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This Time.

I have been thinking about moments lately, days, seconds and months, how being at the right place at the right time can change your whole life, how being stuck in the past can ruin the present, how decisions we make in the present determine the future and how wasting a person’s time feels like a sin, no one takes time lightly. Time influences decisions while some decisions make time stand still, that’s how memories are birthed, why we celebrate anniversaries and birthdays and why we try to stay healthy and exercise…to buy time.

Some people have run out of time, not even the alarm can wake them up and that is where we are all headed, no amount of money, influence and power can stop your time.  Someday there will be silence and darkness and time will be pointless so while you have time, live. Do not live the life people hoped for you, do not live a double life, you do not have time for that. Don’t try and impress people with your time, follow your heart when it comes to your time, do not rush time and do not take too much time. Know when to mourn and health and know when to stop mourning and healing. Know when you are ready and cease the opportunity and know when to step back, prepare so you may be ready for the opportunity.

Let time refine you, allow the process to reshape you, the changes you need in your life will take time, “It is the time you have wasted for your rose that makes your rose so important- Antoine de Saint-Exupery”  allow your garden to bloom without looking over your friends garden because their grass is more greener, stop measuring your time against anyone else who hasn’t lived your life, respect the time it took you to be who you are.

Dr. Martin Luther King once said, “The time is always right to do what is right” stand up for your truth. People have different views on what will work for you, your heart, your career if you give them enough permission, they will force you to make decisions but they will never carry the side effects or aftermath of these decisions with you, no one has time for that, live.

Look around you right now, everything you see might be gone in a split second, I hope one day you will not have to say “I wish I had more time”

(Dedicated to all the friends I lost, I wish we had more time)

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Pouring into me

I pray that I become wiser, softer and peaceful, I pray that I become gentle towards myself, that I give myself a break, some credit and a lot of love.

I pray that I let go, especially of the things I can not control, and enjoy the moments I prayed for, I don’t want to keep thinking of where I could have been but I want to be thankful of where I am because it took so much out of me to here.

I pray that one day I will be fully okay with myself, that I would be okay with the things I have done when I didn’t know better, the bad choices I made, the way I behaved, I hope I forgive myself everyday and acknowledge that I am growing into myself and this is my first life, I am doing the best I can.

I pray that I just love my life, even when some events don’t make sense, even if I feel overwhelmed, even if I have so much to work on, may I be deeply in love with my scars, my mind, the things I know and the way I am, May I know that I am good enough and I am everything a woman should be to deserve kindness, respect and opportunities.

I pray I may be a good friend, sister and daughter, I want to bring light to the people attached to me, I want to be their peace of mind, I want them to feel safe around me. I want to understand my people, I don’t want them to feel judge, so may God grant me the gift of patience and love, I don’t want to make my family or friends feel half-loved by me, I want to fully represent my name.

I pray that I become the best in what I do, that my work may never require corrections, that I may not be lazy or scared, but always give my best. I pray that I perform in excellence, I may be exceptional and professional. I pray I reach every target, every goal, every milestone, every time, and that I may be recognised for my good work and passion, I really pray that this year, everything I touch turns into gold, I pray that I may walk in rooms I only thought of, I pray my name gets mentioned for good by people I don’t even know, that I may be well represented.

I pray that I may be a good partner to the person God finds fit for me, I pray that I may treat him like a king, make him feel like a king, I pray I may know how to handle him in his best and in his worst and never cease to see beneath his courage. May I be a woman he trusts enough to confide in, to share secrets with, to be vulnerable with, may I be a woman he finds a home in. I pray I become gentle and kind towards him, I pray that there will never be a day where I make him question his worth as a man. May I be the kind of woman he has been praying for.

I pray for the children I don’t have yet, my brilliant, respectful and God fearing champs, may my kids never fall into the trap of the devil, may they serve God, I stand against the spirit of confusion, my babies will not confuse their gender and identify as anything they are not. They will be healthy, beautiful and brave. I am going to give birth to the whole move of Christ at the right time, Me and their father (my husband) are going to give them a wholesome family, create an atmosphere of love and trust in our household. May God give me the strength to give them the best education and a great life. May my mini me’s be of one man, this I plead…that they may be fathered by one man, my husband.

