Tag: life

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Beating the Allegations: A Guide to Loving Your Scars and Your Struggle-Beard

“Am I the drama?” Look at you asking questions when the answer has been obvious all along. Yes. Yes, you were not only the drama, you were actually the whole problem. Good thing you changed.

I have realised that life will often throw you curveballs that make you question your entire existence. One minute you are fine, next thing you are doing a full audit of your personality like “wait, am I even the drama?” You realise quickly that not everything is what it seems and suddenly you are having an identity crisis. A proper one. We meet people in this life where some see us as a massive blessing while others see us as a threat to their peace. Which is funny, how are you disturbing someone just by breathing and minding your business?

To those who see you as a blessing, you pour into them and they help you trust and flourish. Those are the beautiful connections that do not just take your energy but actually top up your tank. This is where you feel happy and whole and you think “life is actually sweet” until the contrast enters the chat like an uninvited cousin at a family braai, then come the “lessons.” These are the people who make you question your worth and your goodness. Honestly, these people make you understand why movie villains exist. You start watching Marvel Infinity War with sinister thoughts, thinking, “you know what, Thanos had a point.” They make you want to start your own villain era, soft launch it and gradually one snap of your finger, they are gone. You start wondering if justice even exists in this world or if it is just vibes and disappointment. And the worst part? These are not just strangers. They can be your family, your close friends, your confidant, or that childhood bestie you grew up with, the one who knows your primary school crushes and still chooses chaos.

Unfortunately, as we grow up, we realise that people can leave you, betray you, or do you dirty. Proper dirty. But listen, it is not a “you” thing, it is a “them” thing. I know it sounds like something people say just to comfort you, but sometimes people are just chaotic for no reason. You might spend years trying to heal from their nonsense just to trust again, but at the end of the day you have free will. You can choose to heal or stay salty. And let us be honest, staying salty is tempting, but it is exhausting. Your spirit gets tired.

It is so easy to forget who you are when you are out here fighting demons or the ghosts of your past. Emotional load shedding, basically. It is easy to forget that you are a whole gold mine when you have dealt with people who did not see your value. Imagine being gold and someone treats you like loose change. The disrespect. Maybe the love story ended in tears and now you are a single parent trying to navigate a dating pool that is basically a toxic waste site. Even the lifeguards have resigned. When you have given your “prime” years to someone who took your best and left you feeling empty, you feel like you are not the woman you used to be. Now you are guarded and careful and loving you requires a whole lot of reassurance, like terms and conditions and probably a background check.

I am sorry it hurt so much. I am sorry you gave your best intentions and were met with zero sacrifice, like you were giving “wife of the year” energy and they were giving nothing. I know those mornings where you have to literally drag yourself into the shower just to show up for life. I know those nights too, the ones where you are tired but your brain says “no babes, we are overthinking today.” Just last year I found out someone I called a sister was busy manufacturing the wildest lies about me, like full production with no budget cuts. I make it sound okay now because I am typing from a place of “Lying about me made you relevant for a little while, you needed me to finally feel heard” and forgiveness, so the hurt is not sitting in my grammar anymore. You will not feel the pain in these lines as I refuse to let that trauma transfer to my future. It is a choice. Not an easy one, but a necessary one. Whatever you choose, please know that your inner battles do not make you any less of a legend.

There is nobody like you. Yes, even if I knew the things you know about yourself, i would still believe that no one compares to you, no one can walk into a room and take charge like you do. Main character energy, no auditions needed. No one can hold a conversation like you do, you make people feel comfortable, at first you seem too good to be true, and then they realise through you, that God doesn’t run out of good people. no one laughs like you , hug, or love the way you do. Even if you are a “work in progress,” you are still a blessing. Under construction, but still a whole building. Man, they should have seen you when you were in love. You were glowing, you were soft, you were doing the absolute most in the best way, it may feel like that has changed but thats something not even betrayal can write off. You might be in a “reconstruction” phase right now, but they should have seen you when you felt safe and appreciated. You moved differently back then, like you owned happiness.

Yes, you are different now because we always have to go back to the drawing board to reinvent and heal. And let us be real, healing is messy. Some days you forgive yourself for allowing that disrespect, and other days you are lowkey plotting their downfall in your head. Not actioning it, just brainstorming 🤣🤣. Boy oh boy, when you decide to make someone feel special, you really go all out. Full package, no half measures, you still do but now with caution… just take your time, there’s nothing broken here. You are still a wonder, after everything you have been through; there is still hope in your breath and forgiveness in your bones. When they expect you to go full villain, you beat the allegations and turn out even better than they wanted. Imagine disappointing your enemies by being healed. Love that for you.

