myself to feel, and what a rollercoaster ride it’s been. But here I am, standing, and I’m glad to announce that I do, in fact, have a heart, and it still works. It feels emotions I don’t even have names for.

This year, I fell in love. I faced my anxiety head-on. I discovered who I am outside of anyone else’s validation or feelings toward me, and I stuck to it. I fell in love all over again with my dreams, my passions, and my faith. For the first time, I embraced my feelings and learned that it’s okay to have them.

Since 2020, my timeline has been a blur. Those years, 2020 to 2022, felt like I was on life support, alive but not truly living. I could hear everything around me but had no control over my life. Those years were about healing and discovery, though not all discoveries were easy or pleasant. I uncovered things about myself that broke me and brought me to my knees. Those revelations led me to surrender, to open myself up to God completely, and He showed up for me in ways I never expected.

2023 became a year of stepping out of healing and stepping back into life. It wasn’t easy. I didn’t know how or where to start allowing new things into my life as I transitioned into adulthood. So, God did what only He could: He separated me from a lot, from toxic bondages, friendships, and habits. He gave me the courage to attend therapy, and through that, I began to discover a version of myself that I truly love.

The people who met me this year met the best version of me, and it’s only the beginning. I’m proud to say I am at a good place. I love the reflection of prayer and healing that I see in myself. I’m not perfect, and I don’t aspire to be. What I aspire to is being happy and at peace with myself. God spent so much time with me this year, reminding me that there is nothing wrong with me. I am His perfect creation.

Now, back to murder: killing things that really need to be buried…

I’ve stayed too long in situations where I was mistreated. I’ve accepted countless apologies and taken people back who fumbled me, but not anymore. I’ve learned that I don’t have to. Love stays, it doesn’t leave and expect to be taken back. And I am learning not to go back either. If you give me a day to live, to tackle life without you, to figure it out on my own, then I will, even if it breaks my heart. And when I do, I won’t come back and you don’t have a right to ask me how did i survive or what did the sharks do to me when you left me in the middle of the ocean to drown, leave me alone like the way you did, it should be easy, right? you’ve done it before… stay away

This year, I also returned to Potchefstroom, a city I once hated, a place that felt like a prison for two long years. Those years were filled with nightmares, a toxic job, and an abusive relationship. I stayed in both, believing I didn’t deserve better. But this year, I went back not to relive the pain but to reclaim my power. I shopped for myself, bought perfumes, makeup, and shoes. I went to parks, had picnics, and bought myself flowers. I had a great time and all of a sudden I realise that this city is so small to break a heart as big as mine, I let it, I let this city feel like it can break me because I didnt know myself…

now, word of advise to the ladies reading this…in the words of J cole “love yourself girl or no one will”, I used to sing to the song “crooked smile” and I missed it, I missed the words and because of that, I allowed myself to stop smiling.. but this time, not only was I smiling in Potchefstroom, I came back with a big butt, a hairline, glowing skin and thick little body…YOU CAN NOT TELL ME THERE THIS IS NOT GRACE.

When I left Potch, I did something Prophetic to declare my freedom and forgiveness to what happened and maybe, some parts of me that have carried it. I stood at the border of Potchefstroom, I made a declaration: the devil no longer has power over me. He can no longer torment me with who I was when I lived there, the mistakes, the foolishness, the attachments that weren’t from God. I forgave everyone who hurt me, from the abusive and toxic relationship to the racist colleagues. And most importantly, I forgave myself…becuase, what was I thinking? anyway, it is now water under the bridge, I am so happy that I am here now.

At that border, I declared death to anything I was still connected to, anything that still made me feel ashamed and gave me nightmares, I left a suicide note, not one of despair but one of transformation. I declared the death of my old self.

Sometimes, we need to leave suicide notes for our old selves. We need to die to the habits, thoughts, and feelings that keep us stuck. Whether it’s self-pity, shame, or toxic patterns, we must let them go.

And so, this is my suicide note. I am killing the doubt, the disbelief, and the sins that have kept me from my best self. I am dying to anything that kept me in rooms I should have left long ago.