May it be so and not otherwise, Amen

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A prayer to a man

Prayer to a man

I pray that you see the goodness of God over your life, I pray that if you ever questioned if God exists, that everyday of your life may be an answer to that question, THAT GOD IS INDEED ALIVE. That you may start seeing the manifestation of God in your life.

In your finances,, that GOD may lift your up, out of every debt, out of every trap and out of every misery. May you never lack financially, may you have more than enough to provide for the ones you love and live a life you desire. May streams of wealth flow out of your belly, yes! I pray prosperity be your portion to spoil your mother, your family, your wife and your kids. May you never have to look at the price before you purchase, may you never have to budget, may you enjoy a lot of money in every currency, in the name of Jesus.

May you meet the woman God has prepared for you, the love of your life, the mother of your children and the wiselady to your surname. May you start seeing signs of the woman your rib belongs to in Jesus name, the one who carries your vision, the one who submits to you, your helper. May God make it clear as day to you that you may choose the right one, and may she be your very mind, your comfort, the woman to carry your heir and build your dynasty. May she never be the reason the enemy gets to you, may she never disrespect you or doubt you. May real genuine love be your portion from her, may you be assured and affirmed that her love for you is not based on  money or success but your existence.

May you be surrounded by peace, peace of mind and peace from your past. What you went through to be accepted and appreciated doesn’t exist anymore, you are loved without proving a point, you are loved simply because you were born, you are loved because you are you. May you stop believing that you have to be someone else before you could be appreciated, you, on your own are enough. You are enough even in your faults to be appreciated and love.

May a man express His feelings this year, even the ones they find stupid or sentimental, every thought you have had a man that you felt was stupid or unworthy, share it! Pursue it, believe in it because you will live it. Everything about you is magic, everything about you as a man is amazing. Your mind, your power, your grace, even the things you never share, the fears you judge as being stupid, those too are amazing, may you accept yourself.

This is from Lerato Nondeyi without fear that I think as a man you deserve the best and I pray “the best” finds you.

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Deadly Liaisons: The importance of allowing God to build

There was a time where a human being had access to the deepest horrors of my mind, this person could poke the killer out of me, the evil that lurked within, I changed and not for the better. They had the power to break my mind and build it with only one word from their mouth, even though my soul knew very well that this person is the death of me, my heart refused to believe it and in my quest to warm the cold rooms of his heart, the house I built came crashing down.

It is good that we go through some things, I didn’t understand the saying “Its all for His glory” how can it be for His glory when it almost destroyed me? but now I know the reason behind that season, it is so that I may come here and help a woman, help a man who might be going through the same thing, with the wisdom I gathered while in that season, for Gods glory.

And this is to my sisters.

I know the feeling, the butterflies in your stomach, the long calls, the way your heart beats when you hear his name but there is only one problem, He doesn’t really have a relationship with God but its okay, your love is so deep, you can fix him. Some of the principles and standards you have laid to the ground are not really respected but anyway, you have never met a love like this. It feels right and the God you serve knows His heart, right? Now you are praying for him hoping one day He goes to church and stays devoted to Christ, even though its not a deal breaker but you would love it if you were able to go together at church but until then you will continue doing what He loves because it also makes you feel happy, it takes your mind away from the stress and pain of this world, for the first time, you don’t have to be perfect, this person doesn’t give you the pressure to act holy.

It feels good doesn’t it?  Nothing could go wrong, right?

Sis, everything is wrong about placing your heart in the hands of a man who doesn’t fear God, who doesn’t love God, who doesn’t have a relationship with God and you do, no matter how good he seems to be, no matter how great he is with your child, if there is no God inside of Him that man is not only empty but he has no direction. He might be a good person but when in confusion, who does he seek his answers from? A man who has a relationship with God is governed by love, patience and kindness, because God is the source of his knowledge he knows how to talk to you right, because a faithful God dwells inside of Him you will not have to worry about other women, because God the healer is inside of this man he will make you better and submitting to him will not be a problem. A man who hears from God can recognise a blessing and he treats it with respect because He understands that only God gives such beautiful gifts. The world has made toxicity look acceptable that even the children of God find nothing wrong in unequally yoked relationships because no one wants to be alone and a relationship that has God at the center is boring because everyone just wants to have sex and the children of God are afraid to speak the truth because they are “playing God” and so the fear becomes even greater when we talk about love because the church is experiencing more divorce that the people in the world.