There is no one like you, even with the scar on your chest or your uneven eyes that you try to hide in pictures. Please, those angles are working overtime for no reason. My brother, even with that receding hairline and that beard that has been struggling to connect since the 1900s, we have been rooting for it, there is no one like you. Your little lisp when you speak is actually beautiful. The way your words come out with that little twist is enough to set anyone on fire. Proper signature style. tjhesa!

You are amazing even with your past and the times you knew better but still did the opposite. Because sometimes we all ignore common sense like it is a WhatsApp notification. It all adds to the vibe of who you are. You grew from it and now you are levelled up. Not perfect, but upgraded. Sometimes we focus too much on the missed dreams and the people who left us, measuring ourselves by our “shortfalls.” Like we are marking ourselves with a red pen. We forget to see the person who is busy learning and unlearning every day. That is a beautiful place to be. To live through the fire, get burned, get healed, and come out the other side scarred but whole again. Not what you were, but something stronger.

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I live with a man, but this isn’t about him.

Living with a man is an experience. He has this interesting habit of leaving his socks right next to the washing bin instead of inside it as if the bin and the socks are in a complicated relationship and not quite ready to commit. He has a massive appetite and when it comes to fixing things, let’s just say his heart is in the right place but his hands are not. If something breaks and he tries to repair it, God bless him, the effort is 100 percent, but we usually end up calling a professional to fix whatever he just fixed. At first, I was fuming. I thought these things were just automatic for men. Meanwhile, I am over here bossing my space and dominating my responsibilities as a woman. Sure, I might burn a shirt here and there while ironing, but did you die? No. You are still breathing. The shirt may not be, but you are.

Plot twist. Living with my little brother has opened my eyes to a world I honestly never knew existed. I have lived on my own for a long time with no partners or pets. My plants were my only companions and they do not exactly talk back or leave a mess unless you count emotional neglect when I forget to water them. I was so used to my own space that I forgot what it was like to actually share it with another human being. The adjustment has been a real journey. Not the cute kind, but the kind where you are constantly asking yourself what lesson is in this. It has shown me how differently we were raised even though we have the same parents. The version of our parents that raised him is totally different from the version that raised me. Same people but different seasons. Seeing that contrast broke my heart. It made me realise that I needed to keep up with my therapy because my inner child had some healing to do. I also had to accept that our parents were learning as they went along too. This is their first time living life just like it is ours.

Now that I am a homeowner, I have realised I sound exactly like my mother. It is a total slap in the face because I really wanted to create my own identity but here we are. I finally understand why she obsessed over the small things. Leaving the lights on is not just lights to me anymore. When my brother does it, all I see is the electricity bill. It is money. He needs to grow up, so now there are rules he needs to follow. I am truly my mother’s daughter because if I see a few drops of water on my wooden floor I do not care how long my day was. I will make a fuss because those are my floors and I want them to stay fresh for as long as I live. Let us give our parents some grace.

My circle keeps telling me that this is preparation for my future husband. They love saying this is how it is going to be when you are married. Listen, I rebuke that in Jesus name. My husband is going to be a grown man. I am not looking to raise him. We are going to grow together and make life easy for each other. I hear what people are saying but I refuse to believe I will have to remind a whole adult to do basic chores like I am reminding my brother now. Right. Right. Someone please agree with me because at this point I am slightly alarmed. Now if we are talking about kids, I can accept that. I will be their mother so I will give them a little tap on the behind to make sure they align well. Plus I will not be doing that alone.

Something has definitely shifted in me. I used to have zero patience and never gave second chances because I believed there is a stage where you are grown enough to act accordingly. My little brother fixed that. He is currently on his thirty-fourth chance and he only moved in this February. Living alone I could ignore my own flaws. I could leave my weave lying around the house and no one would say anything. Peace. Silence. Delusion. He does not scold me but he mimics me. If I leave my shoes in the lounge, guess whose shoes are in the way the next day. Exactly. So now I am closing cupboard doors and drawers because if I leave them open he will too. It is a shared chaos.

