Tag: faith

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A BEAUTIFUL FATHER

My day is officially off the rails. I have two massive bottles of water sitting in front of me like security guards, and I ate breakfast at dawn because I knew if I didn’t, today’s workload would force me into an accidental intermittent fasting routine.

When on earth did I become this much of an adult? I swear just a few months ago I was ironing an outfit for a job interview. Fast forward to right now, and I’m driving across the country, leading new projects, running as the head writer and editor of a new newsletter, and having people pull up to my desk asking for advice on their own publications. I am preparing to present in front of the executives, and I am personally responsible for bringing 3rd stream money into this organization. Please take this as a live update!

On top of all that, I am signing for TEMU packages every two days because I bought new things for a property I own. Yes, your girl is officially a homeowner! I am helping my little brother get through university, all while actively going to therapy because let’s be honest, slipping into madness is entirely too easy these days. I am currently the proud mother of two beautiful plants, with a colleague set to hand over eight more. I am absurdly excited about this plant takeover. Oh, and I’m out here fighting off men like they are a plague. Who called you all? Who said I was easy? Who told you I wouldn’t hold you accountable to every word you spit while running game on me? You clearly haven’t heard about me yet!

All of these things are happening to me at once. They affect how I feel, how I interact with people, how I manage stress, and how I wake up every single morning to tackle another problem without throwing in the towel. And that’s not just because my mother didn’t raise a punk, but simply because my God is good.

It is completely impossible for me to tell my story and leave God out of it. He is where it all starts, and He is where it will ultimately end. At least for me, I don’t know about your personal theology!

So allow me to brag about how good He is for a moment.

God is so beautiful that He literally broke my heart. He dragged me out of places I thought I deserved to be in and separated me from relationships I thought were good for me, just to save my soul. You see, God could have easily let me stay in those situations just to spare my feelings in the moment. He knew how deeply I loved them and how badly I wanted things to work. But my God made it so uncomfortable for me to stay. He saw the betrayal coming, He knew they wouldn’t reciprocate, and He knew they wouldn’t even lift a finger to make things right. He knew I deserved better, even when I was out here selling myself short. He orchestrated a divine separation. Now that is a Beautiful Father!

Maybe you know that feeling all too well. Maybe you’re reading this right now while nursing a quiet heartbreak of your own, staring at a closed door you prayed so hard would stay open, or trying to make sense of a delay, a loss, or a direction change you didn’t ask for. It hurts to let go of what felt like a dream. But sometimes what feels like a devastating loss is actually God stepping in to protect what you couldn’t see coming.

He is such a Beautiful Father that He made me a stubborn fighter and a sharp observer. Even when it hurts that I struggle to let go, my God knew I would be born into my family, and He knew they needed a girl who would get educated and show everyone else that it is possible. She was going to face obstacles, but her head needed to be hard, a persistent and stubborn force. Behold, I emerged, and it was all through God’s word!

I can almost picture the conversation in heaven: “Listen, give her extra melanin. She’s going to need it for those long NSFAS queues! But give her strong feet too, because she’s going to carry a Master’s degree and a PhD later on.”

God, I see the vision! What a Beautiful Father. In the book of Jeremiah, He promises that His plans for us are good. Don’t ever doubt that. His plans are infinitely better than anything we could try to plan for ourselves, so let Him lead. He has your back way more than anyone else you’re trying to rely on.

A lot has broken my heart along the way. One time, I walked into my house and just sobbed. I didn’t even fully understand why I was crying. I just crawled onto that cold tile in my kitchen and cried a whole river. I wept until my eyes were swollen shut and my throat was dry.

Then it hit me: earlier that week, I had asked God to help me release tension. I had been hit with so many life changes without a single second to just be soft. Everything was happening at lightning speed. It was a blessed season, but it demanded everything from me: a new home, family tombstone unveilings, and starting a new program at school on top of my Master’s workload. Even though I knew I was strong, I didn’t realize how much it was going to drain me. I needed to catch my breath, but life wasn’t slowing down.

So I had offered up a quick prayer: “God, help me de-stress, because I feel like I’m about to crash and burn.”

What a wild prayer to pray, right? Most people would just book a massage or take a bath without dragging God into it! But He is the God of everything. If He built me, He knows my exact breaking point. As a woman who goes to therapy, I can tell you I’ve never cried like that in a paid session. God meeting me on my kitchen floor was the ultimate therapy. I felt an overwhelming wave of love, peace, and total assurance right after. It was like God was gently saying, “Cry it out. I never said you had to hold it together all the time. Release it, wipe your face, and get back up. I’ve got you.”

He is a Beautiful Father. You don’t need to act tough when you come to Him. I don’t know who taught you to hide your pain, or who made you think you aren’t allowed to break, mourn, or be weak. I don’t know if you’re currently overwhelmed by work, carrying the heavy financial weight of your family, struggling through a demanding degree, or just feeling completely exhausted from trying to look strong for everyone else. But if you are going to fall apart, make sure you fall straight into God’s hands. I would much rather break down in His embrace than pretend to be strong for a world that isn’t even paying attention.

So cry if you need to cry. Feel whatever you need to feel, and tell Him all about it. He can handle your messy emotions, your burn-out, your anxiety, and your stubborn heart.