That man you have made your pillar is really your killer if he doesn’t have God in Him and my darling he is also corrupting you. You have manipulative thoughts, now you think things and make plans to keep him at any costs (What is maintained with human efforts never lasts) your anger is uncontrollable, you throw things against the wall and say things you never thought you would say, you search his phone, you watch him as you pass by a group of girls to see if he looks and God forbid that he looks because that too sends you into a frenzy and now you change the way you look because you need to keep him, my darling this is not how God intended a woman to feel, God wants men to love their women like Christ loves the church and Christ never made the church feel like it needs to sacrifice itself for his affection. You might say “But the bible says Husbands should love their wives as Christ loves the church, nowhere does it mention a boyfriend” and that is correct, you don’t become a wife to him when he marries you but you become a wife when he meets you, A MAN KNOWS, HE KNOWS FROM THE FIRST TIME HE MEETS YOU JUST WHO YOU ARE IN HIS LIFE AND HE WILL TREAT YOU EXACTLY HOW HE FEELS, if he feels like the search is over he will act like a man who just met his wife, but this man you sacrifice your life for doesn’t even know God, that means he has no knowledge of himself do you think he will know his wife when he meets her? My darling he is still infatuated by the perfect woman he has created in his mind, this woman he has built up is influenced by society and that’s why he is going to date 8 women trying to make this one perfect woman who doesn’t exist. You can be a walking miracle, kind, beautiful and caring and he will still cheat if God is not inside of him.

“If Jay Z can cheat on Beyonce then who are you?” these are the kind of words that have made women stay because they feel like if Beyonce can be cheated on and they don’t even have an hour glass body or even millions then it makes it okay, my darling you need to ask God to help you see yourself from His Point of view, you are a big deal and that’s why Jesus thought you were to die for, you are allowing words that come from people who use money and power to determine the amount of respect they give to manipulate you into accepting what God doesn’t want for you because who are you to deserve that kind of respect? That unequally yoked relationship will have you looking at yourself differently because all it does is reveal things about you that Christ has forgiven, it is sending you back to a pit you were saved from because this person uses your flaws to make you understand why they can’t fully love you.

God is love, how do you expect to experience love without God? You don’t pray together, you don’t worship together, you don’t do bible studies because its boring, this relationship doesn’t drive you to God, its not making you better then what is the purpose? Its been 4 years and He is still waiting for confirmation if you are the one, confirmation from who because He doesn’t even pray. He is waiting on His friends to approve you, wake up!

Stop trying to save Him, you are not God. Stop trying to heal Him, you are not a hospital, if its healing from trauma that He wants, if he is a great guy but he can’t handle his anger, Sis you cant heal him let me remind you that patients are discharged from the hospital when they feel better, they walk away once they stop limping and my darling, that patient you are nursing only needed hospitality and now after 6 years you have healed him back to life and now he is about to marry a woman He met a month ago why? Lets say it together….A MAN ALWAYS KNOWS.

During a conflict with my then boyfriend, I decided to look cute and take picture, I received a comment  that said “Wife material” and I replied with a heart emoji, my then boyfriend called me just to let me know that I am not wife material because I am always fighting “wife materials” are peaceful. A conversation we had about my feeling resulted into an argument and from that argument (Which I was expressing my hurt) he concluded that I am not a woman you can marry and He was right then, at that moment he was right because he took away every quality I had inside of me to be a good women, I was manipulative, I was angry, I was disrespectful, I was not gentle, I backslid from church, I was not a good woman because I was matching him, I was becoming him, doing the same things he did, so he was right, I was not the woman to marry then because immediately when I decided to be with him, I fell from grace and my job as a woman is to be a helper, I was so down low from grace, the bar was on the floor. Only when I left him I became a woman a man can marry. It was until divine separation happened that I became valuable, ladies, love a man who loves God because everything is valuable in his hands, what you will become is a reflection of him, God intended him to be your leader so you mimic his leadership hence in the hands of a king a woman becomes a Queen, I was not seen for who I really am, because of the hands that held me, how could I have accepted to be better?

You become the man you choose and that is why I never got hurt when he said I am not wife material, It was like he is telling me who he can never be to me and it was time to hear the message loud and clear, I thank God for breaking that connection. The aftermath is excruciating but necessary as restoration is taking place and now you are finally awake, you start reminiscing on the things you did and said and the memories are embarrassing, now you have to forgive yourself for acting the fool, you don’t have to go through this, rather wait for a man God has in store for you, stay in prayer, ask God to work in you, to work on the reason why you accepted that toxicity, allow God to fix you, allow God to correct you, allow God to make you a Proverbs 31 woman and then let Him place you in the hands of a man who will love you like how God intends a man to love his woman, like Christ loves the church, yes, that love exist.