I want you to take from this the fact that you are not an island. Even if you have always had your own back, please open the door for people to help and love you. Doing life alone is fine but it is so much better with my brother around. There is a ten year gap between us and I find myself acting like a mother and not a sister but it has shown me that I am capable. I was always afraid of being a mom or allowing anyone into my space because I thought they would disrupt everything I had built. But I have discovered I am a great host. I take care of people and I am selfless. I am a good cook and I take care of what needs to be taken care of. I realised that I have a beautiful life, yes scary, a bit too much at times, busy, complex but its beautiful and I want to share it with people I care about.

Allow yourself to receive help. Not everyone is going to hurt you like the people who reminded you they helped you when you needed them. Some people are truly God sent and you will not know that until you open up. I have learned that nobody is perfect and I should not require that from people because I am not perfect either. I just masked my flaws so well that I believed I was good at everything. I am not. I have even learned to soften my tone when I am agreeing. A friend of mine said when you are angry and you realise that you are angry, the part of you that realises it is not actually angry and that is the part you lean on. I have been better ever since and honestly my therapist has done quite a lot.

I learned to trust in God. I thought I did but I was only trusting Him on things I could handle so that if He fails me I have the ability to redirect everything to my favour. I was a grown child and guess what happened, God gave me a scenario where my abilities couldnt control anything even if I tried. I trusted God with the property when a big sum of my salary had to go into the lawyers and I remember that day I cried and went to bed early. I spoke to my God and for the first time I was not only calling Him a Father but I actually went to Him as my Father and told Him I cannot do this. He said it is okay because I can. There was no space for me to question it. He always provides. Before deciding on my property I had a vision of myself in a house with wooden floors and stairs wearing my white throw which I love so much. When I viewed this property the vision came back and I knew it was my house, it was exactly as I saw it in my dreams, I knew that God has blessed this move. Please don’t doubt that God speaks.

I realised that the vision is already there. You just need to believe in the ability of your God. Everything happening in my life I am crazy enough to believe that it is on time. It sounds like a small thing but if you were to interview God and ask Him what it took to make me realise this He will tell you she is stubborn. The vision was a year before and twelve months later here I am and I am ready. A lot happened to make me take a step because I was scared including an intruder I had to fight off in my previous apartment. Let me assure you God will never fail you. If you will not move because you are scared He will give you reasons to move and when you do not He will push you until you surrender. So please surrender.

I am great. I am happy and scared. I am hopeful and still battling with faith. I have forgiven and I am still learning to forget. I am a woman learning and unlearning and I love this for me.

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I disappeared. I know.

Not in a dramatic, vanish into the forest kind of way. More like the kind where life quietly stacks responsibilities on your shoulders until even opening WordPress starts to feel like a meeting you forgot to prepare for. If the internet had a missing persons bureau for bloggers, I am fairly certain my face would have been on a digital milk carton by now.

Somewhere between then and now, life did what life does best. It moved. It stretched me. It humbled me in ways that were not scheduled and definitely not convenient. Between trading my renter badge for a homeowner title, which is essentially just a fancy way of saying I now have a very intimate relationship with bank fees, bond costs, and things breaking at the worst possible time, and navigating the professional hustle, I have lived a lot in this silence.

The Sacred and the Human

There were moments where I thought I understood exactly where my life was going, only for God to gently but firmly remind me that understanding is not a requirement for obedience. My relationship with Him has shifted from a Sunday morning check in to a daily dependence. Not perfect, not always polished, but deeply real.

There was also a situation with a pastor that shifted something in me. I will not go into details, but it was one of those experiences that forces you to separate God from people. It taught me that faith must be anchored in Him and not in human vessels, no matter how respected or anointed they appear. It was uncomfortable but necessary. I came out of it more grounded, more discerning, and strangely, more at peace.

The Master’s and the Mess

Academically and professionally, things have demanded more of me. My postgraduate studies continue to be the uninvited guest at every dinner party, the one that refuses to leave and somehow always needs attention at the worst time. Pursuing a degree while navigating a shifting workplace has taught me that resilience is often just a polite word for surviving on caffeine, prayer, and pure willpower.

But I have also laughed. A lot more than I expected, actually. Life has a way of being unintentionally funny when you stop trying to control every outcome. There were moments where all I could do was look at my situation and think, “Yo, this is not what I ordered, but let me eat it anyway.” And somehow, I did.