Now, let me reintroduce myself. I am a child of God, His favorite daughter, walking in grace and anointing. Angels go before me, clearing the way. I am kind, soft, and a reflection of God’s love. I am a vessel through which others will witness His glory.

My children will walk in the Spirit, unashamed of the gospel. My husband will love me as Christ loves the church, a faithful, kind, and God-fearing man who leads with strength and gentleness. Together, we will be a testimony of God’s faithfulness.

I declare all of this boldly because I have tested God, and He has never failed me. He will never let His righteous be put to shame.

And so, it shall be done, not otherwise.

Stay blessed.

oh by the way, this is how I am going to be very soon, watch https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YBncGFCqEOA

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It’s a pretty rare happiness that i know

This might be a little long but I am at a point where I feel like people knowing my truth is the beginning of me living, no more cropping, editing or filtering, the picture is perfect AND I LOVE IT HERE

It’s 02:30am on a Saturday morning, and I just finished cleaning my apartment. My brother is visiting, and I know if he finds it dirty, he won’t respect it or me the way I hope he will. I started cleaning at 6:30 p.m., and as I was cleaning I was also listening to sermons by Pastor Stephanie Ike Okafor. Her sermons have been playing nonstop, and I thank God for using her to share His word which came as a conformation in my life, God has a beautiful way of reaching to us.

As I am cleaning, I found myself asking God questions, questions that came from a place of doubt and insecurity. I wondered, “Have I lived enough?” It was a silly thought, but it came from something I noticed earlier in the day while scrolling through WhatsApp statuses. I saw my colleagues at a work function, a closing party. They were singing along to amapiano songs, word for word, smoking hubbly, and sitting in circles. They seemed to be having fun and I knew immediately that if I was there, I would be a spoilsport.

And there I was, realising I wouldn’t fit in. I don’t know the lyrics to any amapiano songs. I’m allergic to nicotine, so I couldn’t sit in a hubbly circle. I couldn’t even imagine dressing the way they did and they looked beautiful but that’s not me. But even with all this, I still felt bad like something was wrong with me for not fitting in.

For years, I’ve struggled with this feeling of not belonging. I’ve tried to fit into crowds, which led me to people-please. I would downplay my love for God, hoping that if I seemed more like everyone else, they would accept me. I just wanted to be seen. But I was going about it the wrong way.

Thank God for His Word. Through these sermons, I was reminded that my identity is in God, not in the world. I don’t need to fit in with others because I belong to Him. In John 15:19, Jesus said, “If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world.” That verse reminded me that it’s okay to be different because God has set me apart.

Someone asked me recently why I only write about God and love, and not about things like drugs, sex, or nightlife, the things they said are “exciting.” My answer was simple: I don’t know anything about those things. For years, I felt bad about that, like knowing only God wasn’t enough. I thought I needed to know how to flirt, party, down shots, be cool like but or sin just enough to relate to people. I thought I needed to write about those things to seem cool. But this year, God has been working on my heart. He’s showing me that knowing Him is all I need.

I’m not perfect. I struggle with faith, sin, and self-esteem like everyone else. Sometimes God tells me to do one thing, and I do the opposite. But even in my weaknesses, God’s grace is enough for me. Isaiah 43:1 says, “Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name; you are mine.” That’s who I am, God’s baby girl. Fragile, cautious, and sensitive, but His. And that’s enough for me.

So, to anyone reading this, I won’t apologise for not fitting in. I won’t write about things I don’t know. What I will write about is God’s work in my life, how He corrects me, speaks to me, and reveals Himself to me. I’ll write about the things I love: academics, art, photography, books, and the life God is shaping for me. One day, I’ll share stories about being a wife and mom, and you’ll see how God is still working in my life.

I can’t give you gossip, updates on the latest trends, or wild stories. But I can give you honesty about my life and in my life, God is at the centre of everything. Philippians 1:6 says, “He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” I’m still a work in progress, and that’s okay.