You cant pray for a good man and still believe they don’t exist.

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Parts that you are ashamed of

I don’t know what God is doing but I am not very fond of His method in this regard. This year I fought so many men, and I not referring to cute little fights where a man takes a joke too far, No…I am talking an exchange of words, at one point a white man threatened to use a knife on my wheels because I took his parking space at the mall, he claimed he saw it first but I happened to be faster, I was calm about the situation until he threatened me, boy did I give him a show, I am particularly proud of my performance on this one but I wish it never had to go that far.

When I moved to this city, I was young, alone and mostly… I was scared. The fear created an army within me, all the women inside me were alert, they trusted no one, they were on survival mode and that built up and grew through the years so much that I became a very protective adult, no one was allowed in my space and I loved it that way, it was less stressful yet very toxic but I was okay with it, I never wanted to need someone, I never wanted to lean on someone.

This year I wanted to change that, I wanted to be softer, I wanted to feel feelings I have always ran away from, be feminine for a change and I had a strategy, a very simple strategy and that was “Stop fighting, stop fighting feelings, stop fighting change, stop fighting” oooh but God had his own strategy. Just when I chose peace, just when I was ready to be a calm woman then some guy would just pop up from no where and become disrespectful and now I have to fight, at first it didn’t bother me but now it does and I hope I wont have to be in a position of fighting anymore.

At one point I was mad at God, for a whole week I was throwing temper tantrums because I just didnt understand, am I being disrespected because I am mostly alone? and if that’s so then how do I change it this situation?

And this is how I tried to play God and change my situation, the plan is to have someone around who will make me feel safe, since now all of a sudden I was going head to toe with guys, all of a sudden my independence is taken for weakness.. I needed to solve this problem, and solve it quick.

Plan A: Was to make friends, male friends to be more specific and that was very easy, I learned that the male species loves it when a woman is stranded, you need to make him feel like you need him and there I was acting like a damsel in distress, an act I couldn’t maintain for long simply because these male friends were becoming entitled and in a bad way, suddenly I am right in the middle of a battlefield, everyone of my male friends feels that the other is an intruder, this was not working.

Plan B: Go on dates, attend events, go out on solo dates more, take a walk and join the youth at church. as an introvert this was a huge challenge, just walking into a new place sent my anxiety to a frenzy, the discomfort at the beginning was enough to accept failure but I carried on and made friends, both Female and Male friends and I shouldn’t have. There is just something about people that makes you understand why God sent the flood and only saved one family, there is just something about people that makes you understand why God made a promise to set them on fire this time around. I figured out that I am better off not being lied to and manipulated, it made me wonder how some of these people were raised, where they born evil or they learned how to be evil until they mastered it and it became their identity?

I am not street smart, honestly I am a baby, I am not very experienced with the brutal “survival of the fittest”. I am a late bloomer who was raised at church, I was never in trouble all thanks to the fear of the unknown that my parents successfully installed in my brain so all of this betrayal was foreign to me, I decided to cut people off… Plan B failed.

Plan C: (I am still trying to play God, remember I am mad at Him for isolating me from people and then allowing me to fight all these other people by my own, making me a one woman army) This plan was great, I am tired of fighting and I tired of people taking advantage because I am mostly alone so I will be mean, yes, I will be very unapproachable. I already have the RBF and its working wonders for me, I just had to enhance it, make it more severe, just a few changes to my face and I will have no one messing me on these streets. this plan seemed to work, only… I am not mean, I am also not angry, yes I have issues but I as bubbly as a bottle of champagne and I cant change, I tried.

Plan D: Was to go back to God and make amends, I was tired of fighting and tired of finding ways not to fight. I went back to God and guess what! He took me back and added a few more encounters(because God has humor) there I was again, back at it and this time I am also fighting principalities until one day, I asked God…”What do you want from me? why so much hostility when all I wanted for 2023 was to be a soft girl?’ yep, that was me stating my case. I wanted to be soft, be a lover and not a fighter, lol the first time I actually wanted to be a lover, the first time I wanted to be vulnerable and more peaceful, the first time I wanted to allow sentimental feelings to take over was the first time God did to me what He did to Job, Yes, He let the devil maneuver with my mind and the devil didn’t hold back, he sent one Judas after the other and honey, at this point I am ready to throw hands.