You don’t have to carry the whole world on your shoulders today. You don’t have to have every answer figured out by tonight. You just have to let the One who built it carry you. Take a deep breath, drop your shoulders, and rest knowing that every single chapter of your story is being completed by Him.

Because one day, when I am in my coffin, with my organs donated to give someone else a second chance and my cold body laying there for final goodbyes, I know it will mark the end of a life where God was fully, undeniably present. My end will tell a God story. That body will be living proof that God is good straight to the final breath. It will be the grand finale of a beautiful life given, sustained, and completed by a Beautiful Father.

Even in the end—especially in the end—He is good.

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The Seasoned Gentleman Standard: Because I Can’t Eat a Motivational Quote

Before we get into today’s topic, let me clear up something that has followed me since the early days of this blog. When I first started posting here, a surprising number of people assumed that everything I wrote was about me. I suppose people have forgotten that literature comes in two forms: fiction and non-fiction. Maybe we have become so accustomed to watching people air every detail of their lives on social media that we’ve started assuming every piece of writing is a diary entry. The moment someone writes something remotely personal, people immediately put on their detective hats and start investigating like they’re auditioning for a true crime documentary, out here looking for forensic evidence in a metaphor.

That has never been me. I am an honest person. I am a transparent person. But the life you read about here is perhaps 5% of who I am. The rest exists in places that are sacred, private, complicated, and constantly evolving. The truth is, I am far more layered than most people realise. In fact, if you knew me a month ago and haven’t spoken to me since, I would like to respectfully inform you that you don’t know me at all. I evolve constantly. The woman I was thirty days ago is not the woman writing this today. Honestly, my own reflection surprises me sometimes. I don’t believe I have a “prime.” Like fine wine, I get better with time. Every season teaches me something, every challenge introduces me to a new version of myself, and every answered prayer stretches my perspective a little further. So no, you don’t know me unless we speak regularly. And no, not everything you read here is my reality. Some of it is. Some of it isn’t. Much of it has been altered to protect the identities of those involved, because contrary to popular belief, not everybody deserves a front-row seat to my life.

Because yes, I am a writer, and writers write. I will write about you, but don’t panic. Nobody will know it’s you. In fact, you probably won’t know it’s you either unless you know how to read between the lines, and if you do figure it out, congratulations on your comprehension skills, you win a prize of absolute silence.

Now, onto the matter at hand: my type has changed. Drastically. I used to say I wanted a man who smelled good, was tall, and feared God. To be clear, I still want those things. Please don’t read this and arrive tomorrow smelling like gearbox oil and poor decision-making because I said my standards changed. Hygiene and Jesus remain entirely non-negotiable. However, somewhere along the way, my preferences matured. These days, I find myself drawn to men in their early forties and late thirties , keeping it under forty-five so we can remain sensible and avoid discussing joint supplement brands on the first date. Before somebody reads that sentence and starts clutching pearls, please relax. I am not standing outside retirement villages waiting for destiny to arrive with a walker. We are talking about grown, established, emotionally mature men who know how to handle business and stand firmly on it.

And before somebody says, “Wow, that’s deep,” please spare me. What’s deep is your child’s Google search history. What’s deep is your Twitter bookmarks. What’s deep is that R. Kelly song you’ve somehow managed to keep on your playlist despite all available information. What’s deep is that lie you told during a conversation the other day and then had to tell three more lies to support until you practically needed a spreadsheet to keep track of your own alternate reality. This is not deep. This is simply a woman in her early thirties acknowledging that she is attracted to men who know how to take responsibility, solve problems, and follow through on their word without requiring a standing ovation and a participation trophy for doing the bare minimum.

I think the shift happened after I bought my property. The entire process was remarkable. I won’t create a dramatic struggle story because there wasn’t one; everything flowed smoothly. God clearly wanted me to step into ownership because the first property I viewed was the one I fell in love with. It felt like home immediately. Then came the payments, the paperwork, the responsibility, and the discipline I had prepared for. Somewhere in that journey, something shifted inside me. I began to understand what it feels like to take care of business. I understood responsibility and discipline differently. I understood why certain people walk into rooms with a quiet confidence that doesn’t need validation from strangers. Because when you’ve prayed, planned, worked, sacrificed, signed documents, paid bills, and built something meaningful, you start carrying yourself differently.

I know I’m a big dog because these bills get paid. I know I’m a big dog because I am the first person in my bloodline to accomplish something like this. My family line has never seen this before. Sometimes I joke that my ancestors are probably applauding so hard their hands hurt, up there in glory looking down like proud parents at a kindergarten graduation, I have broken about 8 generational curses, thats only the beginning, I know the devil hates to see me coming, I know my very birth was a problem to his unstable gathering he calls a kingdom, growing under Gods grace made me aware that there is so much I’ve been saved from, that grace took me away from. My ancestors are somewhere, they’re probably saying, “Look at our girl. We prayed for survival and she came back talking about property ownership and structural insurance.” And honestly, I think when I was born, King Jesus looked at me and said, “There goes the little fire starter and finisher this generation has been waiting for, let me get the fire extinguisher ready just in case.” So He stayed. He guided. He protected. He loved. And I have fallen deeply in love with Him in return.