So, please stop asking me to go clubbing or hang out at car washes…I won’t go. Don’t expect me to know the latest music or fashion trends. I am clueless, I am not interested, I just want to watch Kdrama on weekends, do my laundry, read a book, journal, enjoy filling in colours on my colouring book, watch Tik Tok, listen to sermons, take walks, listen to music, and I’m finally okay with that. I’m a little boring, a little weird, and a lot of “Miss Goody Two-Shoes.” But that’s who God made me to be, and I wouldn’t trade it for anything. Now, I know this is not fancy but that’s my truth and I would want you love me for who I am not and I wouldn’t want to live up to an idea of me that I created to fit in

Merry Christmas, and may God bless you in everything.

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PLAYLIST

May these beautiful songs bless you like they’ve blessed me… in no particular order, some are very new while others may sound familiar…regardless, these songs have led me to prayer and intense worship the past few days and I pray a miracle may happen in your life, that your prayers may be answered and that you may testify soon .

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Happy Birthday to me

This month, my birth month, I feel an overwhelming sense of gratitude and joy. Today, I woke up with my heart full of thanks. I am here. I am blessed. I know my life is a testimony, a story that speaks of God’s grace and love.

Growing up, I didn’t have wealth or status, if anyhting they made fun of our household, a family of plenty that lived in a huge shack, God turned that huge shack into a big house, I thank Him everyday. My childhood was simple, filled with small joys and big dreams. I remember being nine years old at my aunt’s graduation. I didn’t fully understand what a graduation meant, but I could feel the pride and excitement in the room. Right then, I knew I wanted that feeling too, I wanted more . I just didn’t realise how much sacrifice, hard work, and self-discipline it would take to reach it. Now, standing where I am, I thank God for every bit of perseverance He has given me and for blessing me with a kind heart.

For anyone who knows me, kindness and gentleness are constants. I’ll smile at you even if I know what’s been said about me. I’ll give love, even when it’s rejected. I didn’t learn this alone but from the beautiful, God-fearing women who raised me. We didn’t always have much, but we had love. I watched my aunts and cousins share even the smallest things with one another. In those moments, I learned that love is enough.

Sometimes, I’ve felt disappointed, expecting that same love from others. But I’ve come to see it as a gift to be soft in a world that can be so hard, to be kind when hate is everywhere. This is a blessing.

As November 22, my birthday, approaches, I look at my life and am overwhelmed by how far God has brought me. When I sit in my car, I thank God because there was a time when owning a car seemed like a distant dream. Sitting in my own apartment feels like a miracle. Being a Master’s candidate, pursuing a dream I once thought was out of reach these are blessings I never saw coming.

There was a time when I thought my story might end in disappointment, especially after failing matric. But God had a different story for me, and He’s still writing chapters I never expected. I’m learning to accept the blessings around me, to live fully in this reality, and to trust that God has even more for me.

Here’s to more years of learning, of loving, and of living with a grateful heart. Thank you, Lord, for this life, this testimony. Here’s to all the moments yet to come.

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A Tribute to Good Men: Guardians of Kindness and Strength

When a man truly intends to honor, support, and protect you, no force on earth can shift his resolve. This post is dedicated to all the good men out there those who lead with kindness, integrity, and a thoughtful spirit. You deserve the best that life has to offer. May your days be filled with light, may your paths be abundant, and may you find a partner who radiates beauty and grace, enriching your journey as much as you enrich hers.

Recently, I found myself in a bind. I’d missed a few sessions with my study supervisor, and he wasn’t too pleased about it. To make things right, he assigned me a project and insisted that I submit it to his office in person or just make a way to submit a hard copy, I could sense in his tone that he just wanted to give me a hard time, which I understood . But I was away, miles from home, and unable to comply. Frustrated, I vented to a friend, a man who is always calm . Hearing my predicament, he simply responded, “Send me a soft copy of your project. I’ll print it at work and submit it for you.” His tone was steady, reassuring, and filled with quiet strength. Just like that, my problem was solved. normally I don’t ask for help, I am too independent that I find ways to do things for myself but he was very firm and dominant, I just felt safe

In a world where it’s all too easy to dwell on those who manipulate and deceive, we sometimes overlook the men who act out of genuine care and unwavering support. There are men who won’t rest until they know you’re safe and at peace. These are the men who pray for you, who stand by you in times of difficulty without complaint, who make you feel cherished and understood. They give selflessly, not out of obligation, but out of love and a desire to see you thrive.