When in trouble, seek God, when in anxiety seek God and when you have questions, ask God.

He answered me.

“on the 1st of January, 2023 you asked me to heal you, see I dont heal just parts of you, I heal you from the inside out and I give you the opportunity to see how deep the wounds are so you may understand that this is a job only I can do as your God, no drugs, no alcohol, no male friends can fix this but me. in every altercation, every public display of your smart mouth, every time you went head on with any one by yourself, it was an opportunity for you to see how much you are willing to walk through fire to save your life and it was a chance for me to show you that you don’t have to, you are so brave, you can stand there without fear and fight a man who probably has a gun and you dont care, I am not only healing you but I am also showing you parts of yourself that forces you to respond when you can walk away, who made you this way? I am showing you that you respond quick to threats and disrespect but you run away from vulnerability, communication and kindness? I am trying to fix what you think you deserve, you react more to war than peace. You will not fight to be understood, you will not fight for love, you will not even fight for food if you were hungry because you hate asking for help but you will fight a whole army if it came to your door, do you see the pattern? You are my love, you are mine and when you ask me to heal you, I show you what needs to be healed, I dig deep into your fears and I hate fear, fear doesnt come form me. I dig into your insecurities so you my understand you dont have to hide anything from me, I know your flaws and I love you the same, I love you, there is nothing you can do about it, I loved you before you were born, so you cant win over my love, you already have it without asking for it now start acting like my daughter, start acting like you understand who fights your battles, lean on me”

and once again, God had me in tears because beneath this strong woman I have become, who will fight for herself… there is a scared little girl who hopes that one day I wont get too far and get us both killed.

There is a reason you act the way you do, could be something you don’t want to talk about or something you don’t even know. Some experiences caused a damage within us and we are not aware because we had to be strong and we thought what we are going through was normal, it wasn’t. Find out why are you so angry, find out why you fear commitment, find out why you allow certain mistreat, find out why you love pleasing people , take accountability and allow God to fix you.

I am making progress, I am trying 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣honestly, its funny because never in my life did I think I would need to be in Gods ICU and I have been in here for a while. God dedicated 2023 to my scars, my bruised heart, the pain I dont share with my readers, the truth I am scared to face, the secret battles I fight, my insecurities and He is making me realise that I am so deserving even in my chaos, it feels to know that I dont need to be perfect to be loved by Him, I dont need to be the toughest soldier for Him to favor me and I feels so sad at times that I am only grasping this now after years of being tough.

Let God touch parts of you that you are ashamed of…He loves handling you, like clays in the potters hands, let God put you back together again.

I am crying again because I have finally let go of control and everything is still under control.

I have changed

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Jesus this, Jesus that

*Unedited

While typing this, and I am crying, I dont know what has become of me, I just keep crying these day and these are tears of joy. I used to hear people talk of ‘tears of joy” and I didn’t understand how one can get to a place where they cry because they are happy? But here I am, struggling to type and its not because of worldly things, its simply because this year I got into a relationship with God that set me free and I so grateful that when I think about just how much I wanted to belong, how I wanted to be understood, how I wanted people to be patient on me and I would break myself trying to teach them how to be calm for me, God is doing it so simply, I didn’t teach Him, I didn’t force Him, He just loved me freely, in every shape and form He loved me so much He searched for me, waited on me and kept pursuing me…only because He loves me.

I was tried, tested, stretched this year, I barely remember most of the days this year (I made a video about that) I just know that I am here today but all these drew me closure to Him and I am so love. I asked God one time “What are you still doing with me? I fail you, I am so stubborn, I am not accessible, what are you still here? With all that I am, I am sure I just stress you out, why am I still alive? “ and I could just feel His holy spirit saying “There is never a place you will be and I wont love you enough, There is never a place you will be where I wouldn’t search for you and I will always have my hand out stretched to you and I hope that you will reach to me, but my hand is always stretched to you, waiting for when you are ready so you may hold on to me and let me hold you” I cried like a baby, A whole creator of the universe is stretching His hand to me, it stays stretched out to save me, it doesn’t get tired, it waits for when I am ready to believe that I deserve saving and it pulls me out.