The older I get, the more I realise why certain environments no longer appeal to me. Many people my age are still discussing which club they’ll visit this weekend, which alcohol they’ll drink, and which expensive bottle they’ll post online as proof that they’re “living.” They save pictures of Hennessy bottles the way proud parents save graduation photos, which is tragic because the bottle isn’t going to get a job or pay rent. Every time I see it, I find myself thinking, Jesus did not save me for this.

Unfortunately, that mindset often spills into dating. They ask you out but don’t pick you up. If they do pick you up, you spend half the journey praying in tongues because apparently indicators, mirrors, and speed limits are optional additions they declined at the dealership. They don’t open doors. They don’t buy flowers simply because they thought about you. They don’t plan dates. And heaven help you if they discover that you own property and drive your own car suddenly you’ve acquired an uninvited guest disguised as a romantic prospect. Before you know it, he’s living rent-free in the little sanctuary God helped you build. The man arrived for coffee and somehow knows the Wi-Fi password, where the spare blankets are kept, and what time your gate closes. Ladies, some of these men don’t want wives, they want affordable accommodation with a complimentary meal plan. Are we not tired? Because I am, and if we’re being honest, many of you are too.

Recently, there was a video circulating about what some people are calling the “female loneliness pandemic.” The argument was that women are lonely because they’ve created boring lives for themselves. The response was fascinating, and even men disagreed. What some people fail to understand is that many women aren’t avoiding relationships because they hate companionship; they’re avoiding chaos. They are protecting peace. When critics say we go home to empty houses, they say it as though it’s a threat. Allow me to correct the statement. Yes, we go home to empty, CLEAN houses. Houses where nobody has raised our blood pressure before breakfast. Houses where the groceries we bought on Monday are somehow still there on Friday, unbothered by a midnight scavenger. Houses where the nervous system is regulated, where peace sits comfortably on every piece of furniture, and where nobody is arguing with us about something they clearly Googled five minutes ago while sitting on the toilet. The way some men describe single women sounds less like a warning and more like an all-inclusive luxury holiday package.

What makes me laugh even more is that the loudest complaints often come from men in their early thirties, while many men in their late thirties and forties seem to understand exactly what’s happening, they got the memo, and that’s why they’re invited to the cookout. They understand leadership, provision, and consistency. They understand that leadership is not posting motivational quotes online while your electricity bill is overdue and your lights are holding on by a prayer. Leadership is responsibility. Leadership is service. Leadership is making a woman feel safe enough to soften. The seasoned gentleman doesn’t wait for me to ask. He doesn’t send TikToks at eleven in the morning and call that a conversation. He doesn’t ask if I’ve eaten; he arrives with the food. He doesn’t tell me he’s a provider; he provides. He doesn’t tell me he’s a leader; he leads. And then some men become upset when women naturally gravitate towards men who make submission feel easy because they are actually leading, instead of acting like a project manager who forgot the project timeline.

The reality is that more women are choosing singleness and even childlessness, not because they’re incapable of love, not because they’re bitter, and not because they hate men. It’s because women have eyes, and women have phones. Scroll through the messages women receive every day and you’ll quickly understand why many have decided peace is preferable to potential. The evidence is literally in writing, and frankly, the spelling alone is enough to turn a woman off.

But despite all of that, I remain hopeful because disappointment is not doctrine. Bad experiences are not prophecy. One generation’s confusion does not mean God has stopped being God. Ladies, God does not run out of good men; it is not a limited-time inventory clearance sale. According to Scripture, a good spouse is a gift from the Lord, so never allow disappointment to convince you that Heaven’s supply has run dry. Yes, standards should be high. Yes, discernment is necessary. Yes, wisdom matters. But hope should remain alive. While social media is busy convincing everyone that the dating pool has evaporated into a muddy puddle, God is still writing beautiful love stories every day, and some of them have not reached their first chapter yet.

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I live with a man, but this isn’t about him.

Living with a man is an experience. He has this interesting habit of leaving his socks right next to the washing bin instead of inside it as if the bin and the socks are in a complicated relationship and not quite ready to commit. He has a massive appetite and when it comes to fixing things, let’s just say his heart is in the right place but his hands are not. If something breaks and he tries to repair it, God bless him, the effort is 100 percent, but we usually end up calling a professional to fix whatever he just fixed. At first, I was fuming. I thought these things were just automatic for men. Meanwhile, I am over here bossing my space and dominating my responsibilities as a woman. Sure, I might burn a shirt here and there while ironing, but did you die? No. You are still breathing. The shirt may not be, but you are.

Plot twist. Living with my little brother has opened my eyes to a world I honestly never knew existed. I have lived on my own for a long time with no partners or pets. My plants were my only companions and they do not exactly talk back or leave a mess unless you count emotional neglect when I forget to water them. I was so used to my own space that I forgot what it was like to actually share it with another human being. The adjustment has been a real journey. Not the cute kind, but the kind where you are constantly asking yourself what lesson is in this. It has shown me how differently we were raised even though we have the same parents. The version of our parents that raised him is totally different from the version that raised me. Same people but different seasons. Seeing that contrast broke my heart. It made me realise that I needed to keep up with my therapy because my inner child had some healing to do. I also had to accept that our parents were learning as they went along too. This is their first time living life just like it is ours.