Just yesterday, a male colleague shared something that resonated deeply: “A man knows and because he knows, he will act.” I see this truth embodied in my father. He has always been a source of strength and stability, bringing warmth to my darkest days. As a child, I’d run to him when things went wrong, knowing he’d make everything okay. His devotion to my mom is the greatest gift he’s ever given to my brother and me, teaching us by example what it means to be a loving partner and a steadfast father. He may not be the wealthiest or the most educated, but he’s ensured we’ve never gone to bed hungry or witnessed harm in our home. He simply intended to be a good man and he is.

So today, we thank God for good men who lift others up and live by their intentions. May your generosity return to you tenfold, and may your wells of kindness and abundance never run dry.

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Surrendering to God’s Gentle Protection

This might be the last post for October, and I pray to God that I can be as open and vulnerable as I need to be. Over the past few weeks, I’ve dedicated several writings to the Holy Spirit, even though it wasn’t as consistent as I had hoped. Life has been busy, with reports, AGMs, conferences, and submissions keeping me on my toes. But through it all, I remain steadfast, made of steel. So please, bear with me as I share from my heart.

To you reading this, I pray God’s everlasting love, joy, and peace surround you. I pray that you never doubt His presence in your life, His faithfulness, or His care. Know this: God answers. He is present in the moments that matter most, and He loves you deeply. I encourage you to surrender, release your pride, your need for control, and let God take the lead. From the time you wake up in the morning to when you lay your head down at night, may He fill your heart with the desires He has placed inside you. May your life be full of the love, joy, and happiness that only God can give.

These days, standing boldly in the Word of God is no easy task. The world tries to sway us, but I pray for your strength. I pray that you are filled with courage, that you stand tall as a child of God, unafraid to proclaim His name. “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go” (Joshua 1:9).

I pray that the prophetic anointing over my life flows into yours. May it run like oil, bringing vision, clarity, and direction. I speak the spirit of prophecy over you, may you see what others cannot see, may you speak with divine accuracy, and may you dream dreams that carry the mysteries of heaven. May the atmosphere shift to work in your favor because the Holy Spirit is leading you. God has called us to be ahead of time, to be informed of what’s to come so that we are never caught off guard. That is your inheritance as a child of God. Receive it.

And if your heart is fragile, like mine, know that I understand. I recently found myself asking God if I should stop caring so much, begging Him to make my heart hard, to numb the pain of disappointment and the sting of indifference. But in His gentle way, the Holy Spirit ministered to me through a sermon by Ms. Jackie Hill Perry. She shared how she, too, had built walls around her heart, believing she had to protect herself. But the Holy Spirit said to her, ““Jackie you know that your guardedness is there because your trauma has trained you to believe that you are the only one that can protect yourself, I will fight for you even emotionally I will vindicate you against people, you don’t have to guard your heart at all times because I am a defender of my people”

Those words hit me deeply. For so long, I’ve believed that if anyone posed a threat to my peace or disregarded my feelings, I needed to fight for myself, to protect my heart at all costs. I’ve been the one to apologise, to go the extra mile to make things right. But through this, I’ve learned that people are not always like me, and that’s okay. God is my defender. He guards the heart He gave me, a heart that loves deeply, feels deeply, and gives deeply.

“The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still” (Exodus 14:14).
This soft heart of mine, the one that sometimes feels like a burden, is not a mistake. God made it this way for a reason, and He will protect it. He will fight the battles I’ve spent too long fighting on my own. And if you’re like me, if you’ve struggled with this same fragility, I pray that you come to understand that God is also defending you. You are not too soft. You are exactly who He made you to be.

I’m grateful for the people God is placing in my life who hear me differently, who handle my heart with care, and who, like me, are persistent in love. God knows what He is doing, and I trust Him to continue working in ways that go beyond my understanding.