I cried because, How many people have walked out? All you needed was patience, All you needed was help, all you needed was a hug and it was too much to ask for so they walked out. You were too hard to love so they walked out, you required a lot of patience and they couldn’t wait for you to become, but Here is a God who has a million of children He loves and His arm is patiently stretched out to you waiting on the day you realis that you are love even in your mistakes, your sin, you are loved.

I honestly don’t have anything else to give you besides the Jesus I have met, I have nothing to give my readers but the Christ I have received, I entertain you with the last gossip, I am a mathematician or a politician I can give you the latest update on everything. I am a warm body so I cant tell you about the latest piano songs, I don’t know the latest dance moves so I wont function at a cluvb, so I cant give you that kind of fun, I can’t flirt to save my life, I hate the latest fashion so I cant even give you style, I cant have small talks about nothing, all I can give is the Christ in me and the wisdom He brings to me, and the testimony I hold of Him being good in all circumstances and if its boring then too bad, because this is the best I can do.

I wanted you to know that it wont stop

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“And if your love was all I had in this life, that would be enough until the end of time.”

Has anybody notice lately how thick I got?🤣🤣🤣 my proportions are sitting in the right paces therefore creating balance🤣🤣🤣, I so glad. Now that my hairline has returned, my skin is glowing and I have dimples on my face people start asking “Who’s the lucky guy?” excuse me! I am very much single, I just happen to be a kept woman.

I am sorry to break the illusion that the only time a woman could look good is if she is in love with a man, I hate that a woman’s glow is attached to 2 reasons, the first being pregnancy and the second being a man, you do know that we are able to build a world of peace and happiness on our own and actually look good for ourselves? We can show up, dress up and glow up without any Adam, because we carry lives within ourselves and we can use it not only to bear your children but to give birth to ourselves too, you did know that right?

I am glad I am here, it took a lot of violence but I am glad I am whole and no one else but God deserves the credit for the making of me, I think that’s why He isolated me from the rest this year, for His glory.

I am overwhelmed with gratitude, it feels good to say “I am happy and one is behind this happiness but God” its not the kind of happiness that is depended on anyone, its everlasting like the source which it comes from. So next time you see me and you want to give credit, send it to the Father because He worked tirelessly on me, there is no man but I am glad that when He (my source of happiness) sends a man then that man will not have to break his neck to make me happy, I would already be filled with happiness, wisdom and strength.

I promised God to give Him the credit all the time, when the praises He deserves comes my way, I promised I will give them to Him.

Happy December

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get your eyes off of me

I have been thinking of ways to express this, ways that will not make me sound too high standard, ways that will make me sound humble as I explain something that I don’t like which most women love. The fact that as a woman, I don’t like this makes me feel like maybe there is something wrong with me, because most women do, they enjoy it, it empowers them, it approves them, it makes them feel sexier but as for me, I feel a bit violated…not a bit, a feel all sorts of violation and harassment.

It okay to compliment a woman, I love a good compliment but don’t sexualize me, don’t  look at me in lust, you make me feel uncomfortable, don’t undress me because I can tell from way you stare that this is not admiration, this is lust.

This past week I have been sexualized so much and I don’t know what to feel anymore despite disgust towards the new age men, whats worse, on Saturday I was wearing a long gown, it just hugged my body and the stares from some men made me feel like a walking sexual desire. I am a lady, I am a grown woman, I have held up my side of respect, I earn it but because of women who don’t respect themselves enough I now have to accept disrespect, I have to allow a man to ask me if he could grab my bum, I have to allow a man to look at me and tell me that he thinks about me in a certain way, and these are men I don’t even know, a guy from the complex where I stay, a guy who works at the garage where I take my car, the security man, what happened to beautiful compliments such as

You look so pretty today

You look beautiful

Green looks good on you

Instead in these last 2 weeks I have heard words like …

Send me your location, I will bring wine

Lets Netflix and chill, wear something that shows that beautiful skin

And way more worse that really set me off, why? Does it even matter if you respect yourself as a woman anymore? Does it even count because regardless a man will just undress you and make you know that, they are not ashamed to let you now that.