The Plot Twist in the Waiting

If I am being completely honest, part of why I stayed away was because I wanted to come back with something polished. Something that made the silence make sense. Something that looked like a neat before and after. But life is not always wrapped up that way, and neither is growth.

There is a specific kind of power in navigating the world as a solo act for a long season. It has been a time of deep refinement where I realised that being whole on my own was never about closing the door forever. It was about making sure that when the right story finally begins, I am a woman who already knows her worth, her voice, and her standards.

Lately, I have felt a shift in the wind. A quiet sense that things are aligning in ways I cannot fully explain yet. The wait has been long, and at times uncomfortable, but I am starting to see that delays are not always denials. Sometimes they are preparation.

The Verdict

So, where am I now?

Domestic status: Managing my own castle. It turns out adulting is ten percent decorating and ninety percent wondering why lightbulbs, plumbing, and literally everything else are so expensive.

Academic standing: Still wrestling with the thesis. We are currently in a toxic relationship, but I am determined to get the degree in the divorce.

Current state: I have been living. I have been learning. I have been stretched. I have been refined. And more times than I can count, I have been held together by grace.

I am moving from a phase of just surviving the day to actually owning the room. I am learning that I do not need to have every single answer to be the leading lady of my own story. I am not perfectly consistent, and I am still figuring things out, but I am present. And right now, that matters more than perfection.

And as for what is on the horizon? Let’s just say the scenery is starting to look very promising. Sho, it is about time.

Here’s to the plot twists, the quiet growth, and the glow ups that did not need an audience to be real.

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In Every life time

I want to meet you in every lifetime, in every chapter of my life.
In each version of my soul, I’ll find you.
And I’ll choose you again.
And again.

I want to meet you every day like it’s the first.
to tell you my name like a secret I’ve waited to share,
to hear your voice wrap around ordinary words
until they mean everything.

I want to sit beside you and talk about nothing
until nothing becomes the most sacred place we know.
Tell me about the friend you lost touch with,
about the time your skin met pavement and you learned how pain feels like flying.
Show me your tattoos I want to trace the stories inked on your skin.
Let me kiss the scars that life gave you and hear the moment you decided life was still beautiful,
despite it all.

I want your voice to become my favorite sound
until everything I hear begins to echo you.
Let me be there when the weight of the world is too much,
when silence is heavy and all you need is someone who won’t let go.
Let me be your anchor. Your calm. Your constant

I want to see you waiting at the end of the aisle,
the place where every road leads me back to you.
And I will walk toward you every time, in this life and all the others waiting beyond time.

I want all of you
The light you bring, the darkness you carry,
the chaos, the calm, the in-between. You make so much sense to me.
So much sense.

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Little Feet

The butterflies that once fluttered within me
Have turned into tiny feet, full of life, kicking wildly,
Every time they hear your voice, they respond
A secret conversation between you and the life we’ve made.
Morning sickness feels endless, but through it all,
It’s your hand I’ve clung to, my steady ground.
I wouldn’t choose anyone else to walk this fragile, sacred journey.

You made me fall in love, then made me your forever.
Since we exchanged vows, you’ve held us close,
Through the storms that could’ve torn us apart,
You stood like a lighthouse, guiding us home,
And now, our child has their first hero, a father whose strength has always been love.

Those little feet haven’t yet taken a step,
But I already see how much they reflect you.
A strange, beautiful sorrow fills me,
Knowing they resemble you more than me.
But I’m not envious, I’m in awe.
Watching you rise to every cry, every call,
In the early hours, bleary-eyed yet unwavering,
Rocking our baby back to sleep with lullabies you don’t know the words to
Yet your voice is their comfort, perfect in its imperfections.

This little feet knew my heartbeat before the world made it their home,
But it was your face they saw first when you severed the cord.
Cutting through the threshold of life, welcoming them,
A life we created, who cried out to the world in your arms.
And in that moment, I realised
You will be the shelter they run to when the world becomes cold.

I have loved you in every phase
As the boy who made me laugh,
As the man who stood by me when life bent us low.
But I have never loved you like this
Watching you become the father our child will forever cherish.

There’s a quiet magic in the way you hold them,
As though the weight of their little body
Balances the entire universe in your arms.
They may not yet understand, but one day they will
That their first steps, first words,
First dreams will all be cradled by your love.