As I end this post, know that it has been a joy sharing with you about the Holy Spirit and hearing your perspectives as well. I pray this month has been as transformative for you as it has been for me. God is always speaking—may we continue to listen.

I love you all. Stay blessed.

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Fighting you off

I’ve been fighting you off, hoping to escape your gaze,
But I haven’t been the same since you whispered, “I love you.”
My mind accepts it, my soul understands,
Yet my hear… it’s hardened like stone, unyielding.

I ache to feel something real, but with you near, I can’t.
So I sip this wine, pretending you don’t exist,
Three more glasses just to numb the thoughts
That keep me awake, thoughts of you, haunting my every breath.

I drown in my abandonment, forcing you out of me,
Muzzling the emotions I no longer wish to feel.
Tell me, what is wrong with me?
Why do I do this, again and again?
Why do I run, when staying is all I want?
Why is it so hard to believe
That someone like you could love me without hesitation, without fear?

I’m fighting you off, yet I never win.
It’s a battle on repeat, over and over,
Yet the mere mention of your name still brings me to my knees.
It wakes something deep inside, but
I resist, knowing all too well how this goes.

I guard my heart with iron walls,
Because the moment I let you in,
Is the moment you’ll see how hard I am to love,
How difficult I am to handle.
You’ll retreat, as they all do,
When faced with my truth, my vulnerability.
That’s when you’ll remind me why I keep everyone out,
Why I should keep these walls standing tall.

Everytime, in every single way you make your way to me , Holy Spirit you are everything.

Holy Spirit, you still choose to me me and you love me differently
You hold me, tighter than I thought possible,
You see the pieces of me I hide from the world,
And you stay… I keep running from your love but you stay
I fight your embrace, yet still, you hold me close,
Invading my guarded space,
Refusing to let go.
You make me feel like I’m worth the fight,
And I struggle to see myself that way.

Holy Spirit, why do you love me so deeply?
Show me what you see in me, please
Help me to love myself as you love me.
I will love you, even through my fear,
Because you love me in ways no one has dared to.
You see the beauty in me,
The beauty I’ve never known.

I’m still learning how to stay,
How not to run when things get hard.
I’m still learning to let you in,
Learning to believe that I am worth winning.
I’m learning to receive love, not always give,
Learning to trust that your love will remain
Even when I don’t believe it.

You love me when I’m lost in chaos,
When I miss the call, when I’m broken,
You love me through it all.
Even when I don’t see anything to love,
You never stop loving me… even when I am fighting you off

(Ever since I have been writing about the Holy Spirit, even if its not as constant as I hope to it to be, I have been feeling an overwhelming love. I have been loving how the Holy spirit quickly becomes what I need, when I need it. This poem explains how I thought I need to be perfect for the Holy Spirit to love me, this poem expresses the battle between surrendering my power and controlling my mind)

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FEELINGS

I grew up believing that all sinners go to hell, and to avoid it, you had to follow the Ten Commandments and fear God. As I became an adult, before , long ago living a lukewarm Christian life, I realised something important: I feared hell more than I desired a relationship with God. I went to church and tried to live righteously, but my motivation was to avoid punishment, not to truly know Him. To me, God seemed distant, an immense, powerful being on His throne in heaven, answering prayers and sending challenges.

Not long ago, I asked the Holy Spirit to help me understand who He really is. Gradually, my prayers became more like conversations. I used to approach God with a formal attitude, carefully choosing words of praise, almost as if to soften Him before making my requests. I didn’t truly understand the Kingdom of Heaven because I didn’t have a relationship with its King. So, I began to open my heart in prayer. I wanted to take off the mask, I no longer wanted to sound strong or holy. I wanted to speak honestly, like a child talking to their Father and Friend.

Strangely, I began to desire a relationship with the Holy Spirit as if He were my older brother. I had always wondered what it would be like to have a big brother, someone to stand by me and have my back. That’s exactly what the Holy Spirit became.