Now that I am a homeowner, I have realised I sound exactly like my mother. It is a total slap in the face because I really wanted to create my own identity but here we are. I finally understand why she obsessed over the small things. Leaving the lights on is not just lights to me anymore. When my brother does it, all I see is the electricity bill. It is money. He needs to grow up, so now there are rules he needs to follow. I am truly my mother’s daughter because if I see a few drops of water on my wooden floor I do not care how long my day was. I will make a fuss because those are my floors and I want them to stay fresh for as long as I live. Let us give our parents some grace.

My circle keeps telling me that this is preparation for my future husband. They love saying this is how it is going to be when you are married. Listen, I rebuke that in Jesus name. My husband is going to be a grown man. I am not looking to raise him. We are going to grow together and make life easy for each other. I hear what people are saying but I refuse to believe I will have to remind a whole adult to do basic chores like I am reminding my brother now. Right. Right. Someone please agree with me because at this point I am slightly alarmed. Now if we are talking about kids, I can accept that. I will be their mother so I will give them a little tap on the behind to make sure they align well. Plus I will not be doing that alone.

Something has definitely shifted in me. I used to have zero patience and never gave second chances because I believed there is a stage where you are grown enough to act accordingly. My little brother fixed that. He is currently on his thirty-fourth chance and he only moved in this February. Living alone I could ignore my own flaws. I could leave my weave lying around the house and no one would say anything. Peace. Silence. Delusion. He does not scold me but he mimics me. If I leave my shoes in the lounge, guess whose shoes are in the way the next day. Exactly. So now I am closing cupboard doors and drawers because if I leave them open he will too. It is a shared chaos.

I want you to take from this the fact that you are not an island. Even if you have always had your own back, please open the door for people to help and love you. Doing life alone is fine but it is so much better with my brother around. There is a ten year gap between us and I find myself acting like a mother and not a sister but it has shown me that I am capable. I was always afraid of being a mom or allowing anyone into my space because I thought they would disrupt everything I had built. But I have discovered I am a great host. I take care of people and I am selfless. I am a good cook and I take care of what needs to be taken care of. I realised that I have a beautiful life, yes scary, a bit too much at times, busy, complex but its beautiful and I want to share it with people I care about.

Allow yourself to receive help. Not everyone is going to hurt you like the people who reminded you they helped you when you needed them. Some people are truly God sent and you will not know that until you open up. I have learned that nobody is perfect and I should not require that from people because I am not perfect either. I just masked my flaws so well that I believed I was good at everything. I am not. I have even learned to soften my tone when I am agreeing. A friend of mine said when you are angry and you realise that you are angry, the part of you that realises it is not actually angry and that is the part you lean on. I have been better ever since and honestly my therapist has done quite a lot.

I learned to trust in God. I thought I did but I was only trusting Him on things I could handle so that if He fails me I have the ability to redirect everything to my favour. I was a grown child and guess what happened, God gave me a scenario where my abilities couldnt control anything even if I tried. I trusted God with the property when a big sum of my salary had to go into the lawyers and I remember that day I cried and went to bed early. I spoke to my God and for the first time I was not only calling Him a Father but I actually went to Him as my Father and told Him I cannot do this. He said it is okay because I can. There was no space for me to question it. He always provides. Before deciding on my property I had a vision of myself in a house with wooden floors and stairs wearing my white throw which I love so much. When I viewed this property the vision came back and I knew it was my house, it was exactly as I saw it in my dreams, I knew that God has blessed this move. Please don’t doubt that God speaks.

I realised that the vision is already there. You just need to believe in the ability of your God. Everything happening in my life I am crazy enough to believe that it is on time. It sounds like a small thing but if you were to interview God and ask Him what it took to make me realise this He will tell you she is stubborn. The vision was a year before and twelve months later here I am and I am ready. A lot happened to make me take a step because I was scared including an intruder I had to fight off in my previous apartment. Let me assure you God will never fail you. If you will not move because you are scared He will give you reasons to move and when you do not He will push you until you surrender. So please surrender.

I am great. I am happy and scared. I am hopeful and still battling with faith. I have forgiven and I am still learning to forget. I am a woman learning and unlearning and I love this for me.

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I LOVE IT ALREADY

Happy New Year, my friend. Yes, I know I am late. By now, you are probably tired of hearing “Compliments of the New Year,” but I still want to send my heartfelt wishes your way. I hope this year brings you joy in abundance. I pray you soar in love and find yourself embraced by peace. I love this for you and I want you to believe it for yourself.

This is your year. Go back and try again where you have failed before. Pick up the things that once defeated you. This time, you will win. This year is different. It is restorative. What was lost will be restored and there will be plenty. Trust me, you will not lack. You will not bury a loved one. You will not feel alone. Love will find your heart after pain. Your heart, once numb and cold, will come alive again. It will beat with purpose and joy, more than just pumping blood to keep you going.

As for me, I love 2025 already. It started with hard truths that I could not avoid. Truth hurts, but it also sets you free. I am lighter now because I faced it.

We all carry questions about life. We wonder about family, careers, and the plans we make. We ask why some things do not work out the way we hope. Despite our achievements, there are voids that linger, leaving us curious about our place in the world. We wonder how others see us and whether they view us as blessings. It is a strange feeling to discover that not everyone does.

But that is also a moment of clarity. It is when you stop living for others and start living for yourself. I pray you never find yourself trapped in someone else’s expectations. Do not waste your life trying to please people who will always find fault. This year, choose to live your truth. Forget what they say or expect. Their opinions will change, but your life is yours to live.