I wore this dress on Saturday

and I wore this jean and blazer on Friday

And I wore the mommy jeans with the pink shirt on Thursday, and mommy jeans are known to be very loose but a certain gentleman on my way out of the event still made an offer that I should spend the night with him, I dont know him, we were all guests and we made small talk as we are networking which is business related and he still found a way to make me feel like a piece of meat, while I wore this…

I have had issues with my body, my dark birthmarks, my short heigh, my dark skin when I was a teenager but I have worked on myself, went to the gym, gained weight to tone up, I love my body and now I have people who make me want to hate it. When I start building a wall, when I start being rude I will be known as a bitter black women, naive, black men will tell me that I hate them

I took a walk looking like this

And guess what, a man stopped me, asked me for directions and asked me to get in the car with him to take him there and when I refused he said there is nothing special about me, he can get anyone to take him there. He said

“You women always ask for a man with a car and now here I am and you’re playing hard to get”

I am sorry but women like me, in whatever shape or form we are in, hate to be undressed, I dont find it sexy, I dont like it, so take your eyes off of me.

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I identify as…His

I am His.

I have heard people identifying as this or that, some get offended if you don’t get their pronoun right, if you see a man now you need to know if they really do identify as a man or risk offending them.

I would like to publicly announce that I identify as a child of God, yes, you might catch me slipping into sin, yes you  might hear me say a few words they censor on TV, yes I might show off my waist and maybe wear a dress too short for your liking but I AM A CHILD OF GOD, and I will always be.

I might lose my  mind here and there, cause a scene, throw hands and be a mess, I am Gods mess and He loves me, I refuse to believe that my Fathers love to me is conditional, I refuse to believe  that sin has a weight that  can never be broken when I know that His glory is enough to renew me.

I am a child of God, even If I am not a Prophet or Pastor, I will speak of God in these platforms, I will make videos even if it makes one uncomfortable, I will speak of a God that heals and a God of a million chances as much as I can because I have found Him to be worthy of my praise, that’s the little I can do for the great is has done and still to do.

Yes, I might not be the idea of a perfect Christian to someone, I might need some polishing to be more beautiful but God is working on it,  don’t worry about that part of me, I might be unhinged and a bit crazy but God is working on it.

I identify as clay in the potters hands, He keeps putting me back together every time so there is nothing broken here, I apologise that I refuse to align with your views on how the world is falling apart, not when I know the creator, I apologise for my inability to submit to worldly standards not when Jesus thought I was to die for, I will not submit to what you think of me, the version of me you met is no longer valid because while you were asleep I was in the Holy Spirit ICU, I was in the Holy Spirit theater, my heart open, call it a heart transplant.

I identify as a daughter of a King, to get to me you will have to go through Him first and that’s why I am not moved by threats, My father is a King and in our Kingdom there is protection. I am not scared of missing out on anything, I am not scared of rebuilding again for I know the foundation in which I build on, the rock of ages. I am not worried about secret meeting, plots against me or any child of God because we win in Jesus.

I identify as the church, I ought to be loved like Christ loves the church. no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, so I don’t cheat, I am a safe place like the church, I don’t represent love in a toxic manner, I am exactly what God intends a woman to be and the parts that need fixing, I gave total surrender to God…He is working on me and  He works through  me, so I am not afraid of perfection or my flaws, like Christ is committed to the church, He is committed to make me like Him. I am His

When you talk about me, when you  mention my name and everything else you know about me, to forget to get my pronouns right, I am a daughter of a King, I am blessed to be a blessing, I have wisdom, I have strength, I laugh without fear, I walk on snakes and lions and even though I might eat something poisonous, it will never kill me for I have made the Lord my refuge and strength, Listen, a thousand may fall around me and I will only witness it with  my eyes, for He will not allow the sun to burn me by day nor the moon by night. I don’t promote worldly things to gain attention, I dot involve myself in content that belittles my King, call me by His name, its okay.

My whole life didn’t make sense until I understood that when I have God I have everything and it took me a while to get here, so….

I believe in signs, wonders and miracles

I believe in marriages and submission

I believe in serving, I believe in  fasting and prayer

I believe in the anointing, the word, I believe in the move of God

I believe in angels, I believe in the forgiveness of sin

I believe in a God who raises the dead, and makes a way where there seems to be no way

I believe in power, that in the name of Jesus every knee shall bow and tongue confess that He is God.

This is my identity, I identify as a believe of Christ

I don’t believe in the universe, I don’t manifest

I don’t believe in stars signs

I don’t believe in spells

These offend me, please get my pronouns right