Did you know that the Holy Spirit was sent to be your Comforter? God knew you wouldn’t always be happy or joyful. He knew there would be moments when your heart would break, and you’d need emotional support. The Holy Spirit is with you even in your darkest moments, especially when you can’t even find the words to pray. He helps you pray (Romans 8:26). Jesus Himself wept when His friend died (John 11:35), and He was angry when the temple was turned into a marketplace (John 2:13-16). It’s okay to feel, to grieve, to celebrate, to love, and to take pride in your accomplishments. Many Christians are hesitant to celebrate the blessings God has given them, thinking it’s more humble to stay quiet. But no! Celebrate. Be joyful and grateful for your victories, and get used to winning because you are a child of the living God. Don’t be afraid to feel.

I want to thank the Holy Spirit publicly for teaching me about feelings over these past few days. There’s no point in hiding how I feel from Him, He already knows my heart and my deepest thoughts (Psalm 139:2). I’ve been learning to love the Holy Spirit, and surprisingly, I’m also learning that I deserve to receive love in return. So often, people who give forget that they are worthy of receiving too. The Holy Spirit has given me so much contentment, protection, comfort, and joy that I’ve become more open about my emotions. I talk to Him about my bad days, my good days, and even the struggles in my mind. He understands my fears, and I’ve realised it’s okay to be curious, to need rest, to fall in love.

He hears our hearts when our words fail (Psalm 56:8).

What your heart feels is important, take down those walls you have built from God because you thought He wont handle something as small as your feelings. Yes, the maker of the universe is concerned about what is concerning you. I hope you understand that its okay to grieve, celebrate, get angry, care, be happy, fall in love or even cry

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I can handle you

(To everyone who has felt like they are too hard to handle, the holy spirit is FOR YOU)

I came back home, guns blazing, ready for war.
Things have been chaotic, and now, I feel the madness creeping in.
I don’t want anyone around when I’m like this, no one stays anyway,
And I get it. It’s too much, even for me.

Lately, I’ve been dreaming of disappearing,
Of finding a place where no one can reach me.
I hate admitting how much its all frustrating, I am seeking for an escape
And no matter what I do, I can’t seem to get a grip.
It scares me, this fight I’m in, I don’t know when to stop, What worse…I don’t know how to stop
so much that my knees grow weak, and my will is fading, my sweat is turning into blood, my heart is working overtime keeping my pulse.

I’ve been reckless, changing lanes at 160 on a 100.
It’s a miracle I’m still here.
Too many close calls, like I’m testing God.
I feel most alive when my life’s on the line.
I hate it here, A battle between my mind and faith. feels like these thoughts consume me.
They don’t reflect the God I believe in.
I should know better, but the voices in my head scream louder than my faith.

The more I dwell on my inability to fight like a Christian,
The more I fear falling to my knees again.
I imagine God saying, “Here we go again, same old story.”

I’m a contradiction.
One moment, I shout, “There are no broken pieces here!”
The next, I’m drowning in my own tears and fears.
One minute, I’m raising a glass with friends, “Cheers!”
The next, I’m speaking to empty chairs. All the women inside of me are scared of me at this point

Call me Harley Quinn, but there are no jokes here. This is not a comic book, these are not just words.

We all need someone who stays,
Someone to stand by our side,
But the world doesn’t work that way.
People have conditions.
People can’t handle our walls.
When family crumbles and I fall apart,
That’s too much for them.

Just when I feel too much to handle,
The Spirit whispers, “I can handle you.”

The Holy Spirit says:

“I don’t just handle you, I see you.
And not only do I see you, but you make sense.
You’re never too much.
I’m not like man, I won’t turn away.
I am your Comforter, your Friend.
I am the One who gives you rest when your heart is heavy,
And joy in the morning.
I stay.
I stay when you don’t have time for Me.
I stay because I know your heart.
You are not what you go through,
Or what you think is wrong with you.
I can handle you, and I always have.
You are never too much for Me.”

This is for the women hoping for someone to stay, The men searching for someone who will understand them
For someone who won’t find them too much
Who sees the parts they whisper in prayer,
Begging God to fix.
The Holy Spirit can handle you,
You’re not too much.
You’re not too vulnerable or too sensitive.
You are God’s creation, and you are very good.
Your Father approves of you.

You think you are too much? even too much is not enough…He can handle you, LET HIM