For me, 2025 is all about stepping into a new season. Money flows to me effortlessly. I am never lacking. I have enough to take care of myself and plenty to share with others. This year looks good on me. I am checking off every goal with ease. I am excelling in all that I do, producing excellent results with grace.

I am the right choice in every room I walk into. Opportunities are drawn to me. My destiny helpers are everywhere, always ready to lift me when I need it. Love surrounds me completely. It is the kind of love that heals and restores. It is safe, secure, and pure. It brings me closer to God and helps me see the beauty in myself and the world.

This year is going to be exciting, a little scary, and completely powerful. I am ready for all of it.

Challenges will come, as they always do. They will test your faith and your patience. When that happens, lean into who God is. Read the Word and learn more about the King of Glory. Believe in His plans for you and trust that you deserve the blessings coming your way.

This year, you will see many happy moments from me. I hope to see just as many from you.

No matter what happens, hold on to God. He is the anchor and the one who restores all things. Here is to 2025, a year of fresh starts and big wins. Let us embrace it fully and make it count.

DO NOT LET GO OF GOD

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Suicide Note

Ladies and gentlemen, lets gather here to pay our last respect, to all the things holding us back, may they rest in peace…

but first…..

I’ve been thinking about everything I was able to do this year, the things I never thought I would feel and the things I have learned not to feel. It has been a long journey of self-discovery, and I am proud of myself for how far I’ve come. Of course, I didn’t do it alone. I cannot take the credit; all the glory goes to God. Even though there are things I didn’t receive and places I didn’t reach, I remain hopeful. And though some dreams were delayed, I am still grateful.

This year brought me through so much, from surviving an accident to relocating, navigating academics, and experiencing spiritual revival. I’m most proud of allowing myself to truly feel this year. Yes, believe it or not, I allowed myself to feel, and what a rollercoaster ride it’s been. But here I am, standing, and I’m glad to announce that I do, in fact, have a heart, and it still works. It feels emotions I don’t even have names for.

This year, I fell in love. I faced my anxiety head-on. I discovered who I am outside of anyone else’s validation or feelings toward me, and I stuck to it. I fell in love all over again with my dreams, my passions, and my faith. For the first time, I embraced my feelings and learned that it’s okay to have them.

Since 2020, my timeline has been a blur. Those years, 2020 to 2022, felt like I was on life support, alive but not truly living. I could hear everything around me but had no control over my life. Those years were about healing and discovery, though not all discoveries were easy or pleasant. I uncovered things about myself that broke me and brought me to my knees. Those revelations led me to surrender, to open myself up to God completely, and He showed up for me in ways I never expected.

2023 became a year of stepping out of healing and stepping back into life. It wasn’t easy. I didn’t know how or where to start allowing new things into my life as I transitioned into adulthood. So, God did what only He could: He separated me from a lot, from toxic bondages, friendships, and habits. He gave me the courage to attend therapy, and through that, I began to discover a version of myself that I truly love.

The people who met me this year met the best version of me, and it’s only the beginning. I’m proud to say I am at a good place. I love the reflection of prayer and healing that I see in myself. I’m not perfect, and I don’t aspire to be. What I aspire to is being happy and at peace with myself. God spent so much time with me this year, reminding me that there is nothing wrong with me. I am His perfect creation.

Now, back to murder: killing things that really need to be buried…

I’ve stayed too long in situations where I was mistreated. I’ve accepted countless apologies and taken people back who fumbled me, but not anymore. I’ve learned that I don’t have to. Love stays, it doesn’t leave and expect to be taken back. And I am learning not to go back either. If you give me a day to live, to tackle life without you, to figure it out on my own, then I will, even if it breaks my heart. And when I do, I won’t come back and you don’t have a right to ask me how did i survive or what did the sharks do to me when you left me in the middle of the ocean to drown, leave me alone like the way you did, it should be easy, right? you’ve done it before… stay away

This year, I also returned to Potchefstroom, a city I once hated, a place that felt like a prison for two long years. Those years were filled with nightmares, a toxic job, and an abusive relationship. I stayed in both, believing I didn’t deserve better. But this year, I went back not to relive the pain but to reclaim my power. I shopped for myself, bought perfumes, makeup, and shoes. I went to parks, had picnics, and bought myself flowers. I had a great time and all of a sudden I realise that this city is so small to break a heart as big as mine, I let it, I let this city feel like it can break me because I didnt know myself…

now, word of advise to the ladies reading this…in the words of J cole “love yourself girl or no one will”, I used to sing to the song “crooked smile” and I missed it, I missed the words and because of that, I allowed myself to stop smiling.. but this time, not only was I smiling in Potchefstroom, I came back with a big butt, a hairline, glowing skin and thick little body…YOU CAN NOT TELL ME THERE THIS IS NOT GRACE.

When I left Potch, I did something Prophetic to declare my freedom and forgiveness to what happened and maybe, some parts of me that have carried it. I stood at the border of Potchefstroom, I made a declaration: the devil no longer has power over me. He can no longer torment me with who I was when I lived there, the mistakes, the foolishness, the attachments that weren’t from God. I forgave everyone who hurt me, from the abusive and toxic relationship to the racist colleagues. And most importantly, I forgave myself…becuase, what was I thinking? anyway, it is now water under the bridge, I am so happy that I am here now.