And as you work tirelessly to give them the best,
I see the depth of your sacrifice, and my love for you deepens
In ways words often fail to express.
You are more than a father, more than a provider
You are my anchor in this vast sea of life.

We joke about exhaustion, about how one child feels like a universe.
But in the quiet moments, when we’re both too tired to speak,
I know, and I believe you know too,
That the beauty we’ve created is more than we ever imagined.
And deep down, there is room for more
More life, more love, more of this sacred dance we call family.

I love making life with you
In all its messy, beautiful, sleepless nights.
It’s an honor, and in your arms, it feels like home.

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live, love life

You know, life is full of surprises, I’ve finally decided to embrace one of them: I’m getting a massage. Yes,! For someone who generally doesn’t like being touched, this feels like a huge leap into uncharted territory. But lately, my body has been sending out distress signals in a language I can barely comprehend, it’s time to listen.

if you been reading these little inserts about my life, you know that I drive a lot, and not just in a gentle, leisurely manner. I tend to wrestle with big cars like they’re stubborn mules, trust me, my body definitely feels the effects of my rough driving. The tension has been building up like a Netflix series that just won’t resolve, so I’ve decided it’s time to book a massage at a local Thai place. My very first time, and I’m both excited and a little nervous… who will be touching this body nkosi yam? I hope they will be gentle because I am fragile.

I’m also a planner. I like to strategise every little detail before I take the plunge into something new. This meticulous approach means before I accept change, I have to analyse it first , however growth can’t happen without a little discomfort, right? Remember when I first started driving? I made a ton of rookie mistakes. I even took midnight drives around town, praying I wouldn’t end up in a horror movie scenario. But through that learning curve, I discovered how to be prepared for whatever life throws at me, I was practicing how to drive when everyone else is sleeping, thats how much I love being prepared, this is both my strength and weakness…yes, I am self-aware.

I think we all have to remind ourselves to be open to new experiences. Growth comes from stepping outside our comfort zones, even if it’s just for a little while. You don’t have to jump into the deep end headfirst; sometimes it’s enough to dip your toes in and test the waters. Life isn’t meant to be lived in the same old patterns, why not explore new opportunities and meet new people? Who knows? You might just find yourself dancing to a different tune. And trust me, it won’t hurt.

I’ve spent too long trying to secure my footing, to create a sense of stability. My past has shaped me, and while I’ve shared the struggles, it’s time for a shift. I want to revel in the adventures life has to offer, to take a step back and let things unfold naturally. I’ve sacrificed and fought hard to get where I am, and now I want to experience those delightful feelings I didn’t think existed. It’s time to be a little softer.

I have read a book by Ms Alice Walker called “The Colour Purple” and She wrote

“All my life I had to fight. I had to fight my daddy. I had to fight my brothers. I had to fight my cousins and my uncles. A girl child ain’t safe in a family of men. But I never thought I’d have to fight in my own house. She let out her breath. I loves Harpo, she say. God knows I do. But I’ll kill him dead before I let him beat me.”

I read this as a teenager, and it didn’t truly resonate until I became a woman, understanding just how much a woman has to fight. I don’t have to fight my dad; I’m grateful for a father who listens to understand. I can’t relate to fighting with my brother; he’s a sweet boy growing into a kind man. But I have to fight men in the boardroom, reckless drivers on the road, and the fear of women disappearing and being found dead while I drive to cities I don’t even know how to pronounce sometimes. I battle the worry of being taken advantage of because of my kindness. I fight for my voice to be heard in my industry and navigate church politics tied to my position. I struggle against others’ views on how I should act as a woman of God while trying to express myself as just a woman… now thats a lot of fighting, And I am just one person.

So here’s my prayer for you: may you finally get to exhale. I hope you discover the joys of simply being sane. May your life be filled with cherished moments where nothing requires you to battle or compromise your heart. Surround yourself with people who appreciate you and allow you the space to grow. You deserve to enjoy life, to visit new places, and to connect with others who can love you just as you are.

Life can be tough, but instead of throwing lemons your way, I hope it showers you with flowers. You deserve a break—a moment to celebrate, to be held, and to feel cherished. You’ve been the friend, the supporter, the shoulder to cry on. Now it’s time for you to take a step back and breathe.

So here’s to new beginnings, to the unknown, and to the simple joy of a good massage. Cheers to feeling all those delightful sensations and embracing every beautiful moment that comes our way!