At that border, I declared death to anything I was still connected to, anything that still made me feel ashamed and gave me nightmares, I left a suicide note, not one of despair but one of transformation. I declared the death of my old self.

Sometimes, we need to leave suicide notes for our old selves. We need to die to the habits, thoughts, and feelings that keep us stuck. Whether it’s self-pity, shame, or toxic patterns, we must let them go.

And so, this is my suicide note. I am killing the doubt, the disbelief, and the sins that have kept me from my best self. I am dying to anything that kept me in rooms I should have left long ago.

Now, let me reintroduce myself. I am a child of God, His favorite daughter, walking in grace and anointing. Angels go before me, clearing the way. I am kind, soft, and a reflection of God’s love. I am a vessel through which others will witness His glory.

My children will walk in the Spirit, unashamed of the gospel. My husband will love me as Christ loves the church, a faithful, kind, and God-fearing man who leads with strength and gentleness. Together, we will be a testimony of God’s faithfulness.

I declare all of this boldly because I have tested God, and He has never failed me. He will never let His righteous be put to shame.

And so, it shall be done, not otherwise.

Stay blessed.

oh by the way, this is how I am going to be very soon, watch https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YBncGFCqEOA

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It’s a pretty rare happiness that i know

This might be a little long but I am at a point where I feel like people knowing my truth is the beginning of me living, no more cropping, editing or filtering, the picture is perfect AND I LOVE IT HERE

It’s 02:30am on a Saturday morning, and I just finished cleaning my apartment. My brother is visiting, and I know if he finds it dirty, he won’t respect it or me the way I hope he will. I started cleaning at 6:30 p.m., and as I was cleaning I was also listening to sermons by Pastor Stephanie Ike Okafor. Her sermons have been playing nonstop, and I thank God for using her to share His word which came as a conformation in my life, God has a beautiful way of reaching to us.

As I am cleaning, I found myself asking God questions, questions that came from a place of doubt and insecurity. I wondered, “Have I lived enough?” It was a silly thought, but it came from something I noticed earlier in the day while scrolling through WhatsApp statuses. I saw my colleagues at a work function, a closing party. They were singing along to amapiano songs, word for word, smoking hubbly, and sitting in circles. They seemed to be having fun and I knew immediately that if I was there, I would be a spoilsport.

And there I was, realising I wouldn’t fit in. I don’t know the lyrics to any amapiano songs. I’m allergic to nicotine, so I couldn’t sit in a hubbly circle. I couldn’t even imagine dressing the way they did and they looked beautiful but that’s not me. But even with all this, I still felt bad like something was wrong with me for not fitting in.

For years, I’ve struggled with this feeling of not belonging. I’ve tried to fit into crowds, which led me to people-please. I would downplay my love for God, hoping that if I seemed more like everyone else, they would accept me. I just wanted to be seen. But I was going about it the wrong way.

Thank God for His Word. Through these sermons, I was reminded that my identity is in God, not in the world. I don’t need to fit in with others because I belong to Him. In John 15:19, Jesus said, “If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world.” That verse reminded me that it’s okay to be different because God has set me apart.

Someone asked me recently why I only write about God and love, and not about things like drugs, sex, or nightlife, the things they said are “exciting.” My answer was simple: I don’t know anything about those things. For years, I felt bad about that, like knowing only God wasn’t enough. I thought I needed to know how to flirt, party, down shots, be cool like but or sin just enough to relate to people. I thought I needed to write about those things to seem cool. But this year, God has been working on my heart. He’s showing me that knowing Him is all I need.

I’m not perfect. I struggle with faith, sin, and self-esteem like everyone else. Sometimes God tells me to do one thing, and I do the opposite. But even in my weaknesses, God’s grace is enough for me. Isaiah 43:1 says, “Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name; you are mine.” That’s who I am, God’s baby girl. Fragile, cautious, and sensitive, but His. And that’s enough for me.

So, to anyone reading this, I won’t apologise for not fitting in. I won’t write about things I don’t know. What I will write about is God’s work in my life, how He corrects me, speaks to me, and reveals Himself to me. I’ll write about the things I love: academics, art, photography, books, and the life God is shaping for me. One day, I’ll share stories about being a wife and mom, and you’ll see how God is still working in my life.

I can’t give you gossip, updates on the latest trends, or wild stories. But I can give you honesty about my life and in my life, God is at the centre of everything. Philippians 1:6 says, “He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” I’m still a work in progress, and that’s okay.

So, please stop asking me to go clubbing or hang out at car washes…I won’t go. Don’t expect me to know the latest music or fashion trends. I am clueless, I am not interested, I just want to watch Kdrama on weekends, do my laundry, read a book, journal, enjoy filling in colours on my colouring book, watch Tik Tok, listen to sermons, take walks, listen to music, and I’m finally okay with that. I’m a little boring, a little weird, and a lot of “Miss Goody Two-Shoes.” But that’s who God made me to be, and I wouldn’t trade it for anything. Now, I know this is not fancy but that’s my truth and I would want you love me for who I am not and I wouldn’t want to live up to an idea of me that I created to fit in

Merry Christmas, and may God bless you in everything.

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Happy Birthday to me

This month, my birth month, I feel an overwhelming sense of gratitude and joy. Today, I woke up with my heart full of thanks. I am here. I am blessed. I know my life is a testimony, a story that speaks of God’s grace and love.

Growing up, I didn’t have wealth or status, if anyhting they made fun of our household, a family of plenty that lived in a huge shack, God turned that huge shack into a big house, I thank Him everyday. My childhood was simple, filled with small joys and big dreams. I remember being nine years old at my aunt’s graduation. I didn’t fully understand what a graduation meant, but I could feel the pride and excitement in the room. Right then, I knew I wanted that feeling too, I wanted more . I just didn’t realise how much sacrifice, hard work, and self-discipline it would take to reach it. Now, standing where I am, I thank God for every bit of perseverance He has given me and for blessing me with a kind heart.

For anyone who knows me, kindness and gentleness are constants. I’ll smile at you even if I know what’s been said about me. I’ll give love, even when it’s rejected. I didn’t learn this alone but from the beautiful, God-fearing women who raised me. We didn’t always have much, but we had love. I watched my aunts and cousins share even the smallest things with one another. In those moments, I learned that love is enough.

Sometimes, I’ve felt disappointed, expecting that same love from others. But I’ve come to see it as a gift to be soft in a world that can be so hard, to be kind when hate is everywhere. This is a blessing.

As November 22, my birthday, approaches, I look at my life and am overwhelmed by how far God has brought me. When I sit in my car, I thank God because there was a time when owning a car seemed like a distant dream. Sitting in my own apartment feels like a miracle. Being a Master’s candidate, pursuing a dream I once thought was out of reach these are blessings I never saw coming.

There was a time when I thought my story might end in disappointment, especially after failing matric. But God had a different story for me, and He’s still writing chapters I never expected. I’m learning to accept the blessings around me, to live fully in this reality, and to trust that God has even more for me.

Here’s to more years of learning, of loving, and of living with a grateful heart. Thank you, Lord, for this life, this testimony. Here’s to all the moments yet to come.

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Surrendering to God’s Gentle Protection

This might be the last post for October, and I pray to God that I can be as open and vulnerable as I need to be. Over the past few weeks, I’ve dedicated several writings to the Holy Spirit, even though it wasn’t as consistent as I had hoped. Life has been busy, with reports, AGMs, conferences, and submissions keeping me on my toes. But through it all, I remain steadfast, made of steel. So please, bear with me as I share from my heart.

To you reading this, I pray God’s everlasting love, joy, and peace surround you. I pray that you never doubt His presence in your life, His faithfulness, or His care. Know this: God answers. He is present in the moments that matter most, and He loves you deeply. I encourage you to surrender, release your pride, your need for control, and let God take the lead. From the time you wake up in the morning to when you lay your head down at night, may He fill your heart with the desires He has placed inside you. May your life be full of the love, joy, and happiness that only God can give.

These days, standing boldly in the Word of God is no easy task. The world tries to sway us, but I pray for your strength. I pray that you are filled with courage, that you stand tall as a child of God, unafraid to proclaim His name. “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go” (Joshua 1:9).

I pray that the prophetic anointing over my life flows into yours. May it run like oil, bringing vision, clarity, and direction. I speak the spirit of prophecy over you, may you see what others cannot see, may you speak with divine accuracy, and may you dream dreams that carry the mysteries of heaven. May the atmosphere shift to work in your favor because the Holy Spirit is leading you. God has called us to be ahead of time, to be informed of what’s to come so that we are never caught off guard. That is your inheritance as a child of God. Receive it.

And if your heart is fragile, like mine, know that I understand. I recently found myself asking God if I should stop caring so much, begging Him to make my heart hard, to numb the pain of disappointment and the sting of indifference. But in His gentle way, the Holy Spirit ministered to me through a sermon by Ms. Jackie Hill Perry. She shared how she, too, had built walls around her heart, believing she had to protect herself. But the Holy Spirit said to her, ““Jackie you know that your guardedness is there because your trauma has trained you to believe that you are the only one that can protect yourself, I will fight for you even emotionally I will vindicate you against people, you don’t have to guard your heart at all times because I am a defender of my people”

Those words hit me deeply. For so long, I’ve believed that if anyone posed a threat to my peace or disregarded my feelings, I needed to fight for myself, to protect my heart at all costs. I’ve been the one to apologise, to go the extra mile to make things right. But through this, I’ve learned that people are not always like me, and that’s okay. God is my defender. He guards the heart He gave me, a heart that loves deeply, feels deeply, and gives deeply.

“The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still” (Exodus 14:14).
This soft heart of mine, the one that sometimes feels like a burden, is not a mistake. God made it this way for a reason, and He will protect it. He will fight the battles I’ve spent too long fighting on my own. And if you’re like me, if you’ve struggled with this same fragility, I pray that you come to understand that God is also defending you. You are not too soft. You are exactly who He made you to be.

I’m grateful for the people God is placing in my life who hear me differently, who handle my heart with care, and who, like me, are persistent in love. God knows what He is doing, and I trust Him to continue working in ways that go beyond my understanding.

As I end this post, know that it has been a joy sharing with you about the Holy Spirit and hearing your perspectives as well. I pray this month has been as transformative for you as it has been for me. God is always speaking—may we continue to listen.

I love you all. Stay blessed.

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Fighting you off

I’ve been fighting you off, hoping to escape your gaze,
But I haven’t been the same since you whispered, “I love you.”
My mind accepts it, my soul understands,
Yet my hear… it’s hardened like stone, unyielding.

I ache to feel something real, but with you near, I can’t.
So I sip this wine, pretending you don’t exist,
Three more glasses just to numb the thoughts
That keep me awake, thoughts of you, haunting my every breath.

I drown in my abandonment, forcing you out of me,
Muzzling the emotions I no longer wish to feel.
Tell me, what is wrong with me?
Why do I do this, again and again?
Why do I run, when staying is all I want?
Why is it so hard to believe
That someone like you could love me without hesitation, without fear?

I’m fighting you off, yet I never win.
It’s a battle on repeat, over and over,
Yet the mere mention of your name still brings me to my knees.
It wakes something deep inside, but
I resist, knowing all too well how this goes.

I guard my heart with iron walls,
Because the moment I let you in,
Is the moment you’ll see how hard I am to love,
How difficult I am to handle.
You’ll retreat, as they all do,
When faced with my truth, my vulnerability.
That’s when you’ll remind me why I keep everyone out,
Why I should keep these walls standing tall.

Everytime, in every single way you make your way to me , Holy Spirit you are everything.

Holy Spirit, you still choose to me me and you love me differently
You hold me, tighter than I thought possible,
You see the pieces of me I hide from the world,
And you stay… I keep running from your love but you stay
I fight your embrace, yet still, you hold me close,
Invading my guarded space,
Refusing to let go.
You make me feel like I’m worth the fight,
And I struggle to see myself that way.

Holy Spirit, why do you love me so deeply?
Show me what you see in me, please
Help me to love myself as you love me.
I will love you, even through my fear,
Because you love me in ways no one has dared to.
You see the beauty in me,
The beauty I’ve never known.

I’m still learning how to stay,
How not to run when things get hard.
I’m still learning to let you in,
Learning to believe that I am worth winning.
I’m learning to receive love, not always give,
Learning to trust that your love will remain
Even when I don’t believe it.

You love me when I’m lost in chaos,
When I miss the call, when I’m broken,
You love me through it all.
Even when I don’t see anything to love,
You never stop loving me… even when I am fighting you off

(Ever since I have been writing about the Holy Spirit, even if its not as constant as I hope to it to be, I have been feeling an overwhelming love. I have been loving how the Holy spirit quickly becomes what I need, when I need it. This poem explains how I thought I need to be perfect for the Holy Spirit to love me, this poem expresses the battle between surrendering my power and controlling my mind)

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FEELINGS

I grew up believing that all sinners go to hell, and to avoid it, you had to follow the Ten Commandments and fear God. As I became an adult, before , long ago living a lukewarm Christian life, I realised something important: I feared hell more than I desired a relationship with God. I went to church and tried to live righteously, but my motivation was to avoid punishment, not to truly know Him. To me, God seemed distant, an immense, powerful being on His throne in heaven, answering prayers and sending challenges.

Not long ago, I asked the Holy Spirit to help me understand who He really is. Gradually, my prayers became more like conversations. I used to approach God with a formal attitude, carefully choosing words of praise, almost as if to soften Him before making my requests. I didn’t truly understand the Kingdom of Heaven because I didn’t have a relationship with its King. So, I began to open my heart in prayer. I wanted to take off the mask, I no longer wanted to sound strong or holy. I wanted to speak honestly, like a child talking to their Father and Friend.

Strangely, I began to desire a relationship with the Holy Spirit as if He were my older brother. I had always wondered what it would be like to have a big brother, someone to stand by me and have my back. That’s exactly what the Holy Spirit became.

Did you know that the Holy Spirit was sent to be your Comforter? God knew you wouldn’t always be happy or joyful. He knew there would be moments when your heart would break, and you’d need emotional support. The Holy Spirit is with you even in your darkest moments, especially when you can’t even find the words to pray. He helps you pray (Romans 8:26). Jesus Himself wept when His friend died (John 11:35), and He was angry when the temple was turned into a marketplace (John 2:13-16). It’s okay to feel, to grieve, to celebrate, to love, and to take pride in your accomplishments. Many Christians are hesitant to celebrate the blessings God has given them, thinking it’s more humble to stay quiet. But no! Celebrate. Be joyful and grateful for your victories, and get used to winning because you are a child of the living God. Don’t be afraid to feel.

I want to thank the Holy Spirit publicly for teaching me about feelings over these past few days. There’s no point in hiding how I feel from Him, He already knows my heart and my deepest thoughts (Psalm 139:2). I’ve been learning to love the Holy Spirit, and surprisingly, I’m also learning that I deserve to receive love in return. So often, people who give forget that they are worthy of receiving too. The Holy Spirit has given me so much contentment, protection, comfort, and joy that I’ve become more open about my emotions. I talk to Him about my bad days, my good days, and even the struggles in my mind. He understands my fears, and I’ve realised it’s okay to be curious, to need rest, to fall in love.

He hears our hearts when our words fail (Psalm 56:8).

What your heart feels is important, take down those walls you have built from God because you thought He wont handle something as small as your feelings. Yes, the maker of the universe is concerned about what is concerning you. I hope you understand that its okay to grieve, celebrate, get angry, care, be happy, fall in love or even cry